Posts Tagged ‘single mom’

I am to old for this shit

 

The world is totally disconnected and on a smaller scale men and women are totally disconnected, and I am just too old for this shit. It has become much to easy for people to get their fetish kicks off snapchats, Facebook and through online dating apps than to make real, honest and truly intimate, personal connections.. and I am just too old for this shit.  I am too old and wise to go chasing after men and to go bat-shit-crazy over cock, frankly I have better things to do with my time and energy like writing this right now on my blog. I guess the problem is many women think their entire lives and spare time should be spent chasing cocky,cocks and/or competing against other women for said dick.. I am just too damn old for this shit.

As much as I seem like a bad ass rock star for going topless with my images online and having my own personal nudes in my book, I am very low key in my day to day life. I am scheduled and regimented; that means { very strictly organized and controlled } I am a single mother of three kids so in order for me to get my me-time in I damn well better have my shit together. I love my fitness lifestyle and in that I am very military. I could make the time to go out to the clubs to drink and chase after players or wanna-be-players but I would rather get to bed early to get my healing for my muscles so I can lift heavy again the next day. I would rather be spending my time on self improvement rather than being another desperate single older woman sitting on a bar stool. I am not wasting my time, on guys who just want to waste my fucking time.

And then there are vibrators; a very wonderful invention that stops good women from sleeping with assholes, because if you can self pleasure well or amazingly, awesomely well; one can wait for a man to love you rather than to just fuck you and fuck you over. I am very thankful for the invention of vibrators and I think if more women explored their own bodies there would be less desperate women to choose from; so men who play these horseshit games would have to stop games and smarten the fuck up.

One of the craziest things about living in these times of  virtual dating is that both men and women are shamed for saying they want a relationship, as if that makes you desperate and emotionally weak? It’s truly fucked up, just like slut shaming for saying you want and like sex. While wanting and liking sex is a primal need so is wanting a mate. In today’s violent society love and intimacy are seen as weaknesses rather than strengths but being cold and ruthless, self serving or selfish is seen as gangster; and we wonder why the world is totally fucked up right now.. and I am just too old for this shit.

We live in an online world were people can basically pretend to be anything they want; like happily married while they cheat on their spouses. Both men and women can pull off a false persona online while being totally creepy fucktards in person. I have learned not to waste your energy or time texting your heart and emotions to anyone online on a dating site because chances are they are married and want to fuck you secretly or they are just playing ego games with you and will not meet you in person; or when you do meet them in person they don’t want to give you their real name as their motives or intentions were never honest to begin with.

So were does this lead us to again… I am too old for this shit. Do you feel me? It seems like romance is totally dead and in it’s place a false zombie has risen to consume all of our souls. It remindes me of my ex husband’s midlife crisis, it was like ” Where is my husband and what have you done with him, you evil demon?” That is dating and romance today; it is humanity today, it seems our souls and hearts have been consumed with Snapchat filters, dating apps and online profiles that are absolute bullshit.

So what choices does that give me as a non cock chaser? Guess I better get used to the fact that I am going to be alone in the middle of the night writing on my blog….because I am too old for this shit, and too fucking wise.

The story of the runaway horse

 

My son really wanted me to write this story down.. as we were waiting for an hour in the car, staying out of the rain.. waiting for his big sisters to get out of middle school and high school..he asked me ” Mom what is the scariest ride you have ever been on. When we were at the IPE this weekend dad said that when he was married to you, that you liked to go on all the scary rides?” I said to my son ” The scariest ride I have ever been on was on the back of a runaway horse named Silver.” and since we had time to kill I entertained my son with the entire story.

I was 13; I had a pony named George..and to keep him I did trade work for a local horse breeder. I would shovel poop; haul water, feed, groom and work the horses..that’s how I kept Georgey in style. Silver was a 2 y/0 Arabian/Quarter cross.. and yes he was silver.. he was shiny and very sassy. One of Silver’s favorite tricks was to kick up his hide legs and fart poop bombs.. it was hilarious..except for when he was successful.. then it was just gross..and he would actually celebrate when he got you..by snorting, prancing to the side and flicking his head backwards to get a good look at your shock and rage.. he was a sassy bastard.. My George liked to bite…and Silver like to launch his shit..between the two of them .. I always had to have my game face on..

I learned all about the birds and the bees working for a breeder.. and I learned about money.. The most expensive horses were inseminated .. It was an exciting day in horse breeder world when I was allowed to watch a pair mate.. I got to watch with some of the richest people in the business.. they played classical music and drank expensive wine ( at 13 I didn’t get all the fuss ) but the horses that were allowed to do it..did it tethered and padded up.. they didn’t want any rips, bruises or any injuries on the top quality Arabian race horses.. the adults acted like I was being let in on some very special ritual..it made me feel special and very grown up..but back to Silver..

Mr. Jones had taught me how to feed Silver a training halter..and he guided me in learning how to guide Silver with just a light touch of a training whip..and so I began to work him in circles around the small coral.. Silver and I started to bond..but he was still cheeky.. he was always trying to pin me up against the fence..I am sure just for kicks.. Mr. Jones was trying to break him into a saddle..and so he would tie Silver to the fence and lean on his back.. eventually he was able to get up on his back and ride him bare back around the coral.. then he would have me sit on Silver while he would lead him around the coral by the reins.. by the end of summer I was taking Silver myself out into the bigger more open coral and riding him bareback.. Mr. Jones said he was almost ready to saddle.. but Silver had a wild spirit and so it was taking a lot longer for him to break ..Mr. Jones couldn’t give him to the guy who had bought him until he was ready.

But one day I was a little too brave .. A little too foolish with Silver.. It was bright and late in the morning. I had cleaned about 10 stalls..groomed the horses and now I was leading them into the bigger coral to work them.. I was riding my pony George and leading Silver by the reins.. Silver was in a great mood..he was behaving.. he wasn’t prancing about and launching shit balls..and so I had this great idea that I would just hop on him bareback and ride him to the larger coral. He was great at first.. He let me get right up..and I had my George’s reins as well.. it was September.. just like it is right now.. September 1983.. The morning was turning to afternoon and the sun felt so nice on my hair..so warm and soothing..and riding Silver bareback felt nice and warm and soothing too.. I was so relaxed.. it felt great to ride and relax after shoveling shit all morning…and throwing buckets of water on the stalls to clean them.. but then a stick .. a big black stick surfaced in a puddle..and Silver spooked.. First he side stepped..and George’s reins slipped out of my hands…and Silver’s reins were only in one hand..as he BOLTED!!!

All I could do was hang on for my very life.. there wasn’t any thinking.. only surviving..He dashed down the dirt road..and he ran..and ran and ran.. I couldn’t get the reins under control without loosing my grip on his mane .. all I could do was grab his mane and inch up to sit up as close to his neck as I could.. I couldn’t even look or see were we were going.. and I used all my thigh muscles to cling to him.. my long hair whipped me in the face….and got stuck in my open mouth..choking me..then his mane whipped into my eyes as I tucked in as close to him as possible.. by instinct I knew I had to make myself as tiny as possible..because we were entering the woods.. and he could easily rub me off on a tree or two.. I felt him leap over bushes.. leap and leap..but all I could do was hang on.. and I felt branches hit me.. I felt my hair being pulled out by branches..but I couldn’t even scream..I just hung on.. there was no thinking.. and it seemed like the ride lasted forever.. I felt my legs ache and cramp ..and that is when he finally started to get tired and slow down.. just when I thought I had nothing left.. he slowed to a prance..and then a walk.. and then finally Silver stopped.. I raised me head from his neck and main.. my hair was tangled into his mane from the wind and branches.. My hands were locked into his mane in a death grip.. my hands hurt..as he started to shake his neck..because I am sure my grip was hurting him.. I couldn’t get off him right away because my legs were numb from clenching my thighs so tightly to him.. and when I did dismount ..I fell down on my knees.. I was totally drained..and I was numb with shock..he looked down at me and snorted..almost like he was saying ” Sorry about that.” we both just stared at each other..then he started to much on some greens..

Then I had to pee really bad..I was so happy I hadn’t peed my pants..I thought to myself ” Most grownups would of peed their pants” with that thought I went in the bushes.. and as all my senses came to me I realized were were probably 10 miles into the bush..so I had no other choice but to get right back up on Silver and ride him out of the bush.. and that’s how Mr.Jones and some of his employees found me when they came looking for us.. They were happy to find me alive..they couldn’t believe a little girl like me had the strength to hang on that long.. and Mr.Jones said to me .. a few days later.. after he got over being pissed at me for being so foolish.. he said ” Seeing you ride him out of the bush after that, was one of the bravest things I have ever seen little lady.”

And that fall Silver got saddled up and shipped off to his new home.. I never saw my wild friend again.. but what a ride! HYO Silver!

Over him

 

It’s such a wonderful liberating moment when you realize you are fully over a guy. I was putting on my makeup at the gym this morning after a brutal workout.. one leg up high on the counter like a dancer..as a song came on and he suddenly burst into my mind.. of course it was the song that was playing when I met him.. but as he entered my mind with the song I realized I hadn’t thought of him for a long time..and that is when I knew I was over him… then my mind went back to the few men that I have encountered over the last several years; after my separation and divorce..and I relished at the thoughts of being over them too..and then in my mind I thanked my ex husband’s mistress for taking him off my hands..I began to be really honest with myself..and my own bullshit.

I really like my freedom right now.. I think I always did..as soon as the ex left.. I think my spirit soared even though my heart was broken by the rejection..but I think subconsciously I drove him away.. because he was boring LOL LOL LOL and he wasn’t very smart.. he was awful in bed..he was boring in bed too!… I think it was a sweet self-sabotage .. that was really like a prison run!

And now here I am.. an independent single mom..and yes sometimes it’s scary.. it’s a lot of work..and I do get lonely.. and because I am not the type that sees sex as recreation .. I really miss having sex ..but I have learned about my own body and I am really good at pleasuring myself.. waaaaaaaaaaaay better than my ex ( hahaha ) my sex life got a lot better without him in the room.. but ya know the few guys that I have been with since then..{ very disappointing }.. and if they were half decent in bed they weren’t out of the bedroom.. having a guy fuck with your head, energy and time just isn’t worth it.. so truly there hasn’t been one guy to this date that has been worth giving up my single life for.. but now I love being alone.

I love that feeling of getting over a guy.. just walking away.. closing that emotional door..and bolting for the open meadows.. fuck it! Like the runaway bride.. I don’t ever want a traditional relationship again.. I don’t want the wedding.. I don’t want to be WIFEY .. GAWD NO!  I am really not keen on meeting his mother either.. I don’t want to be whittled way by a guy ever again.. they do this thing; where they slowly try to change you into their MOTHER! NOOOoooooooooooo! You see it all the time.. a woman that is hot and sexy gets into a relationship…gets engaged..and then she starts to get motherly looking..she starts to dress more conservatively or motherly..or just fucking frumpy .. then she starts to get lumpy ( fat ) and out of shape..and she starts to loose herself in his life! GAWD NO! She starts to loose her metaphorical voice..she tones it down.. dumbs herself down.. his opinion becomes hers! FUCK! Cause guys like kind women.. doormats to marry LOL! So he domesticates her with guilt trips and hidden agendas..and constantly compares her to his friends wives and his fucking mother. And 5 years later she looks in the mirror and sees a stranger.. she says ” Who the fuck am I ?”

I can be kind..but I can be a little, wild bitch..and ya know what..I like both sides of myself.. I like my wild, little, bitch, badass.. tell it like it is..give it to you strait up ..wild child self..and when I am in the mood to bake or cook and sing and be like Disney I do..but fuck being a doormat ..fuck dumbing myself down for some guy who is a big baby.. who can’t get over his mommy.. fuck that!

I am so over that guy.. calling him a pussy is a complement.. pussy are awesome.. he is an asshole.. I am over him.

If a guy is going to enter my life.. he is going to be intelligent, emotionally mature.. he doesn’t have to be rich or be super hot.. just my kinda hot.. my kinda wild fire.. and he isn’t going to be some boring shit.

I can’t see me sitting at charity events.. with some boring rich bastard.. nor can I see me tolerating Mr.Charming and tolerating his incessant need for public adoration.. I need a man who has a wild roaming spirit..someone to challenge me.. mentally.. not some boring, big baby ego maniac.

Or maybe once again this is my own bullshit.. maybe secretly I am like the wind.. nothing and no one can hold me in..tie me down .. maybe I am like my native grandfather.. I am gypsy.. I am just gonna follow the moon and the stars..

It’s a mystery even to me?

In a world of my own

 

I found my happiness… it was in acceptance. My dream about Albert Einstein helped me to become conscious of the unconsciousness of others around me..and that I cannot help them.. it is what it is. I had to learn the hard way.. like Alice falling down the rabbit hole and then attending the Mad Hatters tea party.. she realized they were all mad and incapable of seeing or becoming aware of their own madness..and so she had to leave them to it… and so I am. I had to go out into the mad world of my local community and try to attempt to be a part of society; to see that I don’t want to be a part of it.. I want to be a part from it.. I want none of it. It’s funny that they thought I was causing drama because I was drawn into their dramas.. but such is madness..

But one day.. just the other day, as I lay on the grass listening to my son’s joyous laughter..and the laugher of the other children.. I realized that I liked this world so much better.. that there is happiness in letting go of caring what other people think of you..and I realized I wasn’t ever meant to fit in to their world… my level of consciousness is much nicer..and my nightly dreams are now getting even more trippy as I let go and just go with it.. my mind is free of them and their babble,, my spirit is soaring once more… and I am back.. back to myself..and I know now what happiness is.. it’s finding yourself.. your inner bliss.. it’s the love of the simple, sweet moments I spend with my kids.. it’s my workouts,, it’s cooking wonderful organic meals… and sunrises and sunsets.. it’s writing here on my blog..it’s putting paint on canvas.. it’s the deep conversations I have with my teenage daughters about growing into womanhood..

I feel down the rabbit hole..and I fell for the madness.. but now I am back to my senses..and back to myself..and I realize now I shouldn’t of ever trusted madness to define consciousness..there is madness of doing and doing and getting nowhere..but right back were you started…and then there is the good crazy.. and that is being in a world of my own.. the place deep inside of myself.. were I make magic into art.. I give method to madness..now that is my kind of crazy..

let them have their nonsense.. it’s a long road to nowhere..

I will be baking pumpkin pie :) and enjoying life

No Momma’s Boys

 

The typical Momma’s Boy is raised by a single mother ( I am a single mother; my son is 8 ) so I have to be very careful not to raise my son to be emotionally dependent on me. That’s the problem with this guy; his emotional house is filled by his unhealthy emotional dependency on his mother.

The Momma’s Boy has a boyish charm about him; he seems to love women and he has insider information about women because his mother didn’t set healthy emotional boundaries about her own internal emotional life.. she put her son in the emotional position that she would of a lover. It’s sad but true for both of them; that neither of them will have healthy relationships with the opposite sex unless they become awakened towards their unhealthy patterns of emotional dependency… When the son finds a mate; the relationship ends up being another flash in the pan.. it quickly dies because his girlfriend cannot make a deep intimate connection with him..because his mother has taken up that place in his heart.. but the same goes for the mother.. she is too involved emotionally in her son’s life..so when she finds a man; when he attempts to set the boundaries; she sees him as a threat to her son and so the relationship ends quickly.. sometimes with great negative intensity.

I was in a relationship with a Momma’s Boy when I was 18; he was 22.. his mother would say things like ” Does she have to know what we are talking about?” ” Why is she always here?”.. she would come to his house and clean..do his laundry.. fold it.. bring him his favorite food.. etc.. etc.. but she herself couldn’t hold onto a relationship with a grown man..as they got sick of her meddling shit. Over time he did detach somewhat from his mother..but his dependency of his mother soon moved him to his dependency on the bottle.. I watched him drink beer like he was sucking on a breast.. I left him..

How do you know he is a Momma’s Boy before you get too emotionally attached to him?

He usually hasn’t had any long term relationships.. a 2 year relationship is a long term relationship for him

He lives in his glory days.. he is always talking about when he was kid; what his momma taught him

His mom is always cleaning his house and cooking for him

He needs his mother’s advice all the time

His ex girlfriends warn you

He has secret ex girlfriends because he didn’t want his mother to know about the BAD girls

He is selfish, self absorbed and egotistical ( a little brat )

Is so irresponsible emotionally he can’t even take care of pet on his own

Doesn’t want to be a father because he likes his SON or boyishness status

He is in his 30 and 40s and still dresses like teenager and acts like one.. he is so cool ya know!

He is so hip and cool all the time.. even in his online communications..it’s all hip slang

 

What can you do about it? Nothing.. nope just move on..go and find yourself a gown ass man!

Momma has ruined her boy.. he will be in his 60s and she in her 80s.. and she will be at the grocery store buying his favorite jam..because he likes Smuckers ya know!

Mother’s Day & The Single Mom Struggle

 

I used this image of myself because one of the first things I faced becoming a single mom.. by my exes midlife crisis choices ( that I obviously couldn’t control, nor am I responsible for ) well one of the first things I faced was family members, old friends and even society expecting me, to divorce my own sexuality away from my motherhood.. just like we divorced away the marriage .. [ I like how marriage sounds like mirage ] because it wasn’t real to him. But back to divorcing away my own sexuality. I think it’s because people view sexy mom’s as loose welfare bums; it’s a stigma. Many married women have said to me ” OMG if my ex died, left me or had an affair I wouldn’t ever date again, I wouldn’t ever have sex again. I couldn’t do that to my kids and I just couldn’t imagine dating again or having sex with anyone else.” Mind you I felt that way at first too; the first year I grieved hard, the second year I became curious and by the third year I was really horny. Nature is what nature is; and time may not heal intense heartache but it sure helps. Now when I hear women say that to me I could just scream. They don’t know what they don’t know.. and I find it to be an insensitive selfish statement..almost.. a ” Look at me I am married, I am having sex { it might not be great sex; stats show it’s not..but it’s not the nothing I am getting or the guilt trips I get for wanting it } and I have a man to fix the car, put lotion on my back and go on date nights with.” well fuck you too!

One of the most difficult things about being a sexy single mom.. is being seen as a perceived threat as a potential husband thief. I really hate that! My ex cheated on me, so why would I want to be with a cheater; and it’s not a complement it’s an insult. It’s saying I have no morals or ethics.. then I think ” Why did you marry him then?” and ” Stop putting your fucking marital problems onto me I have enough fucking problems of my own.”

I also think that I scare married women because they fear they could just as easily be me.. and they could. It’s a more intense struggle for me vs some single moms that have their parents and other family members to help them. I don’t have that luxury; I have to save every penny; I have to keep a little extra for emergencies. When my car breaks down I don’t have parents to call and help me. I think my situation scares the shit out of many married women. I think that is why they blame me for my predicament.. it gives them a sense of control; if they can exclude fate or the fact that they cannot control what their husbands may or many not do to them it makes them feel better. So it’s easy to resent single mothers; when you are a married woman fearing the same fate.

My fault was that I couldn’t turn myself into the imaginary perfect bitch my ex had in his head. I failed miserably at behaving myself; I talked back and gave him shit when he treated me like shit. I guess I wasn’t submissive enough. I am too much of a rebel, I am too smart, I am too energetic , I think for myself..and I just didn’t worship him like the god he thought himself to be.. yup it was totally my fault!

This single mom gig.. it’s tough. I do break down in tears from loneliness. I cannot have some jerk around my kids; or me for that matter. I cannot allow myself to be depleted by some arrogant know-it-all again. Casual sex is just heartbreaking; so it’s complicated. My body longs to be touched lovingly and I long for rough sex too.. it’s horrible sometimes..it’s torture sometimes. It’s very sad.

I wish I had someone to take care of me once-in-awhile ..and I wish I had someone to take care of..some times the longing feels like it will kill me. It’s been over 6 years now; I never thought it would be this long; I have had many guys interested in me; but there isn’t that spark ( I don’t want to make the same mistake I made last time, I don’t trust myself )

My ex is such a dick that he schedules all his weekends without consulting me; even though he was ordered to in court; but going back to court is horrible. There are so many sexist, dick head judges that talk to single moms as if we are criminals..anyway the ex scheduled his weekend to be with the kids on Mother’s Day again.. for the 6th year in a row. I told him I am keeping the kids. Now he has told me it might be weeks till he sees them again { because he thinks he can punish me by disobeying his mighty orders.. see I just cannot obey } But as a single mom; I am making us breakfast tomorrow. We are going to have ham, pancakes and scrambled eggs.. then we are going to be ultra lazy until noon..then go out and play in the sun..

I hope the car starts Monday :) Monday..back to the mechanics.. fuck

Married again?

 

After my nasty divorce; after having been married to selfish, mean man, I never thought I would ever consider marriage again. I realize now it’s because I have been afraid the same thing would happen..because I would unknowingly attract the same sort of man into my life again. More than it wasn’t; I didn’t trust men or ever hated men, it was that I didn’t trust myself. Back then I didn’t have the sense of self worth that I have today. I didn’t love myself. I found it very difficult to be alone, I was lonely alone with myself; not anymore. I really enjoy my own company. I take good care of myself for myself. I am not desperately seeking anyone or anything. I haven’t given up on love I just understand what love is now. I know the difference between, romantic love, lust and passion vs an endearing long lasting love. I don’t date men whom I don’t think qualify as long lasting.. meaning I don’t go on many dates. I am selective.. I am looking for quality but not perfection.

I am not qualifying men by looks or money alone; I am looking for a man with heart and soul.

When I do meet him many things will be different from my first marriage.. not just that he isn’t my ex.. but we both will be mature. There will be no babies, no toddlers.. we will have more freedom to do other things. It’s an entirely new dynamic.

I am a different person than I was way back in 1997 when I met my ex husband. I was in a rush, I was 27 and I wanted a family.. I wanted babies and so I overlooked many of his flaws that were more like red flags. He took no responsibility for his short comings, he blamed others for his faults and weaknesses instead of facing them head on and dealing with them. He didn’t want to cook or do any domestic chores; he was controlling. My fault was giving myself away; being too willing to throw myself at his feet because I wanted to be a mother and he was willing to be a father. I have grown so much as a person. I know who I am ..and I know that my strengths can also be my weaknesses. I am very passionate, high spirited, dramatic, emotional, a nonconformist. I need someone who can stand up to me but also let me go .. set me free, accept the artistic, sexy little freak in me.. I know it’s a lot to ask for.. to find that in a man, and to be attracted to him physically, mentally, emotionally and soulfully.. that’s why I am still single!

But I believe for the right guy I could commit for the long term.. I think what is meant to be will be, when it is meant to happen it just will..

I think that putting romance into perspective is the key; it isn’t just about a pretty ceremony .. ( although I would love that again ) it’s about looking at things long term.. being best friends is the key.. knowing you have each others backs equally..

Life is to short to be bitter and to not hold out hope for someone and something better.

The Single Mom Struggle

 

My rose colored glasses have fallen off my face once again. When you’r a single mom and an artist you don’t get to stay in the rosy glow long enough. So what happened today? Were do I start..?

I have this fucking car.. it has some fucking problems that I cannot seem to get a permanent fix for.. electrical problems that they cannot seem to nail down. This is what happens to the fucking car. The throttle starts to drop from highs to lows.. up and down ..and then I know something shitty is starting to happen.. then the wipers come on by themselves when I start the car, then the radio changes stations,, then it turns off an on by it’s self when I start the fucking car.. then a few days later a bulb that I have just had replaced again! ,,it fucking burns out.. then I know for sure the car is about to go through an electrical shit storm..so I take it in.. they hook up to the computer.. nothing.. just something reading on the throttle.. but I am told the electrical crackling sounds I am hearing from the steering wheel are just cracked plastics rubbing together when I turn the wheel.. so I am like ” OK” leave.. drive the fucking car around for a few weeks.. then the back light burns out that I just had replaced.. then it starts making the weird clicking sounds and the front lights flicker even though they are turned off.. So I am like ” Fucking car.” Then it did it today.. ( electrical shit storm from hell ) lucky for me my kids were with the ex still.. and I had just driven into town from being up in the mountains hiking.. cause the throttle went fucking nuts.. turned right up.. the lights were flashing and the dash was clicking and the steering wheel was crackling like a fucking gawd damn nightmare.. meanwhile I am trying to calmly pull into the grocery store parking lot.. while trying not to panic and have a fucking heart attack .. did that.. got the car in a fucking stall.. didn’t run anyone over with the throttle thrusting the car forward.. parked the fucking car.. left it in park but still running to get out to look at the lights flashing like a son-of-a-bitch.. so I went to the dash and turned the fucking head lights all the way on.. it stopped clicking for a few seconds..then it fucking died.. yup.. just fucking died,, the car had a fucking heart attack… fuck!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

So I went into the grocery store.. did the shopping.. sucked up my panic and tears.. didn’t cry.. got it done.. called a cab.. told one of my mom friends as I took the groceries out of the cab.. ” My car broke down again” paid the cabby and then went inside and cried and screamed..and cried and screamed and cried and cried and cried.. because I am so fucking mad and because it makes me feel so vulnerable because I don’t have family to help me and because I saved up some fucking money.. and now I have to spend the fucking money on what is or was suppose to be fixed the last 4x I took the fucking car into have them fix the fucking car.. FUCKING CAR!

On top of all that.. my ex wouldn’t keep the kids an extra day..even though he has the day off.. just to be a prick.. and he sent our son home from his house for the 3rd time with living lice in his hair.. each time I clean him up he comes home with living lice in his hair..and each time my ex doesn’t tell me he has it..but my 7 year old son brings it up over dinner.. all innocent to his dad’s conniving bullshit.. seems he likes the thought of sending his son to his ex wife infected with lice.. cause it’s funny to make me suffer..and it doesn’t seem to matter to him that he is making his little boy suffer to make his mother suffer.. so as you can imagine this time my text messages were not polite at all.. nope.. the went like this ” What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking insane? You don’t deserve your kids asshole.” now that is some hard cold single mom reality..

Then the memory of when I bought the fucking car.. you see he set out some dumb ass stipulation in the settlement of the assents that if I didn’t purchase a car with in the week of him giving me a part of the monies from the sale of the marital home that he wouldn’t give me the other monies from the other assets.. so I rushed out to buy the fucking car..not having a male friend or relative with me to help me get past the sleazy used car sales men that will sell a single mom a lemon with no remorse what so ever.. and that is the shit that happened..and so the anger in me burned to a rising crescendo.. so intense I thought I was going to blast off!

Thank gawd for other single mom friends..and single dad friends that helped to talk me off the ceiling .. cause holy fuck!

The prevailing thought had by us all..” We need a good drunk!”

I don’t drink often but when I do.. it’s because of.. the single mom struggle.

Fucking CAR!

Just another bad date…

 

It started out well enough..

We met at a local coffee shoppe.. I liked his eyes.. his smile.. he was very intelligent.. intellectual actually.. clean.. presentable.. and he looked at me with appreciation .. like he was very attracted to me..

We stood in the line-up for a while talking.. It was great.. but then when he paid from my chai tea.. he complained to the girl about the cost.. then as we went to pic up or teas at the other end.. he asked exactly how much mine cost vs his.. then jokingly complained again about me being expensive..then he complained again! ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this you sound cheap..and it’s rude)

We then found a table of his choice.. as he wanted to sit at the table were he was closer to me.. I wanted the comfy arm chairs..

Then he told me about how much he liked my book.. but then he went on about how bad the photography was compared to what he could do.. ( even though when reading my book it was clearly stated that I kept the images imperfect so that every woman could relate as The Goddess) he stated he knew that but he wanted to see ” Better” images of me..and that clearly I could model for better pictures.. I suppose this could be taken as a complement yet it was not a complement, towards the work and meaning of my writing.. Then he showed me the models on his phone that he had taken images of.. then he told me which ones he had .. had sex with during the shoots ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this..as this is clearly in poor taste.. he may of being trying to impress me with the quality of women that he could get to sleep with him, but I found it rude and it grossed me out.. not mention very unprofessional) He told me he could do better images of me.. and would I pay him to do them or make some sort of trade for them..I told him I don’t sleep with men for favors… to make that quite clear…and put on the spot I told him I would think about it…

He then went in to his veganism.. he was very passionate about this.. and during the discussion ( there really wasn’t a discussion) he became very condescending .. he started to talk to me as if I was a small ignorant child when I questioned him about his facts.. when I asked him about soya protein and it’s health issues and then asked him were he got his protein he became very defensive and very annoyed with me.. even angry.. When I told him I believed that animals were being farmed unethically .. and that I agreed with hunting for food.. and clean ethical kills.. and free-range and organics.. he asked me would I think it was OK if someone raped and murdered me? That one shocked me!

He told me a deer isn’t food for a mountain lion.. that it wasn’t put on this earth to be hunted and killed by other animals..when I told him animals eat meat.. I asked him about the ecosystem ? The nature of life and cycles and such things.. I told him your asking nature to rearrange it’s self towards your theories.. asked him what he thought of that? He became more defensive and clung to his studies and theories. I told him I wasn’t dismissing what he was saying only attempting to discuss science, evolution, nutrition, nature, the animal kingdom, instincts.. etc.. and that I was open to what he was saying only that we should always look at things with objectification.. I asked to change the subject.. he wouldn’t change the subject.. I asked him if he did this with all of his dates.. if he was trying to convert them to veganism? He then became even more frustrated and decided he had other things to do… but prior he had planned to spend the entire afternoon with me.. but I was glad that he had other things to do now. I didn’t loose my temper once.. but I found myself counting to 10-30-60 at times.. I was so controlled..

So we ended the coffee date early ( thank GOD!) As I walked away from him I was like sooooooo glad to get away.. I thought to myself ” WTF was that?!?”

I walked away wide -eyed in disbelieve of my fucking luck on dating..

Then I went on a long drive down a country road..and stopped at my favorite place by the lake ..and looked at the deer poop and thought.. “if I was going to be eaten for meat.. just free range me like the deer ok..then one clean shot..and we are good..”

But nature is what nature is.. mankind just has a responsibility to treat animals with respect like other animals treat other animals with respect.. it’s like ” You go about your business.. like your life in your natural state..and then we will do what nature does..but respect the freedom of the life we have while we have it”

After that I went to the grocery store and got myself some free range organic steak.. and then the health food store to get my whey powder and protein bars..

So ya.. he may not be a Christian fundamentalist and claims to detest religion..

So he doesn’t want a good Christian Girl..but he needs a good Vegan Girl who will do as she is told..

And that isn’t me..

So glad I am home alone..

A nightmare date

 

Ok so follow me on this one.. I am going to be digressing and messing around with your ability to keep track of my spastic thoughts..

I was trail running this morning.. being December I was running over frozen mud and patches of ice trying to keep up my momentum without falling on my ass.. and as usual I was thinking. I am always thinking.. it’s exhausting..seriously wish I could take my brain out of my head and put it on ice. I need a vacation from my brain… anyway.. I was pushing myself though the end of my 15 km run..the last 3 km being the hardest..{thinking} bout people that push themselves to finish.. Steve Jobs flashed into my mind..then the poem ” The Crazy One’s” cause I am crazy one.. I was running 15 km in Dec ( she says sarcastically ) .. or < insert sarcasm here > but then I remembered the DATE.. ” Oh shit.. I believed that jerk for this entire time.. that was like 4 years ago..and I am so gullible I believed him up til this flash of sudden fucking awareness” You see he got me all worked up by telling me he wrote that poem for Steve Jobs ..and I believed him.. he went so far as to pretend to complete the rest of the poem..and I believed him.. gawd I am just too innocent and trusting for my own good.. stupid little Polly-Anna!

you can click on the Steve Jobs image to enlarge it if you like…

I thought this guy was a genius… but in a way he was.. very manipulative..smart enough to see that I was new to dating..newly separated and so I was like live bait… *sigh*

He put Steve Jobs in my head.. he was also an older man.. his pictures on the dating site were great..he kinda had a Spock/Steve thingy going on for him. Chatting with him on the site.. he was very intelligent. He said he was in a rehabilitation center for sleeping pill addiction.. that his work caused him great stress.. and I believed him; because my divorce lawyer had gone through the same thing. But my lawyer was a great guy, had his shit together so I figured this guy was in the same league .. I was so wrong. Your going to laugh at how wrong I was. I was wronger than wrong. I must of been insane.

We then talked for hours on the phone. I thought I was in love with his mind. I loved our conversations about physics/ quantum theory .. religion.. politics.. human rights..and sex. Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy with a huge brain; a distinguished-ness.. or class. Within a couple of weeks of texting and talking on the phone I was ready to meet him. He just had to finish his rehab..

He took a bus to meet me because he said he had to renew his licence..but couldn’t since being in rehab..but he couldn’t wait to meet me. I was so excited! I thought I was going to meet the love of my life. I really truly did. I thought ” This it!”  [ I was so fucking dumb ] Oh my GAWD my dumb blond was showing!

I had planned to have him over to my place for dinner. I was going to pick him up from the Greyhound.. then have him over for dinner..than take him to his Hotel.. but this is what happened instead.. brace yourselves..

The man who got off the bus was not him.. it just wasn’t him ( he had used someone else’s picture ) He sorta looked like him..but he wasn’t him .. the guy who got off the bus.. had a hunched back  —I am not fucking kidding— He had warts all over his face and neck..and hands —I am not fucking kidding— his clothes were worn out.. his sneakers.. yes they were sneakers.. looked like they were 20 years old going by fashion. He talked like a girl — I am not fucking kidding— he looked like the kinda weirdo that masturbated in public washrooms. { Ok now I am so ashamed } not only that..but when I started putting things together in my head it dawned on me rather suddenly that he wasn’t in rehab.. and why he didn’t have a car.. because he was a mental patient on a short leave… It was so HORRIBLE!

You are probably thinking. ” How could he be so smart but be ( I gotta say it ) one of The Crazy One’s?”

Because some of the craziest people are very brilliant.. true story..but incapable of living with the public because of chemical imbalances that cause them to be a harm to themselves or others.. he was that..and it was shocking to me how I had been such a tool myself. I was so fooled ..if I only knew then what I know now about dating and online dating..

We sat side by side in the Greyhound terminal for about 15 mins. I told him as kindly but as honestly that I could that he couldn’t come to my place for dinner.. I asked him were his Hotel was..and told him I would drive him to it. He told me he thought he was staying with me..that he didn’t have any money at all; only a 2 way ticket back to his ” rehab” the next day. I ended up putting him up at an expensive Hotel myself because it was one of the few available; because of a sporting even in town.. it was pricey..I paid for my stupidity..

Not only did I pay for my stupidity with the Hotel room and a very rude awakening to my too innocent and trusting nature ( that could get me in serious trouble ) but I also paid in cell phone bills..my phone wasn’t hooked up to .. wifi

So ya… reality bites!

I haven’t been on online dating for a long time.. just started again in the last couple of weeks..got sorta stood up for dinner tonight by a guy asking me to pay because his soon to be ex-wife just emptied the accounts and cleaned off the credit cards.. guess who passed up that?

I think the world is full of BAT-SHIT CRAZY

 

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