Posts Tagged ‘women’s body issues’

Self Objectification is Almost Impossible

 

Every time I post a comment on a new’s feed on Facebook people will say to me ” Your profile picture is a contradiction. It’s silly and ironic that you say you are a feminist while you self objectify with your online image.” My online image has been a problem for me, you see others in the professional world judge me as self objectifying and so they believe this gives them an excuse to treat me with no respect or even to dehumanize me. Because of other’s judging me through a lens of ignorance I am treated by them with total disrespect, as they assume I don’t respect myself because I glorify my body and sexuality.

To get to the point. When a woman acknowledges her femininity and sexuality she isn’t objectifying herself she is whole, she understands that she is her body and her sexuality and is loving her femininity or womanhood. A woman who hates her body and runs away or denies her femininity and sees her sexuality as bad, evil, sinful or slutty is in fact practicing internalized misogyny, she thinks that stepping into her sexuality of femininity will make her less of a person or even dehumanize her to herself and to others. A woman that is internalizing misogyny is often the one calling other women who are comfortable in their bodies, sexuality and sexual expression .. sluts and whores..because she fears being called this herself by others.

Women who have internalized misogyny will often call themselves feminist, and these feminist often man up or make themselves unfeminine, these feminist often tell women who glorify and honor their femininity and sexuality that they are self objectifying and don’t deserve respect or to be taken seriously. Often these women will rage and rant online and off line about women who are whole and healthy in their sexuality because they are afraid to step into their own bodies and own themselves as whole beings.

The patriarchy; a male base social power system that runs society objectifies women by putting women into their lens of approval. Media and the entertainment industry use women to make money while paying them a fraction of what they make off of women’s sexuality. Religion and State mandate women’s wombs and bodies, and that says that women are objects. Women are either virgins or whores through the lens of patriarchy.. we are not whole human beings and our bodies are not our own to regulate as far as they are concerned. And so it is through the lens of other’s judgments that we are objectified… being sexy and sensual as a woman is not self objectification, rather it is being whole and healthy, natural and comfortable in your own skin.

The sad part about female internalized misogyny is that women have been brainwashed into hating their own bodies and sexuality as well as hating on other women. Through internalized misogyny we see other women blaming other women for being raped by judging them as asking for it by the way they present themselves as objects of desire, this is rape culture thinking.

To get down to the point of this post.. a beautiful and sexy woman isn’t self objectifying but rather you are projecting your internalized misogyny onto her ( if you are a woman ) or projecting your misogyny onto her ( if you are a man ) 

Misogynist believe that woman are here for men, that we exist for the male gaze and for male approval and that women don’t have a voice, a personality or a thought unless it has been given and validated by a man.

The patriarchy hates the feminine because it fears loosing power and control should the feminine rise to an equal balance with the masculine..and that is why the feminine and the feminine sex is repressed by hate speech, violence and rape..

But the world needs the feminine to rise so that all of humanity can become healthy, healed and whole.. so next time you see a woman expressing her femininity respect her because she is actually saving humanity from the brutality of the patriarchy, and in a spiritual understanding she is a Goddess, she is honoring The Divine Feminine.

When She Own’s It

 

How many times do I have to write about this topic before it will sink into the collective consciousness of humanity? Women’s bodies and wombs are regulated by government, a government that is male based or strongly influenced by mainly men.. we call that The Patriarchy. The Patriarchy isn’t just in religion as religion is steeped into government mandates or rules and regulations.. hence abortion always being on the table or the mandating of the womb. The control of the hand that rocks the cradle..for as the old saying goes..an old saying put froth by the Patriarchy centuries ago

” The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” and so it is that men { generalizing here} do everything to control the hand that rocks the cradle. Funny that the word ( Man ) is in ( mandate ) meaning to give over one’s authority to another. And so it is that a woman’s sexuality is only permissible if it passes through the gates of a male lens or certain standard. If a woman own’s it; if she is free with her own sexuality she is labeled as obscene and indecent. Such as the issue of women breastfeeding in public or going topless on public beaches. I suppose we need to mandate this in order to make men feel that they will not loose their sense of freedom by allowing women to have theirs.. did you notice the word ( allow ) and isn’t that just the core of the issue? How do men retain this control of women? It is simply through abuse. It is physical, financial, mental and emotional abuse.. many of these abuses we see present in the average daily relationships between men and women..but wait.. is it all his fault?

No it’s not entirely all his fault as much as it is the faulty way that society has taught all of us to view women’s sexuality through this tainted and unhealthy lens.. because these abusive patterns are rigid belief systems.. such as RELIGION .. stagnate us as the entire human race towards moving forwards to enlightenment or becoming conscious of our unhealthy and hurtful nature towards what is simply natural. A woman’s body will not make a man do evil things, or render him helpless to her sexual power.. that only happens if he tells himself that it will happen.. therefor using it as an excuse to loose power over his own common sense and better judgement not to be responsible for his own behaviors.

Quite simply the abortion and birth control debates are based on fear level thinking..not on fact or science. Seeing the human body as evil and or sinful for it’s nudity rather than seeing it as the natural beauty of art and science is also ignorant fear based thinking.. by those brainwashed by old and outdated social norms that create anything but normalcy. Shaming, blaming, controlling women and girls with the fears of violence, rape ( rape is sexual violence ) and it isn’t her rape to own.. it is his sickness to own .. financial manipulation by controlling a woman’s money .. ( society propels this by not paying women equal to men or making child care affordable.. or abortions legal..or birth control easy to access.. and then of course their is the emotional abuse )

” You crazy slut. Put some clothes on you nasty bitch. Wanna fuck whore.. you must wanna fuck because you look like you are dressed to fuck.” need I say more??? Seems I always have to say more.. falls on def ears.. ignorant ears that see my work about women’s sexuality as {Putting it out there}.. because * SHE SHOULD HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR HERSELF* I want to know how people equate a woman using her body as art in photography as me or other women not having respect for themselves? I don’t understand why you can’t be intelligent enough to catch yourself in your own knuckle dragging ignorance to not be able to see that I am doing this to prove a point here..and that is to expose ignorance and enlighten and educate the ignorant by living the message of women’s sexual freedom by being free.. so if you have half a brain you should be able to put 2 and 2 together by what I wrote above as to why I wrote my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) and as to why I use my own image and story in the book.. let me go over it once again for you ” I am owning it” do you get it now?

And of course because of doing my best to expose ignorance..to turn the light on in the dark ages, to bring about the golden light of intellectualism .. the ignorant zombies came at me x3 fold.. funny how that works.. ” Don’t make us think and evolve it’s painful.. we like our stupid stupor .” And so I have met with sexism and hatred ..with name calling.. being blacklisted and black balled ..even by those who profess spiritual enlightenment, to promote equality, women’s rights and even intellectualism.. but dysfunction dies hard..and to deviate from the norm brings social ostracization .. even if the normal in society is sick with abusive behaviors.. even if society is killing it’s self by not living to it’s full potential by keeping half the gender down and enslaved by sexual shaming and perversions..

As we know women’s sexuality can be sold by men or the Patriarchy within what they deem as worthy of sale..and so with that women are enslaved by chains around the ovaries .. by their body image being sold back to them as an impossible ideal to obtain.. we are either Madonna or Whore..Good Girl or Bad Girl.. seen through the lens of the Patriarchy a woman’s psyche is torn in 2 ..as she is no longer the Earth Mother… the natural nurturer.. she not allowed to move in her full essence and so she is drained of her full power by men who are not true men ..as mature men welcome and relish in the full essence of woman’s juicy ” Owning it.” And  also she is drained by other women shaming her due to socialized patterns of behavior ingrained into them by a sick society, they rob themselves of the Goddess within them..by denying the Goddess in other women.

And so ” When She Own’s it” when she steps into her skin unapologetic.. when she redefines the word ” Bitch” as ” Queen” and that is “”Queen Bitch to you!”" she steps into her Goddess.. and that is what frail men..insecure men are terrified of because once she own’s it, he has to grow up and own his own shit.

So if the pictures that I am using in this post offend you.. it’s therapy .. the question to be asking yourself is ” WHY?” what are your issues?

A conversation with my daughter about beauty

 

Just when I thought I was setting a good example for my children with my bodybuilding training the tables turned on me.

My 15 y/o daughter informed me while I was cooking dinner tonight that she wanted to go on a strict diet. She isn’t overweight at all; she is healthy, rosy cheeked and very opinionated. She told me that there were parts of her body that she didn’t like ..she said ” I want my tummy to be concave mom. I want my skin to be perfectly clear so that means no fat or sugar in my diet.” I told her that restricting her diet would lead to a lifetime of an unhealthy relationship with food.. that it would be best to just moderate fat and sugar and workout some more..but she had been watching YouTube ..she wanted instant results.. I felt myself becoming very sad and emotional at the fact that she had said there were parts of herself that she didn’t like..but I felt she needed some space to eat her dinner and then be alone in her room for a while..and I needed to get my emotions under control.. it was then that I approached her alone in her room..

I sat on the end of her bed and said to her ” I want you to know that you are an amazing young woman. I brag about you all the time to the ladies at the gym. I brag about how driven you are. I brag about your 4.0 and your honors courses.. I brag about how healthy and rebellious you are in the right ways. You are a strong minded, head strong girl with leadership qualities..it takes a very strong girl to put up with a very strong mother and forge her own way and identity. I want you to love yourself flaws and all.. I am so proud of you as a person and I am so blessed to have you as my first born daughter.” we both started to tear up..and she said ” Mom you don’t have to say this.” and I said ” I really want you to hear me and to take this into your heart.. outward beauty is nothing without inward beauty..outward beauty fades but a strong mind and spirit only get stronger.. you may not see yourself as Hollywood beautiful but you are the whole package of beauty.. the world needs more girls and women like you in the world.” and then I kissed her as she sorta, kinda pretended to push me away.

I then I told her from the end of her bed ” I am doing the bodybuilding to get my mind off of not being able to get through people’s ignorant thick heads about the sexual repression and inequalities towards women.. it’s so they don’t drive me crazy. I see it as a sport and a spiritual practice on sobriety.. not a beauty contest; although if I do compete; it is a beauty contest to many of the other’s competing..and to them it maybe only superficial. To me it is to make me more mentally sharp..spiritually balanced and centered.. I don’t want you to think that I see outer beauty as a means of myself worth and I don’t want you to see me as setting an example of that for you.” and then I took a breath between tears of love and adoration for my daughter.. ” The most beautiful people truly love themselves and that is how they can love others..that is the most important thing you need to do in your life..and a well cultivated brain is ultra beautiful.. there are so many outwardly beautiful people that do nothing for humanity but stand as ornaments ..the most important thing you can do with your life is to do something with your life that will help humanity evolve.. it will be a girl like you that will change the world.”

And with that I gave my daughter another hug and went into my own room to wipe away my proud mommy tears.

The Goddess

( From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ ) Available on Amazon.ca

MAD

 

I am mad because I am done with being judged as a woman!

 

I am mad because society has no compassion.

 

I am mad because all the tenderness and the kindness of humanity is locked behind selfishness and greed.

 

I am so sick of men trying to make me into either a virgin or a whore! I am sick of it; what the heck is up with that?

 

Women are either puritan or porn star. You’re the guy’s mother or his tramp!

 

A tramp is a woman that likes and wants sex; his mother is the opposite, you see to all his other needs and then lay down and go through the motions; telling him and yourself your doing it for him so you’re not a tramp.

 

Of course women who are single mothers; looking for a man are just trashy! How dare a single mother like me not make her kids her only priority? God forbid that I should need and want my basic needs for love and partnership met! God forbid that I want someone to share my life with; someone to laugh with, cry with and yes have sex with; I would rather say it as having someone to make love to and be made love to; but NO, that’s just being man crazy and a bad freaken mother!

 

Double fricken standards put on women by society; Sex is dirty or pure; that’s bullshit! It isn’t either! Sex is a way that two people come together to build and maintain intimacy and it is a physical release. Why can’t we all just grow up!?

 

Why do we have to make things evil or good? Why can’t we just see things for the way they are? Gees ya know? It’s just so childish the way we have to label everyone as either good or bad when we ourselves are both! We are all human; we have a basic need for love and to be touched physically.

 

It is the taboo that we put on sex that makes it dirty or pure; it is our childish perspectives; Gawd we need to get a grip!

 

Society needs to grow up! We need to stop telling women to be plastic freaks, with Botox filled faces and fake boobs; starving ourselves to look the way we are told is attractive.

 

Men;  you guys have got to start seeing women as people with souls and hearts that are easily broken; a woman’s heart is as tender as her breast; we are so fragile we need love and tenderness! We need to be held and heard and seen!

 

The human body is a miracle in its self; it is creation’s finest work of art; it is beautiful, sensual and amazing. We treat our bodies like crap! We eat crap! We don’t exercise enough! Or we go to the other polar opposite and we starve and over work ourselves for fashion and not for HEALTH!

 

We are out of balance.. Everything is black or white; good or evil. We don’t have any compassion for the fallen soul… even though we are all fallen and imperfect.

 

I just want to know where is the love?

 

I myself am so sick of being looked at and sized up; I am bad mom cause I am sexy and free spirited..why? How do people jump to that?

 

I am writing my book to show that women can be sexual; be mothers; be grandmothers; be professionals; WE CAN BE WHAT WE WANT! Oh it is said to us; but in our repressed society it is not true; we are not given that room; we are still fighting for our freedom to be people in our own right. If I am a mother it doesn’t mean I turn into a child again because I have children. It is like society is afraid that if a mother is a sensual being she is messing up her kids; but the opposite is true; to be repressed sexually is to teach your children the same damn thing.

 

What is being sexual; IT IS IN YOUR TRUE NATURE…gawd!

 

It doesn’t make you are dirty; God made men and women to fit into each other or if you don’t believe in God then science and nature did that! And so being the civilized humans that we are supposed to be means that we can express our sexuality with dignity.. *sigh*

 

Diginity; meaning that we honor our sexuality; understand it’s importance while not hurting ourselves and others with uncontrolled urges. So that means not to become so entrenched in your sexuality that it becomes an addiction; meaning sex is all you live for and think about constantly; because life should be lived in balance for health; emotional, spiritual, physical and mental health.

 

But to be aware and proud of your sexuality is perfectly healthy!

 

Being ashamed of the human body is ignorant; being ashamed of your own body is insecurity and self-defeating.

 

The way to love your own body is to take care of your body and to do away with media hype and learn to accept and love your imperfections…damn it!

 

I just hope by writing this book that I can show humanity how to live in health and compassion.

 

Women’s sexuality is totally misrepresented in the media; we are still seen as plastic dolls that are bad girls if we like sex and seek sex out; we are tramps and we deserve to be used my men cause we like sex.. It’s crap! Good girls are shown as being there just for a man’s comfort and needs.. Period! It’s crap!

 

Women do like sex with love… we need tenderness; we need not to be held up to an impossible standard by our men.. We need to take the time to look after ourselves and love our bodies; without guilt trips for caring and nurturing ourselves and not just everyone else.

Beautiful Menstrual Blood

 

There is power in the blood..but it isn’t in the blood of Jesus..it was in the blood of Mary, of Isis and of Inanna.. she didn’t come from his rib..he has always come from her womb..and he also had a womb within her womb.. from 0 to 8 weeks of gestation inside the womb.. he was a she..and so it is The Goddess lives within the man..and so it is that he is always trying to find away to get back home to her..but he has lost his way in attempting to claim the power of the womb for himself.. ( The Patriarchy ) are the men whom have gone astray from The Great Mother by trying to claim her blood or womb for themselves..for their own power plays.. or ego fears that if women come into the power of their wombs ..the power of life..the cradle of life that exists within them..that they would do as the egocentric Patriarchy do..and that is to use the sacred blood to control all humanity for the sake of power and greed..and so they shamed the blood of The Great Mother..and made her sex evil; she was made to cover her nursing breasts.. and not allowed to enter the male based religious temples while she bleed..as she was labeled unclean and dirty.. and so it is to this very day women are shamed into covering up..to cleaning up.. the organic nature of their nurturing, dripping fertility ..their gold.. their treasure.. buried in shame..and that is why I am writing this post as I bleed..

Today I loved myself..as I felt my body get ready to shed my red velvet lining.. like the lining of a treasure chest.. I felt very emotional.. listening to classical music; I felt my bottom lip quiver ..as the music fit so tenderly with my tender heart and womb.. I was wakened in the middle of the night with cramps..and crazy dreams.. and I knew.. it was time to be tender with myself..

Every time I bleed I think of my past pregnancies..and I think about how my children grew inside of me using my blood for a bed.. using my body for comfort and food..and because my breast are tender like they were during pregnancy, I think about how much I loved nurturing each one of my children with my breast milk.. I think about how my body and every women’s body is a wonderland.. is magic.. how sensual we are.. just like the Earth herself..how she holds our lives by the dirt under our feet..that what we think of as dirty like menstrual blood..is organic and fertile.. and I feel intense emotion and love for The Great Mother..and I feel one with her.. and I feel that I am lying at her breasts.. nestled in her great cradle of life..and I think women’s blood is gold… golden and rich with possibilities ..

But then I remember all the shame I encountered as a young woman..only being 10 when I first bleed.. the shame put onto me by society.. not to smell like blood, not to leak blood.. not show the lump in my paints that my pad made.. how horrible gym was.. how awful the boys were.. how intolerant and even cruel male teachers could be.. I remember feeling that way into my 20s.. how sad a society that we treat girls and woman like dirty little things.. for having wombs and breasts..for having the power within them to create life..to chose to nurture life or not to ..

Now I am 45..and I have bled for 35 years..and now that I know my blood is sacred.. now that I know my blood is magic..soon I will enter a new phase..the dark moon phase of The Goddess.. when my womb will no longer bleed.. but now my womb has taught me wisdom..and that is The Dark Moon Phase.. I am wise.. wise to the ways of the womb and the blood.. and it is my place to teach the Maidens.. those entering into the New Moon Phase.. to teach them to honor their blood.. to see their blood as sacred .. of ancient red gold.. to teach new mothers in the Full Moon Phase of The Goddess.. to nurse uncovered.. to nurse without shame.. to wear the pregnant bellies without shame.. to love their round Full Moon..and flowing Milky Way breasts..as the Milky Way is the Milk of Isis..

And It is my duty to teach men who are conscious and ready… ready to be initiated into the ways of The Great Mother..ready to come home to the womb.. it is my duty as a Goddess.. to show them the way back to their MOTHER .. away from controlling and shaming women.. to honoring, loving and supporting The Goddesses in their lives.. this is the way to his Godhead..to his Inner God.. to see the sacredness in the womb.. the womb that birthed him..the womb he longs for.. the womb that was once his very own..while he lived within the womb.. and this is the infinite wisdom of the ancients.. let it be birthed again through the blood… for we will be saved by the blood of The Goddess… by her compassion.

Free The Nipple and Goddess Movement

To the point – Both of these movements are about sexual liberation and gender equality.

            

 

Free the Nipple is an equality movement focused upon the double standards regarding the censorship of female breasts started by activist and filmmaker Lina Esco.[1] The campaign is not a crusade that exclusively advocates for women to bare their chests at any and all given times; rather, it seeks to strip society of its tendencies toward the sexualization of the female upper body, addressing hypocrisies and inconsistencies in American culture and legal systems that enforce its taboos. Ultimately, the campaign resolves to decriminalize female toplessness in the US and empower women across western nations in a greater effort toward global gender equality.

 

Of course not every woman wants to go topless were men can go topless; like the beach.. but not every man wants to take off his shirt either.. and that’s called freedom of choice.

Many old school feminist bash the movement because they have been taken in by sexual shaming and so they unknowingly shame their own sex by believing if a woman is sexy or sexual she cannot be professional, moral, ethical or taken seriously; because she is using her sexuality to get male attention.. they believe feminist need to minimize their sexuality to take on the stereotype of what a feminist looks like.. to be taken seriously..but that is exactly why women’s equality has stalled out. The new feminine/feminist movement promotes that BEING SEXY IS NOT A CRIME. The double standards promote that the world’s morality rests on the control of the womb.. or women’s sex..the over sexualization of women and girls is brought on by repression and objectification..the fine balance of natural sexuality becoming unbalanced by the polar opposites.. natural sexuality is body positive.. not sexual shaming or making women into sex objects to be bought and sold by a male based society.. an example of the double standards are.. men who have many sex partners are studs.. women who do are sluts.. men are encouraged to loose their virginity while women are made to feel dirty, or to have fallen from grace when they become sexually active.

     

 

 

Chris was very professional and easy going; he made me quite comfortable. We wanted to tell a story with these images; a story of natural sexuality, innocence and sensuality. We took these images first thing in the morning of the Summer Solstice.. I felt very much like Mother Nature .. It was a spiritual and artistic experience. Chris and I are both passionate artists.. we really enjoyed every second of the shoot.. even when the parks keepers seemed to be worried about what we were doing; but like true artist we kept shooting anyway. The water was very cold, but there were few people to worry about.. we saw eagles, deer and hawks.. it was a beautiful country morning. The images were shot at Bertram Creek Regional Park Kelowna BC Canada.. of course I was in my legal rights to go topless..but most people in Kelowna are not ready for that..it’s a repressive, conservative community…but that is why we needed to do this.

I am the country girl that decides to challenge social taboos and go for a swim topless.. just like every man has a right to do. The images are meant to show natural sexuality..sensuality and playfulness.

I know I will get a lot of hate from my local community for doing this.. I always do. People are really afraid of change and evolution.. but religion is outgrowing it’s usefulness to society.. traditions are now prejudices that cause inequality..

I hope to enlighten my community..but .. ” The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off ” ~ Gloria Steinem

You can find my book at this link http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx

 

 

I wanted him not Isagenix

 

It’s like a English comedy.. it’s so sad it’s funny. He put up posts on his Facebook about health and fitness.. I didn’t agree with some of the things he posted so I asked him if he would like to meet in person to talk about health and fitness.. little did I know he was sizing me up to become a part of his team..to help him build up his team so he could make money selling a starvation weight loss product. It is much like Herbal life was in the 80s. My dad used to sell that shit. He had his head in the clouds; daydreaming constantly about the millions of dollars he was going to make. My dad yo yo dieted for years on that product.. he spent many hours of his life and energy working his ass off for nothing. Most of the money he made he spent on product. But he would have windfalls now and then..but that was just fuel to keep him going. It was such a waste of time.

But anyway.. I had no idea that was on his mind; I thought when he was critically checking out my body for any imperfections he was judging me because of my book or something? Because I had no idea? He was looking me over to see if I had fat to cut LOL.. it’s hilarious..but so sad. For one thing I am in the best shape of my life.. my body isn’t perfect.. I have had three kids.. I have a c-section scar.. I am not a bodybuilder so I don’t strip all the fat off my body, but I have great muscle tone. I am super fit! But the sad part is.. somewhere in between locking eyes with him and in between our conversation I felt myself very attracted to his soul and personality….he doesn’t look like a guy that goes to the gym.. but that didn’t matter to me.. but the sad thing is..and the funny thing; almost Mr. Bean type comedy .. is that he didn’t see a sexy, healthy woman, who could be a potential mate in front of him.. all he was thinking about was making money!.. It’s just so fucked up! I am not angry when I write this.. I am not mad.. just shocked at what I learned when I went back to his Facebook to find the Isagenix link.. I mean seriously!? I have the worst luck in dating! And it wasn’t a date.. it was a sales pitch! A SALES PITCH! OMG!!

And so I saw the Isagenix link on his Facebook..but I didn’t really research it much until tonight.. just to see if I really missed out on anything big or special..because I met with him again.. not fully realizing that it was all just a sales pitch.. ( I AM SO STUPID ) and I gave him 2 hrs of my time.. and I cut my workout at the gym short to meet up with him on his schedule.. to pour my heart out..open my heart and tell him my sorry about how bullied I have been in my local city promoting my book about women’s sexuality.. I told him in detail ( while trying not to cry ) how I was sexually harassed with my son present by a local business man.. me not knowing that he was just trying to create an emotional connection with me to sell his product to me.. ( I AM SO GULLIBLE )

Then after the meeting I told him by text message that I was attracted to him and that I had romantic feelings for him.. he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship ( no he wasn’t .. he was looking to sell me shit ) So who is the biggest blundering idiot? Him or me? Probably a million guys would think he was an idiot for passing up having a chance with me.. but I bet a million men and women are thinking “Gracie you are so naive!” but I did feel something was up…

But back tracking again.. in our last meeting I read his tarot cards for him ( for free.. I do make a living doing this..so he got my 2 hrs.. cut into my gym time and got a free reading that cost $100 ) but anyway the cards said he had met someone..when I told him he blushed  { so I thought it was me..and that was stupid because a reader cannot read themselves into a reading ..but I thought just maybe it was ) so that’s why I told him I liked him ..but anyway I went back and read my cards afterwards and the reading came up with deception… I confronted him..asking him if he was believing gossip about me from our local community.. he told me I was paranoid and had a victim mind set… { REALLY NOW } I was just wrong.. or maybe half wrong.. cause they probably are gossiping to him..but he was the deceiver; it was him not being upfront and honest with his intentions to begin with..and because of that he triggered my paranoid response..but seriously after all the shit I have been through that I openly and honestly told him about..It’s not paranoid it’s street smarts.. I was right to  be careful..

But the sad part is.. I really miss taking to him. I really liked him..in an honest and open way..I liked him when he was just being himself and not a cheesy sales man..

Not only would I never sell that product; because I don’t believe that starvation diets work. I don’t think they are healthy. I don’t believe in multilevel marketing businesses..only %5 are successful because they were the first %5 to found the top level ( duh ) but even if I wanted to sell the product ( I don’t ) I have the shittiest network in Kelowna.. they have back-balled me for my book..they are totally prejudiced against me..and he knew it! How selfish of him..or just being a blundering idiot..what was he thinking? Was he really that greedy and selfish to use a single mom for just a wrung in his ladder of success.. to play with a woman who is so emotionally raw and vulnerable..so he could manifest his abundance..his convertible?

It’s funny and it’s sad.. just like a comedy of errors..

Guy meets hot bikini clad woman on the beach but can’t see her past his daydream..

But at least my head is out of the clouds now.

Mother’s Day & The Single Mom Struggle

 

I used this image of myself because one of the first things I faced becoming a single mom.. by my exes midlife crisis choices ( that I obviously couldn’t control, nor am I responsible for ) well one of the first things I faced was family members, old friends and even society expecting me, to divorce my own sexuality away from my motherhood.. just like we divorced away the marriage .. [ I like how marriage sounds like mirage ] because it wasn’t real to him. But back to divorcing away my own sexuality. I think it’s because people view sexy mom’s as loose welfare bums; it’s a stigma. Many married women have said to me ” OMG if my ex died, left me or had an affair I wouldn’t ever date again, I wouldn’t ever have sex again. I couldn’t do that to my kids and I just couldn’t imagine dating again or having sex with anyone else.” Mind you I felt that way at first too; the first year I grieved hard, the second year I became curious and by the third year I was really horny. Nature is what nature is; and time may not heal intense heartache but it sure helps. Now when I hear women say that to me I could just scream. They don’t know what they don’t know.. and I find it to be an insensitive selfish statement..almost.. a ” Look at me I am married, I am having sex { it might not be great sex; stats show it’s not..but it’s not the nothing I am getting or the guilt trips I get for wanting it } and I have a man to fix the car, put lotion on my back and go on date nights with.” well fuck you too!

One of the most difficult things about being a sexy single mom.. is being seen as a perceived threat as a potential husband thief. I really hate that! My ex cheated on me, so why would I want to be with a cheater; and it’s not a complement it’s an insult. It’s saying I have no morals or ethics.. then I think ” Why did you marry him then?” and ” Stop putting your fucking marital problems onto me I have enough fucking problems of my own.”

I also think that I scare married women because they fear they could just as easily be me.. and they could. It’s a more intense struggle for me vs some single moms that have their parents and other family members to help them. I don’t have that luxury; I have to save every penny; I have to keep a little extra for emergencies. When my car breaks down I don’t have parents to call and help me. I think my situation scares the shit out of many married women. I think that is why they blame me for my predicament.. it gives them a sense of control; if they can exclude fate or the fact that they cannot control what their husbands may or many not do to them it makes them feel better. So it’s easy to resent single mothers; when you are a married woman fearing the same fate.

My fault was that I couldn’t turn myself into the imaginary perfect bitch my ex had in his head. I failed miserably at behaving myself; I talked back and gave him shit when he treated me like shit. I guess I wasn’t submissive enough. I am too much of a rebel, I am too smart, I am too energetic , I think for myself..and I just didn’t worship him like the god he thought himself to be.. yup it was totally my fault!

This single mom gig.. it’s tough. I do break down in tears from loneliness. I cannot have some jerk around my kids; or me for that matter. I cannot allow myself to be depleted by some arrogant know-it-all again. Casual sex is just heartbreaking; so it’s complicated. My body longs to be touched lovingly and I long for rough sex too.. it’s horrible sometimes..it’s torture sometimes. It’s very sad.

I wish I had someone to take care of me once-in-awhile ..and I wish I had someone to take care of..some times the longing feels like it will kill me. It’s been over 6 years now; I never thought it would be this long; I have had many guys interested in me; but there isn’t that spark ( I don’t want to make the same mistake I made last time, I don’t trust myself )

My ex is such a dick that he schedules all his weekends without consulting me; even though he was ordered to in court; but going back to court is horrible. There are so many sexist, dick head judges that talk to single moms as if we are criminals..anyway the ex scheduled his weekend to be with the kids on Mother’s Day again.. for the 6th year in a row. I told him I am keeping the kids. Now he has told me it might be weeks till he sees them again { because he thinks he can punish me by disobeying his mighty orders.. see I just cannot obey } But as a single mom; I am making us breakfast tomorrow. We are going to have ham, pancakes and scrambled eggs.. then we are going to be ultra lazy until noon..then go out and play in the sun..

I hope the car starts Monday :) Monday..back to the mechanics.. fuck

Born to do this

 

I know this sounds crazy.. but I am so passionate about women’s rights and issues that every night I dream about it. In my dreams I contact a higher power, we sit in a class room, office setting. We go over how women’s bodies are dismantled into parts; that we are judged by each individual part of our bodies..and how we do this to ourselves.. how we therefore give into our own objectification. In my dreams this higher power tells me why I cannot access the press.. the media.. the reason is that they want to keep women chained down and trapped in this way of objectifying themselves because they make money.. industry makes money off the objectification of women.

In my dreams, I dream of Joan of Arc.. she tells me how even back in her day she was used by the patriarchy to win battles..favors for her King.. she followed their rules and stayed a virgin.. yet still by keeping her alive and giving her credit were it was due; they knew it would empower women.. they couldn’t allow that..because entire religions and Government platforms are built on the body parts of women. So she was murdered by her own people for wearing pants. I dream of Marilyn Monroe.. she tells me in my dreams how she was groomed to sell women’s sexuality back to them. How she was used by a male industry ..never paid her worth, never given credit for how brilliant she actually was. The fullness of Marilyn wasn’t ever honored..instead she was treated like a prostitute .. she was pimped by the industry and by the Government of her time.. the fullness of her beauty .. her inner beauty not allowed to shine.. least it should truly empower other women..

These are but a few women that I dream of.. But these women are seeped into my subconscious and into the subconsciousness of all women.. and other women like them.. we are taught this pattern. We are taught that the fullness of our beauty.. our hearts and souls are not as important as our body parts.. we are chopped and butchered by society into ( Lips, hips and tits ) we are taught that smart women intimidate men..and men are taught that smart women intimidate them.. we are taught to dumb ourselves down least we should be seen as less attractive, should she be just as ambitious as a man, least she should lead like a man .. Like Joan of Arc did.. then she was murdered for daring to do an even better job, that the men of her time could not do.. because she wore the archetype of the female warrior like she was born to do it..she owned her own soul! And we see that when Marilyn demanded her worth and spoke out with her own true voice about being denied her own rights to her worth.. that she supposedly committed suicide at the prime of her life?

Even to this day I am reading in the papers how women are vilified for asking their worth..to this day a woman’s sexual worth is based on her virginity or purity.. while a man’s worth isn’t ever based on his sexual history.. but by the lack of it.. the double standards hold us all prisoner.. we look at how the church has put chains around our sexual organs.. how guilt and shame turned into a magic money machine; yet this machine is also used by the media to pit women and men against each other.. teaching men through music and art that they are entitled to just take from women what they want..entitled to make more money.. to just go and grab at and for what they need..be it a woman or a raise.. be it opportunity or date rape..because he has been taught entitlement and she has been taught to shut up.. look pretty, to know her place is were the male power dictates it to be.. least she should be punished .. become unattractive from the inside out ” You have such a pretty face, it’s too bad your such bossy bitch ”

So will I ever be given a media voice or a platform  to speak on this ..so that people can become educated to the dysfunctional patterns in our society? Not if the patriarchy can help it.. they want to keep women down..it’s the unpaid women’s work that is the needle and thread that secretly holds a male power based society together and makes them rich.. Men make the money..they invest the money were they see fit.. like in male sports, like hockey and soccer .. they don’t put male money into female sports..and they put their money into male power based adverts..that keep the patterns going..that keep opportunity and power in male hands.. but meanwhile a woman is cooking, sewing, sweating and toiling doing traditional manly chores, working in a traditional male based business or trade.. making less money.. not getting the promotion because she has a womb ..

They want to keep this message unheard and silent.. like they want to keep all women unheard .. silent in their ( Place )

The Female Orgasm

 

What makes a woman orgasmic and what causes her from orgasming or achieving quality orgasms?

Women fake orgasms because they are probably to tired/ill/depleted and too sexually repressed to have them.

The subconscious and conscious thoughts of a woman who hasn’t had an orgasm, has trouble reaching orgasm or has poor quality orgasms are self defeating thoughts. Often they feel unattractive for varying reasons, I am going to touch on.. and they sexually repress themselves by ingrained social and religious stigmas; thoughts like ” Only slutty women touch their vaginas. Only women without morals actually like sex and want it.” or thoughts like ” I am fat and ugly, I cannot even place myself in my own sexual fantasies.” .. {she has low self esteem.}

The woman that cannot reach orgasm is usually a martyr .. she puts everyone ahead of herself. She sees her self worth by how others view her to be a good woman, to be a ultra submissive, servant to family and friends.. she is too nice, too kind, too giving and allows others to drain her over her energy.. she doesn’t ever say no. She doesn’t set healthy boundaries. She is exhausted and drained of her vital life force, and so she hasn’t anything left to put into her orgasm.

The woman who cannot reach orgasm doesn’t feel safe in her life. Her basic needs for love, acceptance, finances and even her physical safety may be at risk constantly.. she hasn’t any resources to call on for help; or feels so lowly about her own worth that she stays in a horrible relationship that drains her of her feminine essence.. once again it comes down to self worth.

The woman who is orgasmic.. holds herself in high esteem .. she will not tolerate abusive behaviors by anyone in her life. She takes care of her body. She is very aware of whom she gives her time or energy to. A woman who is orgasmic takes time for the pleasures in her own life; how ever small they maybe she takes time for her alone time.. to recharge. A woman who is orgasmic will stay single and on her own until she meets the right man that will treat her with the love and respect she treats herself with.. Yes there are women who will sleep around, and sleep with unsuitable men ..that treat them without respect; that do have orgasms but they are not quality orgasms.. they are shallow and only serve as an addiction to sex, that is used to cover up the lack of self love within them. The woman who has deep, sensual quality orgasms has a deep sense of herself and her worth. She doesn’t take on societal shaming or religious shaming of her sexuality. She has the wisdom of knowing her sexual fantasies are her own mysteries into the depths of her passions..she embraces even her darkest needs. She knows that her mind can entertain many deep dark, sensual, gritty fantasies without having to act them out in reality..she has no shame. She sees her imperfections .. as uniqueness.

 

The woman who experiences intense orgasms is more than in touch with her body..she is in touch with her soul through creativity.. she plants gardens, writes poetry, makes babies, decorates, sings, collects beautiful things.. she exercises her choices..she has a voice and she uses it with out apologies..she takes up room..she takes up space..she has a presence. She is decadence in form.. she seeks out pleasure to be pleasure..she fills her cup to over flowing… the woman who is void of this.. who is empty from over giving..of giving herself away.. hasn’t anything to give to herself.. she is a barren landscape that must be healed and re-nourished by the pursuit of her own pleasures.

As you can see the female orgasm starts long before she ever touches her own body.. she needs to give herself permission to be open to receiving pleasure even from her own hand..she must submit to pleasure for pleasure..she must give herself the allowance of decadence.. she must allow her fantasies..she must allow her imperfections and see them as unique beauty to be aroused of herself, before she can ever be aroused by a lover.. she must spend time alone with herself away from the busy world that demands all of her energy, to find and replenish her own self worth.. then she is ready to begin exploring her own body.

The most important epiphany any woman will ever have is that she is of herself.. she is not defined as a mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend.. she is not defined by anything or anyone outside of herself..she isn’t defined by society or religion..she is defined by her own will and spirit.

When she has defined herself.. when she touches her breast, her clitoris.. when she finds her G-spot.. when her mind and heart are cleared of all outside forces she will be able to be present with her orgasm.. she will have a cosmic connection to the divinity of her femininity ..

I do believe that when women become awakened to this desire ..the desire of self exploration the entire universe will shift with the awakening of the divine feminine within each and every woman that chooses her Inner Goddess over The Martyr.

If a woman is orgasmic but cannot have an orgasm with you ( if you’r a man reading this post ) it is probably because she doesn’t feel safe with you, or you are not present with her in her orgasm.. meaning you are rushing her through it.. you are not into giving her or helping her achieve her orgasm.. in essence you are being selfish and lazy. For a woman to totally open up to you, you must be into her pleasure as well as your own pleasure.. if you are just wanting her to orgasm to appease your ego ..she may feel this as a pressure to perform for you and then again you are being selfish. So if she doesn’t have problems reaching quality orgasms on her own.. you will have to find away to be with her and totally enraptured by her.. ravishing her for her desires to experience her orgasms with her.

To read more about The Goddess in you.. please go to Balboa Press to purchase my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) by Gracie Ackerman

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