“The key to the present can be found in the past..that key unlocks the door to your future”…… do you like that? I just made it up, but it works really well in the explaination of my writing.
My high school years were intense. My mother had just taken her own life right before we moved to the Okanagan.. To Winfield B.C. Canada.. ( I am writing Canada because there are people from all over the world that read my blog, you know were this is my facebook friends as many of you went to school with me)..
The first couple of weeks in high school I spent hiding in the girls washroom.. I went to home room..then instead of going to my classes I hid in the bathroom because I couldn’t stop crying over my mother. When the staff of the school discovered that I was not handing in any work.. I was quietly followed into the bathroom by an older student that was asked to do it by the teachers..they discovered my secret.. I was crushed.
I was made to go to class were my grief turned to anger.. my first year of high school was wasted by me being a absolute utter rebel.. It was no one’s fault..not even mine as I was to young to understand that this was grief. They tried to help me by putting me in counciling but I was to angery to listen to anything..and so I had to repeat grade 8.
Boys scared me.. I was in Judo… being around the boys I always heard all the details about who they had sex with or made-out with.. they were so mean and gross when they talked about the other girls when they were not around to their guy friends.. it really affected how I saw men and relationships. My Judo instructer was like a father to me… he was really kind and understanding.. I remember once we were on our way to a tournament and we learned that the hotel rooms that were booked..were not and that we would all have to sleep boys and girls together in one of the judo clubs.. I freaked..there was no way in the world that I was going to be alone in dark room with these guys.. all the other girls had fooled around or been their girlfriends and all that.. but I just was so afraid of guys I couldn’t.. I just couldn’t.. I told my instructor and he was kind enough to put me up in one of his friend’s kids bedrooms…the next day all the boys went right into details about what the did to the girls…I was so glad it was not me.
I didn’t have a normal experience in highschool with guys.. I kissed a few and fooled around a bit..but because I was a tomboy I knew how they talked..and any of you guys reading this.. you know that many of you did.. not all of you but many of you did..as young boys often do.. I am not blaming just saying that it hurt me as a young girl.
When I did loose my virginity.. it wasn’t lost at all.. I thought of it not as giving it away but just getting rid of it I picked the guy..away from my school so that no one would hear about it… he was very good looking but not to smart..my theory was this.. it wasn’t going to end in marrage.. I knew from listening to guys talk that he would have sex with me, hang out with me have some fun with me, until he got sick of me and wanted something new. Isn’t it sad that a 17 yearold girl would think this practial about sex and relationships..but I listened to the guys talk and this is what they did at this age..so when I noticed him starting to check out other girls and when I felt him starting to ignore me I dumped him. It hurt, emotionally it was very painful but I knew it was better that I end it than he end it…at least I could keep some of my dignity.
As a foster kid.. I never let myself get to close to people, as I was just there to help make the rent, or other expenses.. they would tell me I was family..but actions speak louder than words and when it came down to it, my needs were met last and the real family members came first. In reality I was not their daughter.. I was a foster kid and that was that. In my heart I knew the truth..and like a Spock I stayed emotionally detached..as facts are fact.
I did the same in school, I always felt like I was outside looking in..everyone else had real families..even if their parents were divorced and they had step dads and moms..they lived in their own houses, slept in their own beds..had a dresser to put their clothes in.. they didn’t live out of bags and boxes..as I never knew when I would be moved again..foster kids can be like unwanted pets.. ( ohh they changed their minds, I was more work then the thought or just inconvienient)..and so I was a stray without a home.. I was the outcast.
I saw myself as the outcast..the outsider always looking in to social groups..clicks and clubs..but never quite making it in..never quite belonging to anyone or anything.. I was the drifter.. I was always testing the wind…if I felt rejection comming..even just the slightest sign of rejection.. I would save them or you the trouble and just get gone.. I would and still will just get out of the way.. I know I am not meant to stay for long.. I never do..it’s what I know.
I would watch as other girls had steady boyfriends.. I don’t know how they did it? I was a constant Cinderella.. my prince charming never ever came riding in.. still hasn’t.. I am still washing floors looking pretty, singing my sweet songs..but he hasn’t showed up at all?
To this very day.. I live my life this way.. alway looking in.. to your life wondering how you did it.. all my good friends always seem to move away.. it has been a theme in my life too.. I don’t know why that is..maybe I pick ones that are the same as me..the rolling stones… sounds romantic doesn’t it?
But just like poor Charlie Brown.. ( I love Charlie Brown..as I totally relate ) there isn’t love or romance in my life.. like Charlie.. I day dream about it..watch others get Valentine Cards and romantic get aways… ..but at least I get the Snoopy kisses from my kids..the always cheer me up just like Snoopy could always get poor Charlie out of his funk
I guess the lesson here in looking back at my past..is the key to my present moments that I live today.. alone.. the outsider still.. How can I find the way to open the door..that opens me up to a new way of being..were I feel connected, accepted and a part of community.. I guess knowing that I keep myself back may help..some how I have to open the door to my new future.. and bring Charlie Brown and Snoopy with me..to happiness