Posts Tagged ‘self acceptance’

Chiron Tears

 

Sometimes there is a gift or two in sadness, suffering and sorrow. We are a society that is constantly searching outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment. But what if it is the constant searching that makes us unhappy? We are always waiting for a better tomorrow and a brighter day but when we do this, we are not being in the moment or being present in our truth ,and the reality that we are currently facing. I have been doing this by telling myself that when I meet my soul mate my life will begin again. I have put myself in a frozen holding pattern by telling myself I will not be fulfilled unless a man loves me romantically again. I have wanted to prove to my ex husband that I am lovable by finding a man to love me the way he refused to do. But then if I believe this I am not loving myself and I will not be loving the man I could be with. I would just be in love with love or romantic notions rather than with myself or with the person that I am with.

I have been doing this with my book as well. Telling myself my life will begin as soon as I reach the success of having a publishing house publish me, and by reaching public notice, that my life will then begin. But the truth is my life and I have always been here this entire 8 years since my husband left me with our three kids. The truth is just the fact that I wrote a book and self published the bo0k has been a level of success that few people ever reach. The truth is that happiness has not evaded me but I have been finding excuses to ignore it.

I learned this lesson from the last man I dated just a few days ago. I fell into the online fantasy again and did what I said I would never do. That was texting and face timing with a man for hours before meeting with him in person to see if there was a physical connection. In the last 8 years of my single life it has always ended badly. You see it is easy to construct a romantic fantasy online. It is easy for men and women to profess to be much more online than in person. It is like building a castle in the clouds. It is nothing but fantasy that cannot be in reality. When I was on my way to meet him I felt a deep sadness because inside I knew what was going to happen. It crashed and burned. He told me he didn’t find me attractive by text message afterwards. I felt the fall again. The fall from the castle in the clouds. I went over everything he said to me in my head ” I really feel like something amazing is happening between us, something very special.” that’s what he said; and I fell for it like a total fool. Like I said, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I have had so many of these meet up dates over the last 8 years I can’t possiblily remember them all, it must be over 100. Yet here I was falling into the same patterns of longing and yearning for the fantasy man who would ride in on his white horse and save me from loneliness.

One of my worst fears is dying before I am loved by a man

But then what if I drop the false hope? What if I drop the yearning and the longing and I let myself fall deeply into the wound of loneliness? What if I stay in the wound for awhile and explore the pain? What happens when I just allow myself to be in the reality of being alone? What if there is never going to be anyone? Can I be happy just being alone? Can I learn to except myself as the loner, weird artist, spiritualist that has always never fit in? What if I just accept the reality of the place that I am? It’s drinking my tears to heal my wound because the wounds of abandonment cannot be healed if I keep abandoning myself in this loneliness. And that is the gift in the suffering, itis  learning to accept myself as I am, it is learning that real love isn’t a fantasy and anyone that tries to sell you on a fantasy isn’t looking for the real thing; and wouldn’t know the real thing if they think a fantasy is love. Because real love is accepting yourself and others for all their imperfections and wierdness. I was willing to look past his imperfections but he was not willing to do the same. Sometimes it is better to be alone. I felt myself fall and get pulled down by crashing reality because I allowed the fable.

Sometimes being hopefull is actually being in denial because my heart knew and my intuition knew exactly what was about to happen because my subconscious was waking up to my denial. So there is no fairytale ending but there is a real and honest happiness in facing the truth. No one can make me happy but me and no one can heal my emotional pain and wounds but me. My happiness is my responsibility, moment to moment because the moment is all we have.

My book is available on amazon.com ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ by Gracie Ackerman

The Goddess

Venus is the other side of Artemis; she is the softer side of the huntress. All of the Goddess archetypes are present in all women; but they all ad up to one Great Goddess, just as one great woman expresses her many Inner Goddesses through her daily life or at different times in her life she may express one Goddess more strongly than others. The injured Venus exists in many women today; the woman with the Inner Injured Venus is sexually inhibited by religion and the sexual repression put on women to be nice; to be good girls. Many women are sexually injured due to sexual harassment, rape and slut shaming..and so their Inner Venus is like a seed inside of them that has yet to take up root, grow and bloom.. many sexually injured women must first heal themselves by finding the root cause of the sexual injury..and then they have to give themselves tender loving care.. healing starts with self love and self acceptance.. many women have yet to embrace their own flesh and sexuality past social stigmas so that they can let their Inner Venus rise like the phoenix.. as women we need to feel and be safe to express our Divine Feminine.. so it is that we need men to rise into their Divine Masculine and protect and honor; respect and uphold the Inner Venus in each woman so that she may rise into her Divinity..and with that he rises also.. because the archetype of Venus is so buried and shamed in modern day patriarchial society.. the world has become a brutal, ugly and cold place.. we need her; her love and beauty to bring us to grace.

From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine~ Available on Amazon.ca

Venus

 

Goddess of love and beauty; she represents the feminine charm and emotions.  Venus is the queen of seduction; with the magic of her charms she turns animal lust into romance and love. She takes a man’s heart with her innocence and sensuality. To the cold hard world she brings softness and tenderness.

 

She is the Goddess that rings in the spring; she represents fertility and joy; the joy that only love can bring. She is born from the foam of the sea; this shows that she is deep with emotion and quite unfathomable to the male understanding. She is an emotional mystery.

 

Venus is proud and dignified; the Golden Goddess as she shines with her attractiveness; charming men so intensely it is as if they have been filled with venom; filled with a sweet seductive poison. The poison of her charms arouses men, causing them to be won over in spite of themselves. This is the man struck with love; like the love of Cupid’s arrows, struck so hard he walks in circles, this is what sweet Venus does to him.

 

She causes men to become aroused with one look or just one sound; the smell of her perfume drives him wild and with one gentle touch he is brought down.  Venus needs him to worship her; she needs him to swoon at her touch; she loves his love and his lust.

 

She seeks a man that is her direct opposite; as she is soft she needs a man that is a strong masculine man; to her, his masculinity makes her feel even more feminine and desired; she loves to watch him make love to her. Venus loves to temper his lust; as she fills life with her beautiful touch. She loves beauty so much that she surrounds her world and his with art; music and good food. Venus thrives in the differences of the sexes.

 

As a woman she has a very open heart and a gentle touch; she loves sex so much. She loves to play it up, to build the momentum throughout the day; teasing him and pleasing him and herself. She sets the scene for love. She lives for love and loves to live; Venus is in love with love.

Make Love to Me

 

Take me with one look, across the room, I see you

 

My heart speeds up, my breath quickens, my knees feel weak, my blood peaks

 

Make love to me

 

Kiss me, softly, firmly, hotly

 

Make love to me

 

Throw me down, crush me with your body, I taste you and you taste me, I smell your scent all over me

 

Make love to me

 

Penetrate and thrust, beg me not to stop, pull my hair, and roll around everywhere

 

Make love to me

 

I want to hear you scream, I want here your release, I want to know I please, when you please me too

 

Make love to me

FLESH

 

Sweet and tender flesh

How I love the feel of a soft caress

To watch the candle light dance

To taste the finest wine

The flesh it is divine

 

My soft round breast

I hold my babe close

I nurture life from my own

Little one drink from me

From my soul

 

My breast they hold you

I hold my lover within them

I hold his head so gently

Within the warmth of me

Lovingly I expose my vulnerability

 

My supple body brings forth life

I feel it take up inside

The quickening of tiny feet

I feel the fluttering deep in me

Nothing more could feel so right

 

I love the sunlight on my skin

The green grass beneath my bare feet

The wind it touches me

The sweetness of abundance nourishes me

All is right

 

Velvet skin holds my soul in

Satin hair crowns my head

My delicateness is wonderful

My existence is bliss

Oh how I love my skin.

BEAUTY

 

The beauty of a woman’s nature is in her strength,

 

It is in her way to fight the good and true fight,

 

It is in her way to listen to her heart.

 

To quiet the suffering soul,

 

It is in her nature to nurture and put love first,

 

This is the beauty of a woman’s soul.

 

She makes the brutal world a beautiful place

 

She makes beauty from her grace,

 

She is the tree that bends in the winds of change

 

She is soft strength, she doesn’t break,

 

Somehow she finds a way to make it all ok,

 

She is the soft and tender heart,

 

She is the place to rest your weary head,

 

She brings you sweet love from nothingness

 

All of this lives within her heart,

 

A heart so boundless and abundant that she makes love from hopelessness,

 

She is a Goddess

 

She is in your dreams and in your wakefulness

 

She is the reason you exist

 

She brings her heart to you wide open

 

And it is her body that you crave

 

It is her soft sweet skin and the smell of her silky hair that you can’t resist

 

To not have her is to have nothing at all but emptiness

 

She is the one to come to when you need to cry

 

She will meet you with arms wide,

 

She is all that is wonderful to you,

 

To not have her is to have ugliness

 

To not have her is not to have a reason for life

 

To not have her is to have the world cold and hard,

 

She is the softness,

 

She is the tenderness,

 

She is the sweetness,

 

Her sensuality,

 

Beauty.


Stay Sweet

 

We all live in a world were everyone is pretending .. it’s just the way it is. It starts in high school. Everyone wants to fit in.. be popular.. liked and accepted. We are shown through media projections; by branded personalities how to be cool.. how to put on the social masks that everyone worships and adores. But by doing so we loose ourselves and our true identities and so we become bitter. We become bitter by fear.. fear of rejection.. we become bitter because we sell ourselves out.. for social acceptance, and we think social protection. But if one becomes popular and adored by many people for projecting a image that they want.. we are truly not accepted at all..because we are not really being ourselves. So you can have the love of many while not being loved at all..and worse… you not loving yourself.

The most difficult thing to do is to really be yourself and love yourself past other’s insecurities and social rejections… but it is the only way to stay sweet..it is to stay and be vulnerable; to be humble. Courage is putting your heart out there..while knowing far well, that you will probably be rejected. When you are truly authentic, open, raw and vulnerable you are a threat to those who wear the thickest social masks.. because you are their mirror. A truly authentic and raw person is clear and blinding truth to those who are in the greatest denial of the social mask that they wear; and so it is that the nerdiest, nicest, sweetest and strangest people are the most rejected by society. We make people uncomfortable..because conformity is comforting.. the sweetest and most loving people wear their hearts on the outside..so we are labeled as victims by those who would victimize the open hearted for the very fear of being open and vulnerable themselves.

In the worldly way.. being truly vulnerable is labeled as weak.. but who is really being weak? I think those who have lost themselves in groups of people and organizations have lost.. those who are vulnerable and have the courage to constantly lay their hearts on the line.. well this is true strength..to put your heart out, even though it is wounded..bloody and raw from being constantly rejected.. attacked for being open.. seen as a target.. this takes in credible strength.. people like me .. we are true spiritual warriors.. because we are giving the world and example of the compassionate heart.. even thought it is constantly being torn and ripped apart by those who fear true depth and feeling.. those who have been hurt and cut.. sometimes they are the one’s that will cut us the deepest. But being truly vulnerable, real, raw, authentic and open regardless of constant emotional, mental and spiritual attacks, takes the greatest strength.

We live in a very cold and plastic society.. not just in my city.. even though outsiders confirm that their is a higher than normal concentration of assholes in Kelowna BC.. but the only way to open other’s cold and fearful hearts is to stay open and brave.. to stay vulnerable .. raw.. broken .. and compassionate.. it is to do our very best to forgive them..because in their, inner terror, they are lost..lost to themselves.. washed away .. in the conformity of fitting in..rather than standing brave.. being nerdy.. goofy.. making mistakes..failing..being perfectly/imperfect ..

Stay sweet.. stay open.. an love no matter what.. because love favors the brave.

Don’t let fear and bitterness make you bitter.

Too fat and fucked up to be his girlfriend

 

Doesn’t seem to matter what a woman does, it’s just not good enough for many men. It seems to me many guys have this make-believe perfect, weird science bitch living in their heads. I think she is different for most men; but she has similar traits expressed by most men. First off she is calm and kind ( a push over ) and she has the perfect body type. She isn’t too tall or too short; she isn’t too muscular or too thin.. and she never ages. She never gets mad and she does what he expects her to do without having to be told what to do.. she just knows exactly what he wants ( mind reader ) she is a lady in public but a sex freak in private for him.. but not too freaky least she should make him feel insecure ( that she may of had better than him or that he isn’t enough to satisfy her ). She doesn’t ever upstage him.. she gives him all the glory and the limelight .. she worships him and treats him like a GOD.

I am not her. I have my good moments I guess ???…but I have a temper..my temper is like a summer storm; it’s hot, fast and then it blows over just as fast.. makes you wonder if it even happened at all. I am short, I can be shy and then I can be a show off. I like the little bit of fat on my tummy.. it’s just a little bit..but I find it feminine. I am fit and I think fabulous but I am not a bodybuilder chick.. I train for strength and conditioning..but I am the one who will save us all from the zombies when they attack. I am not going to starve myself or go on ultra strict diets to please men or any man.I like my curves and my muscle.. I am aging and I am going to do that gracefully. I am not going to lie about my age and I am not going to feel shame about my body changing.. I am not going to compete with other women for a man’s attention of affections.. I have too much dignity and self-respect to jump through hoops like a trained poodle to coddle some guys ego.I am strong willed and strong minded.. I don’t want some guy in my head taking up all my intellectual space .. I have better things to think about then what the fuck he might be thinking about..

It’s so ironic that people preach about being authentic when they are too chicken shit to be truly authentic..being authentic means accepting your imperfections.. if they be physical or personal..

I just cannot imagine ever being in another relationship with a man who has to pick me apart to feed his own fragile ego.. I was married to a guy like that.. always looking over the fence to see how much greener the grass was.. because he wasn’t taking care of our relationship or putting his full intentions into our relationship..and I find that most of the single divorced men my age still haven’t taken full ownership of doing that themselves in their last relationships.. yet they say ” My ex wife was a bitter angry woman ” my thoughts on this ” Yes I bet she was since you were always comparing her to that make-believe, weird science bitch that lives in your head.. and you were always comparing her to every perfect looking or seemingly perfect woman that walked by.. yes I bet she was right pissed off at your shit ” I am thinking as he sits beside me on our coffee, meet up date..and he weighs and judges me with his eyes.. seeing something or hearing something from me that just doesn’t look or sound perfect enough.. because I am too short.. or my hair is the wrong color or length.. my boobs are not perky enough.. my teeth are not strait enough and I have a blemish on my chin… I am bloated because it’s the first day of my period..and no, I don’t want to body build and shred my body fat to look like the bitch in his head…

I wonder how many men have passed up some pretty damn amazing women because they can’t get past their own bullshit and insecurities..because they are getting older, and fatter and shorter.. because things are sagging on them…and their male hormones are making them softer..they just ain’t as hard as they used to be.. I think if they came to their own acceptance and grew the fuck up.. they would find that imperfections are uniqueness ..and character.. imperfections are endearing .. and imperfections are sexy ..

So I guess I need man who just as fucked up as I am… I am sure he going to be sexy as hell.

Just be yourself..

 

 

 

 

It’s so simplistic; something we are told to be from grade school and up .. yet so difficult to do.

People project their insecurities onto you; but also we learn through other’s, being our mirrors where our strengths and weaknesses are.. the difficult part is figuring out which is which.

The only way to be successful in life is to take responsibility for yourself; your issues and weaknesses. Taking responsibility leads us to possibilities; the possibilities lead us down the right path to success and discoveries. But unfortunately we  have to go through the trial and error process; or learning it the hard way. Learning the hard way is the best way, the most painful way seems to nail home the lessons.

My lesson has been that I have been attempting to promote a controversial book;  the controversy of educating the public about the sexual repression of women by religion, by stepping out of the paradigm by being sexually liberated and by expressing this feminine sexual liberation in my book and on this site, I have exposed the lack of it in society. Simply I have learned that I cannot function within the paradigm .. ( that is also within the media or business world ) since I am setting up or living within the new or more functional paradigm. My lesson is that it was silly to try. How could I have thought even for a second that I could be in that world when I am basically not of that world..but attempting to lead or show that world the way to the new society.. a world of true equality? Since women who are sexual or sensual are not to be taken seriously, seen as immoral or even evil in the old existing paradigm I am not justifiable. Until my book or message hit mainstream media or it is somehow excepted in mass it and I will remain on the fringes of society..

You see society says ” be yourself just not that way”

And so to stand my ground ..to just be myself.. I have to be by myself.. to see myself through my own eyes.. not to allow the old paradigm concepts of behaviors drag me down into the old and dysfunctional. To truly love myself and to have others in anyway accept me I have to totally accept and love me. So now I am flying solo.

This time of being just with myself is a time of great introspection .. a time to sort through the recent past.. to keep the lessons that were mine and to let go of the lessons that belong to others.. that were projected onto me by them.. it’s a unpacking..an organizing of the heart, mind and soul.. time to lighten the load.. let go of what has held me back.. find the doors that are locked shut.. to move onto open doors that maybe available now or in the near future..

When someone is being or doing something dramatically different they are usually pushed to the fringes of society out of fear and ignorance.. it is my responsibility to accept this for what it is..and to do my best to make the best of it.

My weakness has been to bash my head against doors that will not open.. my strength has been to dare to do so..

But now it is time to quietly gaze within.. to quiet my own fears.. to relax and wait upon the still voice that speaks in silent places..

I will just be myself now..

Good Enough

 

Since the start of puberty.. one feeling that hasn’t entirely left me is that I never feel quite good enough.

It seems as women we are constantly scrutinized over.. over every visual detail.

When I was younger.. I had freckles and chubby cheeks .. I was told I was cute but not considered to be really pretty like some of the girls.. I was a tomboy and that was OK but not as OK as being the cheerleader type.. I was not that type.. not quite good enough.

As I grew into a woman I was told I was pretty in different way but my waist was a little to thick and my boobs were a too big and I was to short to ever be considered a model..and I had a bit of an over bite and it was cute..some guy might like it…but not good enough to be considered to be as beautiful as a model..

It continued into College.. I was different..I was too smart.. most men would be put off by that so I should try to be softer inside and out.. not so blunt and demanding so that I could get a husband.. It took me awhile too.. my grandmother was concerned that I wasn’t quite good enough ..

And then I wasn’t good enough to keep my husband.. I was too smart.. too driven.. I didn’t feed his ego enough by playing myself down to help him feel more like a man.. he had an affair as I worked on my writing and my art.. I didn’t make him the center of my life.. like his mistress did.. according to many people .. I wasn’t a good wife.. I wasn’t quite good enough..

Now as I try to network and promote my book.. I am too blunt.. I am not kind enough.. I am unacceptable and inappropriate if I speak out about being left out.. I am not socially connected enough.. I am not wealthy enough.. and if I had a husband I would be seen as a good enough woman.. but without one there must be something wrong with me..  I am not good enough on my own..

Attempting to date I found out again I am not enough.. they want a simple woman who will not make their life complicated.. they want a hot woman without flaws.. I am too flawed.. I am to difficult and complicated.. once again to smart and willful .. just not quite good enough..

Standing naked in front of the mirror looking at my C-section scar.. my stretch marks.. my ageing skin.. all my faults that fashion magazines tell me I must get rid of.. my real breast.. my real nails and my real hair should be replaced by implants and hair extensions and fake nails.. It seems no matter how much I work out.. and I love my body there is a little voice ..sometimes a very loud voice telling me.. ” your not ever going to be good enough for him” ” Your not ever going to be good enough for them ( the world)”

I know many other women feel this way..and it is a shame that many other women do things to other women to make them feel this way..

So I just decided I am not going to compete for male attention..I haven’t for awhile now.. why bother your not ever going to be good enough anyway..

Or so the world thinks and wants all women to think ” your not enough”

I am just going to go to the gym without my make up on and I am doing it for me..

 

I have had enough..

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