Posts Tagged ‘women’s heart’

Chiron Tears

 

Sometimes there is a gift or two in sadness, suffering and sorrow. We are a society that is constantly searching outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment. But what if it is the constant searching that makes us unhappy? We are always waiting for a better tomorrow and a brighter day but when we do this, we are not being in the moment or being present in our truth ,and the reality that we are currently facing. I have been doing this by telling myself that when I meet my soul mate my life will begin again. I have put myself in a frozen holding pattern by telling myself I will not be fulfilled unless a man loves me romantically again. I have wanted to prove to my ex husband that I am lovable by finding a man to love me the way he refused to do. But then if I believe this I am not loving myself and I will not be loving the man I could be with. I would just be in love with love or romantic notions rather than with myself or with the person that I am with.

I have been doing this with my book as well. Telling myself my life will begin as soon as I reach the success of having a publishing house publish me, and by reaching public notice, that my life will then begin. But the truth is my life and I have always been here this entire 8 years since my husband left me with our three kids. The truth is just the fact that I wrote a book and self published the bo0k has been a level of success that few people ever reach. The truth is that happiness has not evaded me but I have been finding excuses to ignore it.

I learned this lesson from the last man I dated just a few days ago. I fell into the online fantasy again and did what I said I would never do. That was texting and face timing with a man for hours before meeting with him in person to see if there was a physical connection. In the last 8 years of my single life it has always ended badly. You see it is easy to construct a romantic fantasy online. It is easy for men and women to profess to be much more online than in person. It is like building a castle in the clouds. It is nothing but fantasy that cannot be in reality. When I was on my way to meet him I felt a deep sadness because inside I knew what was going to happen. It crashed and burned. He told me he didn’t find me attractive by text message afterwards. I felt the fall again. The fall from the castle in the clouds. I went over everything he said to me in my head ” I really feel like something amazing is happening between us, something very special.” that’s what he said; and I fell for it like a total fool. Like I said, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I have had so many of these meet up dates over the last 8 years I can’t possiblily remember them all, it must be over 100. Yet here I was falling into the same patterns of longing and yearning for the fantasy man who would ride in on his white horse and save me from loneliness.

One of my worst fears is dying before I am loved by a man

But then what if I drop the false hope? What if I drop the yearning and the longing and I let myself fall deeply into the wound of loneliness? What if I stay in the wound for awhile and explore the pain? What happens when I just allow myself to be in the reality of being alone? What if there is never going to be anyone? Can I be happy just being alone? Can I learn to except myself as the loner, weird artist, spiritualist that has always never fit in? What if I just accept the reality of the place that I am? It’s drinking my tears to heal my wound because the wounds of abandonment cannot be healed if I keep abandoning myself in this loneliness. And that is the gift in the suffering, itis  learning to accept myself as I am, it is learning that real love isn’t a fantasy and anyone that tries to sell you on a fantasy isn’t looking for the real thing; and wouldn’t know the real thing if they think a fantasy is love. Because real love is accepting yourself and others for all their imperfections and wierdness. I was willing to look past his imperfections but he was not willing to do the same. Sometimes it is better to be alone. I felt myself fall and get pulled down by crashing reality because I allowed the fable.

Sometimes being hopefull is actually being in denial because my heart knew and my intuition knew exactly what was about to happen because my subconscious was waking up to my denial. So there is no fairytale ending but there is a real and honest happiness in facing the truth. No one can make me happy but me and no one can heal my emotional pain and wounds but me. My happiness is my responsibility, moment to moment because the moment is all we have.

My book is available on amazon.com ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ by Gracie Ackerman

To Kiss Him

 

My heart will not forget him. I try so hard to harden my heart as his heart is hardened to me.. I tell myself ” What is meant to be will be.” but oh how I miss him..

Spring..a warm day as we sat on the beach.. and I looked into his sparkling, diamond, green eyes.. to see his soul.. a soul so sweet that I was swept off my feet.. and the walls around my heart; they did crumble and fall.. leaving me vulnerable and weak.. oh, how I miss him.

And the words ” I Love you.” they wanted to cascade off my lips like waterfalls of bliss.. but I caught them before they fell.. before they made a sound..but my heart still yelled ” You love him.” and I wondered what it would be like to kiss him..?

I watched his lips then, as he spoke his words then ..and I wondered ” How soft they seem to be.. how sweet and tender .. how would he taste to me ?.” and my heart broke wide open.. weepy and sweet like honey at his feet.. yet he seemed not to believe me..and why should he? So many bitter and broken women had come before me..speaking sweet words that were just candied poison..and so he miss read me.. for my heart is true.. and I am truth.. and I fell in love with the god within him..

And so he cast me off as days went on.. thinking me like the rest.. like the women who whispered of love and passion but hid the blade until he feel upon it.. leaving him bleeding and broken. I saw the wounds .. I felt his pain and with all my heart I wanted to mend them.. to hold him in my arms like a newborn babe .. to give him love to heal them.. to bring him light and love..to bring him joy and bliss..but he thought me to- good- to- be- true..and so he pushed me away from him.. and he did to me what they did to him..and because I understand; I forgive him..because I love him.. like a mother loves her babe.. because I know the soul within him..

So spring turned to summer..and summer to fall..now fall to winter.. under the Christmas moon.. my heart longs for him..and I wonder ” What would it be like to kiss him?” and I felt his soul brush with mine..or was it just wishful thinking.. and I saw him in my imagination.. his fuzzy beard.. his wavy hair..and then I kissed him..

A Single Mother and Sex

 

I am just in the mood to share my thoughts on what it’s like to be a single mother that gives a fuck. I give fuck about living a good life,  about my kids, my work, my body and my fitness. I give a fuck about spiritual enlightenment and about real people. There are many things I don’t give a fuck about. I don’t give a fuck about shallow, boring people and their bullshit, small talk. I don’t give a fuck about high school drama played out by adults in their mid 20s and up.. grow the fuck up.. until then not one fuck is given by me. I don’t give a fuck about the party lifestyle. I don’t give a fuck about people that make excuses. I don’t give a fuck about pity parties..and I don’t give a fuck about other single moms that put fucking asshole boyfriends ahead of their kids. I don’t give a fuck about weak ass women.,, women who do everything for men ..and nothing for their own sake or the sake of their children. I give a fuck about the things and people that matter.. the things that make you stronger.. the things that cause you to improve… I give a fuck about people who give a fuck about people and things that matter..for the rest; not one fuck is given.. ( and so I ramble ) but I don’t give a fuck because it feels good to speak my mind..and that is why I am still single. I need a man who can take it.. strait up like a shot of 100 proof truth.. I don’t want a man that needs me to become some weak bitch to make him feel like a man he obviously is not.

And so it is, that I don’t have sex and haven’t for quite sometime..but when I become interested in a guy and he starts to put his bullshit and baggage on me.. I don’t think carrying all of his past relationships and insecurities ..is worth the cock .. honestly.. there always seems to be some fucking karma involved and some other stupid girl that stalks his ass..or girls..and I think to myself ” fuck it” Because I love my mind, free and clear.. I love to think about shit like this..about writing on my blog as some rogue bad girl..misbehaving .. swearing like I own my freedom.. screaming out on text like some wild little wolf pup howling into the wind.. this is my voice.. I don’t want to give it up..for some cock LOL ( ha that made me burst out laughing like some crazy thing ) I like being crazy Gracie.. I love it and I love myself.. I don’t want some guy putting me into a box for some cock LOL..it’s just not worth it.. but of course the catch is; I like sex..but I don’t want it to be used against me to own my mind and emotions to feed some guys pathetic ego. Why do guys need to be worshiped? I don’t have the time for that shit..or rather I don’t want to spend my time worrying about if my man is going to stick his cock in that woman that flirts with him.. the one that feeds his ego more than I do..or more than I could ever want to.. I just don’t want to do it.. I want to go to the gym.. I want to write funny shit.. I want to meditate or paint or dance.. but yes it would be nice to have sex.. but why the hell does it have to cost me the freedom of being a free woman? Why the hell do guys think that to be my man he has to take up space in my head.. I feel smothered.. I am an intellect.. an artist, a free spirit.. I just can’t be a nice, well behaved girl just so that he will keep bringing his cock to me..and not put it in other girls who dumb it down just for him..

And then.. young guys or older guys ..or guys my age..

young guys want to party..

guys my age are bitter and mad at the ex wives..

older men ..well they are boring as hell..

Tis the conundrum ..the catch 22.. and because I give a fuck about the stuff that matters ( while not giving a fuck about the stuff that doesn’t ) I give a shit about love.. *Oh* there is just no winning here!

And then guys say stupid shit like ” If women made us step up by having us chase them instead of throwing themselves at us we would date women and be more romantic” I call bullshit on that..stop blaming us for your immaturity..a man needs something to chase.. my ass.. because once he has got it;  he is keeping his options open for the  next best piece of ass..because variety is the spice of life you know?

I am sorry this doesn’t come off as intellectual banter tonight..but I am a woman and so I have my moods..and tonight I am feeling like just doing whatever the fuck I want..if I had a man in my life do you think I could? Don’t you think he would be looking over my shoulder asking ” What are you writing about babe? Holy fuck you can’t write about that.. you sound like a foul mouthed bitch.. you should take out the swearing.. you should say intimacy instead of sex.. don’t put in a sexy pic either.. I don’t want guys looking at your tits.” so the question is.. is some cock worth it?

The Goddess

In my book I use photography and writing to express seven different Goddesses or aspects of The Divine Feminine. The Goddess that is my main archetype is Artemis.. she is the FEMINIST.. she fights for the rights of all women and their children.. she fights for The Underdog. I am also very athletic; very strong willed, proud and strong minded.. I am strong. I have had many women tell me I need to tone it down so that I can attract a man vs scaring them off with my intensity ..but I can only be who I am.. we can all only be who we are. Artemis is quick in every way.. her bow and arrow represent her quick wit…her intentions flying high and true.. she stands for justice..she was Wonder Woman before media made her into an Americanized Super Hero.. 

From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ Available on Amazon.ca

Artemis

 

Isis was the main Goddess of the East in which all Goddesses that came after were emulated from. This means that the different aspects of the Goddess Isis were broken down to being named as separate parts and personalities; but Isis was the first archetype or template of the wisdom, of the feminine aspect of the Divine.

Artemis is understood as the huntress; she was an independent, strong athletic Goddess. She resided in the woodlands and she was considered the Mistress of the Animals. She was also seen as the Mother Bear that would hunt and protect her young with her life. She was not to be taken for granted as she could do for herself and her young. She is the single mother, doing the job of both mother and father. Artemis is also the athlete; she represents endurance and great strength. In childbirth she was seen to oversee the mother; giving her the endurance and power to carry on through the pain and long hours of birth.

If she were to be a real person; her personality would be of a very earthy woman; she would bait her own hook if she was fishing, she would gut the fish, cook it and feed it to her young and clean up when all the eating was done.

Today she would be the single mother; if she was emulated today, she would be the woman bringing home the bacon and then mothering all alone. She would not take “NO” for an answer at work or at home; that is the reason today why many women find themselves alone. They may be alone for a while but soon they will meet the man that is man enough to understand her strength and respect her for it.

She is the tomboy; she is not afraid to get dirty, she is not afraid ofa rainy, windy day outside; she is the woman of the earth; she craves the race. For the right man she is his best friend and his lover; she keeps him on his toes. The woman that has the personality of Artemis is sure to be seen leading the pack; if it be in business or even in the home front; this woman know what she wants.

Compassion

 

What if I said to you, it is all right to feel blue?

What if I held you close to my heart and let you cry?

What if I understood your pain?

What if I didn’t make you feel ashamed?

What if I offered you comfort instead of blame?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

 

What if I let you talk until you’re done?

What if I stayed with you through and through?

What if I wiped away your tears and cried with you?

What if I didn’t tell you to get over it?

What if I stayed strong for you through your weakness?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

 

What if through my past pain I learned to care?

What if I learned mercy and released bitterness?

What if I chose to take up wisdom instead being a victim?

What if I shared my treasure with you?

What if through my understanding I could help you?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

 

What if I opened my heart instead of closed it?

What if I used my own lessons to unfold it?

What if I chose to show tenderness instead of selfishness?

What if I held my hands out to lift you up?

What if I brought hope to the hopeless?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

Surrender

 

Sweet sorrow

Sweet like the summer rain

Moist and tender like my heart

I surrender

 

I give in to the pain

I release myself to the rain

I fall softly in to myself

I surrender

 

I let go of control

I know to fight the tears is pointless

I cry

I surrender

 

My heart it bleeds

The red fresh pain released

I feel at least

I surrender

 

My heart so tender

Raw and alive

Oh how I cry

I surrender

 

I love the hurt

The pain it teaches me

Who I am supposed to be

I surrender

 

I surrender all of me.

Mr. Ego

You know your on to him and over him when you stop reacting to him.. it’s just that simple. You need to become aware of his games and his need for constant attention. He needs people to see him do everything… he needs a constant audience’s approval or applause..and he needs to control women by doing things that intentionally piss them off; hurt their feelings or confuse them.. he is the kinda guy that comes into your life as Prince Char.. and ends up being the Devil’s ball and chain around your neck.. he weighs you down.. creates mental confusion and gaslights you into over reacting over his attention seeking .. he just loves to get you going.. he is vampiric.. he is just like Count Dracula .. he looks and acts so smooth when people are not aware of his true intentions.. his intentions to own them by public actions or PR.. his smooth and suave words just slither off his lips like liquid silver..but they are tainted with a invisible toxic..it is the intent of fooling others into following him and swooning over him .. of giving him a yummy ego and energy feed..while really he offers nothing meaningful or truly fulfilling..he is all sugar, empty calories..tooth decay.. he is a rotten apple dressed up in a beautifully wrapped golden, gift box.. he is Mr. Brag.. Mr.Swag.. Mr.Look at how great I am.. Look at how many people I know, how much money I have.. look at how many women want me.. he wants you to follow him because he knows you think if you do.. you can have what he has..but he hasn’t any intention of bringing you in.. he isn’t going to share how he got wealthy.. or his wealth..if you are a woman he will fuck you physically and emotionally..if he can’t get to you physically he will fuck with you mentally, emotionally and spiritually.. he is like a male Siren,.. he will sing sweet nothings into your ear..all the while to pull you into the deep end..to wrap himself around you..and take you down and drown you.. then he will feed off of your remains..sharing your corpse with those in on his games..

So how do you spot him.. you watch him.. you get him alone and watch the mask fall off.. you catch on to what he is saying, doing and posting.. and you listen to your own energy.. you will know when your giving it away to him..do you feel drained and confused.. do you feel exhausted from the inside out.. do you feel sad or angry?? He can become like an addiction and he is addicted to his own drama.. Mr.Drama King.. he will grab you by your own drama and drag you in..

Listen.. he is going to keep doing the shit he is doing with our without you.. if you react and get pulled in.. if you get mad or sad..or react physically .. if you post shit about him..he wins.. he has got you..he is dragging you down into the deep and drowning you in misery.. and he is laughing.. all the way to the Ego Bank.. leaving your balance at Zero.. making you feel like nothing..so he can feel like everything.. so do this.. for get about him..stop caring about him..accept that he is what he is..and move on..set yourself free.. stop giving a shit..

The way to free yourself from his snare.. is to just see the devil for the devil.. and when you stop feeding the devil..he looses power over you.. and he will move on to new prey.. either he will lead them to totally self destruct..or they will catch on to him.. and he will wither away..and he will find a new crowd..a new following..who are blinded by his fools gold.. blinded by his smooth words and suave bullshit..but some people deserve it for wanting to be just like him..

But know this.. you were always way to good for him.. LOL

Over him

 

It’s such a wonderful liberating moment when you realize you are fully over a guy. I was putting on my makeup at the gym this morning after a brutal workout.. one leg up high on the counter like a dancer..as a song came on and he suddenly burst into my mind.. of course it was the song that was playing when I met him.. but as he entered my mind with the song I realized I hadn’t thought of him for a long time..and that is when I knew I was over him… then my mind went back to the few men that I have encountered over the last several years; after my separation and divorce..and I relished at the thoughts of being over them too..and then in my mind I thanked my ex husband’s mistress for taking him off my hands..I began to be really honest with myself..and my own bullshit.

I really like my freedom right now.. I think I always did..as soon as the ex left.. I think my spirit soared even though my heart was broken by the rejection..but I think subconsciously I drove him away.. because he was boring LOL LOL LOL and he wasn’t very smart.. he was awful in bed..he was boring in bed too!… I think it was a sweet self-sabotage .. that was really like a prison run!

And now here I am.. an independent single mom..and yes sometimes it’s scary.. it’s a lot of work..and I do get lonely.. and because I am not the type that sees sex as recreation .. I really miss having sex ..but I have learned about my own body and I am really good at pleasuring myself.. waaaaaaaaaaaay better than my ex ( hahaha ) my sex life got a lot better without him in the room.. but ya know the few guys that I have been with since then..{ very disappointing }.. and if they were half decent in bed they weren’t out of the bedroom.. having a guy fuck with your head, energy and time just isn’t worth it.. so truly there hasn’t been one guy to this date that has been worth giving up my single life for.. but now I love being alone.

I love that feeling of getting over a guy.. just walking away.. closing that emotional door..and bolting for the open meadows.. fuck it! Like the runaway bride.. I don’t ever want a traditional relationship again.. I don’t want the wedding.. I don’t want to be WIFEY .. GAWD NO!  I am really not keen on meeting his mother either.. I don’t want to be whittled way by a guy ever again.. they do this thing; where they slowly try to change you into their MOTHER! NOOOoooooooooooo! You see it all the time.. a woman that is hot and sexy gets into a relationship…gets engaged..and then she starts to get motherly looking..she starts to dress more conservatively or motherly..or just fucking frumpy .. then she starts to get lumpy ( fat ) and out of shape..and she starts to loose herself in his life! GAWD NO! She starts to loose her metaphorical voice..she tones it down.. dumbs herself down.. his opinion becomes hers! FUCK! Cause guys like kind women.. doormats to marry LOL! So he domesticates her with guilt trips and hidden agendas..and constantly compares her to his friends wives and his fucking mother. And 5 years later she looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.. she says ” Who the fuck am I ?”

I can be kind..but I can be a little, wild bitch..and ya know what..I like both sides of myself.. I like my wild, little, bitch, badass.. tell it like it is..give it to you strait up ..wild child self..and when I am in the mood to bake or cook and sing and be like Disney I do..but fuck being a doormat ..fuck dumbing myself down for some guy who is a big baby.. who can’t get over his mommy.. fuck that!

I am so over that guy.. calling him a pussy is a complement.. pussy are awesome.. he is an asshole.. I am over him.

If a guy is going to enter my life.. he is going to be intelligent, emotionally mature.. he doesn’t have to be rich or be super hot.. just my kinda hot.. my kinda wild fire.. and he isn’t going to be some boring shit.

I can’t see me sitting at charity events.. with some boring rich bastard.. nor can I see me tolerating Mr.Charming and tolerating his incessant need for public adoration.. I need a man who has a wild roaming spirit..someone to challenge me.. mentally.. not some boring, big baby ego maniac.

Or maybe once again this is my own bullshit.. maybe secretly I am like the wind.. nothing and no one can hold me in..tie me down .. maybe I am like my native grandfather.. I am gypsy.. I am just gonna follow the moon and the stars..

It’s a mystery even to me?

The Goddess

 

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

Isis the Star


Isis is the root of all the Goddesses of ancient times; she is the Divine Mother. Isis is the soul of the Star Sirius. Sirius is believed to be the gateway to the higher consciousness through the River of Stars. Therefore it is believed that Isis brought forth the higher consciousness of the Divine through her incarnation on this earth. Isis represents Mother Nature or the Mother of all humanity and all living things.

Isis incarnated to become The Muse of the civilized world; she was known as The Lady Of Love, protection, healing, beauty, fertility, art, music, abundance, mystery and magic; to name a few of her attributes.

As civilization sprang forth from Egypt it is believed that the root of all religion comes from this era in time. Isis, Osiris (her husband) and Horus (Their Divine Son) were all molded into Greek and Roman Mythology and through the Roman Catholic Church they were woven into Christianity. Mary Mother of Jesus is said to be Isis and Horus.

Jesus has been called the Morning Star in the bible as he originated from the belief that Isis and her descendants came from the Star Sirius and Sirius is the heavenly proof of their Divine Origin of the Higher Consciousness of Divinity.

 

It is believed that Isis and her family were real living people and that all of us come from this pool of DNA; our Divinity is our divine birthright. It is the established organized world order that wishes to keep control of their elite status through controlling the masses by fear. The fear that this so called cult or paganism will damn us all to hell; but in truth all is one and the root of the Egyptian Ancient culture taught that all originated from one divine source.

 

In moving away from sacredness and the wisdom that sex is an act of sacred union, we have soiled the sacred and lost ourselves in our own profanity. It is the goal of the elite to keep those under them down; the divine teaches that all is equal and that the truly civilized are wise enough to love and cherish the differences between the sexes and to understand the duality of the soul.  A truly divine civilization lives in a state of compassion. This is and was the Divine plan.

Heaven Sent

 

 

 

Heaven sent me to love,

Heaven filled me with light,

A light so bright,

Soft and white,

To pull you into my heart.

 

Heaven sent me to you,

To show you the right thing to do,

I am filled with warmth,

To comfort you,

I am here for you.

 

Heaven sent me to guide,

I am the pureness of truth,

I am to show you,

You,

I will bring you joy.

 

Heaven sent me to understand,

To show and bring wisdom in,

Into your heart,

To show you,

The soul you are.

 

Heaven sent me here,

To help and protect,

I  am here to remind you,

You are all,

You are light.

 

Heaven sent I am,

I illuminate,

I shine,

I bring in a higher way,

A pathway to the stars.

 

Heaven sent me to open your heart,

To show you the way through,

I will walk with you,

Through the pain and fear,

To bring you back,

To love.

 

Heaven sent the light,

The light is love,

Through the heart,

We all are saved,

We all have Heaven.

From Beyond

 

You saw me leave my body

But I am not gone

I am here as energy

I am here for eternity

 

I will never leave your side

I will guide you gently on

I was never gone

I am in the great beyond

 

I speak to you in your dreams

I live within a song

I move on the wind

I am and I will live on

 

I will fill your heart with love

I will bring hope

I am your shining star

I will carry you through

 

I whisper to your soul

I come to you unexpectedly

I come to you when your heart calls me

I will always be with you.

Use Me

 

I am nothing without you

I am your instrument

I need you to hold me

Hold me in your hands,

 

I empty myself

I make room for you

I need your divinity

Please use me,

 

I understand that I am your creation

I understand through this wisdom

I know that I live for this

For this time and place

To be in this space of nothingness,

 

Please use me

Play your music through me

Create using me

Bring peace through me

I live for this and nothing less,

 

I am your instrument

I am your paintbrush

I am your canvas

I am your pen and your paper

Please use me,

 

Nothing I want more than this

Is to set my ego aside

To see that I am more than this

To be your tool to create bliss

Please use me,

 

I surrender to this

This is my reason to exist

To be one with you

I must surrender myself

I must use my gifts,

 

I am filled with your light

I will help it shine

I will bring it forth,

By putting me aside

I am yours

When I chose to be the submissive

The Other Woman

 

She came to pick up my kids today.. as my ex was ” busy ” As she was buckling them up in the parking lot I was looking at them through the kitchen widow.. and getting my cold chicken out of the fridge.. I was thrust back in time..to 6 years ago.. when she came to our old farm house as an employee to drop off the landscape equipment at the end of the day.. he had just left me and the kids.. he had come to pick up the kids… I was alone crying..eating cold chicken when she drove into the drive way. Guess the chicken triggered the memory. I am sure she could hear my crying as she unloaded the equipment into the shed. We were in the country.. it was secluded and quiet .. I know she heard me crying..and she knew it was because of her and him..all though they were both lying to me about their affair.

When she came to work for us her marriage to an older man..who was an ignorant, in dept..wanna be rich bastard was ending. She was left in dept..she was in a desperate place working for us and a couple of other jobs.. The affair started when I lost a baby at 5 months into a pregnancy. He became emotionally withdraw and selfish.. I was too much work and she offered him solace I am sure. She had opportunity and motive. She was with another man; but he didn’t have any money.. but he had a handicapped child and he was fat. My husband was much better looking, fit and he was good with money. She knew of our struggles..and to her it was an easy in. I was very out of shape.. having had my 2 daughters that were still just toddlers..having lost a few babies.. I was in the ” in between phase ” She didn’t have pretty face, she was of average intelligence but she was very fit. I knew something was up when she wouldn’t wear a bra to work..and my ex said nothing to her.. even though he would of to other employees..he started to come home later.. he couldn’t account for large spaces of time..and he would talk about her to me.. I knew something was wrong. When I was expecting our son.. when it was confirmed that the pregnancy was viable.. he must of had some remorse or guilt..because she quit.. she started to work at the local grocery store. I ran into her once..as she was my cashier; I was very pregnant with my son..my daughters were with me.. they were both very little at the time..I asked her ” Why did you stop working for us?” Her face twisted into a snarl as she said ” Your husband is such womanizer, I just cannot stand how he treats women!” I actually stood up for my then husband at the time..but I realize years later her venom was because she couldn’t manipulate him into leaving me..so she was pouting ..her plan failed for the time being..of replacing me in the food chain. She was so selfish and self absorbed it didn’t matter to her that she would crush his children as well as me.

When our son was a month old.. we were out at the soccer field ..watching our little girls play when suddenly she just happened to show up? She walked over to us..and held our son all the while looking my husband in the eye with a pleading look..it was really quite sickening; that they both didn’t think that I could see what was going on.. all the while holding our little one month old miracle child between the two cheating lovers locked eyes. I was devastated..but when we got the kids into bed later that night.. when my then husband and I were alone.. he called me paranoid.. he denied it with a vengeance. Our son was born in April..she came back to work for us suddenly that spring.. with no bra..short shorts..and full makeup.

I saw them often through the widows of our farm house..as they unloaded or loaded equipment.. I saw their body language and flirting.. but of course he continued to deny it.. he came home hrs late one evening smelling like sex.. really .. he smelled so bad..because it was July and he drove home in the heat with her sex all over him.. even our little girls told him that he smelled yucky.. he said ” I was working in the ponds ” more like he was sleeping with a swamp monster. He changed his clothes..and woofed down his dinner still smelling.. he looked guilty as hell, but smug.

I know by Christmas they were planning .. they were making his great escape from the old ball and chain.. he paced around the house like an untamed jungle cat in a cage. You could tell he didn’t what to be with us.. he wanted his freedom..his hot piece of ass.. he stopped sleeping with me.. he would move downstairs to the couch.. he would pick fights by calling me names and accusing me of laziness.. I was called a bitch often for my anger at him and his undercover affair.. that was obvious..so obvious.

Money started to go missing..  the business files from the home computer were downloaded onto a laptop.. he stopped including me in the running of the business..but I was grieving the loss of my sister..who had just died from a brain tumor.. I was sick with undiagnosed celiac disease.. when some of the money showed up as an over payment to his old high school friends..and they informed me that they were going to take him on a trip to Mexico with it.. for his 40th birthday..a late gift.. ( A plan of escape ) but I was told I was paranoid..

He had been texting secretly outside on his phone all day in the cold of the winter.. because he was texting her.. I could see him smile and light up from time to time as a text came in.. She showed up at the house bringing Christmas gifts..one for me and the kids and one just for him.. of course he was across the property in the shop ( because they were texting the plan to each other ) when she came to the door to give me our ” Gifts” She was dressed in skin tight yoga pants.. stiletto high boots.. red lipstick and hoop earrings ( but nothing was going on right?) she asked me were my husband was { like she didn’t know } I told her he was in the shop.. I said ” You look amazing.. you are really fit ” She said ” I am in the best shape of my life!” and then off she walked to the shop.. a walk of victory to go and claim her man..right in front of his wife ..with our children around my ankles..

I know you are wondering ( Why didn’t you stop her..why didn’t you confront her?) There were many reasons. 1, I couldn’t make him stay 2, I couldn’t loose it front of the kids 3, my pride and dignity wouldn’t allow it.. I just couldn’t fall that low.. I just couldn’t let her or him do that to me..I just couldn’t.. So instead I stayed in the house with my children. With my toddlers and my baby boy.. I stayed strong and let fate just be fate.. but I was dying inside.. I died that year. The old me died.

Now in this present moment six years later.. yes she has all the money..she has the man.. she has financial stability ..she has a man that will walk away from his wife and kids when the going gets tough..she doesn’t have a man at all she has a coward. She has what she deserves..

Yes I struggle as a single mom..and yes this showed me how vengeful and manipulative other women can be..

But I am free of a man that didn’t ever really love me.. I don’t think he ever saw me.. I wonder if he even really sees how wonderful and beautiful our children are..as he is always looking over the other side of the fence to see the grass is greener..he will never be content… his heart is closed..so she got what she deserves..he got a cold hearted manipulative woman.. he got what he deserves. She is ugly on the inside.

But now I am in the best shape of my life..and I have a pretty face and a pretty heart..

I am ready to find a true and lasting love..

I got what I deserve..and so much better is on the way still..

I wanted him not Isagenix

 

It’s like a English comedy.. it’s so sad it’s funny. He put up posts on his Facebook about health and fitness.. I didn’t agree with some of the things he posted so I asked him if he would like to meet in person to talk about health and fitness.. little did I know he was sizing me up to become a part of his team..to help him build up his team so he could make money selling a starvation weight loss product. It is much like Herbal life was in the 80s. My dad used to sell that shit. He had his head in the clouds; daydreaming constantly about the millions of dollars he was going to make. My dad yo yo dieted for years on that product.. he spent many hours of his life and energy working his ass off for nothing. Most of the money he made he spent on product. But he would have windfalls now and then..but that was just fuel to keep him going. It was such a waste of time.

But anyway.. I had no idea that was on his mind; I thought when he was critically checking out my body for any imperfections he was judging me because of my book or something? Because I had no idea? He was looking me over to see if I had fat to cut LOL.. it’s hilarious..but so sad. For one thing I am in the best shape of my life.. my body isn’t perfect.. I have had three kids.. I have a c-section scar.. I am not a bodybuilder so I don’t strip all the fat off my body, but I have great muscle tone. I am super fit! But the sad part is.. somewhere in between locking eyes with him and in between our conversation I felt myself very attracted to his soul and personality….he doesn’t look like a guy that goes to the gym.. but that didn’t matter to me.. but the sad thing is..and the funny thing; almost Mr. Bean type comedy .. is that he didn’t see a sexy, healthy woman, who could be a potential mate in front of him.. all he was thinking about was making money!.. It’s just so fucked up! I am not angry when I write this.. I am not mad.. just shocked at what I learned when I went back to his Facebook to find the Isagenix link.. I mean seriously!? I have the worst luck in dating! And it wasn’t a date.. it was a sales pitch! A SALES PITCH! OMG!!

And so I saw the Isagenix link on his Facebook..but I didn’t really research it much until tonight.. just to see if I really missed out on anything big or special..because I met with him again.. not fully realizing that it was all just a sales pitch.. ( I AM SO STUPID ) and I gave him 2 hrs of my time.. and I cut my workout at the gym short to meet up with him on his schedule.. to pour my heart out..open my heart and tell him my sorry about how bullied I have been in my local city promoting my book about women’s sexuality.. I told him in detail ( while trying not to cry ) how I was sexually harassed with my son present by a local business man.. me not knowing that he was just trying to create an emotional connection with me to sell his product to me.. ( I AM SO GULLIBLE )

Then after the meeting I told him by text message that I was attracted to him and that I had romantic feelings for him.. he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship ( no he wasn’t .. he was looking to sell me shit ) So who is the biggest blundering idiot? Him or me? Probably a million guys would think he was an idiot for passing up having a chance with me.. but I bet a million men and women are thinking “Gracie you are so naive!” but I did feel something was up…

But back tracking again.. in our last meeting I read his tarot cards for him ( for free.. I do make a living doing this..so he got my 2 hrs.. cut into my gym time and got a free reading that cost $100 ) but anyway the cards said he had met someone..when I told him he blushed  { so I thought it was me..and that was stupid because a reader cannot read themselves into a reading ..but I thought just maybe it was ) so that’s why I told him I liked him ..but anyway I went back and read my cards afterwards and the reading came up with deception… I confronted him..asking him if he was believing gossip about me from our local community.. he told me I was paranoid and had a victim mind set… { REALLY NOW } I was just wrong.. or maybe half wrong.. cause they probably are gossiping to him..but he was the deceiver; it was him not being upfront and honest with his intentions to begin with..and because of that he triggered my paranoid response..but seriously after all the shit I have been through that I openly and honestly told him about..It’s not paranoid it’s street smarts.. I was right to  be careful..

But the sad part is.. I really miss taking to him. I really liked him..in an honest and open way..I liked him when he was just being himself and not a cheesy sales man..

Not only would I never sell that product; because I don’t believe that starvation diets work. I don’t think they are healthy. I don’t believe in multilevel marketing businesses..only %5 are successful because they were the first %5 to found the top level ( duh ) but even if I wanted to sell the product ( I don’t ) I have the shittiest network in Kelowna.. they have back-balled me for my book..they are totally prejudiced against me..and he knew it! How selfish of him..or just being a blundering idiot..what was he thinking? Was he really that greedy and selfish to use a single mom for just a wrung in his ladder of success.. to play with a woman who is so emotionally raw and vulnerable..so he could manifest his abundance..his convertible?

It’s funny and it’s sad.. just like a comedy of errors..

Guy meets hot bikini clad woman on the beach but can’t see her past his daydream..

But at least my head is out of the clouds now.

A Beautiful Disaster

 

When I first saw him.. I really think I saw him. I didn’t see what I wanted to see. I didn’t see what other people thought him to be. I didn’t see what other’s would expect me to see in him. I didn’t see in him what his own family would see in him. I didn’t see him how he would of wanted me to see him. I saw into him; I saw his soul. What I saw was the little boy in him walking hand in hand with the wise old man in him.. I saw his essence. That is what I will keep; what I will hold onto..but now that I think about it or feel about it.. more that I feel about it. I will hold in my heart.. all of his darkness as well.

I will hold in my heart his darkness or his shadows because this is the beautiful disaster that tore me apart.. when he said I was paranoid and a victim.. when I could see him looking at my bikini clad body.. taking in all of my flaws to weigh and measure them.. when he didn’t acknowledge my beauty ..see my womanly charms but instead he saw my imperfections.. while I saw past his and into his heart. But is it only his darkness or mine as well..because how could I feel love and attraction to man whom I obviously somehow repelled .. or did I ? Is he right? I am living out my inner victim..am I paranoid to think this..to feel this.. am I the beautiful disaster? Or is he?

I know I saw him but did he even see me? Or did he see what he thought he saw.. what he came to see and expected to see before he looked into my eyes? Did he really even look? Who did he see when he looked into my eyes..I don’t think it was me that he saw..but what he expected me to be..but was he right in his expectations of me..?

When I put on my lip gloss.. he became annoyed .. just so slightly annoyed.. not excited or sensualized..but ever so slightly angered ..as if I was using it as a ploy? Or am I just being paranoid?

I don’t mind that he is right..because he is right. I am flawed.. I am a woman.. chaotic ..passionate.. unreasonable from time to time.. and a mystery even to myself.. as even I still go deeper into depths within that I haven’t explored that scare the shit out of me.

The little boy in him is silly to think he has all the answers.. so innocent to think or see women as black and white… that we could be so easy to read..but just maybe all the rest were just that.. I don’t know?

But I do know that he doesn’t define me.. as I am always re-birthing myself.. he doesn’t define me as no man has or ever will..as I am constantly just getting to know myself.. he told me I was lowering myself to victim levels.. yet I like the depths were I go.. I like to be both high and low.. as are most women.. we are multi-faceted .. sometimes, hot, cold and now and then we are warm.. warm hearted.. hot blooded.. and icy cold when we are judged by other’s who refuse to see their own flaws..

Yet I am not bitter.. because I rise in love.. I rise in the love that I felt for him before he spoke a word.. not just a word that dropped from his lips..but the words from his body and eyes; that told of his thoughts upon my heart, body and soul.. I rise in the love that even through his innocent blundering.. I could still see the treasure in him.. and I am peaceful and calm in the knowing that he didn’t really know what he was doing..

His uptight manor.. his posture so stiff and rigid .. the protection of his heart and feelings.. protected from a woman who was too open..too vulnerable.. too sensual.. too honest.. too real.. he wasn’t there for that.. he was there for business.. he was there to see if I would with walk with my head in the clouds with him.. he wasn’t there to be pulled to earth and made to see that.. all that glitters isn’t gold.. he didn’t come to meet a woman holding her heart wide open..to see a soul wide open.. he came for pleasant talk..and pleasantries.. polite conversation.

Instead he found a flawed, beautiful disaster.. or was it he ?

But he wins..or did I let him win..or are we both wrong and right.. because their really isn’t any wrong or right..there is only perspective..and every human is fabulously flawed..

But I will keep the spark in my heart, of the love.

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