So many things and so many people have broken my heart.. my mind has been greatly troubled and my demons had their way with me.. Everything surfaced when I met with another person who is quite popular and well know in my local community. I knew our experiences were night and day.. I knew that meeting with him would prove to be painful.. yet I had to try.. just try. But afterwards I saw that he was very good friends with many of the people who deliberately hurt me.. by excluding me from organizations.. by being prejudiced against me as an artist..because I don’t create safe wine art..or coffee table art..or decor.. my art is raw and meaningful..sexual and passionate.. intellectual and intelligent .. my art is controversy and so I am controversy.. but the old wounds that didn’t have time to heal..that were still seeping in pain..burst open.. and my mind was filled with the worms that came from the can of worms that was reopened.. upon meeting with a man who has so much more than I have.. one that is my direct opposite in comparison towards being fully accepted vs being labeled as inappropriate..
So I finally cried myself to sleep last night.. finally the damn burst inside of me..the frustration weeping from me ..turning into silent hot ..scolding tears of the words that couldn’t give verse.. to expressing the rage..that words cannot explain..but only hot silent tears can tell.
I was still in my funk when I took my kids to city park.. my oldest daughter wanted to sunbathe as she did her sketching..and my son wanted to skateboard with the big boys.. I was bitchy from feeling surrounded by Kelowna..feeling sick of Kelowna; as we drove up to find some event going on in the park.. but as we set up..and spread our blankets..unpacked our snacks..the music started to play.. live music..and I felt my self .. start to relax.. I felt the anger start to leave me.. as my children played..and the music played..and the burning sun, kissed my shoulders..
Then a man who wrote his own music and lyrics started to play the piano..it was only him..his heart..and the piano.. and he played it will all heart..
I felt the tears well up..and my heart climbed into my throat.. his music was so rich.. opulent .. he turned joy to sorrow and sorrow to joy.. it was as if his fingers played the keys and then my heart at the same time.. it was the music.. it broke the evil spell that was cast over me..by me comparing myself to them again.. knowing that they all laugh at me because I am nothing like them.. I, myself knowing, I couldn’t ever be like them.. knowing I will never fit in.. I will never be accepted by them or be appropriate to them.. but somehow the music cast a new spell..a sweet spell of magic that brought me to my knees on the inside.. I prayed to the music as I was present with each note.. fully there on each scale..and then the crescendo broke my heart wide open.. raw and vulnerable .. pure but damaged.. I was with the music..with the passion and purity..with the sweetness and the rage.. ripped apart..wide open ..a bloody heart full of feeling..ripe and bleeding..
And I knew this artist playing.. I knew he knew that none of this shit matters.. none of these people matter.. it’s the art that matters.. it’s the music.. it is the creative bliss that makes one bleed on the keys of the piano.. they all listen to him..but it is just him and the piano and they are one.. one with the universal flow of creative energy.. the life force.. and so artist die to their craft to be truly alive…
Every artist walks with a heart that is never fully mended.. we take our pain and we use it to paint our bliss..
Many who read this will never understand what it is like to walk the earth with your heart bleeding droplets of ruby red…