Mother’s Day & The Single Mom Struggle

 

I used this image of myself because one of the first things I faced becoming a single mom.. by my exes midlife crisis choices ( that I obviously couldn’t control, nor am I responsible for ) well one of the first things I faced was family members, old friends and even society expecting me, to divorce my own sexuality away from my motherhood.. just like we divorced away the marriage .. [ I like how marriage sounds like mirage ] because it wasn’t real to him. But back to divorcing away my own sexuality. I think it’s because people view sexy mom’s as loose welfare bums; it’s a stigma. Many married women have said to me ” OMG if my ex died, left me or had an affair I wouldn’t ever date again, I wouldn’t ever have sex again. I couldn’t do that to my kids and I just couldn’t imagine dating again or having sex with anyone else.” Mind you I felt that way at first too; the first year I grieved hard, the second year I became curious and by the third year I was really horny. Nature is what nature is; and time may not heal intense heartache but it sure helps. Now when I hear women say that to me I could just scream. They don’t know what they don’t know.. and I find it to be an insensitive selfish statement..almost.. a ” Look at me I am married, I am having sex { it might not be great sex; stats show it’s not..but it’s not the nothing I am getting or the guilt trips I get for wanting it } and I have a man to fix the car, put lotion on my back and go on date nights with.” well fuck you too!

One of the most difficult things about being a sexy single mom.. is being seen as a perceived threat as a potential husband thief. I really hate that! My ex cheated on me, so why would I want to be with a cheater; and it’s not a complement it’s an insult. It’s saying I have no morals or ethics.. then I think ” Why did you marry him then?” and ” Stop putting your fucking marital problems onto me I have enough fucking problems of my own.”

I also think that I scare married women because they fear they could just as easily be me.. and they could. It’s a more intense struggle for me vs some single moms that have their parents and other family members to help them. I don’t have that luxury; I have to save every penny; I have to keep a little extra for emergencies. When my car breaks down I don’t have parents to call and help me. I think my situation scares the shit out of many married women. I think that is why they blame me for my predicament.. it gives them a sense of control; if they can exclude fate or the fact that they cannot control what their husbands may or many not do to them it makes them feel better. So it’s easy to resent single mothers; when you are a married woman fearing the same fate.

My fault was that I couldn’t turn myself into the imaginary perfect bitch my ex had in his head. I failed miserably at behaving myself; I talked back and gave him shit when he treated me like shit. I guess I wasn’t submissive enough. I am too much of a rebel, I am too smart, I am too energetic , I think for myself..and I just didn’t worship him like the god he thought himself to be.. yup it was totally my fault!

This single mom gig.. it’s tough. I do break down in tears from loneliness. I cannot have some jerk around my kids; or me for that matter. I cannot allow myself to be depleted by some arrogant know-it-all again. Casual sex is just heartbreaking; so it’s complicated. My body longs to be touched lovingly and I long for rough sex too.. it’s horrible sometimes..it’s torture sometimes. It’s very sad.

I wish I had someone to take care of me once-in-awhile ..and I wish I had someone to take care of..some times the longing feels like it will kill me. It’s been over 6 years now; I never thought it would be this long; I have had many guys interested in me; but there isn’t that spark ( I don’t want to make the same mistake I made last time, I don’t trust myself )

My ex is such a dick that he schedules all his weekends without consulting me; even though he was ordered to in court; but going back to court is horrible. There are so many sexist, dick head judges that talk to single moms as if we are criminals..anyway the ex scheduled his weekend to be with the kids on Mother’s Day again.. for the 6th year in a row. I told him I am keeping the kids. Now he has told me it might be weeks till he sees them again { because he thinks he can punish me by disobeying his mighty orders.. see I just cannot obey } But as a single mom; I am making us breakfast tomorrow. We are going to have ham, pancakes and scrambled eggs.. then we are going to be ultra lazy until noon..then go out and play in the sun..

I hope the car starts Monday :) Monday..back to the mechanics.. fuck

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