Watching my sister Sharon die, was the most important life lesson that I have experienced thus far.. Having four miscarrages also taught me how fragile and priceless that that life is. We forget in our day to day living how to see the beauty in the little things..but when the little things are gone..we see how big and important that they were..
Just a month ago or so.. my four year old son, hit his head hard on a rock sleding..he did have his helmit on..but even so the he hit the rock.. just above his eye..he could of lost his eye.. When I brought him in the house he was drooling and he could not focus and his breathing was weird.. I thought he was going to die right infront of me… I am not a mother that panics..this was the real deal.. in an instant my little boy when from being perfectly healthy to have head trauma..I called the ambulance.. he is doing well today…but my piont is..life can change that suddenly and without notice.
That was what it was like, when my sister Sharon was found to have a stage four..brain tumor in her left front side of her brain…within four weeks she was gone..at the age 38..leaving behind her two teenage children… yes with in less than a month we all had to learn how to live without her in our lives…
But her death taught me this…. I never take my health forgranted.. when I go to the gym and I pump the wieghts above my head with all my might.. I think ” this is for you Sharon.”.. now I eat very healthy as I am aware of the cancer that took her life… my sister spent her entire time.. looking after everyone else..she worked her hands rough..she worked herself exhausted to meet the needs and demands of others.. and of course it was never enough.. my sister didn’t use the word no.. She never took the time to heal daily..for self-care.. she never refilled the cup of her soul..and others learned how to take from her constantly as she was willing to give of herself until there was nothing left of her but cancer…It is true that we teach others how to treat us.. if we lay down and play doormat..we will have others wipe their feet on us..
This is what she said to me a few days before she died..we were in her hospital room and she was telling me about all the things she would have done differently… she said ” I never would have drank that cream soda with the red dye in it.. it causes cancer you know Gracie?”… I tried not to cry as I said ” Yes I have heard that Sharon.”.. she told me..”I shouldn’t of eaten at McRaunchys..so much or at all.. I think that gave me cancer too Gracie.”…” Yes” I said holding in my tears…” it could of Sharon.”…” I think it did.” Sharon said matter of factly..” Gracie.. I wish I had traveled more.. I wish I had told my husband to fuck off.. I wish I had more fun.. I wish I had more vacations and I wish I had played with my kids more.. I wish I had become a single mother.. I wish I had found a man to really love me..and do nice things for me.. I wish..Gracie that I hadn’t settled for such crap.”..she said it like a statement.. matter of fact..she meant every word of it.. I was crying by that time…Cause I wished all those things for her too..
She had managed to save over $6,000.00 to go back to school.. she was planing on leaving him before she got sick.. she was going to change her life..she was going to become independant…she was going to find a man that would love her one day.. she was going to love herself..she was going to find herself…but then the cancer struck her in her brain like a bold of lightning..and it was growing that fast..like a bomb had exploded in her brain..reaching down into her spinal cord making it hard for her to breath..
She said to me..” Gracie… have fun..Gracie..go and see the world..Gracie play with your kids..Gracie, eat healthy, exercise..take care of yourself..don’t let anyone tell you what to do or who you are…Gracie I am leaving this world..God told me to get ready..You have lots of time still..you can live.”..These were some of Sharon’s last worlds to me..to live..to not take my health or my loved ones health forgranted..to play to have fun..to run towards life and not away from it..to not fear the unknown but to be excited about the possibilities..
This is wisdom..
I remember sending her last meal away.. I had tried to feed her rasberry jello that morning but she couldn’t hold it down…the lunch cart came and I had no choice but to make the call..and tell them no more food..that it was impossible for her to eat anymore..Now I see each meal as a blessing..as I know it feeds my living body..Take nothing forgrated..take no one forgranted..
Now I will tell someone I love them even if there is not promise of love in return..because I want to live life with no regrets..NO REGRETS!
What would you change? What would you do…if this was your last year on earth? What have you left undone.. unsaid..?
I left my sister alive..she died the next morning.. I was at home nursing my 9 month old son at the time.. I listened to her last breaths on the phone..while my son nursed off of my breast.. One living..flourshing..new to life..the other leaving the world..far to young..
I will live for her.. I will run into life and free fall.. until I grow my wings..