Losing it.. loss and death

 

When I was at the tender age of 5 my parents gave me a Ballerina Barbie doll for my birthday.. she had a golden crown.. and a pink dress.. I loved her. Soon after I had a very vivid dream, my dolly told me..as she danced around me .. that my family was my earth family, that they were not my soul family and I would loss them all. This was a prophetic dream as that is exactly what happened. When I was 13 my mother took her own life. When I was 16 I ran away from home to avoid my father’s abuse and neglect. I felt my reality shift from under me, it felt as if the ground it’s self had swallowed me whole. I had my first panic attach..I was 16, I woke up one morning in another new foster home and for a few seconds I couldn’t remember were I was.. my reality was shifting like the sands of time  so swiftly that I had no baring… I had no foundation.

I experienced years of this shifting from place to place.. though out school and college I drifted.. never really having a solid foundation.. always loss present.. always losing friends and situations.. I was the wanderer .. I was on the Hero’s Journey.. when I met and married my husband I thought my days of intense loss were over.. I thought the grief was behind me and for a time it was.. we had 2 little girls. We started a business together, bought a home and renovated it..but then death came a knocking.. I miscarried again and again.. the worst one I was half way through a pregnancy when the prophetic dream came to me.. I dreamed of loosing my little boy.. and a week later the cramps started..and in the ultra sound at the hospital he was still. I gave birth to my dead baby… and as I did that day, my marriage began to erode and I felt him drifting from me as he resented me for bring so much death into his life.. I felt the sand under my feet shift slowly as it represented my marriage decaying and dying a slow painful death.. I sat with death at this time.. the death of my baby and the dying of my marriage.. yet still we conceived our son..but as I entered into the third trimester of my pregnancy he was having an affair with an employee of ours.. In spite of this I managed to give birth to a healthy baby boy.. and with that I saw life and death together as one.. the cycle of evolution..

Then more death…  another prophetic dream of my sister’s impending death..yes even more as my sister became ill, as my marriage was dying and with this my own health took a tumble from the stress of it all.. my sister passed on ..but she evolved my soul as she showed me how to die with bravery and dignity. And with that my husband left me… My world and my reality totally empty.. the abyss so deep and dark .. I was in a grave.. all had decomposed around me..and yet I had to hold on through the darkness, the pitch black darkness for the sake of my children..to hang onto my will to live that tried to seep away from me ..as the wounds..the emotional wounds were bleeding me out.. yet I clung.

I sat in the lap of death.. me and the Grim Reaper, became good friends.. I sat with sorrow, I sat with hopelessness .. in the middle of the dark cold, lonely nights they took me over and they taught me wisdom.. They taught me that nothing and no one in this world defines me.. there is no thing that controls me.. no one controls me but me.. they taught me about the weaving of life.. the seen and the unseen forces of life and death connecting all things.. they invited me to stay for awhile in the darkness.. to stay and find and mine the treasures of the soul and the spirit..and it was in this barren God forsaken place I was tempered.. I was crushed.. I was broken.. I was tested.. It was here I found my spark and my passion as I turned on my soul..as I rose out of the darkness by the will of my spirit..by the will of the PASSION to live on..to thrive..to do more than survive..but burn..to ignite to roar and rip out of the darkness using it as my very fuel to propel me forward and up and out..

I learned to live on my own.. I expressed my pain and wisdom in my art and writing.. I strengthened my body to match my soul..

This is not just my journey .. it is yours too.. I can promise you through experience.. if you hold strong and if you sit with your emotions and honor you losses .. you will overcome and thrive.. I promise

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