Posts Tagged ‘the courage to feel’

Stay Sweet

 

We all live in a world were everyone is pretending .. it’s just the way it is. It starts in high school. Everyone wants to fit in.. be popular.. liked and accepted. We are shown through media projections; by branded personalities how to be cool.. how to put on the social masks that everyone worships and adores. But by doing so we loose ourselves and our true identities and so we become bitter. We become bitter by fear.. fear of rejection.. we become bitter because we sell ourselves out.. for social acceptance, and we think social protection. But if one becomes popular and adored by many people for projecting a image that they want.. we are truly not accepted at all..because we are not really being ourselves. So you can have the love of many while not being loved at all..and worse… you not loving yourself.

The most difficult thing to do is to really be yourself and love yourself past other’s insecurities and social rejections… but it is the only way to stay sweet..it is to stay and be vulnerable; to be humble. Courage is putting your heart out there..while knowing far well, that you will probably be rejected. When you are truly authentic, open, raw and vulnerable you are a threat to those who wear the thickest social masks.. because you are their mirror. A truly authentic and raw person is clear and blinding truth to those who are in the greatest denial of the social mask that they wear; and so it is that the nerdiest, nicest, sweetest and strangest people are the most rejected by society. We make people uncomfortable..because conformity is comforting.. the sweetest and most loving people wear their hearts on the outside..so we are labeled as victims by those who would victimize the open hearted for the very fear of being open and vulnerable themselves.

In the worldly way.. being truly vulnerable is labeled as weak.. but who is really being weak? I think those who have lost themselves in groups of people and organizations have lost.. those who are vulnerable and have the courage to constantly lay their hearts on the line.. well this is true strength..to put your heart out, even though it is wounded..bloody and raw from being constantly rejected.. attacked for being open.. seen as a target.. this takes in credible strength.. people like me .. we are true spiritual warriors.. because we are giving the world and example of the compassionate heart.. even thought it is constantly being torn and ripped apart by those who fear true depth and feeling.. those who have been hurt and cut.. sometimes they are the one’s that will cut us the deepest. But being truly vulnerable, real, raw, authentic and open regardless of constant emotional, mental and spiritual attacks, takes the greatest strength.

We live in a very cold and plastic society.. not just in my city.. even though outsiders confirm that their is a higher than normal concentration of assholes in Kelowna BC.. but the only way to open other’s cold and fearful hearts is to stay open and brave.. to stay vulnerable .. raw.. broken .. and compassionate.. it is to do our very best to forgive them..because in their, inner terror, they are lost..lost to themselves.. washed away .. in the conformity of fitting in..rather than standing brave.. being nerdy.. goofy.. making mistakes..failing..being perfectly/imperfect ..

Stay sweet.. stay open.. an love no matter what.. because love favors the brave.

Don’t let fear and bitterness make you bitter.

The sigma of mental illness and suicide

Crease Clinic/Riverside Vancouver BC Canada

 

I think this will be one of the most vulnerable posts I will ever write; and so it will leave me open to personal attacks online;I will have to prepare myself for such. I came upon another blog about a female performance artist.. she was testing out human nature. She put herself in a crowd of people, topless.. exposed and vulnerable, with various objects beside her on a table. She vowed to remain motionless, exposed to the crowd. She was treated with cruelty. Her experiment reflects on the online world, or mobs of people.. I have proved as much with my blog, with exposing my vulnerable-ness, by being open and honest with the human journey or struggles… many have seen my open heart and mind as an open target.. but it is for the greater good.. to show by actions how to be more human..to have compassion towards the self and others.. so here we go again.

Me at 1 year

My mother and her identical twin sister were stricken with¬†schizophrenia at the tender age of 14, that same year my grandfather, their father died of black lung..my poor grandmother. My mother was a very beautiful woman from the inside out.. a tender heart much like myself. My father was an abusive man; he made her illness much worse, but than I suppose it is easy to reason that a cruel person would be drawn to an easy victim. I think my mother would of spent a lot less time in the hospital and off of drugs; and shock therapy treatment if she wasn’t terrorized in her own home. I had a very tough childhood. I have been shamed and judged by others for it; and to remain silent about it.. I married a man that shamed me into silence.. I was unconscious to the fact that I married an emotionally abusive man.. like a toned down version of my own father.

me and my sisters.. Sharon to the left..me in the middle..Christina on the right

My mother spent a lot of time in Crease Clinic in Vancouver or Riverside .. I remember it very well. As a child I attended one of the best Halloween parties at Riverside; as it was held for the female patients and their young children.. this was the place were my mother eventually took her life. My father had moved us hundreds of miles away from our mother; he was cruel and selfish. My mother had to travel with a social worker or nurse to come and visit us; my father never took us too her. I think social services was also at fault; I think they allowed the emotional abuse by allowing our father to move us away from her. With government funding cut backs, my mother hadn’t seen us in a year. That time away from her four children pushed her over the edge. She had written letters to us that our father hadn’t given to us. We read them years later. She expressed how much she missed nurturing us; her children.. my mother’s astrological sign was a Cancer..she loved to cook and clean; she loved being mother. She told us how she missed baking apple raisin pies..she missed seeing us wear the mittens she knitted for us. The letters were heart breaking. Without us her life was dark; meaningless..and the voices in her head took over. My mother hung herself by the sleeves of her shirt. I had just turned 13.. as she was committing suicide hundreds of miles away from me.. unknown to me.. I had an unexplained panic attack.. I know now it was because children have an unexplained connection to their mothers.. I know that now as mother; it’s just a knowing. When the local preacher came to our house to tell us the next day.. every time I closed my eyes I felt myself falling..

My Mother March of 1983..she took her life April 27 1983Rest in Peace Mommy

My father took us to go and view her body lying in state. She looked as if she was sleeping.. I hadn’t seen my mother in so long. I longed to be held by her and to hold her.. but it was just her body.. she was gone. On her finger she wore a ring that I had given her. The ring was out of a Cracker-jack box; it was a gold northern star. I had told her we were all just stars; that we were just human for a little while and then we all just went back to being stars ( the wisdom of a child ) I remembered how she let me put it on her little finger. I pulled out some of my hair and placed it in with her when no one was watching; because I wanted some of me to go with her. I will never forget how I longed for her to come back to life..how unreal it was to see my mother’s body. My father didn’t let us stay for her funeral; I think it was because he was truly ashamed of what he had done to her.

There were happy times between them; when my mother was on an upswing .. when my father wasn’t being a beast.. they both made a princess birthday cake for me.. I had wanted the moment to last forever

 

But moment’s like these were far and few between..love was very rare in hour home.

Now fast-forward to my marriage 1999. I had thought I was marrying a great guy obviously. I was unconscious to the damage of my childhood..but I also know that there isn’t a single one of us that isn’t damaged or that hasn’t been broken.. I had a lot of things go wrong all at the same time.. it was like a catastrophic natural disaster. My husband had started having an affair when I was pregnant with our last child, our son. He became frustrated and angry with me because we had four miscarriages after having our two daughters. One of the miscarriages was quite far along .. five months into the pregnancy. I had gone through horrible grieving and depression; my husband checked out emotionally then..and began to blame me for his inability to be present emotionally though the lows in our marriage. By the time I was seven months into the pregnancy with our son.. he was totally gone emotionally..he didn’t even show up for the ultrasound. I saw him talking with her outside in our yard through the dinning room widow when they didn’t know I was watching.. it was clear by their body language and loving, lustful looks that they were sharing that they were intimate. But I had to push it down into my subconscious to stay pregnant ..to give birth to a healthy full term baby..and so the affair continued unchecked by me..I couldn’t confront it.

My mother and her children.. I am the one in the tree with the flowers!

When my son was born I went into a deep dark postpartum depression ( I wonder why? ) I spent many hours talking to the Pacific Postpartum Hotline ladies.. they coached me about self care..the guided me towards getting myself and my husband into marriage counselling.. but then my sister was diagnosed with a stage four brain tumor .. My son was still a nursing baby and my sister was dying.. It took all my strength to keep her in the hospital way from her abusive husband..so that she could die with proper care and dignity. It was January.. and I would drive an 1 1/2 hours in horrible conditions to spend hrs with my sister..to care for her..to spend her last hrs with her.. my husband resented being left with the baby and our two very young girls.. he resented the attention that I was giving my dying sister and then the attention that I was giving the baby and children over him.. he was doing house renos.. and he wanted to get shit done.. me and my sister..the kids were keeping him back ( and stopping him from having sex with his mistress ) The day after my sister died my ex husband emotionally abused me.. he screamed at me because the bottom of our son’s playpen had scratched the new wood flooring he had just put in.. he called me a selfish bitch..

My marriage was over.. even with marriage counselling.. with me getting talk therapy for my grief.. I was sick and depleted .. I didn’t know I had celiac .. I was a burden to him.. he left me to got to Mexico..with his friends ( mistress ) I put myself in the hospital so that I wouldn’t take my own life..I willingly had myself committed to be here to write this story..

Life is like that.. for many people.. one day everything can just crash and burn.. it’s like a bad country/western song.. his dog dies, his girlfriend leaves him..he looses his job.. and he is thinking of just putting one bullet in his gun.. just for him..

The point is this.. it can happen to anyone of us.. the wheel of fortune can take a horrible turn.. your child could be born with mental illness.. anything good or bad can happen..

I am also pointing out the differences between a deep mental illness and depression.. depression can be treated.. circumstances can change for the better given time and work.. some mental illnesses cannot be treated the same way.. my mom’s identical twin is still in a care home..I just went to visit her a few days ago. She needs to be kept safe from herself and other cruel people in the world that would hurt her because she is vulnerable..

If you are reading this because you are depressed and feeling suicidal.. please know you are not alone.. many people have the same thoughts and feelings.. you are not crazy or a bad person.. you are a person that needs TLC.. some love and compassion.. please have compassion on yourself and tell somebody.. anybody..and keep telling people until someone listens..it’s not weak it is brave to get help.. you are just experiencing an intense low in your life.. it will get better..it doesn’t seem like it now but time does heal all things..time and work..

If someone comes to you asking for help.. call 911.. call the crisis line or the hospital..they will guide you towards helping them..

I ask people to stop shaming people who ask for help.. stop shaming the mentally ill that need to be in care homes.. they need compassion not judgement.. they are vulnerable..they need to be protected.

The craziest thing in the world is the lack of compassion and tenderness.. the lack of humanity.

Written in loving memory of my mother

Sending out love.. a message in a bottle

 

I have found, through experience, Kelowna BC Canada is a loveless place…

Just seems that no matter how much I have reached out to people I just find I get nothing back. Nothing but empty promises of friendships or an echo of a promise of a potential lover.. So many say that they stand for this or that.. love, courage, bravery, equality, justice.. but it when it comes down to showing it through actions.. it never materializes into reality.. instead they don’t show up, or they remain silent when they should speak up..

Even now writing this I am washing things (memories) recent an old; around in my head thinking ” What is the point to even writing this” selfish people don’t care. I think the most fucked up thing is.. when I have the guts to write about what others don’t have the guts to even dare to think about.. these cowardly people are the the first to attempt to shut me up.. they are the ones who stood by and watched me get bullied out of my old gym.. they are the ones that shut me out of networking events and organizations.. making it impossible for me to promote my book on a local scale.. making it then even harder for me to promote my book on a global scale with out a local platform.. These are the ones that said they were my friends within the local arts community.. who never spoke up for me..when they had the power to make a difference.. because they didn’t want their own personal comfort put at risk with in Kelowna’s social network.. nope they sit and stuff their faces with wine and cheese, take in the local events, network with the organizations that I am not welcome to attend.. yet they know deep within that they are selfish cowards…

Even looking at the men that I cared about.. whom I thought were my friends, whom I thought could be my friends..and a very select few whom I had considered as lovers… they shrank back too.. professing to be about courage, masculinity, authenticity, truth, upholding what is right.. justice.. yet I had nothing to offer them.. no social connections, no money, and of course.. I suppose love and sex was not worth the risk .. of taking a stand for a woman who has been labeled and reputable .. a socially scorned woman..and worse yet a single mother..without family or social status.. why risk their own worth for someone whom society has labeled so worthless?

And yes I know I am not worthless..so don’t be stupid about this.. ( no messages telling me how negative this is.. no messages telling me..” But Gracie your not worthless” I fucking know I am priceless..)

I know that what I did for society was out of love..that my book was written out of love..and that I still write this out of love.. to help others see that they are not alone.. not alone in sending messages of love.. out in bottles.. out into the deep dark sea of unconsciousness.. the unconsciousness of a city… A city that is superficial .. full of people wearing thick masks.. to afraid to do what I am doing for fear of being treated how I have been treated.. using authenticity as buzz word for self promotion.. using spirituality as fucking TREND.. using religion as an excuse to be self righteous hypocrites.. conservative professionals using ” It’s just business” as an excuse to dehumanize. But yet somehow love has to win ..

And strength has to prevail.. through adversity..the dream cannot be abandoned and crushed by the cruelty of greed and cold hearts.. of assholes who only see people as worthy if they have something for them to use.. like social connections, money or some form of status…

Somehow the pureness of heart, the purity of dream has to survive the rough, tough seas of hatred and sorrow, of those who would do anything to stab an open loving heart just for the false power-trip..

Somehow..they say.. love floats.. on hope..

Love floats on the hope..that someone will have the courage to open up .. to actually hear the message, and to share it.. someone.. who has the connections, the heart, the courage.. to make those who chose to be unconscious.. conscious of facing their own inner demons.. so that they too.. can have the courage to send out..

A message in a bottle

 

What if Women Manned up?

 

I tried it..and it isn’t working for me.. I thought I was expressing my inner divine masculine.. trying to be one of the boys..but I am not one of the boys.. ¬†I have had to accept that and embrace my Femininity.. not expressing my emotions isn’t tough..it is weak.. a strong heart is brave enough to feel, to care..it doesn’t mean I am to sensitive or that I am taking things to personally..it means I am brave enough to FEEL.. a scary prospect for many people in an overtly masculine society.. as women think they need to man up to be taken seriously in a male based society and professional world..but then we are left with insensitivity, repression and denial of emotions..because women don’t want to be called dramatic and overly emotional in a professional world.. what is professionalism anyway..it was created by male based logical thinking.. it wasn’t created to encompass the female mind.. our minds are based on instinct of nurturing..women read body language more than we read words..we are highly sensitive to other’s moods because our feminine DNA created us to nurture ..to be highly sensitive to an infant’s body language and tone.. because babies cannot use language..and so to not allow the feminine qualities to be seen as valuable as masculine qualities stops humanity and society from the full expression of the human condition.. what do we loose when we deny emotions .. compassion and empathy, intimacy, unconditional love, nurturing, we loose softness, kindness and tenderness..

The rise of the Feminine brings balance back into our world…

I am not going to repress my womanhood anymore..to make others more comfortable.. I am not going to “suck it up” and I feel sorry for people who are to repressed to express their emotions..because if you cannot have compassion for the self, softness and kindness for the self.. you cannot express these things towards others..

Truly men are trapped in their tough guy social conditioning.. I have a son..and I know how much he loves his mother’s softness, tenderness and long hugs.. I think men crave women to be women.. I think he wants someone he can fall apart with ..someone he can fall into that isn’t going to expect him to ” suck it up and be a man”

This tender heart..the heart of compassion is missing in society.. strong women are the ones who are brave enough be fully women and express their emotions..and love their bodies.

To answer the question ” What if women manned up?” The world would become a hard cold place ..barren of all intimacy, love and affection..and we would grieve the mother in every woman.

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