INTIMACY…Chapter 8

I have given good examples to you by the men that I have dated; examples of the lack of intimacy and love.. I can truly say that I have never had a man make love to me.. they have only had sex with me. Even my husband; he was making love to the woman he was tring to make me into.. he never really loved the woman that he had. He could not of truly loved me because he did not accept me as the person that I am.

I know that I will have love and intimacy one day; that a man will love me for me and make love to me.. because I am sending out this intention to the universe as I write this.. he will read my writing and by that he will truly know me… he will see my soul and my spirit; the very fabric of my being and love me completly as he reads my worlds.. sees my artwork and has my poetry sing to his soul.. I know he is there right now waiting for me.

The men that I have exposed to you in my writing were cruel as they only cared about their own selfish needs and dark desires; they behaved as in the depts of their animal instincts.. only serving to please the flesh and not the soul. After caught Lucifer with the stripper he told me I was a mercy fuck. The Butcher has admitted to only fucking me.. the Preacher used my body to please his needs and then took his guilt out on me.. his guilt for what he saw as his own weakness of the flesh..telling me that I was the spirit of lust.

The others that I did not sleep with used me to feed the male ego.. to keep a nice looking woman on a string; tied to them, as a vitim chained to a post. The promise of love was always there but kept just out of reach and then denied of me completly.

You may think this has made me a desperate woman.. so heart sick for love.. so lonely and afraid of pain, yet searching for the golden ring, the promise of heaven on earth.. to love and be loved. I have felt this way from time to time. As it seemed to be just with in my reach; I could see it glowing, so clearly this golden ring.. but the wheels of fate would change so quickly it would slip like water through my hands. Yes I crave love like every living and breathing creature and soul on this planet.. it is only natural to want to be held to be seen and loved for who one truly is. Yet I am not as desperate as one might think given the circumstances as I have found the love of myself through my many trials I have found the great strength with in me; I know that when this man enters my life that I have been made ready for this great and incredible love that will be know between us..because I have learned to love myself regardless of the men that have tried to own me; rip me to pieces, shame me and reject me. I know my heart and it is golden and pure.. the love that I have to offer another will be pure and true.

We live in a society that has taken the intimacy out of sexuality; we have become obsessed with sexual imagery that has nothing to do with sensuality and intimacy. We are being sold sex that only pertains to the young and the wealthy and we are being fooled into believing that if we have what is being sold that we will become more sexually viable. Sex has become a selfish, cold and perverted act in the way its is being presented to us. Sex has become a way of gaining power and control over others, sex has become a way to feed the ego. It is up to us to have the wisdom to see past this immaturity and to know with in ourselves that this is a lie that is being used to control us by attempting to make us feel insecure about our bodies and ourselves.

When we have sex just for the sake of sex we beging to experience intimacy deprivation. Intimacy can not exist in a relationship that is only based on having sex just for the gratification of the flesh. When we are living only in the flesh we may feel our spirit slowly wither away and decend into sexual addiction. In purly sexual encounters we are never satisfied because of the lack of true connection with our partner. Many fo use are afraid of true intimacy because of the fear of being hurt again, but it is through intimacy that we become satisfied and fulfilled. When we lower our defenses we find our own freedom from the prison we have built around ourselves. Withoug trure intimacy in our lives we are missing our on desert; life becomes bland, cold and boring.

Intimacy is sharing our true selves with one another. It is by being honest and open that we will find comfort in each other. When hurts are forgiven and we know we are loved despite our weaknesses, we blossom and open towards a sensuality tht is grounded in honesty. When our lovemaking is free of guilt and remorse it’s true depths are revealed to us. The richness of love’s fire is gound by understanding; when we truly listen and nourish each other. It is when we help each others past wounds to heal that we establish this trust and deep friendship. When we go beneath the surface of our lover, this is where true intimacy is established.

Lovemaking is our way of bonding and communicating with the flesh, making love is speaking with out words and showing the deep love that lives within. Passion is known when we realize that we do not want to live another moment without our lover in our lives. Passion is the fire of attraction and compassion that holds a romantic relationship together. Passion is the longing for the next kiss, the next touch……

The following poem speaks of love through intimacy in the act of making love.

WATER

Precieving your flesh on the foam, I listen to your whisper on the waves

I hear you

Taking you in on the ripple of light, I behold you on the green seas of delight

I see you

I am blessed by our undulating dance, I must touch your soothing wetness

I feel you

Giving and taking of your healing vapor, I breath in your sweet scent

I smell you

I drink of your mysterious pools; I hunger for your deep depths

I taste you

I know or your need to fill me, I am loyal to you with my commitment

I love you.

this poem speaks of knowing your lover with all five senses the sixths scense being love.. the mystery of the us seen that can only be felt in the heart

  • http://kidkrayon.deviantart.com/ Kid

    This poem is so beautifully expressive; truly speaks to your sensuality and complete awareness of being. Your writing on ‘Intimacy’ brought a tear to my eye:

    “…he will read my writing and by that he will truly know me… he will see my soul and my spirit; the very fabric of my being and love me completly as he reads … sees my artwork and has my poetry sing to his soul.. I know he is there right now waiting for me.”

    You’re very gifted. Thank you so much for sharing, Grace! :)

    • http://gracieackerman.wordpress.com Grace

      Thank you so much; I hope my writing creates my reality! It so nice to check my emails in the morning to find a comment and a complement like this one :)

      • http://kidkrayon.deviantart.com/ Kid

        I once heard the Scottish writer, Grant Morrison say that by writing his comic book series, “The Invisibles” and by drawing/painting, he was performing the work of a magician, thereby creating his reality. You’re extremely passionate and willful in your writing style, so no doubt, you are also performing magic, invoking your reality! :) I spent a considerable amount of time last night reading many of your essays/blogs – it’s fascinating and says so much about the society that we live in. It’s such a shame that most people do not adopt the ‘live-and-let-live’ attitude that you seem to embrace. Kelowna is filled with snobs and idiots of all kinds – I should know as I grew up here and unceremoniously left the area at the age of 18 … but, there is something special here – not just the fair weather – it’s a spiritual connection that runs deep into the volcanic earth and back out into the ethers. Perhaps that’s why there are so many conflicted folks in these parts? They can’t handle the energies! It takes beautiful Souls like yourself to harness and adequately attempt to explain what’s really going on ….. may your quest to know yourself help others in turn, making this place absolutely spectacular! :D <3

  • http://kidkrayon.deviantart.com/ Kid

    By the way, I adore your Art, Grace! It’s quite psychedelic and thought-provoking! …has an emotional impact! :)

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