What I learned about my sexual encounter with Mr.B.. what I really learned about myself is this..
I have been hurt very deeply by men. I was raped. It was with the first man I was with after my husband left me. I had been celibate for a year. I had not dated in over 14 years. I was very innocent, being hurt I was easy prey.
This experience along with the constant abuse from my ex husband and the constant abuse from my sister has caused me to be very hyperactive to hurt.
This pain has tainted my perceptions. Even if Mr.B did use me for sex I responded with intense over protection; this of course caused by my need for love, caused by constant rejection and by so much abandonment in my life.
I pushed the rape down deep inside of me. I tried hard to forget; I remember now that I did tell my sister but she responded by saying I deserved it by putting myself in a dangerous situation. I pushed the experience so deep down inside of me that when I am intimate with a man now.. I forget the details.. like I told Mr.B… I couldn’t let him in.
I was hurt so deeply at the time. I knew my ex had been cheating and he made their relationship public. In the small town were I lived at the time, it seemed many just didn’t know what to say to me. I could tell they were sad for me and I could tell some avoided me. Even in my church I felt so ignored; even the Minister would not accept his affair as being an affair. I was suicidal.. I had just gotten through those thoughts when I was raped by a man with no remorse or feeling. He had groomed me well to get me alone to do what he wanted to do to me; he had talked to me and coffee dated me before getting me alone to do what he had planned. It seems I put some of this on Mr.B.
It is funny how the mind works; how the heart hides from pain, how emotions can be buried to suddenly surface such force. I did not report the rape. I was in so much pain; physical pain for 3 days.. my ex had the kids thank God.. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was bruised and I had to fight feelings of suicide again.. alone in bed. Alone in a old 100 year old farm house in the middle of winter..acres between me and the world. It was more than anyone should have to bare. The world never seemed so cold.
It took me a few weeks to tell my sister; when she responded the way she did.. I pushed it down deep. I could not go to the police; I was too traumatized. I wanted no one to know.
This is my way of letting it go here.. letting the world know I am no longer ashamed of being innocent. I know it was not my fault.
I think to some extent I brought it with me to every date, with every man. Like an unseen arrow in my heart. Like a bullet lodged deep. It is now I see it.
I talked to Mr.B last night.. he helped me find the wound even if it was not his intention.. I told him about the rape..
Now I am freeing myself of the arrow.
This is why I trashed my first post.. I saw through myself.
And Mr.B.. helped by being my mirror.
And I do not want to hurt him as I do not want this pain to keep on existing by spreading bitterness.. the man who raped me did not win.