Posts Tagged ‘women’s freedom of sexual expression’

Contemplating my bad

 

Mentally reviewing the last 3 years attempting to network my book in my local community.. I realize my bad was dramatically reacting to their bad.. but of course I didn’t know what I didn’t know.. and that is what I know now…and it’s that I wouldn’t ever be accepted or be welcomed in their house of belonging due to the subject matter of my book ” Women’s sexuality ” Even though my book is tasteful and factual.. even though it is artistic and intellectual.. although very amateurish.. I wouldn’t ever of been accepted into their polished, conservative perspectives.. as they are comfortable in doing things the way they always have done them.. and I had no idea that the art culture in Kelowna and area.. are to support professionalism.. vs professionalism supporting the arts.. or any form of balance between the two. I had no idea of the fact that the people who create the culture in Kelowna, through the arts they decide to promote or show.. through the networking groups and organizations that they have created and run.. are groups and organizations based upon professional conservatism ..and that they are subject to their perspectives of good clean family values or MORALS.

My bad or my fault was to keep trying to break down their barriers and prejudices.. my fault was to keep trying to break through their walls and to try to change them after I had realized they all held the same views and they were not going to change them. Yes what they did and how they do things is wrong.. it is black and white..if you profess to include everyone in your groups and organizations..but exclude me due to the subject matter of women’s sexuality that is sexism..that is prejudice and that is black and white.. WRONG..But by me getting beside myself with anger and frustration.. with that anger and frustration turning inward inside of me ..to lead to suicidal thoughts a year ago ( I am doing really well now thanks ) but by allowing them that room in my mind, and heart they had won..and it gave them an excuse to call me crazy and a drama queen.. it gave them an excuse as a group..as individuals.. to keep excluding me..to never let me in..to not allow me to network in their groups or have speaking platform.. because of my emotions.. me attempting to hold them accountable on my blog by writing about every experience .. it made them feel justified.. so the did win. I should of realized that it was a battle that I couldn’t win after loosing so many rounds in the fight.. I should of seen it was draining.. sucking my vitality and life force.. it was taking away my confidence..as I was starting to see myself through their eyes.. I should of just walked off that battle field and realized not a single one of them was ever worth it.. that belonging or being accepted by them wasn’t ever worth loosing my sense of self over.. I should of seen much earlier that they wouldn’t ever be my audience.. because they are afraid of change.. even though they peach change and equality.. even though they go on and on about authenticity and having the courage to be different and follow your dreams.. I should of seen much sooner that these were just words of self promotion.. but I didn’t know, then what I know now.. now that I have watched them..now that I have gotten to know their patterns of make believe personas .. I sure wish I knew then what I know now..  but I am headstrong…and sometimes being headstrong can be a double edged sword..it can make you tough..but also it can make you blind to your own stubborn.. and gawd I am that.

I have a temper and righteous anger.. but now I know how to spot them because they all sound the same.. the all run in the same circles and all spout the same self-righteous crap. I can see the arrogance ..as they think they can do no wrong..and they have the power in numbers to keep their delusion of grandeur. But my bad was believing it.. comparing myself to them.. feeling like I don’t measure up because I don’t have the qualification or the professional experience that they all seem to have..but I have learned that most of their qualifications are hyped up bullshit.. my bad was not seeing it sooner.

The truth is I was and still am, their mirror.. a mirror that doesn’t work through the lens of their own rose colored glasses..but a mirror that shows them their lies and prejudices.. a mirror that shows them the truth…and that is ” Same as it ever was.. same as it ever was.” and it will always be the same old..for them..and that’s exactly why they don’t want to let me in or anyone else in that doesn’t communicate or network with in the frames of their comfort levels.. because they are afraid …

And there is my bad again..I didn’t understand it was really their fear and ignorance..it really didn’t have much to do with me.. change is a painful process..that they don’t want to face.

If there ever is a similar circumstance in my life again.. I walking away sooner.. I not going to fight battles I cannot win when I could change my strategy and change what I can.. I will accept much sooner..what I cannot not change.

The Goddess

In my book I use photography and writing to express seven different Goddesses or aspects of The Divine Feminine. The Goddess that is my main archetype is Artemis.. she is the FEMINIST.. she fights for the rights of all women and their children.. she fights for The Underdog. I am also very athletic; very strong willed, proud and strong minded.. I am strong. I have had many women tell me I need to tone it down so that I can attract a man vs scaring them off with my intensity ..but I can only be who I am.. we can all only be who we are. Artemis is quick in every way.. her bow and arrow represent her quick wit…her intentions flying high and true.. she stands for justice..she was Wonder Woman before media made her into an Americanized Super Hero.. 

From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ Available on Amazon.ca

Artemis

 

Isis was the main Goddess of the East in which all Goddesses that came after were emulated from. This means that the different aspects of the Goddess Isis were broken down to being named as separate parts and personalities; but Isis was the first archetype or template of the wisdom, of the feminine aspect of the Divine.

Artemis is understood as the huntress; she was an independent, strong athletic Goddess. She resided in the woodlands and she was considered the Mistress of the Animals. She was also seen as the Mother Bear that would hunt and protect her young with her life. She was not to be taken for granted as she could do for herself and her young. She is the single mother, doing the job of both mother and father. Artemis is also the athlete; she represents endurance and great strength. In childbirth she was seen to oversee the mother; giving her the endurance and power to carry on through the pain and long hours of birth.

If she were to be a real person; her personality would be of a very earthy woman; she would bait her own hook if she was fishing, she would gut the fish, cook it and feed it to her young and clean up when all the eating was done.

Today she would be the single mother; if she was emulated today, she would be the woman bringing home the bacon and then mothering all alone. She would not take “NO” for an answer at work or at home; that is the reason today why many women find themselves alone. They may be alone for a while but soon they will meet the man that is man enough to understand her strength and respect her for it.

She is the tomboy; she is not afraid to get dirty, she is not afraid ofa rainy, windy day outside; she is the woman of the earth; she craves the race. For the right man she is his best friend and his lover; she keeps him on his toes. The woman that has the personality of Artemis is sure to be seen leading the pack; if it be in business or even in the home front; this woman know what she wants.

Compassion

 

What if I said to you, it is all right to feel blue?

What if I held you close to my heart and let you cry?

What if I understood your pain?

What if I didn’t make you feel ashamed?

What if I offered you comfort instead of blame?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

 

What if I let you talk until you’re done?

What if I stayed with you through and through?

What if I wiped away your tears and cried with you?

What if I didn’t tell you to get over it?

What if I stayed strong for you through your weakness?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

 

What if through my past pain I learned to care?

What if I learned mercy and released bitterness?

What if I chose to take up wisdom instead being a victim?

What if I shared my treasure with you?

What if through my understanding I could help you?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

 

What if I opened my heart instead of closed it?

What if I used my own lessons to unfold it?

What if I chose to show tenderness instead of selfishness?

What if I held my hands out to lift you up?

What if I brought hope to the hopeless?

 

This is the heart of compassion.

Surrender

 

Sweet sorrow

Sweet like the summer rain

Moist and tender like my heart

I surrender

 

I give in to the pain

I release myself to the rain

I fall softly in to myself

I surrender

 

I let go of control

I know to fight the tears is pointless

I cry

I surrender

 

My heart it bleeds

The red fresh pain released

I feel at least

I surrender

 

My heart so tender

Raw and alive

Oh how I cry

I surrender

 

I love the hurt

The pain it teaches me

Who I am supposed to be

I surrender

 

I surrender all of me.

Over him

 

It’s such a wonderful liberating moment when you realize you are fully over a guy. I was putting on my makeup at the gym this morning after a brutal workout.. one leg up high on the counter like a dancer..as a song came on and he suddenly burst into my mind.. of course it was the song that was playing when I met him.. but as he entered my mind with the song I realized I hadn’t thought of him for a long time..and that is when I knew I was over him… then my mind went back to the few men that I have encountered over the last several years; after my separation and divorce..and I relished at the thoughts of being over them too..and then in my mind I thanked my ex husband’s mistress for taking him off my hands..I began to be really honest with myself..and my own bullshit.

I really like my freedom right now.. I think I always did..as soon as the ex left.. I think my spirit soared even though my heart was broken by the rejection..but I think subconsciously I drove him away.. because he was boring LOL LOL LOL and he wasn’t very smart.. he was awful in bed..he was boring in bed too!… I think it was a sweet self-sabotage .. that was really like a prison run!

And now here I am.. an independent single mom..and yes sometimes it’s scary.. it’s a lot of work..and I do get lonely.. and because I am not the type that sees sex as recreation .. I really miss having sex ..but I have learned about my own body and I am really good at pleasuring myself.. waaaaaaaaaaaay better than my ex ( hahaha ) my sex life got a lot better without him in the room.. but ya know the few guys that I have been with since then..{ very disappointing }.. and if they were half decent in bed they weren’t out of the bedroom.. having a guy fuck with your head, energy and time just isn’t worth it.. so truly there hasn’t been one guy to this date that has been worth giving up my single life for.. but now I love being alone.

I love that feeling of getting over a guy.. just walking away.. closing that emotional door..and bolting for the open meadows.. fuck it! Like the runaway bride.. I don’t ever want a traditional relationship again.. I don’t want the wedding.. I don’t want to be WIFEY .. GAWD NO!  I am really not keen on meeting his mother either.. I don’t want to be whittled way by a guy ever again.. they do this thing; where they slowly try to change you into their MOTHER! NOOOoooooooooooo! You see it all the time.. a woman that is hot and sexy gets into a relationship…gets engaged..and then she starts to get motherly looking..she starts to dress more conservatively or motherly..or just fucking frumpy .. then she starts to get lumpy ( fat ) and out of shape..and she starts to loose herself in his life! GAWD NO! She starts to loose her metaphorical voice..she tones it down.. dumbs herself down.. his opinion becomes hers! FUCK! Cause guys like kind women.. doormats to marry LOL! So he domesticates her with guilt trips and hidden agendas..and constantly compares her to his friends wives and his fucking mother. And 5 years later she looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.. she says ” Who the fuck am I ?”

I can be kind..but I can be a little, wild bitch..and ya know what..I like both sides of myself.. I like my wild, little, bitch, badass.. tell it like it is..give it to you strait up ..wild child self..and when I am in the mood to bake or cook and sing and be like Disney I do..but fuck being a doormat ..fuck dumbing myself down for some guy who is a big baby.. who can’t get over his mommy.. fuck that!

I am so over that guy.. calling him a pussy is a complement.. pussy are awesome.. he is an asshole.. I am over him.

If a guy is going to enter my life.. he is going to be intelligent, emotionally mature.. he doesn’t have to be rich or be super hot.. just my kinda hot.. my kinda wild fire.. and he isn’t going to be some boring shit.

I can’t see me sitting at charity events.. with some boring rich bastard.. nor can I see me tolerating Mr.Charming and tolerating his incessant need for public adoration.. I need a man who has a wild roaming spirit..someone to challenge me.. mentally.. not some boring, big baby ego maniac.

Or maybe once again this is my own bullshit.. maybe secretly I am like the wind.. nothing and no one can hold me in..tie me down .. maybe I am like my native grandfather.. I am gypsy.. I am just gonna follow the moon and the stars..

It’s a mystery even to me?

The Goddess

 

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

Isis the Star


Isis is the root of all the Goddesses of ancient times; she is the Divine Mother. Isis is the soul of the Star Sirius. Sirius is believed to be the gateway to the higher consciousness through the River of Stars. Therefore it is believed that Isis brought forth the higher consciousness of the Divine through her incarnation on this earth. Isis represents Mother Nature or the Mother of all humanity and all living things.

Isis incarnated to become The Muse of the civilized world; she was known as The Lady Of Love, protection, healing, beauty, fertility, art, music, abundance, mystery and magic; to name a few of her attributes.

As civilization sprang forth from Egypt it is believed that the root of all religion comes from this era in time. Isis, Osiris (her husband) and Horus (Their Divine Son) were all molded into Greek and Roman Mythology and through the Roman Catholic Church they were woven into Christianity. Mary Mother of Jesus is said to be Isis and Horus.

Jesus has been called the Morning Star in the bible as he originated from the belief that Isis and her descendants came from the Star Sirius and Sirius is the heavenly proof of their Divine Origin of the Higher Consciousness of Divinity.

 

It is believed that Isis and her family were real living people and that all of us come from this pool of DNA; our Divinity is our divine birthright. It is the established organized world order that wishes to keep control of their elite status through controlling the masses by fear. The fear that this so called cult or paganism will damn us all to hell; but in truth all is one and the root of the Egyptian Ancient culture taught that all originated from one divine source.

 

In moving away from sacredness and the wisdom that sex is an act of sacred union, we have soiled the sacred and lost ourselves in our own profanity. It is the goal of the elite to keep those under them down; the divine teaches that all is equal and that the truly civilized are wise enough to love and cherish the differences between the sexes and to understand the duality of the soul.  A truly divine civilization lives in a state of compassion. This is and was the Divine plan.

Heaven Sent

 

 

 

Heaven sent me to love,

Heaven filled me with light,

A light so bright,

Soft and white,

To pull you into my heart.

 

Heaven sent me to you,

To show you the right thing to do,

I am filled with warmth,

To comfort you,

I am here for you.

 

Heaven sent me to guide,

I am the pureness of truth,

I am to show you,

You,

I will bring you joy.

 

Heaven sent me to understand,

To show and bring wisdom in,

Into your heart,

To show you,

The soul you are.

 

Heaven sent me here,

To help and protect,

I  am here to remind you,

You are all,

You are light.

 

Heaven sent I am,

I illuminate,

I shine,

I bring in a higher way,

A pathway to the stars.

 

Heaven sent me to open your heart,

To show you the way through,

I will walk with you,

Through the pain and fear,

To bring you back,

To love.

 

Heaven sent the light,

The light is love,

Through the heart,

We all are saved,

We all have Heaven.

From Beyond

 

You saw me leave my body

But I am not gone

I am here as energy

I am here for eternity

 

I will never leave your side

I will guide you gently on

I was never gone

I am in the great beyond

 

I speak to you in your dreams

I live within a song

I move on the wind

I am and I will live on

 

I will fill your heart with love

I will bring hope

I am your shining star

I will carry you through

 

I whisper to your soul

I come to you unexpectedly

I come to you when your heart calls me

I will always be with you.

Use Me

 

I am nothing without you

I am your instrument

I need you to hold me

Hold me in your hands,

 

I empty myself

I make room for you

I need your divinity

Please use me,

 

I understand that I am your creation

I understand through this wisdom

I know that I live for this

For this time and place

To be in this space of nothingness,

 

Please use me

Play your music through me

Create using me

Bring peace through me

I live for this and nothing less,

 

I am your instrument

I am your paintbrush

I am your canvas

I am your pen and your paper

Please use me,

 

Nothing I want more than this

Is to set my ego aside

To see that I am more than this

To be your tool to create bliss

Please use me,

 

I surrender to this

This is my reason to exist

To be one with you

I must surrender myself

I must use my gifts,

 

I am filled with your light

I will help it shine

I will bring it forth,

By putting me aside

I am yours

When I chose to be the submissive

The Goddess

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

MAD

 

I am mad because I am done with being judged as a woman!

 

I am mad because society has no compassion.

 

I am mad because all the tenderness and the kindness of humanity is locked behind selfishness and greed.

 

I am so sick of men trying to make me into either a virgin or a whore! I am sick of it; what the heck is up with that?

 

Women are either puritan or porn star. You’re the guy’s mother or his tramp!

 

A tramp is a woman that likes and wants sex; his mother is the opposite, you see to all his other needs and then lay down and go through the motions; telling him and yourself your doing it for him so you’re not a tramp.

 

Of course women who are single mothers; looking for a man are just trashy! How dare a single mother like me not make her kids her only priority? God forbid that I should need and want my basic needs for love and partnership met! God forbid that I want someone to share my life with; someone to laugh with, cry with and yes have sex with; I would rather say it as having someone to make love to and be made love to; but NO, that’s just being man crazy and a bad freaken mother!

 

Double fricken standards put on women by society; Sex is dirty or pure; that’s bullshit! It isn’t either! Sex is a way that two people come together to build and maintain intimacy and it is a physical release. Why can’t we all just grow up!?

 

Why do we have to make things evil or good? Why can’t we just see things for the way they are? Gees ya know? It’s just so childish the way we have to label everyone as either good or bad when we ourselves are both! We are all human; we have a basic need for love and to be touched physically.

 

It is the taboo that we put on sex that makes it dirty or pure; it is our childish perspectives; Gawd we need to get a grip!

 

Society needs to grow up! We need to stop telling women to be plastic freaks, with Botox filled faces and fake boobs; starving ourselves to look the way we are told is attractive.

 

Men;  you guys have got to start seeing women as people with souls and hearts that are easily broken; a woman’s heart is as tender as her breast; we are so fragile we need love and tenderness! We need to be held and heard and seen!

 

The human body is a miracle in its self; it is creation’s finest work of art; it is beautiful, sensual and amazing. We treat our bodies like crap! We eat crap! We don’t exercise enough! Or we go to the other polar opposite and we starve and over work ourselves for fashion and not for HEALTH!

 

We are out of balance.. Everything is black or white; good or evil. We don’t have any compassion for the fallen soul… even though we are all fallen and imperfect.

 

I just want to know where is the love?

 

I myself am so sick of being looked at and sized up; I am bad mom cause I am sexy and free spirited..why? How do people jump to that?

 

I am writing my book to show that women can be sexual; be mothers; be grandmothers; be professionals; WE CAN BE WHAT WE WANT! Oh it is said to us; but in our repressed society it is not true; we are not given that room; we are still fighting for our freedom to be people in our own right. If I am a mother it doesn’t mean I turn into a child again because I have children. It is like society is afraid that if a mother is a sensual being she is messing up her kids; but the opposite is true; to be repressed sexually is to teach your children the same damn thing.

 

What is being sexual; IT IS IN YOUR TRUE NATURE…gawd!

 

It doesn’t make you are dirty; God made men and women to fit into each other or if you don’t believe in God then science and nature did that! And so being the civilized humans that we are supposed to be means that we can express our sexuality with dignity.. *sigh*

 

Diginity; meaning that we honor our sexuality; understand it’s importance while not hurting ourselves and others with uncontrolled urges. So that means not to become so entrenched in your sexuality that it becomes an addiction; meaning sex is all you live for and think about constantly; because life should be lived in balance for health; emotional, spiritual, physical and mental health.

 

But to be aware and proud of your sexuality is perfectly healthy!

 

Being ashamed of the human body is ignorant; being ashamed of your own body is insecurity and self-defeating.

 

The way to love your own body is to take care of your body and to do away with media hype and learn to accept and love your imperfections…damn it!

 

I just hope by writing this book that I can show humanity how to live in health and compassion.

 

Women’s sexuality is totally misrepresented in the media; we are still seen as plastic dolls that are bad girls if we like sex and seek sex out; we are tramps and we deserve to be used my men cause we like sex.. It’s crap! Good girls are shown as being there just for a man’s comfort and needs.. Period! It’s crap!

 

Women do like sex with love… we need tenderness; we need not to be held up to an impossible standard by our men.. We need to take the time to look after ourselves and love our bodies; without guilt trips for caring and nurturing ourselves and not just everyone else.

The Goddess

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

The Martyr

 

You will find her busy all day and night; she seems to take on the world single handedly, she chooses suffering as service. She chooses to suffer by neglecting herself, by putting others needs before her own. Her house is never clean enough, her children never quite live up to her high standards and her mate cannot do as good of a job with the chores as she can.

 

She wears her suffering as a badge of high standing; the world owes her for her enduring suffering. She sleeps little; she doesn’t sit to eat, because she is still puttering around the kitchen. But those she serves are never at ease as they are made to feel uncomfortable with her steady glare as they sit down to eat. She is not enjoying her dinner, but you must enjoy yours to please her. But she cannot sit to eat; but you must, as it will make her happy to be unhappy.

 

She takes up every cause; she works at every charity, she works her fingers to the bone, she is out of shape, she says she doesn’t have the time for such things because someone has to do all the work; of course she means her. She tells you that it must be nice to sit and read, she tells you it must be nice to have time to have your nails done. She says she doesn’t have the time to do these indulgent things; the entire world would fall apart without her running things.

In her presents you must do as she thinks is right. Your house must be clean, just the way she cleans hers, you should live your life through your children as she does hers. She puts them first at all times, they are in all the sports and extra activities, even if it means she cannot afford things for herself. The Martyr puts herself last as all good women should. She suffers so much for you; but you don’t seem to care, she thinks, as you do not take care of her the way she takes care of you. She does everything for you; she thinks of you first, she doesn’t sleep at night so that all the coffee beans are ground just right for you. She folds all the laundry just right in the middle of the night; she gets up at 5 am to start making bread from scratch, she cleans the walls, she cans veggies from her garden and just like in the good old days; she hangs the laundry on the line. She does it all just for you. She smothers you with her advice that you are too selfish to take. She would die for you and she tells you so; but she says you don’t care enough about her to do the same.

 

Her husband pushes her away; he is so sick of the nagging, but he is spoilt by her constant care, the Martyr needs a jailor and he has taken up the role in the dysfunction by accepting and the expecting her constant care. She blames him for her over working and he blames her for his emotional misery; the circle is constant as they feed off each other’s codependence.

 

The Martyr lives in every woman to some degree as we have been taught by women throughout the centuries in these behavioral patterns. Good women cook and clean; good women do not complain; good women make the man the head of the household; good women are under him as his servant. A good women exist to make his life more comfortable at their own expense. Good women do not enjoy life; they do not play, they do not nurture themselves they nurture everyone else while becoming depleted, boring and bitter.

 

This woman is a child; she manipulates like a crying infant to get her way. What she wants is to be is the one taken care of by others, she manipulates by using her suffering to inflict guilt and shame on those she loves to bind them to her. If she gave herself love and nurturing instead of giving it all away to others she could find her emotional maturity. If she stopped playing the game of “Poor little me” she could have time to live her life instead of trying to live her life through others. The truth is she is afraid, she is scared of taking responsibility for herself, for her life and to take risks on her own of her own creations and passions. The Martyr hides behind others so that she doesn’t have to blaze her own trail; so that she doesn’t have to risk, fail and succeed on her own. The Martyr is afraid to live.

 

All women are socially conditioned to be her; we have been conditioned by princess fairytales through Hollywood; to live our lives through our men and children. It is time woman took control and responsibility of our own risk to succeed, fail and succeed.

Beautiful Menstrual Blood

 

There is power in the blood..but it isn’t in the blood of Jesus..it was in the blood of Mary, of Isis and of Inanna.. she didn’t come from his rib..he has always come from her womb..and he also had a womb within her womb.. from 0 to 8 weeks of gestation inside the womb.. he was a she..and so it is The Goddess lives within the man..and so it is that he is always trying to find away to get back home to her..but he has lost his way in attempting to claim the power of the womb for himself.. ( The Patriarchy ) are the men whom have gone astray from The Great Mother by trying to claim her blood or womb for themselves..for their own power plays.. or ego fears that if women come into the power of their wombs ..the power of life..the cradle of life that exists within them..that they would do as the egocentric Patriarchy do..and that is to use the sacred blood to control all humanity for the sake of power and greed..and so they shamed the blood of The Great Mother..and made her sex evil; she was made to cover her nursing breasts.. and not allowed to enter the male based religious temples while she bleed..as she was labeled unclean and dirty.. and so it is to this very day women are shamed into covering up..to cleaning up.. the organic nature of their nurturing, dripping fertility ..their gold.. their treasure.. buried in shame..and that is why I am writing this post as I bleed..

Today I loved myself..as I felt my body get ready to shed my red velvet lining.. like the lining of a treasure chest.. I felt very emotional.. listening to classical music; I felt my bottom lip quiver ..as the music fit so tenderly with my tender heart and womb.. I was wakened in the middle of the night with cramps..and crazy dreams.. and I knew.. it was time to be tender with myself..

Every time I bleed I think of my past pregnancies..and I think about how my children grew inside of me using my blood for a bed.. using my body for comfort and food..and because my breast are tender like they were during pregnancy, I think about how much I loved nurturing each one of my children with my breast milk.. I think about how my body and every women’s body is a wonderland.. is magic.. how sensual we are.. just like the Earth herself..how she holds our lives by the dirt under our feet..that what we think of as dirty like menstrual blood..is organic and fertile.. and I feel intense emotion and love for The Great Mother..and I feel one with her.. and I feel that I am lying at her breasts.. nestled in her great cradle of life..and I think women’s blood is gold… golden and rich with possibilities ..

But then I remember all the shame I encountered as a young woman..only being 10 when I first bleed.. the shame put onto me by society.. not to smell like blood, not to leak blood.. not show the lump in my paints that my pad made.. how horrible gym was.. how awful the boys were.. how intolerant and even cruel male teachers could be.. I remember feeling that way into my 20s.. how sad a society that we treat girls and woman like dirty little things.. for having wombs and breasts..for having the power within them to create life..to chose to nurture life or not to ..

Now I am 45..and I have bled for 35 years..and now that I know my blood is sacred.. now that I know my blood is magic..soon I will enter a new phase..the dark moon phase of The Goddess.. when my womb will no longer bleed.. but now my womb has taught me wisdom..and that is The Dark Moon Phase.. I am wise.. wise to the ways of the womb and the blood.. and it is my place to teach the Maidens.. those entering into the New Moon Phase.. to teach them to honor their blood.. to see their blood as sacred .. of ancient red gold.. to teach new mothers in the Full Moon Phase of The Goddess.. to nurse uncovered.. to nurse without shame.. to wear the pregnant bellies without shame.. to love their round Full Moon..and flowing Milky Way breasts..as the Milky Way is the Milk of Isis..

And It is my duty to teach men who are conscious and ready… ready to be initiated into the ways of The Great Mother..ready to come home to the womb.. it is my duty as a Goddess.. to show them the way back to their MOTHER .. away from controlling and shaming women.. to honoring, loving and supporting The Goddesses in their lives.. this is the way to his Godhead..to his Inner God.. to see the sacredness in the womb.. the womb that birthed him..the womb he longs for.. the womb that was once his very own..while he lived within the womb.. and this is the infinite wisdom of the ancients.. let it be birthed again through the blood… for we will be saved by the blood of The Goddess… by her compassion.

The Goddess

 

The Photo Shoots

(From the book ~The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

 

First off I am not a model; but that is the point. Through the sensual photography I am trying to show a softer side of sexuality; really if I had my way, I would do away with pornography for obvious reasons. I don’t see anything wrong with erotica because it usually benefits both the sexe’s sexual appetites; but porn shows women being degraded. To me erotica shows sex and romance; love and lust, something both sexes aspire to in the pursuit of love and lovemaking.

Anyway I am not what would be considered model material at all; I am 5ft tall, 120 pounds and I am 42. My body has conceived 7 times but I have given birth to three children; but this is the reality of being a woman; our age; weight, height don’t make us any less sexy; that is media hype to sell us youth and wieghtloss products that don’t work. Only healthy diet and exercise work. I am very healthy and fit; not skinny or fat, I have curves and real breast, and even my nails are real. The point in using me as the model is to bring back real beauty and health for women and no one else would do it!

 

I met Claire and Joan of Miss Sassy Pants Boudoir Photography in the summer of 2011; my ex had left me for another woman; I believe in my heart that the affair started while I was pregnant with our son. I needed a self-esteem boost; I had lost 40 pounds of baby weight, I was single again and I wanted to do something out of the ordinary. The photographs turned out beautifully. I used them on my blog to post (The Divine Feminine 1 through 6). I use them on my facebook as well.

 

I had the greatest Idea ever! I decided to write a book about the Goddess and as a very visual and artistic person, I knew in my heart that having Claire and Joan do the photography would make the book like sensual eye candy. It was hard to use myself; I know that there are some people that know me (especially family) who will think that I am conceited, crazy and glorifying myself through the book.  Yes I had to use myself; I couldn’t afford to pay someone else and I couldn’t find no one who had the courage to do it. The message of the book is so important to me; that I decided to take the leap of faith and risk it all myself and I am risking it all. Everyone will know me as the woman who posed in this book, not just the author of the book but the model; everyone who looks at and reads this book will know my body in a lot of detail. This does take away from my privacy; I chose not to have any shots with frontal nudity below the waist as that is very private to me, I am saving that part of me for me and for the man I will love and who will love me.

 

As a mother; it made it harder to come to the decision to do it; but as a mother I had to do it. I want to show my young daughters and my son how wonderful women really are, how real and beautiful, how sensual and strong real women are. I want to bring back romance and love; true equal partnerships between men and women for all of us and our future generations. It will be very interesting for me when the book is published and my nudity is made public. I can only hope that most people will have the maturity to see the beauty and the art for what it is; I can only hope that I will not be judged as a bad mother and a tramp. I can only hope to spread hope; and a new kind of liberation for men and women. I can only hope to build upon the equality of the sexes through this work.

 

The funny thing is that Hugh Hefner and I have the same birthday; April 9th. Both of us working with sex; but I am different as I do not want or wish to use sexuality to build an empire on; I wish to set us free from the bondage of the extremes. I wish to show true sexual freedom; that is not to hurt the other sex or the self in sexual expression; I want to help build upon the sensual, erotic art form of making love, not just having sex.

 

The first photo shoot was outside at Bertram Park in Kelowna B.C; I wanted to get Okanagan Lake in the photos, I love where I live and being Canadian. I do want to travel and see where all the Goddesses originated from though.

 

It is a public park; it was secluded enough in March, that we could take the nude photos; but of course really cold, it was below 10 degrees when we took the shots. In the shots of me as Athena; you can see Kelowna’s floating bridge in the background; I just love it!

We worked fast; it was very cold, for 2 hours I was near naked most of the time, but we were so into our creative adventure I hardly noticed the cold, I just wanted the shots! The rocks on the beach were the worst though; they were so COLD and Sharp. Claire and Joan were amazed at my tenacity; when I set my mind to my work, it will happen.

 

Standing on the cliff as Athena was hard; I kept getting dizzy because I was looking up at the sky, it was giving me intense vertigo, and cars along the road could see me, they were slowing down to look, I kept having to cover my naked breast with my shield. It was kind of funny.

 

Lying on the ground as Mother Nature felt great; that spot on the ground was really quite warm and I love the smell of the earth warming up; that was my most relaxed shot; they were quite quick.

 

Artemis was my favorite; I loved the bow and arrow; I loved the costume and I loved who she was. With every Goddess I had to get into character; Claire helped me with Artemis she asked me to hunt and to stalk my prey, it really helped. I just love what she stands for; later after the shoot I had a dream of her, not of me as her but actually of her. In my dream she had light red hair and grey/green huge eyes. She had an infant strapped to one side of her back and her arrows on the other side; she was rapid firing her arrows at her pray. It meant that she would be successful as she left no room for failure. She made sure all of her arrows flew straight and true. This is the Goddess of the brave; the mother bear protecting her young. I just loved stepping into her character; I can only hope to emulate her through my life.

 

When we walked out of the park; we passed the park keeper, he was cutting and chipping trees that had fallen in a storm. He was close to my age; it’s funny he must of seen something cause he just kept looking at us like he couldn’t believe it! So funny!

 

The next photo shoots were Isis and the High Priestess; we did the Priestess first. These shoots were harder for me as the costumes and makeup were more elaborate; wearing wigs drives me nuts! But to make the Goddesses look different and authentic it had to be done. I don’t mind dressing up once in a while; but the more natural Goddesses were more my style.  It’s comical that when I was doing the dancing shots my wig flew clean off my head! Claire reached her limit when the Runes fell between my butt cheeks; she drew the line at fishing them out!  But The Priestess is one sexy Goddess; she was very cat like, very sleek and sexy.

 

I read the Runes later on after looking at the shot; this is what they meant:  the first is the Rune of PROTECTION – I give myself protection through the awareness of my emotions; by having self control over my emotions and living in the moment. This is how to handle change and transition.

PAIN – some pain is necessary as the darkness teaches us about the light and the power of the self. We are initiated through pain to spiritual awareness. Keep faith and good temper to move through the pain of darkness into the light.

BREAK AWAY – break away from constricting beliefs. Experience the world of the archetypal mind.

PARTNERSHIP – Partnership with the Divine and personal relationships; gift of freedom from which flow other gifts.

I took this interpatation from “The Book of Runes” from Ralph H. Blum.

It has come true so far; the pain has manifested as people in my neighborhood that judge me for my blog and my work; the breakaway has shown up as me moving away, so that I have privacy from the judgment of people like this, once the book comes out it will get even worse because of my nudity. If they judge me now, well, I am sure it will get much worse.

 

I have yet to experience the last Rune of Partnership; I hope it is with the Divine and a relationship with someone special, kind and loving. That is long overdue!

 

While I was trying to stay in the character of Isis; Claire was joking around about my tits; it was so funny because Claire has and English accent, it was the way she said it I kept bursting out in laughter. You can see me smiling a tiny bit in the shot of me with the wings up in the air. That was because of Claire! Another thing that was really neat was that Joan and Claire decided on their own to put the blue misty effect in the Isis photos; they down loaded them to me at home that way; the interesting thing is that Claire and Joan had no idea that in mythology Isis is a star in the heavens. Claire and Joan added the effect by just following their creative instincts. I think that deep down in each woman’s soul, she understands the magic of the Goddess.

Trying not to laugh when Claire was telling me ” Your tits look great ” in her English accent

 

Isis was so regal; I did love stepping into the character of Isis; she is a Queen, she so royal. I can’t quite describe her. Isis is more of a Queen and more royalty then any earthly Queen could be. Isis is the star. I can’t believe how I would dream of every Goddess; they came to me in dreams in their true glory, mystery and magic. My dreams cannot be described in words; but I truly felt led in a spiritual sense. I felt the deep purity of the Divine Feminine; it truly has been a gift.

The white Goddess was the hardest; I really felt like a real bride does on her wedding day; I wanted everything to be just perfect. Not only did the flowers come on time but the Owner of Kelowna Rose and Garden, came early! The flowers were beautiful and to thank Joan and Claire I sent them home with a dozen roses each as we had three dozen and the little wedding bouquet. I didn’t feel pretty that day; I just didn’t so I had to get my head around it and get into the character of The White Goddess. The shots of the side of my body with the jewels were very hard for Joan and I; she had to get up on a step ladder and take the shot without looking into the camera; so we had to take many shots with me on my knees. It was tough and it hurt! The candle shot was hard too; we couldn’t get the light right. I forgot the matches and Claire searched the building for someone who would have a lighter, thank goodness she found one. The candle shot was the most important to me as it shows The Compassionate Heart. In mythology and in many ancient writings the bride is ready for the groom when she lights her lamp or candle. It shows purity of the heart. It was a painful shot as the hot wax dripped on my fingers over and over again until we got it right; but the bleeding heart, is a feeling heart, so that symbolism was worth the pain.

 

So by this time, it was really starting to feel like work; as a mother of three it took a lot of juggling and planning to get the costuming and the babysitting just right. I couldn’t of done the costuming without Calowna Costumes in Kelowna B.C.; this store I made up 90% of the costumes. They were great; I had to bring my kids with me to pick out and shop for the costumes; they were wonderful when it came to putting up with my 5 year old son running around the store like 5 year old boys do. They gave the kids free goody bags full of cool stuff one day.

 

The photo shoots have brought me memories that I will treasure for a lifetime; it was an adventure!

The Goddess

 

 

Introduction

( From the book ~ The Goddess and Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) available on Amazon.ca

The Artist

 

You can usually pick us out in a crowd; most of us have a style of our own, we have a vacant look sometimes as we are contemplating upon our next creation.

 

The musician moves to his/her own beat. They wake up in the morning with a melody in their head as they dream up new lyrics. To an artist; the place of dreams, the deep subconscious, is a place that holds the treasure of our creations. Many of us use our dreams as spring-boards for our creations. The musician, singer or lyricist can’t help but to feel and hear music in everything. The beat and the tempo are in the way they walk, talk and communicate. They just can’t help themselves; the vibrations of the universe move through them like their very pulse.

 

The actor/actress seems detached in many ways; as they are watching you and other people to create their next character, they study voice, body language and emotions. Most who are into acting study human nature as second thought. Actors stand out; they love drama; they love laughter and sorrow. They may seem odd to most people but we can’t help but be drawn to the flame of passion that burst forth from their dramatic flair.

 

The photographer, painter and sculptor, see through the matrix of creation; we see the core, we see the essence and we wish to capture it in color, light and form. We are also somewhat detached as we need to see; to really see, to understand creation past the self. We love passion; all artist love passion.

 

The dancer is sensual; the body an instrument for their passion; they love the music, the burn of muscle as they push their bodies past what would be considered normal; for the sake of it. To become the music, to fly with the music..for the passion!

 

We create drama; and live our dreams for the passion. It takes great courage to be an artist of any type; as society and family members will say that an artist in the family is hopeless dreamer. They may say you are wasting your time on something that will not make you money.

 

Many artists are called crazy and deluded by others that have chosen normal jobs that give them a guaranteed pay check. Artists have to be fighters; they have to live for their passion. Most of us have to work at other jobs to support our craft. Society needs artist to create beauty and drama; without us to entertain and enlighten the world it would become a very dull and ugly place.

 

Yes we are different; dramatic, passionate, and odd. We express ourselves through everything we do as it is in our nature to do so; but without us life would lose meaning, culture would disappear and society would become gray and flat.

 

Artist need support; through family, friends and society. Without us you wouldn’t have movies; theaters, galleries, photographs of history or beauty, we keep record of the civilized world. Artist bring about civilization through creation for the sake of passion.

 

Instead of thinking “ Who the hell does he/she think she is up there on that stage, or wanting me to read their writing or look at their art ?” try to see that someone has to dare to have the courage to stand out, to bring beauty into the world and be different. They were born to stand out.

POWER of the GODDESS

My heart was like an over ripe cherry, that has been rained on in July.. bursting open.. dripping sweet dark juice.. a love for him that I cannot deny..even though I try.  And so I drove into the woods to be with Mother Nature… to rest my heart in the hands of the Goddess.. to give her the love that he wouldn’t accept or acknowledge ..

As I walked upon her; I removed my shoes..to become one with her on the sacred ground..the sacred place I go to feel her the most.. and I said to her ” Great Mother.. I need you.. I need to know you intimately .. I need to lay my heart here so that you may heal it with your love.. my heart is an over flowing cup.. and it bleeds.. I make a mess of everything.. I shouldn’t of told him how I felt.. I shouldn’t of done the things I did in the pain of rejection.. in the pain of his words.. I shouldn’t of said the things I said.. were are you Mother?.. Goddess.. love and creation.. please take my heart and stop the bleeding.” and then I felt her.. I felt her so strongly.. I hadn’t felt her like that since I was a child..when I would wander for ages.. avoiding my abusive father..and she would hold me.. she would touch me with her winds and warm me with her sun..and sing me sweet bird song.. and she would remind me that I was her child..and that I was a Goddess.. and then as I felt her and I remembered .. these memories from so long ago.. I felt her speak to my heart and she said ” I am here under your feet.. I am the ground you walk on and I am the air that you breath.. I am the food that nurtures you.. I am in your mother and the mother of your children.. I am your mother’s mother..and her mother too..and my dear I am inside of you.”

I and I cried..and I was humbled..and I was held in her mercy.. in the mercy that no one has shown me .. and then she reminded me of my own sacredness.. she has no shame in her sexuality.. she has no shame in giving birth to new life..in openin up the doorways to death..and her womb to conception.. she makes love to all things.. to all things she loves.. she loves them with gentleness and with tough love..for she is fierce like me.. she sweet like me.. she gets angry like me..and she gets hurt just like me..and she gives to much to those who don’t deserve it .. just like me.. and she gets used just like me..and she gets abused just like me..but she isn’t a victim.. and I am not a victim of them.. I am a survivor.. just like her.. she storms and she rages..and then she forgives and she blooms.. she loves again even after all the abuses.. even after all hope seems lost.. yet she gives hope to the hopeless.. and shelter to the homeless.. for she is home..she is the heart of humanity..and she is me..and she told me ” Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are and what you survived.. don’t ever be ashamed of showing anyone your heart.. don’t be ashamed of asking for help, for love and for friendship..because you deserve all those things.”

And then I walked with her.. upon her..and she showed me beauty even in death.. she showed me how the deer carcass made the flowers grow… how the sweet stench of death.. is the metaphor for the sweetness of the sleep of death before rebirth..she showed me bone washed clean in the water and the sun..she showed me wild fruit..and and she called the hawk to me to show me how to soar above the pain of other’s words and judgments .. to see that it is their fear..it was his fear.. it was not mine to fear or to blame myself for what he couldn’t see in me.. that unlike the hawk that can see for miles and miles..he saw what his fear showed him..and it’s not my fault.. but my fear reacted to his fear..and so I must forgive myself.. I must forgive him for his own humanity..and she walked with me.. and she held my heart.. and she said to me ” Your heart is full of sweetness.. like the cherry it just wants to nurture someone with it’s abundance..and that is what an open heart exists to do.. someone will come along that sees all of the good and the bad in you..and they will love you anyway..just like you are able to do with others.”

I am a Goddess.. I am like her.. I want to be untamed..and wild.. I want to dance naked in the moon light..and swim naked in the dark.. My house is full of sacred things..bones, stones, feathers.. special things that keep me close to The Mother.. My name means Love, Flower and Farmer.. and it wasn’t given to me by accident..it was given to me by her energy..because it describes my soul.. I want to grow wild things..and I want to lay in wild flowers..and I want to love with abandon.. I don’t want to calculate love.. I don’t want to over think love.. I just want to be love.. to give love..and to be loved..

Like her my body is wonderland.. my body is abundant and decadent .. it is food..it is nurturing.. it is marked by birth and babies.. it is like fruit..sweet, tangy..and I love the scent of myself.. I smell wild.. I am crazy.. I am a gypsy .. I think with my soul.. I am intuition.. I feel so much.. I am so sensitive..my feelings and my body to the touch..

Like her.. my roots go deep..my sensuality is all of me..there isn’t any separation from my sexuality and my mentality..for I am present..as she is present.. in my heart, my soul, my mind, and my flesh..because the forbidden fruit is the one that feeds the soul..

And one day when my bones are made pure by the surf and the sun..I will be reborn through her sweet softness.. I will be in the womb..the womb within the womb..a sweet and sensual dance as ancient as the stars..

This stone represents the sacral chakra.. pleasure

And so my heart..it still runs with sweetness to overflowing .. like a July cherry burst open by tears that fall like summer rain.. but I wouldn’t want it any other way..tis the heart of a gypsy…crazy and untamed.

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