Posts Tagged ‘( Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft’

Abused by Him: Abused by the Legal System


Citations taken from ( Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft

Pg 268

“” The treatment that protective mothers so often receive at the hands of family courts is among the most shameful secrets of modern jurisprudence. This is the only social institution that I am aware of that so frequently forbids mothers to protect their children from abuse.””

Pg 290

“” It often falls to the abused woman herself, unfortunately, to try to educate people around her whose help and support she needs, so that they will understand the dynamics of abuse and stop supporting the abusive man. Much of why an abuser is so able to recruit allies, besides his own manipulativeness and charm, is his skill in playing on people’s ignorance…””

Pg 313

“” Many abusers see the legal system as another opportunity for manipulation. Whether or not he succeeds in that approach will depend largely on how well trained the crucial public officials are on the subject of abuse..””

Pg 321

“” This legal history plays an important role in shaping today’s cultural views among males and females about the abuse of women. It is likely to take a number of generations to overcome the accumulated impact of hundreds of years of destructive social attitudes.””

Pg 322

“” Religious scriptures in the world today, including the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, and major Buddhist and Hindu writings, explicitly instruct women to submit to male domination. Genesis, for example includes the following passage ‘” Unto the women he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”..””

And so it is all of these examples that I have given you.. I as an abused woman ( emotionally and financially abused) educate you to this abuse. And so it is in order for some to hear me I must use a man’s writing, education, reputation and power to be heard as to what I have been living and writing all along.

Such is the prejudice.. so woven into our subconsciousness.

This is what my ex has done,, using the system to abuse me; by filing ( non compliance) because my car was in to poor of shape to drive the kids to him.

Pg 310

“‘ .. the man who repeatedly assaults his partner verbally or physically and then has the pleasure of handing her a court order… and of course the shock to the woman of discovering that the court has kicked her when she was already down can propel her several more yards in the direction of resignation and bitterness..””

The reason why I have not been able to use the justice system to create equality and fairness since the separation is that I cannot afford a lawyer; he was manipulative and controlling in the marriage; even though we worked towards the family assets together, he had all the assets and money put into his name when I was vulnerable and pregnant..  he used that I had multiple miscarrages to manipulate me into compliance.. because the stress of standing up to him could cause me to loose another baby..and it had in the past.

Pg 263

“”Taking Advantage of his financial position

Most men are in a better economic position than their ex-partners for at least the first few years following separation. This imbalance is greater for abusers because they may control and manipulate the finances while the couple is together and sometimes make dramatic attempts to destroy their partner economically as the relationship dissolves.””

My ex cut me out of all business accounts leaving the joint family account balance at 0.0 ..about 6 months into the separation saying I was making him broke.

The reason that he still believes that I have no right to see his financial information ( but he has a right to see mine, tell me how to live my life and how to budget) is this…

Pg 54

“”ENTITLEMENT is the abuser’s belief that he has special status and that it provides him with exclusive rights and privileges that do not apply to his partner. The attitudes that drive abuse can largely be summarized by this one word””

Pg 242

“” The selfishness and self-centeredness that his entitlement produces cause role reversal in his relationships with his children, in that he considers it their responsibility to meet his needs..””

For my ex.. he doesn’t want to pay the extra expense of putting the kids into sports or activities so that he can go to Mexico and experience other activities for himself.. he believes that his standard of living is more important than his children’s..and so they go without so he can have what he feels entitled to have.

He stated that our oldest daughter can babysit her younger siblings for long hours at a time.. so instead of a normal life of a teenage girl.. belonging to groups and activities, he would rather see her take on the expense of  the amount of daycare that he should pay as an expense.. therefore taking on her adult father’s responsibilities. He had her do this at his home to prove his point of knowing what is best for all concerned..exhibiting his patterns of control.

Pg 240

“” At the core of the abusive mind-set is the man’s view of his partner as his personal possession. And if he sees her as his fiefdom ((The estate or domain of a feudal lord.)) how likely is he to see the children as being subject to his ultimate reign? Quite.”

He has told the court that he wants to reverse the roles.. he wants the children to come and live with him 85% of the time

“”Children are a tempting weapon for an abuser to use against the mother. Nothing inflicts more pain to a caring parent .””

Pg 259

“”Why He Uses The Children as Weapons Postseparation

1. He wants her to fail

The last thing an abuser wants is for his partner to thrive after they split up, since that would prove that he was the problem. So he tries to make her parenting life as difficult as possible so that her life will stay stuck.

2. He is losing most of his other avenues for getting to her

Separation means that the abuser doesn’t get his daily opportunities to control the woman and cut her down. He may still be able to get at her through various financial dealings

4. He considers the children his personal possessions

5. His perceptions of his ex-partner are highly distorted

An abuser strives to prove that his ex-partner is a poor mother by pointing to symptoms that are actually the effects that his cruelty has had on her: her depression, emotional volatility, her difficulty managing the children’s respect of her. He feels that he needs to save them from her, a stark and disturbing distortion.””

Of course he has done all of these things… keeping $24,000 in the separation of the assets, causing me to drop out of college because he refuses to pay for daycare.. making it impossible for me to work outside of the home without the help of these extra expenses being met my him. Asking that the courts give him primary care of the children..etc..

I have taken how an ABUSER treats a woman ..only the role of the abuser from Pgs 370 to 372

As this is how he treated me in the council office in front of a judge ..the last time we spoke.

THE ABUSER Pressures her severly

THE ABUSER Talks down to her ( he spoke of me in third person like I wasn’t even in the room to the judge..calling me she and her)

THE ABUSER Thinks He knows what is good for her better than she does

THE ABUSER Dominates conversations

THE ABUSER Believes her has the right to control her life

THE ABUSER Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

THE ABUSER Thinks for her.


Please google Lundy Bancroft ..this book has been of great value.. It is my deepest hope that my life experiences and this post will help other’s to stand up and stand their ground who are being they system, by a partner or others..

I think I will use this as an affidavit..and send it to my ex 🙂