My entire blog and my book are based on being vulnerable; my photography shows my vulnerability through my nudity..
I write to create connection; by being open and authentic, by being my true self I hope to help others have the courage to do the same.
It seems our society is based on the projection of perfection and of course this serves to feed the ego and it causes our consumption of goods and services. We buy into the hype so that we can keep up our false face; we need our false face as armor against what we understand as a cruel and judgmental world. It starts right away; as soon as we hit the playgrounds as young children and if we remain blinded by the ego we may spend our entire lives chasing a false hope.
Real hope is found by facing and expressing our imperfections so that we may uphold each other through the sharing of our experiences; this is why I can tell you with out shame.. what I have experienced in my life.
I grew up very poor; with a very mentally ill mother who took her own life when I was 13. My father beat us all relentlessly; he was a very angry cruel man. He believed women were beneath men and that they existed as objects for men to use at will. I ran away and spent my 16th birthday on the street, cold, hungry and scared. I went into the foster system and at 18 met and went to live with my first boyfriend who drank to much and beat me too. I was celibate for a year after I left him. When I left him I left with almost nothing as I had to run from him and hide for my safety. I was in student loan debt up to my eyeballs; but a least I still managed to put myself through business school and I was a stellar student. But I was poor and had nothing but my health, smarts and looks. After a year of being alone and working myself through the rest of college I met my ex husband.. now it is easy to see how I could get involved with an emotionally abusive man..as I simply didn’t know any better.
As you can see I am damaged..but the truth is we all are to some degree our another and the truth is none of us know what the future holds for us..this is why it is so important not to judge another’s journey as it is you own.. it is simply true..we are more the same then we are different.. we all will feel joy and pain..we will all loose and win.
One thing I do know for sure is this.. my past does not make my unlovable… it makes me beautiful, fragile and strong.. as life is a contradiction..as it is a miracle that it exist and that it keeps on existing..The heart and soul.. mind and body wonderful contradictions.. none of it really makes any sense as none of us do..we are constantly fluctuating and changing as we mirror energy..the energy of the universe.
I know that despite my past that I deserve love and to love another.. Even through the intense anger that I have felt of the unfairness of my past and sometimes my circumstances.. I know I can love and be loved.
I can admit that I am wrong..that I have been wrong and that I am wrong..there is no shame in being fallable.. I am.
I am imperfect..but in my willingness to show you my fragile heart.. I become strength.. and I am able to love fully.
The beauty is this.. my book was created out of pain.. how wonderful that I took all that pain..anger..frustration.. loneliness..sorrow..and I channeled it into a creative purposeful path..I took ugliness and recreated it into beauty.. I took anger..and hate…and I created love.
I am love.