I was walking down town Kelowna last night after a date that didn’t work out. It seemed that he was really into his money and into sex just for the sake of sex. His business but not what I wanted. It seems so hard to find anyone right for me. It seems sometimes like such a cold hard world.

With my sister freaking out over my website and my up coming book and my ex being a controlling asshole it seems that I am surrounded by assholes. I didn’t include some of my sister’s emails, as she called me a PIG.. and told me I was gross. She insisted that my photographs were highly touched up..and went so far as to say I was wearing a body stocking.. with the words ” repent.. repent!!” ringing in my head I have had enough. She of course put these words on my blog pretending to be a stranger just to mess with my head. Of course she thinks the book will sell as I have done nothing but whore myself. Oh and she thinks the book is about hating men.. she hasn’t even read a word of the book..it is the farthest thing from the truth.. it is about men and women loving each other authentically. But to her I am a sinning whore, and because of her attitude I have been shunned by my nearest family.

My ex decided to bring his girlfriend along with him to pick up the kids for the weekend.. the one he had the affair with.. then he proceeded to try to argue with me in front of the kids over stupid stuff.. she started to yell his name from the car, as neither of them watched our 5 year old son running between cars.. I of course pointed that out ( dumb ass!) My little boy wanted me to get his wallet out of the car for him; it was full of the money that he ” Found” in our house ( too cute!) but I couldn’t get it for him as it would have lead to confrontation between my ex and his girlfriend. So my little boy left for a week without me; mad at me. I am so sad 🙁

I only was able to see my girls for 24hrs as they had been in summer camp for a week before I brought them home for the weekend only to leave with their dad the next day for a week. I am so sad 🙁

Then just a few hours ago Family Maintenance called me to ask if he had paid the child support as he didn’t go through them like he was supposed to. The reason I took him to Family Maintenance was to stop him from controlling the situation..but I am the one who has to get it strait with them when he doesn’t go through them. Once again he put the check in the door were it can blow away just for the pure sake of the  control and the head games.. You know.. Fairway Divorce, did nothing for me. The separation agreement was never followed. He ripped me blind and he is still controlling shit!

I am so sick and tired of being bullied by these assholes that were supposed to be my family!

My dating life has not been much better; it is all about control..why do people do it?!!

I don’t want to be controlled by a man with money! I don’t want to be treated like an object of lust, never to be loved!

I want someone to hold me and love me; someone authentic and real.. down to earth and true.

Well to go back to my walk down town after my date. I walked by a young man sitting on the cobble stones. He was still a teenager; he was dirty, exhausted, and he looked ready to cry… he asked me for money, but I said ” sorry” and I kept walking.. he burst into tears and he said ” WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL? WHY DON’T PEOPLE LOVE ANYMORE? NO ONE LOVES ME”.. my heart melted. Just melted. I felt tears well up too. I asked “How much do you need? What do you need it for?” he told me ” I need $10.00 , $4.50 for bus fare with transfers. I want to go to my Grandmothers house across the lake. I would like the rest to get a sandwich, because I am so hungery I can’t wait to get to her house to eat.”

The thing is this.. I had found $20.00 at the beach a week back, I spent $10.00 on ice cream for my kids at the beach. I had kept the other $10.00 bill for some special reason.. I felt this was it. To help someone who felt hopeless and alone, helpless and unloved. I told him I had $10.00 bill and passed it to him. The look of disbelief was PRICELESS! It was a true miracle to him!

Thing is this.. I know exactly how he feels.. how can I deny him the kindness I long for myself.

Like my 5 year old son says ” The world needs to turn around so that I can grow up to be who I am supposed to be.”