Posts Tagged ‘weird’

I am so lonely

 

I am so lonely because I am just not good with people; I am not good with people because I think to much. I am not good with people because I feel to deeply. You would think my curses could be blessings.. but it’s been out of balance. I am too different. People say ” Be unique ..shine ” But honestly people don’t like it when you do.. it makes people uncomfortable so when people are uncomfortable they get annoyed; when people get annoyed they lash out..and because I am very sensitive and I over think everything..I take it too hard I guess?

I have learned freedom is an ideal and that there is a price to pay for real freedom.. it means you will not be accepted; sometimes you will even be hated.

Artist are often not acceptable; unless they are creating works of art for mass market production.. like nice coffee table books, or singing already popular lyrics.. because people have already become comfortable with the ideal.

I don’t know.. maybe secretly I purposefully pushed people away from me.. writing the book that I have written; about women’s sexuality.. pissing people off using my own image in the photography.. taking apart religions?

But even if people don’t know me for my book.. maybe I give off ( Don’t touch me ) Don’t touch me because I don’t want you to hurt me. Don’t look at me that way… because it hurts me ” Wtf are you looking at?” ‘” Stop judging me with your glares and stares because I don’t look like you; move like you, think like you or talk like you” ” Just leave me the fuck alone if your going to be a fake asshole”

Of course I do the same thing to men.. I mean it’s not like I haven’t tried to let a few into my heart and bed.. but they lied and they hurt me… They say whatever you want to hear.. or they get insecure and the judge me.. because how dare I take such good care of myself.. it must be because I want lots of men..not just one good man. I must be a slut or fucked up somehow.. it’s like that.. I scare the good guys with my ambitions and attract the bad guys with my ambitions.. so now I don’t trust any of them.. the good guys say things to hurt be because they are being defensive and the bad guys tell me what I want to hear just to get laid.. so I am touch deprived.

It’s only human to want affection and attention.. it’s only human to want to be social and to socialize.. but I just don’t know how to do it. I can meet people and carry on conversations but I go too deep after a while.. I am too deep.. I am too much. I am too smart..and they say it most of the time like it’s a bad thing for a woman to be that smart.. for a woman to be intellectual and philosophical.. to be that into health and fitness.. I annoy people.. I make them uncomfortable..

But I get so lonely from time to time.. when my kids go to their dads..and I have time to realize how alone I am.. I see couples every where I go.. I see groups of people with tons of friends.. they are all so normal.. and they are happy that way..

I guess the only hope for me getting a man is to meet another weirdo like me.. another eccentric.. freaky, overly sensitive artist.. that needs to be alone sometimes.. and then needs love and affection sometimes..

Another gypsy perhaps..

Or maybe I am just being a delusional dreamer again.. that cannot spell..has horrible grammar.. who goes from highs and lows.. because artist are not too horribly stable sometimes..

Until then I will just keep myself from the desolation of horrible loneliness by writing and taking selfies. ( that will piss some people off I am sure )

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