I do see myself as separate from my work; because I think the message is bigger than me. I used myself as a canvas and I let the message move through me. I understood that I was sacrificing my personal privacy by using myself in the photography, I understood and understand that the message is a head of it’s time as is any message that brings about change. The world is never ready for a independent, passionate woman; but like most people, men and women that break old, unneeded rules to bring about a positive change; they are never accepted in their time.
Because I do not fit into any of the models for women that exist today; as I am not a bad girl or a good girl, this will make it almost impossible for me to meet a man that can see me as an equal. Quite frankly this doesn’t exist in our society yet; this paradigm is still shifting into shape and because I am this new woman; the new man may not exist for me yet. I maybe so head of my time that he hasn’t incarnated at this moment in time.
I have men try to label me as a bad girl because of my nudity in the book; I have men tell me that they wouldn’t date me because I am too dangerous; that they want a nice girl to settle down with. I have read on the net that a bad girl uses a man for money, she can’t be trusted, she fools around on him. I have read that a bad girl is fun, good in bed and loves adventure. I am the positive aspects of a so called bad girl but not the negative. A good girl is trainable; a good girl is stable and trusting; but she is not good in bed and has lower self-worth. I am not trainable; I run from men who try to manipulate me and train me; but I am stable and trustworthy but I am great in bed. I don’t fit in either label.
When I first met my ex husband after our third date he told me he couldn’t buy me a house; he told me that he was in dept and that he was worried his business would go under; but I saw that he was driven and I told him that we would build his business up together and that we would make our future together and we did. He was the one who decided that he didn’t want to be a full time father anymore; he was the one who had an affair after understanding that no matter how much he hurt me and ignored me I wasn’t going to have an affair. He was the one who forgot on purpose that we had built up our finances together; he was the one who ripped me blind. I was the one that trusted, that held strong, I was the one that wanted to be his equal; he left me because a good girl does what she is told; a good girl puts her man’s needs above her own; and I saw us as equals; this he couldn’t tolerate and as the final act of control was to shame me by having an affair with an employee and to disgrace me by leaving me a as a socially discarded single mother- discarded ( get rid of, someone or something, seen as undesirable )
So as many of you know I went on a inner journey to find myself as desirable once again; I used this blog to work through my pain; I had the boudoir photography done to help me to feel sexy again; as my husband made me feel sexless. This was the start of this journey; I left the good girl behind as she didn’t work for me; and I sought out the bad girl but I did this; I believe in a very balanced way. I have never sold out on my principals; I never let a man turn me into a whore. I never let a man turn me into his mother or little, good girl wifey again either.
There have been many of my guy friends tell me that whoever the lucky guy is that gets me will have the best sex of his life ( true) But just as importantly he will be loved like never before; he will have a loyal, trustworthy woman; a woman that is his best friend and buddy and a woman that doesn’t depend on him endlessly. Many have read me wrong. I am not into using men or being used by them. The man that is meant for me; will be my friend, exercise companion, someone to goof around with, someone to cuddle with, travel with, cry with, and just have quiet moments. Someone who seeks health from the inside out; a man that wants love, with a little fun lust, but a man who is committed and kind.
I will not settle; I will not. I will be alone until I meet him. I not looking for him anymore; if he is here with me now, at this time on this Earth he will show up; but I may just have to accept that he is not; that maybe in the next life time we will meet. But I can’t be with anyone else but him.. whoever he is.
It is my dream.