ALONE

I have always been alone… no one has stayed in my life. I didn’t have my children to fill this.. I fill their lives as I am their parent and mother.. All of the people who were suposed to uphold me never stayed.. they left me. Even my good friends moved on..as friends do.. they always do for me..they move away or they decide that I am to much work.

The men in my life.. have always left me.. they never stay.. my ex lasted 14 years.. but in truth he was never there for me he only wanted me there for him.. he left me alone even when he was in the same room..as he ignored me all the time.

Since then.. I have met men… and my hopes soar..I think that this time, the romance will happen..he will show me the moon and the stairs…but the dream vanishes before it has a chance to become reality.. like a wisp of smoke or a mist in the fall air..the dream is gone..he is gone.

I lay awake at night and I dream of him.. who will he be? I make up a new life in my imagination.. I imagine myself happy and in love..sharing my life with him.. we travel..we create..we cuddle and we make love..I laugh at his jokes and he laughs at mine.

But in reality.. Do I push them away before it can begin? As soon as I start to fall for him..I feel pain… I expect him to leave..they all do they always do…everyone leaves me..I will show you the door, because I know you are going.

This is how it happens; he kisses me, holds me and then he doesn’t call for a few days..mean while I have been living in my imagination expecting the dream.. but he doesn’t call or when he does he says something insensitve.. I am waiting for it as my wounds of past loves gone wrong are still there waiting to burst open and bleed again.. he doesn’t call or when he does he sounds cold and impersonal.. I help him leave.. cause that is what they do.. I get defensive.. because I am hurting and I expect him to hurt me; because they all do..so I tell him; not to call..I can even push him out the door physically when he will not commit to a strait answer.. yes I expect him to go..thats what they do.

He could stop this from happening, he could keep me..if he wanted to..if he would only call me right after.. not making me wait on my old pain.. not leaving me alone with my thoughts and imagination… he could keep me if when he sees me he would wrap me in his arms right away.. he could keep me then.. he could keep me if he told me he wanted me to be his girl.. yes then he could keep me..if he called me throught the day.. just to say hi and that he misses me.. then I would be his.. he could have me that way…if when he saw me he made love to me.. not just sex.. but cuddles and real love.. yes than he could keep me from pushing him out the door.

If he made room for me in his busy life.. if he took the time to include me if he didn’t exclude me… yes he could keep me from pushing him away.

But in the balance not smother me.. not try to own me.. just want me..than I would let him stay.

  • Franz

    Well, you fall in love and it is the most wonderful thing you have ever experienced. Limerence takes over your body mind and soul completely making you get lost in the other person. A feeling so strong and magical hard to resist when it happens wanting more of it.
    And then it happens, a break up out of the blue, some crazy misunderstanding and there you go it’s all over. Like something got ripped right out of your body a loss so big making you feel alone and abandoned.
    But really we always have been alone within ourself. There is only one of us inside. Isn’t a human an individual that functions independently? What we lost is that wonderful feeling. And with that loss as a self preservation we go into shut down mode. A form of slow self destruction. Pushing ourself into sadness, hate, depression and many more of the bad feelings. We start to feel sorry for ourself silly us, wondering why. And i really did ask myself that over and over during my time of separation. Like a zombie roaming the streets, I was just living on autopilot. Feeling sorry for myself. Telling my story over and over to anybody who wanted to listen.
    Then one day I realized I was perfectly fine before the brake up why can’t I just be fine again? And the grieving process started to take place and I was not alone anymore because i had myself and me.
    I was getting better, but every time there was a new woman that I liked and and shared some time with, I started to push her away after a while. I hurt them by doing so and it hurt me too. But I had no choice. I started to freak out about feeling limerence again and loosing it again. A fear so big that i could not allow it to happen again. The thought of having to go through this loss again was something i never wanted to experience again. You might call it becoming emotionally unavailable. So there I was dating a bunch of women on POF with no hope of it lasting due to my own doing.
    We push people away, when we feel that we might get hurt again and we do it knowingly and also in our sleep. I have recently experienced and shared a connection so amazing and I want it to last. It happened when I felt absolutely best about myself and when I started to love who I am.
    With that i believe that at our own pace we will let people back into our lives. We are more aware about it and careful. We grow and with change we learn to accept who we are what we are and what it is that makes us tick. It’s like a gay coming out we are accepting ourself for what we are, coming out and making a stand. Being able able to say “No” this is affecting who I am and being able to walk away and feel good about it.
    So walk away from feeling alone and if you push him away it is telling you something. But when you have doubts, make sure you weigh against your needs. Compromise has it’s place in life but not when it come to your own emotional well being. We do it all the time but nobody want’s to be a living dead.

    • Grace Morin

      Franz Thank you so much for your insight agian…you always have away of shining a new light on the subject and having us look at things in a new way.. thank you

      One day I will find that special someone.. who will get me and let me be me as I will let him be him.

      There are times when I like to be alone and I can be alone and not be lonely..but sometimes I am to alone.

      But these are moments to be passed through, lived in and then released…

  • Franz

    So true, we do need comfort and being nurtured some more some less. In different ways and forms a reflection of our childhood a need to fill the subconscious mind craving what was missing growing up.

    • Grace Morin

      It’s true we are all small children in our hearts..we need to be loved, respected, held and comforted..we all need love.

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