Grief; chapter 4 continued

After a while the gravity of our loss crashes down on us with absolute certainty and we can no longer hide behind the shock. This is when the first wave of sorrow and anger comes crashing doen upon us and it feels like we will never surface under the weight of such saddness. Then again and again we maybe engulfed in incredible emotional pain so much so that we may feel physically ill. It is here in the deepest depths of our sorrow tht we feel helpless and so alone, for our grief is ours alone because no one knows our relationship with what has been lost like we ourselves do. It is at this time that our tears fall as if they will never stop. We have been taken up on the stormy sea of grief and on the ocean of tears and by these tears we find our way back to land of everyday life. The more emotion that we let ourselves express and feel the sooner we will come to accept the loss that we must face.

Grieving is inevitable; if we do not face our ship into the storm it will only delay our journey. Grieving can not be avoided, in doing so we will be shadowed with the dark clouds of sorrow until we complete this journey. When we are faced with new grief the old will resurface with a vengeance causing us to finish our unfinished business with it. As friends and nieghbors we need to let the grieving grieve. We need to make room for their sorrow and be strong enough for them so they have someone to comfort them. We should never suggest that they should cope better, because we are only saying so for our own needs.

When someone is grieving we should see this as an opportunity to come out of our own selves so that we may grow in compassion for another. It is a time to learn it is not all about us and our perspective; it is a time to show respect and empathy for the grieving; because we will all experience great loss and be in need of comfort.

When we have learned to accept our loss and when we have learned to live with this loss we have found our way back. After experiencing loss we are forever changed by it; we have weathered a great storm and we have learned wisdom by it. We may forever long for what has been lost because the longing reflects te love that we felf for the one that has left us behind. We are honoring what was, yet we have completed this journey.

Now in this present moment I am still progressing through the grief of the loss of our marriage, I sold the wedding rings, put the house up for sale and found a process for divorce negotiation were we do not have to sit face to face. When I sold my wedding rings my identity as being his wife went with them. I see now that the wedding rings were only a part fo the disguise that I have been wearing that has kept me from myself. The turth is that our relationship was an illusion, because my husband never truly accepted me for who I was a the very begining of our courtship and because I accepted this I am just as responsible fo the house of cards that fell.

When we lose anything in life it is an opportunity to see through our own ego, to become vulnerable enough to see that our personalities and our lives are but mere projections of our attitudes and beliefs. I created this just as much as he did in the fact that I let him believe and treat me as if I was inferior to him. Now that my role as his wife had been stripped away from me, it is no longer a reality and I can see the lies that I told myself and the lies that I accepted from him. I am grieving the loss of the Illusion, how sweet and tempting illusions can be a wonderful distration away from the hard but necessary growth of the human spirit.

Now I know for certain that I truly love him as I have nothing invested in the love that I have for him, I expect no love in return for my love, and I can not use this love as manipulation as he no longer loves me. this is unconditonal love, it is the same love that I felt for my sister as she lay dying, on taking her last breath and while grieving her and even still I love her. My husband could not understand how I could love and grieve her the way I did, because in life we had our issues together, It bothered him that I could make her out to be more than what he thought she was. Now this love is here for him, a love that is forged in grief, because even if he cannot see hope, even if he cannot percieve light, I can. I must stay clear of his destruction and so this love will be from a distance; yet I do not love him as a lover or a husband anymore only as a fellow soul. Now I will get on with the repair and healing of mine and our children’s lives as I prepare for the divorce.

  • M

    Grace, your words echo my feelings, my emotions in so many ways. The grief, the despair, attempting to work through it all. I keep expecting to wake up in the morning a new man, the sheer weight of all of this pain just magically gone.
    What an insanely slow process it all is.

    M.

    • http://gracieackerman.wordpress.com Grace

      Sometimes grief never completely goes away.. but it just becomes less intent.. time does lesson the pain my friend.

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