BREAKDOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 10 year old daughter woke up in the middle of the night crying; I couldn’t comfort her and within a few moments I was crying just as hard beside her. She said she didn’t know why she had a bad dream or even remember what it was about, just that she had a really bad feeling and it wouldn’t go way.. but I suspected why and I am sure she had the bad dream because of me.. She kept telling me throughout the day that she could tell I was worried and that I was thinking too much, and then on the way to the beach she said to me ” Mommy we are the only ones you have, us three kids aren’t we?? When daddy left us his family and friends stopped talking to you and because of your book and blog Auntie Chrissy will not talk to you and she will not let our cousins talk to you too, you don’t have a lot of friends like daddy does, daddy has lots of help, Christina helps daddy with lots of stuff and so do Grandma and Grandpa.. but you don’t have any help..do you mommy.”

Of course as all kids do, she was just telling the honest to god truth.. but of course the real truth is so painful. All the time I try to hide from it but the truth is the truth and it hurt me like a pain strait in the center of my heart. I told my daughter that she has a strong mommy..inside and out and that I can handle it..but of course I was lying because sometimes I fall apart..

Mr.B.. well he had been emailing me trying to get back together with me. First he was telling me he could not give me his body just sex and that he would be seeing other women while he had just sex with me.. he told me I was like shooting strait heroin, that I was the best he ever had and that he just couldn’t be with out me. I told him that I couldn’t sleep with him knowing he was sleeping with other women, knowing I was not the special person for him. Then it started to sound like a business deal. It turned out I may be the one after all, lets just have sex for a while to see what happens. We started sending each other erotic pictures over our phones and text messaging each other, talking on the phone and really communicating. But I knew the weekend was coming and that I had my kids, I was waiting for him to loose interest.. what he didn’t know was that I was watching him on the dating site that we were both on.. I knew that when he was not texting me or emailing me he was chatting with someone else. Sure enough the Friday came and of course he told me by text that he was out with some friends and couldn’t communicate with me.. I checked the dating site, and he was online as he was texting me. I left him a message on site..while he was chatting with someone..it simply said ” Have fun with your friends ;) “.. yup friends.. I then copied and pasted his emails and sent them back to him, that said he wanted to be with me and only me.. and that he wanted to stop fucking every vacant pussy.. ( his words) of course I have not heard from him all weekend..doesn’t  it just suck when someone shows you.. your lie???

On top of this guy trying to belittle me and treat me with no respect I have had such a stressful time promoting my book; it is so hard to go and do a cold sale let alone go into a book store with a book I wrote that has photography of me nude in it.. nothing can make a person feel more vulnerable.. nothing can take more guts than that! I have to take my kids with me, I can’t get a sitter. I am a single mother with no help.. just like my daughter stated. I have so much guilt over dragging my kids with me, and being so busy. After we hit several book stores I took them to the beach.. I was so stressed out my kids had to leave me alone for 15 min.. I had to just go stand in the water up to my waist and pray.. I felt so bad for my kids, but I was so stressed out I couldn’t even let them touch me until I had this 15 min to myself.

That night when my daughter woke up crying I had been crying and I had cried myself to sleep. I was crying because what she had said was true. I felt so alone. I have been so unsupported by anyone close to me as there isn’t anyone really close to me. Then with my ex fucking around with the child support..the stress of doing business and promoting my book dragging my kids with me and this guy fucking with my head and emotions.. I broke down. It has affected my stomach, I have been sick to my stomach since seeing this guy and because of my ex husband fucking with financial stuff too. I cried hard before my daughter woke me up..when she woke me up I ran into the bedroom to comfort her, but I couldn’t help her, I had nothing to give her as everyone seems to have emptied me..so we cried together.. two blue eyed blonds weeping holding each other.. I felt like a little girl too.

I told me kids ” I feel like such a bad mother, I have been working hard on the book, I can’t give you what your dad can, he has all the money..he can give you your own rooms, he has love in his life and friends and family..I feel like I can only meet your basic needs.. I don’t feel like I can give you enough..I feel guilty when I go to the gym but if I don’t work out I think I will get so sick from the stress.. I feel like I am a bad mother.” and I cried and my kids hugged me.

I told them ” it is not your job to fill me up, all you have to do is grow up to be the best you can be and help other people too.. this is not your fault that I feel this way and I am going to be better tomorrow.” Then my 5 year old son told me ” I am gonna punch em in the face Mom..all those people that hurt you I am gonna punch em in the face and punch the holy god out of em!!” Then he started punching pillows and the air..he was so cute and funny that the girls and I started to laugh and the more we laughed the more he beat up nothing.. so the more we laughed and our laughter turned into belly laughs.

I tucked them all in and as I turned out the light.. my son farted and promptly told us all it was him.. We all belly laughed and went to sleep.

I got up in the middle of the night to take Mr.B out of my email contacts, out of my phone contacts, deleted all the text messages..trashed the emails.. I went on the dating site and blocked him.. blocked him from contact and from my search and I deleted all the emails from the dating site.. I want to forget him.. forget his address and his phone #.

If anyone has to pull you down..disrespect you and treat you like you are less than what you are, it is because they believe you are to good for them and they are insecure and broken if they need to break you.. If he was a good man he would treat people with dignity and respect.. not use women for sex and ego games.. someone needs to man-up.

The next morning I cleaned my house, cooked yummy things for the kids..and found my strength again.. I found Gracie again.

Yes I fell flat on my face..but character is getting back up.

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