These last few weeks I have done some intense soul searching; the question that keeps presenting it’s self to me is ” am I broken?”
I am questioning everything, all the men that I have dated.. My marriage to my ex husband..the question is ” am I unloveable?”
” am I impossible to love?”
I if I was to go back and look at it scientifically the evidance says I am unlovable.
I am unloveable to men.
I am the untouchable one.
My father didn’t love me cause I stood up to him.. my husband didn’t love me cause I did the same thing. I have a history of saying it off the cuff. I don’t take shit from men and the don’t seem to like that at all.
It seems this year I can talk to men just fine. I can make male friends but I can find one that is mine.
I think back this last couple of years at my dating experiences.. I have been given nothing but shit.
From David Burdett who treated me like damaged goods
To Chris McDonald who just used me for sex.
To Doug Adams who just wanted a pet.
And Adrian Taylor who tried to keep two women on the go.. Lucky for me I saw him screwing the young girl as soon as I did.
The point is that none respected me. None saw me for me. Not one of them took the time or could be bothered to really give a shit about me.
All of the were selfish, they only cared about their needs.
David with his writing .. all he could see was his own world, he never truly listened to what I had to say, he never truly heard me or saw me for me. All he cared about was his own world. All he cared about was his own perspective. He didn’t care about me, he never truly took the time to even seem. But the emails went back and forth just to sooth his ego. I don’t really know if he was playing me intentionally or not.. but the piont is he didn’t take the time to see me at all.. he never knew me. He made his mind up; I was freak and that was that.. but I just couldn’t accept that someone saw me that way. It hurt to much. It tore me up inside. It confused me to no end. It broke me.
And then Chris McDonald.. he played me up. He was the worst; oh shit forgot about Mike Tremblay..he was very horrible too. Both of them could be good friends, they are both ruthless men.
They pretended relationship and they both hurt me in bed. They both ripped my heart out and left me emotionally dead. They broke me too.
Doug Adams was my old high school friend. He pretended to be done with his marriage but he couldn’t stay out of the house. He was telling me about bathing there. About cutting off the phone cause she wouldn’t argue with him. Than he wanted to spend Easter Dinner with his WIFE and kids..wtf? He found out I had a house up for sale.. he started to plan what WE would spend that money on when the house sold.. he brought new car bourchers to me..It was fucked up he was trying to use me to feed his ego, get back at his wife and then get some cash out of me too. It was sickening.. this underhanded greed and sleeziness broke me to. Yes he broke me too.
And then Adrian Taylor..and his lies right to my face saying I was safe with him..that we would always be truthful..that he would not lie..within 24 hours I found him having hardcore sex with a not quite 19 year old girl. And then the games started the horrible games. The cruelty was sickening too. Yes he broke me too.
This Valentine weekend my ex refused to pick up the kids to take the woman he left me for on a nice romantic weekend. I don’t love my ex anymore but it is just the irony..the bullshit that I am such a good person but I get this shit. Yes this breaks me too.
I feel broken by love. I feel so used by men.
I feel that romance is gone if it ever existed at all?
I have never found it myself.. it is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Love for me, with the opposite sex, and romance too,,
It is just a myth.
So logically speaking.. I can write about love..the love that I crave and the love I dream of
I can write about the love that I see others share..but the reality is this
I have yet to know and experience it.
Yes. It make me very sad.
Valentines Day..for me is damned