UGLY

 

 

 

 

This is me in March of 2007, I was eight months pregnant with my son. I was verging on toxic, my liver enzymes were tested at the level of an alcoholic, but of course it was the pregnancy not alcohol that was causing this. I was not allowed to work out as I had lost 4 pregnancies in a row before conceiving our son. I had morning sickness right up to the day I delivered. All of my pregnancies were very hard. My first with my daughter, my blood pressure was very low so I was prone to fainting, so I could not work out. My second with my middle daughter, I had morning sickness all day long, it was so bad I had to be hospitalized to be re-hydrated. Needless to say I gained weight; a lot of weight as I was pregnant or loosing babies for the entire span of our 12 year marriage. I did manage to loose half the weight leading up to my last pregnancy with my son and during that time my husband seemed to love me more; but as soon as I gained pregnancy weight his eyes wandered and I was left feeling helpless and heartbroken.. and UGLY.

It was the way he was raised; his family was very superficial; they loved the way I looked when he first met me. I was a prize then, my ex-husband and I lived together for a couple of years before we were married. I always have loved to got to the gym, run and do yoga and it showed on my body and my face; I thought I could always keep my figure. I envisioned that I would work out through all my pregnancies, only gain about 20 pounds and then loose it fast through nursing and hitting the gym with a day care. But when I did try to go to the gym after having each baby I was bitched at for spending money on my heath even though we had the money. It was a constant ” damned if I do damned if I don’t situation” Once again the way he was raised by a womanizing step father.

I fought a battle against nature and fate to have my son; the doctors told me I could not, my body told me I could not by loosing many pregnancies, but my spirit said ” I CAN” I fought to bring him into this world. I sacrificed my body for each of my children, even the babies that didn’t make it into the world. THE SACRIFICE IS BEAUTIFUL! The sacrifice that every mother makes to bring a child into the world, but worldliness tells us that the marks of birth are UGLY.. that I pregnant woman is fat, that a woman should worry more about getting her figure back to the social norm of beauty, more worried about her looks than spending time with her newborn… that way of thinking is UGLY. It’s ugly that the world doesn’t see how beautiful women are in all the stages of their lives, if it be the maiden; yet to be touched by a man sexually or the mother; full and ripe with child, nursing and nurturing her young or if it be the Matron, teaching the next generation how to love authentically, the Matron sharing her wisdom.. this is truly beautiful.

 

 

 

 

This was me when my son was just over a year old; my sister had died just a few months before, I was depressed and grieving, it was still hard to loose the weight as my lust for life was stifled by the feelings of guilt.. I felt guilty that I had lived and my sister had died.

 

 

 

 

This is me after my husband left me to have an affair; it’s ironic that I found more time to myself after he had left us. He was not there to impose his double standards upon me and so I was free to work out at will and I fell in love with being physical again. The need to be active never left me; it was just stifled by him.

 

 

 

 

This is me now or just a few months ago.. I was never ugly.. even when I was sick and overweight I was a warrior, I was a and still am a wonderful woman and mother.. Like all women I am WONDER WOMAN.

True beauty comes from the inside out; it shines in your actions, it shows in your character, it shows in how you treat yourself and how you treat others. There are many that look beautiful on the outside.. men and woman, but true beauty shows in love of self and love of others.. it shows in service for the greater good. Beauty also shows in humility. It was very humbling for me to show you these images of me from my past; these images of my past are from when I was the most vulnerable, when I felt the most unloved and I was the most unloved by my husband and his family as I was not accepted from the inside out. The only saw the outer me; they did not respect my sacrifice for my children and my then husband would not wait for me to heal from the loss of my sister so that my outer beauty could match my inner beauty.

But it was fate and as fate will have it’s way I am about to fly..

 

My book will show the world the beauty of a woman’s soul; my service to all woman and the men that truly love them.

  • Desdevourti

    I agree you were never ugly and it’s a blessing in disguise to have a VERYTOXIC man walk out of your life…You brought life unto the earth as our beautiful mother earth intended and that makes us women Amazing beings:)

  • Desdevourti

    Your son is very handsome by the way, blessed be to your little one

    • http://twitter.com/goddessofsacred Gracie Ackerman

      Much love you my friend <3.. much love <3 and blessings <3

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