When I first saw him.. I really think I saw him. I didn’t see what I wanted to see. I didn’t see what other people thought him to be. I didn’t see what other’s would expect me to see in him. I didn’t see in him what his own family would see in him. I didn’t see him how he would of wanted me to see him. I saw into him; I saw his soul. What I saw was the little boy in him walking hand in hand with the wise old man in him.. I saw his essence. That is what I will keep; what I will hold onto..but now that I think about it or feel about it.. more that I feel about it. I will hold in my heart.. all of his darkness as well.
I will hold in my heart his darkness or his shadows because this is the beautiful disaster that tore me apart.. when he said I was paranoid and a victim.. when I could see him looking at my bikini clad body.. taking in all of my flaws to weigh and measure them.. when he didn’t acknowledge my beauty ..see my womanly charms but instead he saw my imperfections.. while I saw past his and into his heart. But is it only his darkness or mine as well..because how could I feel love and attraction to man whom I obviously somehow repelled .. or did I ? Is he right? I am living out my inner victim..am I paranoid to think this..to feel this.. am I the beautiful disaster? Or is he?
I know I saw him but did he even see me? Or did he see what he thought he saw.. what he came to see and expected to see before he looked into my eyes? Did he really even look? Who did he see when he looked into my eyes..I don’t think it was me that he saw..but what he expected me to be..but was he right in his expectations of me..?
When I put on my lip gloss.. he became annoyed .. just so slightly annoyed.. not excited or sensualized..but ever so slightly angered ..as if I was using it as a ploy? Or am I just being paranoid?
I don’t mind that he is right..because he is right. I am flawed.. I am a woman.. chaotic ..passionate.. unreasonable from time to time.. and a mystery even to myself.. as even I still go deeper into depths within that I haven’t explored that scare the shit out of me.
The little boy in him is silly to think he has all the answers.. so innocent to think or see women as black and white… that we could be so easy to read..but just maybe all the rest were just that.. I don’t know?
But I do know that he doesn’t define me.. as I am always re-birthing myself.. he doesn’t define me as no man has or ever will..as I am constantly just getting to know myself.. he told me I was lowering myself to victim levels.. yet I like the depths were I go.. I like to be both high and low.. as are most women.. we are multi-faceted .. sometimes, hot, cold and now and then we are warm.. warm hearted.. hot blooded.. and icy cold when we are judged by other’s who refuse to see their own flaws..
Yet I am not bitter.. because I rise in love.. I rise in the love that I felt for him before he spoke a word.. not just a word that dropped from his lips..but the words from his body and eyes; that told of his thoughts upon my heart, body and soul.. I rise in the love that even through his innocent blundering.. I could still see the treasure in him.. and I am peaceful and calm in the knowing that he didn’t really know what he was doing..
His uptight manor.. his posture so stiff and rigid .. the protection of his heart and feelings.. protected from a woman who was too open..too vulnerable.. too sensual.. too honest.. too real.. he wasn’t there for that.. he was there for business.. he was there to see if I would with walk with my head in the clouds with him.. he wasn’t there to be pulled to earth and made to see that.. all that glitters isn’t gold.. he didn’t come to meet a woman holding her heart wide open..to see a soul wide open.. he came for pleasant talk..and pleasantries.. polite conversation.
Instead he found a flawed, beautiful disaster.. or was it he ?
But he wins..or did I let him win..or are we both wrong and right.. because their really isn’t any wrong or right..there is only perspective..and every human is fabulously flawed..
But I will keep the spark in my heart, of the love.