My last date was a disaster; I shouldn’t of gone on the date with him, after he called me DUDE by text message, after he had see just some of my boudoir photography that I had sent to him by email. But he was intelligent, good looking, fit and he had a great sense of humor; but by calling me DUDE he was saying I was not attractive to him. I should of listened to my intuition but I was in a lonely place. Most of the time I can handle my loneliness but this time it got the better of me; I told myself that I wouldn’t truly know for sure unless I took a risk and dated him. I could tell he wasn’t keen on the date after calling me DUDE; he stop text messaging me as much and it went from a sexual tone to a more serious tone. But he showed up; I took him to a friends party, he was a really good looking guy and he had a sweetness about him; but he soon seemed to turn bitter as he had a negative opinion about everyone at the party after we left. Not everyone I guess but many.
He had wanted to see my book; as I had some of the chapters on my email from my publisher for me to go over and correct with them. I invited him into my house; but he was hesitant to come in; he even sighed at the idea or the suggestion by me. I told him up front that he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to. He came in and looked at the book and my very sexy pictures that are in the book; he was very closed off towards me, and it seemed as if he was scared of me. He talked about how Kelowna seemed to be full of people who were into loose sex and that he had run into many; he talked about how disturbing it was to him that so many people could just have casual sex. Of course my website and book are to do with creating intimacy through love and healthy lust. I could agree with him that our society had lost it;s integrity. He then went on about how he had heard by someone who worked at a local radio station that there were so many people in Kelowna affected by sexually transmitted diseases; at this point I was starting to feel as if he was grouping me in with these people. I felt as if he was saying to me that because of my work and my writing that I must be sexually perverted.
I asked him to come and sit on the couch and talk to me; we moved way from my computer and I sat on a separate couch as I could see he was not comfortable with me being near him; it was like he was afraid I was going to molest him. My dress kept slipping down and my bra was showing so I kept pulling it up; I caught him rolling his eyes at me, as if to say that I was doing it to get his attention and I was trying to hard to be sexy. No it just kept slipping down and I could see that he was not comfortable with me being sexual at all. I then tested it by sitting be side him and asking him if I could read his palm; he kept pulling back or away from me, he wouldn’t look me in the eye. It seemed as if I was freaking him right out. I was totally insulted. I was so hurt and shocked!
I stood up and we talked some more before he said he had to leave; he hugged me; he was as rigid as board. He seemed very relieved to get out un-raped.
I cried that night; I have had guys try to change me into a good, little, nice girl and guys try to put me into the sex only category but I have never had a guy treat me like a freak before. I sent him an email the next day; he had not text messaged me, and I knew OF COURSE that he was not interested in me at all as it seemed that my sexuality disgusted him. I told him exactly what I am telling you; I told him how shocked and hurt I was; he got mad and I got mad..and that was that.
Then because I just couldn’t make sense of it and of course because I wanted; in some way to prove to him that I was sexually viable I sent him an email saying I was sorry for judging him. I know. I well… I don’t know I guess and I still don’t know if it was wrong or right to try to be his friend as that is what he said he wanted. I added him to my facebook. I had to change to his gym because my gym was screwing up on the daycare and his gym was my my gym years ago and it had a great day care. Anyway I thought cause I was going to his gym that it would be and even better reason to befriend him. I have seen him at the gym once; and seeing him hurt me as it just reminded me of how he made me feel like a crazy tramp. I looked at his facebook to see lots of very exceptionally pretty women as his so called friends. One of them worked out beside me one day; she eyed me up and down constantly, I wondered if she recognized me from his facebook. I thought did he do this to her too? Does he do this to all of them? Is it his way of getting his power back from the ex that cheated on him, by making beautiful women question their sexual worth the same way his ex must of made him question his when she had an affair on him; it must of made him feel as if he was not enough or not sexy?
I knew then that I had to take him off my facebook; every time I saw him online I got a sinking feeling; it has been about a month since I had a date with him and I still haven’t got my sexy back. I don’t even want to touch myself! That is not normal for me at all! I have a high sex drive; but he made me feel dirty. Here I am trying to abolish the shame that society puts on to our sexuality and he made me feel SHAME!
But not only did he make me feel shame; his reaction to me and my body, and my creative, spiritual work, caused me intense heartache; so much so that I have fallen into a mini depression; his reaction to me made me feel hopeless and despondent. His seeming disgust and mistrust of my sexuality and person made me want to give up on men. It made me feel as if no man in the world will ever understand or love me; it made me feel as if men will only use me or want to use me for sex. His reaction to me caused me to cry for days and even still I do not understand it. Even still it makes me sad.
Now that I have taken him off my facebook I can begin to heal and I hope that I can get my sexy back fast; if I don’t feel attractive I will not be attractive.
I know there is a lesson in this and I think it is simply that some people just don’t deserve you; it as simple of accepting that some people just wish to share their pain instead of working through it in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt others. I am sorry that women have hurt him by not being loyal or trustworthy. It is a shame because he really is a good man; he simply isn’t aware that he is putting his rejection and pain onto others.. like me.