You all showed me my greatest weakness..and it is that I have wasted my time and energy on those who don’t deserve it. All my life I have tried to make other people like me and some love me. This has been my sore spot.. It is impossible, and by trying to get everyone’s approval I have alowed many to hurt me horribly..
I think it started when I was a little girl. My father was a cruel man and in my innocence I blamed myself, as children often do. I did everything that I could to win his approval. It is because of my father that I became so good at my art, as he loved to brag about me to others, it was the one thing that he approved of and so I did everything that I could to become my best at it. I guess that was not a total loss.
Even our wedding day was about everyone else, I wanted to elope..to be married with just the two of us on a tropical beach, with my feet and toes sinking into the white sandy ocean as we stood knee deep in the waves. I wanted a simple white summer dress, tropical flowers in my hair and in my hands. I wanted a tan, and to have a white bikini on under my dress, so that we could dive into the ocean right after saying ” I do”.. and then I wanted a long honeymoon exploring the tropics. Climbing volcanoes, diving, hiking, swiming and making love..but this is what happened..
A stuffy church wedding with most of the guest his friends and family.. a big dress that made me feel lost inside of it.. the point is I was lost… it was all about him and everyone else.. I just fit the fricken dress. We didn’t have a honeymoon because we spent to much on the wedding.
Even in my dating after my ex left.. the few that I dated so wrapped up in what they wanted.. and I found myself doing the samething.. the ones that were the most selfish were the ones I tried the hardest to impress.. wtf.. old habits die hard I guess. Why wouldn’t they accept me? I just couldn’t get it.. and I just had to try to get them too..why did they end up calling me names.. because I suck around to be called names.. I wasted my time and energy on selfish jerks who got their kicks from being cold and emotionally distant as way of feeding their own egos.. soul suckers..thats what I call them now..
But it wasn’t and hasn’t just been men..it has been women to..because of jealousy..this is were my facebook friends and readers come in.. because many of you brought it to my attention.. in my innocence I didn’t see it.. I just kept on wondering why the would turn on me and say nasty things after saying nice things..acting like they were my friends only to stab me in the back.. or be passive agressive by saying they were my friends then telling me what was wrong with me.
Many gave me private messages on facebook informing me of this bitch fest..as it was called by one of them..and others, men and women told be that they were jealous..so I googled ( how to know if someone is jealous of you).. yup you were right all the signs were their..even with the women that lived in my neighborhood. The snotty remarks about my hair just not being the right shade of blond.. leaving me out of conversations, making small things into big things, calling me selfish for writing my blog.. one of the very basic ways to tell if someone is jealous of you is that..they are upset about your sucess. The tell you to quiet down, not to talk about it, they make you feel guilty for your happiness, talents, money, freedom, sucess..whatever it is that you have that they don’t they will make you feel bad for having it.. or at least try to.
One of my facebook friends said it on a post on my wall..” they want what you have because they don’t have it” she posted that right after I had just googled it and read it.. it was the truth.. I don’t understand jealousy.. I remember feeling it once..very strongly when I was a girl of 13.. I hated the feeling so much, I swore to myself that I would check myself if I ever felt it again.. this what made me feel intensly jealous at 13…
My mother had just died from taking her own life. My father had not let us go to our own mother’s funeral.. I was intensely raw. My dad and his girlfriend were starving us, abusing us and neglecting us.. I felt I had nothing..and in essence I didn’t at that time.
I was on a walk with a friend.. it was in place filled with open fields.. everyone had horses.. just then one of her friends waved hi.. he was sitting with his wealthy family..they were having an opulent picnic..I can’t even begin to tell you about the food and the picnic gear..very classy. He was in full english riding gear..when he jumped on his very pricey Horse.. it was trained to jump.. He jumped the horse over the fence and dismounted right infront of us.. he was like a prince..He was so happy, well fed, loved.. he had everything..
I was Pissed! I thought to myself ” who is this little fucker putting his shit in my face” and much to my friends dismay I told him off. ” Your show off!” I said. ” Your friends is a spoit brat.” I said to my friend and I took off running.. I just couldn’t take it.. I think I was trying to run away from the feelings of jealousy.. they were horrible..dark and mean.. I wanted to beat up this kid and he had not done anything to me.. yet I wanted him to feel my pain, cause it just was not fair..
I believe that others have done the same to me.. the thoughts have been said to me ” who do you think you are.. writing thinking people will read your shit?”.. ” Your a slut posting those pics!”…” Your art looks like shit!”..” your crazy..do you think your going to be famous or something..get a grip!” ” stop writing about your life..get the fuck over it!”
Those of you who have been on my facebook have seen it and you can see it on my blog comments..even by some men that wish to bring me down to a level that they are more comfortable with..as I have been called ” arrogant and egotistical.” for daring to write and to post my pics..
You taught me that.. you truly did..
Because of you.. I will no longer waste my time, energy or life on those that don’t deserve it..
So to you I say… thank you..