Chapter 3 continued

Then his trip to Mexico, His friends wife called me to tell me she wanted her husband and his friends to go on a trip to celibrate their 40th birthdays and that they had had some money to give to my husband for doing work for them that they didn’t think that he actually owed them. I felt manipulated because if I said no them my husband would feel controlled, yet if I said yes than I would feel angry at him wanted to go and do this without me. We hadn’t even had a honeymoon, so I thought he wouldn’t want to go and I didn’t think that he would accept their money. Well was wrong, he wanted to go and so I tried to be good about it and told him I was, but I felt abandoned.

Not only did I feel abandoned but I aslo felt like the outsider again, like I had done in my youth a a teenager, watching all the other kids have normal lives while I was left out of having any fun and only surviving. The fear of abandoment turned into intense emotional pain and then eventually into anger and then into rage. After I told him it was arlight to go I pleaded with him not to, well how do you take something like that back? He became angry with me and told me to stop makeing it about me and about us; It is only a guys trip, why did I have to take all his fun away? Then he told me that he couldn’t stand me and that he needed to get away from me. The words flew fast and furious and everything escalated out of control. I felt suicidal and put myself into he hospital. I told his friends who gave him the trip what had happened so that they would know what it was doing to us and so that this would never happen again. Then christmas was ruined as my husband for the first tim just gave me exactly what I asked for and nothing more. I knew he was angry with me, but as raw as my emotions were I saw this as a deliberate attempt at cruelty. The next night he spent in the shop and he didn’t tel me, so all night I cried not knowing were he was. He came into the house in the morining and started to shave like nothing happened and I hit him between the shoulder blades. He said he thought I knew he was in the shop.

Then finnally he told me were they were going in Mexico and stupid me, I looked it up on the internet. The resort I saw was a beautiful couples paradise! I lost it!!! I had PMS and my husband was going to take our romatic honeymoon trip with a bunch of guys he went to high school with!!! I cried fro a good 10 hours, I wept for the loss of romance and compassion from my husband and tht he hated me so much that he could do this despite my absolute heartache. I know now tht he needed to escape the frightening landscape of what our marriage had become and that he just didn’t know what else to do and that at 40 years of age he was experiencing peer pressure form the guys he went to school with long ago. He needed a timeout and he had felt controlled and smothered for far too long and if our marriage had been in a better state and if his wife didn’t have the fear of abandonment that she does, he could have done just that in the way he wanted to, but that’s not how it went.

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