I think I have discovered it.. for someone other than my children..
It’s been 6 months since I met him.. we hardly touched.. it was a spiritual connection.. a soul to soul thing that I really wasn’t expecting and that I have no control over..
He didn’t feel the same.. but the feelings haven’t left me..and so it isn’t an ego thing of expectations.. as romantic love is defined.. you see it has no definition at all..
It’s a letting of everything that love is supposed to be..
You know.. because we think it’s supposed to bring a future..but there isn’t one here… it’s just an energy thing..
My ego doesn’t get it.. because the ego needs to define everything.. and so I can’t but a finger on why.. or how it came into being.. what it is cannot be described at all..
But the feeling is total free fall into intense vulnerability .. there is no bottom..
It’s like your heart just being broken open.. just exposed, raw and bleeding gold.. it’s just like that..
It’s the feeling that makes you choke.. sob.. and contemplate the meaning of life..
But I suppose..as I am only guessing .. just maybe..that is the reason for it.. I don’t know..
Because it’s better to feel than feel nothing at all..
And then my ego wants to believe it’s a reflection of the purity of my heart..
But is it so pure.. or do I just want it to be.. or just maybe I want to hang on to the fantasy of what I think he is..or hoped he was..or wanted him to be..
Or maybe it is pure.. maybe I am just glad he is here.. somewhere just being..
I don’t know.. it’s just frightening ..and infinite ..so big that it makes me feel so small
I feel so tiny and fragile at the enormity of it all.