Posts Tagged ‘struggling artist’

The Goddess in the Little Girl

When I was a little girl I knew I was a Goddess; I knew it wasn’t evil to feel that way.

I just knew; and I don’t know how to explain it.

I felt that nature was magic; I just knew that all the ancient symbols of magic came from nature. I just knew that the Earth was a feminine force. As adults we like to label and place everything in neat tidy spaces within our minds..but as a child you walk with magic.. as a child the veil is thin..because you still have one foot in the infinite. As a child you haven’t yet been fully tainted and poisoned from dogma and by other’s beliefs ( fears ) the innocence is so sweet.

My earliest memories were of not belonging to my birth family; I was called a wise old soul by many. I was thoughtful and quiet.. often adults forgot I was in the room. But I was also high energy.. I had to move and go places.. I was always wandering off.. off with my horse..with the dog.. off to find wandering brooks.. rolling meadows..big sky..with big thunderheads .. and in the night I could be found looking up at the stars feeling homesick. I thought I was from the stars; I was sure of it.. that I was a star that had fallen in the wrong place.. at the wrong time.. to people who didn’t see the magic.. let alone stars.. if I would shine too brightly I would scare them.. if I spoke too deeply I would offend them.. when I asked meaningful questions that other’s wouldn’t dare even think to ponder.. I  would bother them.. so off I would wander.. sometimes I would find other children like me.. not often.. but when I did we would wander off together to be Gods and Goddesses..we would disappear into our magical land.. and our powers would save the world.. we were safe with each other in the place of Amazons and Knights.

There is nothing new under the sun.. all the magic was always with us..and always will be.. but when we grow up it usually starts to fade.

Many artist manage to not grow up all the way; actors still play make-believe. Artist still see the magic; we manage not to trip into the traps of dogma.

But it’s difficult.. so many fully grown up gown-ups want us to give up..and they label our art as demonic or selfish.. evil and profane.. we are called lazy and crazy.

And I am crazy because I still see myself as a Goddess.. born on a star from a distant galaxy .. I think I was a blue star.. like Sirius..

And when I walk through the wild roses.. when I hike to the beach in my bikini.. my bare feet dirty and dusty.. feeling the Earth Mother become one with me..

I am an Amazon Goddess..and the wild roses grow like magic before me.. just for me

 

For more about the Goddess follow this link to my book

http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx

Original Content

( click on the images to enlarge them and see them move.. have fun )  :)

 

 

I better be very careful from now on about what I write because Mary Lawver is watching over my blog and reporting me to the RCMP.. I must realize that she has total control over the content of my blog and mind.. or Mary is going to tattle tale on me for writing vile content. I am a mother, so according to Mary I am not allowed to use vile language .. like the words ( fuck, fuck you, fuck off, bitch, cunt.. etc ) because Mary is the blog and online police.. if I don’t keep within her standards of tattle tale approval I will be reported on to Mental Health, my local papers, The Mayor of Kelowna, Google, Youtube, Facebook etc.. etc.. because I must do as I am told ..or according to Mary if I don’t follow her censorship I should have my children taken away from me and I should be forced into the mental ward.. and then I should be forced onto medication.. until I turn into Mary..

If I was to be like Mary.. I would behave like Mary online.. and post unoriginal content.. Yes nothing groundbreaking or artistic.. original or remotely controversial.. nope.. I would be keeping pure and safe.. and then if anyone should dare write about sexuality.. post any images of artistic nudity.. I would jump on that like a busy body.. and report that vile offender. I would then condemn them to be locked up and shunned by society.. yes that is what I would do if I was Mary.. and then I would secretly know that they were condemned to burn in HELL!

If I was Mary.. if the wicked sinners crossed me.. if they dared to stand up to my ultimate self righteous demands on their behavior and lifestyle.. I would call them bullies and a stalkers.. while I bullied and stalked them relentlessly under a fake name and image online.. because if I was Mary I would see myself as the supreme authority on all vile, sickos daring to call themselves feminist and artist.. secretly as Mary I would find gay people disgusting. As Mary I see mothers as being only mothers; they are not allowed to have dreams and goals past their children. If I saw a single mother being sexy and sensual online I would report that little bitch.

As Mary I have no original content.. so don’t know how to mind my own fucking business.. and because my mind is void of all creativity I cannot tolerate such crazy behavior online. I don’t know how to mind my own fucking business because I don’t have any creative hobbies of my own. As Mary my hobby is making you miserable .. you pathetic creative, crazy, sexy, freaks you make me uncomfortable with your liberal thoughts and attitudes. I cannot stand the thought of you having great sex when I am afraid to touch my own girly parts.

As Mary I haven’t ever had an orgasm.. because that is vile and evil.. that sexual energy and compulsion to wither about .. that is the work of the DEVIL.

All of you artist have multiple sex partners I know it! You have threesomes, and orgies .. I will have none of that! I will see to it that all unknown, sexy artist will be emotionally destroyed before they reach mainstream and taint the world with more FILTH! I fill fixate and hunt you all down by contacting your rivals and competition, to secretly have others do my dirty work for me. I will make sure they all know how disgusting and sickening your sexuality .. your orgasms on canvas, camera, screen, musical recordings, writings and withering dances are.. I will clean up the morality on this planet for the good lord commands me to do so as his good Christian Soldier .. I am Mary.. I am right.. all these sexy little artist and their sexual ways remind me of the withering pits of hell..full of demonic orgies .. Satan sitting on his throne of fire weaving his magic lust over his sexual slaves of creative compulsion!

I am Mary..and so I am like Mother Teresa .. I think AIDs is a curse from God.. to smite the wicked orgasming sinners.. those who fornicate outside of marriage and with same sex partners in orgies of artistic passion!

I am here to clean the world of such filth.. there will be no dancing.. no paintings of nudes, no lyrics sung or written of sex.. I will have all the artist and creative genius.. locked up .. medicated.. sterilize ..and their children taken from them to  be raised by me! ~ Mary

Cause haters gonna hate!

And the best way to deal with it.. is to have a good laugh at their expense.. all in the name of artistic expression.

 

The Single Mom Struggle

 

My rose colored glasses have fallen off my face once again. When you’r a single mom and an artist you don’t get to stay in the rosy glow long enough. So what happened today? Were do I start..?

I have this fucking car.. it has some fucking problems that I cannot seem to get a permanent fix for.. electrical problems that they cannot seem to nail down. This is what happens to the fucking car. The throttle starts to drop from highs to lows.. up and down ..and then I know something shitty is starting to happen.. then the wipers come on by themselves when I start the car, then the radio changes stations,, then it turns off an on by it’s self when I start the fucking car.. then a few days later a bulb that I have just had replaced again! ,,it fucking burns out.. then I know for sure the car is about to go through an electrical shit storm..so I take it in.. they hook up to the computer.. nothing.. just something reading on the throttle.. but I am told the electrical crackling sounds I am hearing from the steering wheel are just cracked plastics rubbing together when I turn the wheel.. so I am like ” OK” leave.. drive the fucking car around for a few weeks.. then the back light burns out that I just had replaced.. then it starts making the weird clicking sounds and the front lights flicker even though they are turned off.. So I am like ” Fucking car.” Then it did it today.. ( electrical shit storm from hell ) lucky for me my kids were with the ex still.. and I had just driven into town from being up in the mountains hiking.. cause the throttle went fucking nuts.. turned right up.. the lights were flashing and the dash was clicking and the steering wheel was crackling like a fucking gawd damn nightmare.. meanwhile I am trying to calmly pull into the grocery store parking lot.. while trying not to panic and have a fucking heart attack .. did that.. got the car in a fucking stall.. didn’t run anyone over with the throttle thrusting the car forward.. parked the fucking car.. left it in park but still running to get out to look at the lights flashing like a son-of-a-bitch.. so I went to the dash and turned the fucking head lights all the way on.. it stopped clicking for a few seconds..then it fucking died.. yup.. just fucking died,, the car had a fucking heart attack… fuck!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

So I went into the grocery store.. did the shopping.. sucked up my panic and tears.. didn’t cry.. got it done.. called a cab.. told one of my mom friends as I took the groceries out of the cab.. ” My car broke down again” paid the cabby and then went inside and cried and screamed..and cried and screamed and cried and cried and cried.. because I am so fucking mad and because it makes me feel so vulnerable because I don’t have family to help me and because I saved up some fucking money.. and now I have to spend the fucking money on what is or was suppose to be fixed the last 4x I took the fucking car into have them fix the fucking car.. FUCKING CAR!

On top of all that.. my ex wouldn’t keep the kids an extra day..even though he has the day off.. just to be a prick.. and he sent our son home from his house for the 3rd time with living lice in his hair.. each time I clean him up he comes home with living lice in his hair..and each time my ex doesn’t tell me he has it..but my 7 year old son brings it up over dinner.. all innocent to his dad’s conniving bullshit.. seems he likes the thought of sending his son to his ex wife infected with lice.. cause it’s funny to make me suffer..and it doesn’t seem to matter to him that he is making his little boy suffer to make his mother suffer.. so as you can imagine this time my text messages were not polite at all.. nope.. the went like this ” What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking insane? You don’t deserve your kids asshole.” now that is some hard cold single mom reality..

Then the memory of when I bought the fucking car.. you see he set out some dumb ass stipulation in the settlement of the assents that if I didn’t purchase a car with in the week of him giving me a part of the monies from the sale of the marital home that he wouldn’t give me the other monies from the other assets.. so I rushed out to buy the fucking car..not having a male friend or relative with me to help me get past the sleazy used car sales men that will sell a single mom a lemon with no remorse what so ever.. and that is the shit that happened..and so the anger in me burned to a rising crescendo.. so intense I thought I was going to blast off!

Thank gawd for other single mom friends..and single dad friends that helped to talk me off the ceiling .. cause holy fuck!

The prevailing thought had by us all..” We need a good drunk!”

I don’t drink often but when I do.. it’s because of.. the single mom struggle.

Fucking CAR!

Appropriating Inappropriate

 

I love words, totally love them. And I love to think and be analytical.  Meaning to take something that is complicated and make it simple for others to understand… so here we go.. I have been called inappropriate for my website, book, the way I communicate online by some very appropriate people.. appropriate meaning they see themselves as suitable for the way they chose to present themselves given the occasion.. to them being conservative is the key to professionalism and success.. but of course they are not artist and free spirits.. they are comfort junkies .. a comfort junky is someone who is uncomfortable with risk; especially social risk, they don’t have the dare devil gene; and that’s ok and all; but… they cannot define people like me within their scope of understanding because it is key-holed. Meaning their scope is to see within the box..fuck they are the box! It’s like looking at an eclipse through the hole in a paper box reflected on a piece of paper for the sake of safety… people like me are the fucking eclipse.. we are the show..

 

So I am appropriating my inappropriate behavior as fucking appropriate to me.. meaning I am taking ownership of the fucking occasion because I am the fucking occasion.. appropriating – taking possession of my fucking self.. what does this fucking mean.. it means I define myself.. thanks and your welcome. This means if it helps you to view me through your key-hole to make you feel more comfortable and safe.. that’s your fucking problem.. or if you have it in you to appropriate yourself and become you own eclipse than more power to you..and it is powerful not to walk within the fences and barriers of social norms and shit just to please other people that are just as miserable as you are for not being able to shine and show their true splendor… because they are too comfortable being bored and boring.. and afraid of standing out..

 

But of course.. well I think is obvious anyway.. but I will write it down… the lesson is for women ..as Goddess stuff is what I do.. that you will always be inappropriate if your not a nice well behaved little ding-bat-eyed little mouse. Double standards and shit.. you cannot win being nice.. so ” Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so damn it I will.” and as we all know ” Well behaved women rarely make history.”.. and if you haven’t noticed I am writing herstory.. and yes I know ” Fuck, Fucking, and Fuck it” are highly inappropriate for a nice girl..but I am a Goddess so FUCK IT!

Single Mother/Struggling Artist

 

At my gym today a friend of mine; who had read my blog and all the nasty comments on my blog..said to me ” Gracie your so brave just laying it all out on the line about everything why don’t you just tell them through a post why you can’t get work outside of your home and what your financial struggles are?” As I talked to her about it I became really sad.. I had to struggle with being even more vulnerable writing this..and actually even thinking about writing this makes me feel depressed.. then later today a friend of mine put a post up on her facebook about struggling artist.. and again I felt compelled to write this post.. even though I am really having to reach deep inside of myself to find the courage through my vulnerability to do this..

I am not able to work because of the way the separation agreement between my ex and I was set up by Fairway Divorce.. my ex has to agree to pay for daycare, he has to agree to pay for extra expenses and he will not set up a parenting plan with me as to when he will see the children.. he sets forth a schedule that he makes up without my input and he changes it at his will. I have filed papers without a lawyer to the court to change this but I have not been given a court date.. I attempted to go back to school about a year and half ago… My lawyer who was working with Fairway Divorce told me he was obligated to pay for the daycare..but she didn’t read the agreement properly.. she burned up $3000 of my money in 6 weeks going back and forth to his lawyer only to have me drop out of classes in the end as I had to pay for the daycare myself..and it broke me in my bank and my spirit at the time.. it was a very dark time for me.. My ex still ownes me $24000 in the spitting of the assets that I have to go after him in court without a lawyer because simply a lawyer’s fees would eat up the assets.. and I would be fighting and stressing for nothing.. I have not gone after the money as of yet as I truly fear him.. I have tried legal aid but I am not poor enough to qualify.. I have a girlfriend that is going through the same thing with a lawyer right now that is breaking her bank and spirit due to the fact that her ex is just as selfish, dangerous and self entitled as mine.. she has parents to help her with the money.. I have no family.

I have no family to help me to watch my kids.. if I were to go to work when they are in school I have no one to go and pick up my youngest from Kindergarten when he has an accident.. his teacher is on her final year ..she will soon retire and I think she is simply tired as she calls up parents to get their kids for every little sniffle..

I have no family..and that for some is hard to understand.. I simply have no one.. no one.

The summer is coming up and my kids will be home for school; if I was to pay for daycare cost myself.. I would simply be working outside of the home to pay for daycare cost.. it’s just that fricken simple.. Even if I did get the subsidy it would cover a fraction of the cost of daycare..and it takes 8 weeks for the subsidy to finally payout the childcare worker..there are few people willing to do that.. it’s is why my daycare quit on me while I was trying to go to college.

I tried to create my own work through the writing of my book and the creation of my website.. I am also trying to work at doing Passion Parties on the weekends I don’t have my kids.. I am doing all that I can to work around this.. but it is difficult..and I am finding the arts and culture in my city to be highly repressive and clicky.. Kelowna is clicky.. it’s not about talent it’s about social status ( connections ) and money.. if you don’t have them you are ignored, shunned and shut out.. I am finding Kelowna to be a total shut out.. I am working so hard by writing on my website as much as possible and doing my best at other online social networking outside of my city..

I am just scraping by financially..and it scares the shit out of me.. I worry and cry myself to sleep some nights.. I have no one to comfort me and tell me it’s going to be OK.. I have no emotional or financial support ( No I am not asking for money, by writing this post.. only sharing my story)

I am working as hard as I can to manifest my big break.. but as we all know sometimes it just doesn’t happen for artist..actually it doesn’t happen often.

I don’t want to be with a man just for money or social connections.. I don’t want to be used or use anyone.. I want love.

I wrote and created my book and website for the love of the arts..

I hope my message in the bottle returns.

Love should create more love.

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