I have been crying
I read a guys book, he was from my town, I told him how much I liked it and studied it at the beach this summer. It was about public speaking, how to be yourself, how to have passion for your purpose, how to connect with people.. I took notes on the beach while my children played around me. I took my time reading it because I wanted to absorb the information…and I really liked and admired the man who wrote it. I never met him, but he is intelligent, passionate and I thought authentic.. so rare in this town. There are so many fake people, so many look the same and do the same, afraid to standout and be different least they should be shamed. They are all very important people… or so they want others to think.. like a small town Hollywood.. lots an lots of expensive cars and fake boobs here.. He seemed different.. I friend him off facebook.. he was happy to hear about how much I liked his book.
But he found out who I was really was, when I posted a happy birthday message on his facebook he took it off..but he kept the very important people’s happy birthday wishes up.. I was shameful I guess as my profile picture was me as Isis topless..and yes I had written about how the woman from Spirit Of Kelowna had attempted to humiliate me by telling me that my website was unacceptable to Kelowna Woman in Business.. how she had defined whore to me.. suggesting that is what the business world thought of me.. ( the woman from Spirit of Kelowna is right..she is the spirit of Kelowna..fake) and I wrote about the man from The Entrepreneur Society asking me if my father had fucked me.. in front of my 5 year old son..as I would have to be sexually fucked up to write about sacred sexuality and have this type of photography done of me.. of course these are his people and I am not.. I am the shamed one.
I told him all that and that I was unfriending him on facebook because of that.. he responded ( do not comment on my fan page – thanks) and sent me the link that I was not supposed to comment on.. I told him he was a fake and that I was throwing his book in the trash.. when I took his very well read book off my book case ( the pages were falling out) I looked at his picture and cried.. the dream shattered of who I thought he was.. his message a lie.. he is a well packged written lie.. but worst of all is this.. this hurts me and cuts me so deeply words can not express.. he is a good looking fit man my age, that loves to work out and is passionate about many of the same things I am ..and he shamed me as a dirty slut ( even when I write that I cry the pain is so deep).. I have had to fight and fight to be heard and not abused in my city..so many rumors going on about what a slut I am.. It has been so long since I was with a man it is like physical pain..because they have all been the same in this town..takers and users.. like sleeping with a person without a soul.. but I am slut to the Business world in my city and that is what he has been told.. or it is his own ignorance.. his own prejudice that runs his actions of excluding me from .. everything..I have no platform to speak from in this town.. I have no family to support me.. I am totally alone with three kids who`s dad is rarely around because he is selfish..
There is nowhere left for me to go in this sexist, ignorant town.. there is nothing here for me but I can move my kids away from their dad.. I am stuck here judged and shunned by people who are kind to their own kind.. I am alone and doing everything I can.. using social media to break my message out of this town..but because this man hurt me so deeply and because I am still crying and picking myself back up.. I am wounded.. I am cut..by him..a man that I admired that cut me down..I disabled my facebook account because my emotions are so raw.. I cannot be effective and I might lash out and hurt others by accident..even on twitter today I said a bunch of stuff I should not have..
I am hiding socially from my town.. no social functions, nothing with other artist.. I feel battered and beat up..and then the rumor goes around that not only am I a slut..but a victim