Posts Tagged ‘romance’

I am his oasis

 

I am his oasis.. as the world is a barren place.. he comes to me to fill his heart and slake his thirst. I am his nourishment and his sweet fruit.

He comes to me dry and parched many arrows run through his heart; as he has been to warring in a world full of cruelty he needs me.

I am his oasis

There is no need for his white trusty steed; he shakes his dented armor free as he comes to have his fill of me.

On my soft breast he rests his weary head; to cry brittle tears; as he has been strong for far to long but I judge his weakness not.

I am his oasis

His bitter tears of pain untold turn to sweetness within my folds and then within he takes what he needs from me.

My cup is full and it runneth over; he can take so much more of me forever more over and over.

I am his oasis

In me he sheaths his sword and plants his seed and then I grow for him the new strength he needs.

I am his oasis

The world promises him dreams of fortune and fate; but with his battlement it doth pay, but at a price of leaving him dry.

For fortune and fate cannot mandate the depth of a woman’s heart that heals his wary soul’s plight.

I am his oasis

I give to him soft rest and breast, sweet thighs that await him to penetrate them.

In the morn he brave again, is ready to raise again to the fight.. because..

I am his oasis

My love is the cup that fills his dry parched soul again, again, for I am his for the taking.

I am his oasis

To pieces

 

I think I will just fall apart to pieces..

Shatter

holding it in and holding it down..

Shatter

If I break then I create ..

Shatter

I am not afraid anymore to break..

Shatter

am not holding back anymore..

Shatter

I am not pretending it’s ok anymore..

Shatter

I am not being you for you anymore..

Shatter

I going to explode and implode..

Shatter

don’t care what they think anymore..

Shatter

wanna crack, wanna deconstruct to reconstruct it..

Shatter

stuck by fate and lightning, broken and bent..

Shatter

whats wrong with giving in to it..

Shatter

the ache is my powerlessness..

Shatter

not faking it, not denying it, not mending it..

Shatter

Slick

 

He is a slick tongued, silver Devil lie..

an illusion in a a suit and tie…

leave you asking why..

why did I even try?..

why did I cry..?..

Mr.Slick and shtick he knows how to swing his dick..

like a magic wand he fishes the pond..

catch and release the one’s he cannot grease..

with lies and deceits..

he power trips when he rips..

hearts apart and smothers dreams..

makes you wonder?..

is love just a pawn to be played..

does he live to betray?..

the collector of hearts..

stabbed in the back..

in the dark..

cause you been played..

by the oldest game..

love and compassion made to fashion..

knives and blades..

you’r just a spade..

played and betrayed by the slayer of hearts

Just another bad date…

 

It started out well enough..

We met at a local coffee shoppe.. I liked his eyes.. his smile.. he was very intelligent.. intellectual actually.. clean.. presentable.. and he looked at me with appreciation .. like he was very attracted to me..

We stood in the line-up for a while talking.. It was great.. but then when he paid from my chai tea.. he complained to the girl about the cost.. then as we went to pic up or teas at the other end.. he asked exactly how much mine cost vs his.. then jokingly complained again about me being expensive..then he complained again! ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this you sound cheap..and it’s rude)

We then found a table of his choice.. as he wanted to sit at the table were he was closer to me.. I wanted the comfy arm chairs..

Then he told me about how much he liked my book.. but then he went on about how bad the photography was compared to what he could do.. ( even though when reading my book it was clearly stated that I kept the images imperfect so that every woman could relate as The Goddess) he stated he knew that but he wanted to see ” Better” images of me..and that clearly I could model for better pictures.. I suppose this could be taken as a complement yet it was not a complement, towards the work and meaning of my writing.. Then he showed me the models on his phone that he had taken images of.. then he told me which ones he had .. had sex with during the shoots ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this..as this is clearly in poor taste.. he may of being trying to impress me with the quality of women that he could get to sleep with him, but I found it rude and it grossed me out.. not mention very unprofessional) He told me he could do better images of me.. and would I pay him to do them or make some sort of trade for them..I told him I don’t sleep with men for favors… to make that quite clear…and put on the spot I told him I would think about it…

He then went in to his veganism.. he was very passionate about this.. and during the discussion ( there really wasn’t a discussion) he became very condescending .. he started to talk to me as if I was a small ignorant child when I questioned him about his facts.. when I asked him about soya protein and it’s health issues and then asked him were he got his protein he became very defensive and very annoyed with me.. even angry.. When I told him I believed that animals were being farmed unethically .. and that I agreed with hunting for food.. and clean ethical kills.. and free-range and organics.. he asked me would I think it was OK if someone raped and murdered me? That one shocked me!

He told me a deer isn’t food for a mountain lion.. that it wasn’t put on this earth to be hunted and killed by other animals..when I told him animals eat meat.. I asked him about the ecosystem ? The nature of life and cycles and such things.. I told him your asking nature to rearrange it’s self towards your theories.. asked him what he thought of that? He became more defensive and clung to his studies and theories. I told him I wasn’t dismissing what he was saying only attempting to discuss science, evolution, nutrition, nature, the animal kingdom, instincts.. etc.. and that I was open to what he was saying only that we should always look at things with objectification.. I asked to change the subject.. he wouldn’t change the subject.. I asked him if he did this with all of his dates.. if he was trying to convert them to veganism? He then became even more frustrated and decided he had other things to do… but prior he had planned to spend the entire afternoon with me.. but I was glad that he had other things to do now. I didn’t loose my temper once.. but I found myself counting to 10-30-60 at times.. I was so controlled..

So we ended the coffee date early ( thank GOD!) As I walked away from him I was like sooooooo glad to get away.. I thought to myself ” WTF was that?!?”

I walked away wide -eyed in disbelieve of my fucking luck on dating..

Then I went on a long drive down a country road..and stopped at my favorite place by the lake ..and looked at the deer poop and thought.. “if I was going to be eaten for meat.. just free range me like the deer ok..then one clean shot..and we are good..”

But nature is what nature is.. mankind just has a responsibility to treat animals with respect like other animals treat other animals with respect.. it’s like ” You go about your business.. like your life in your natural state..and then we will do what nature does..but respect the freedom of the life we have while we have it”

After that I went to the grocery store and got myself some free range organic steak.. and then the health food store to get my whey powder and protein bars..

So ya.. he may not be a Christian fundamentalist and claims to detest religion..

So he doesn’t want a good Christian Girl..but he needs a good Vegan Girl who will do as she is told..

And that isn’t me..

So glad I am home alone..

Dreaming of my God

This is an actual dream recall.. I had this dream a few nights ago but it hasn’t left me.. in understanding or symbols this dream speaks to my soul.. and that is why it stays with me in waking life;  it has risen from deep inside of my subconscious; or the parts of my mind that I am unaware of into my wakeful mind, this is why these dream stay with us.. they are parts of us that have become aware. This dream is about balance within me; as much as it is about the romance, love and type of relationship that I seek in my life.. this dream is a dream of beauty.. it starts as such..

 

“I was swimming nude in a crystal clear pool.. as I floated and stroked through the water blissfully, I noticed the Greek columns reaching into the blue sky above me.. a happy sky filled with white fully soft clouds. The sun was just rising and the moon was just setting…and so they created a picture of balance.. gold and silver.. night and day..the stars danced between them..they twinkled as if singing. The doves made soft music..the eagles swooped..and the peacocks spread their feathers for pure delight.. The white marble of the deep pool was veined with silver and gold.. everything was pure and crisp.. perfection and bliss. Apollo’s Temple was built into the mountain side.. earth and sky presented themselves in all their glory and splendor..

And then I felt him.. he had reached for me through liquid diamonds.. I felt his energy in the water like lightning, but it didn’t burn me.. but inflamed my passions. His touch brought me life as he pulled me to him.. His strength and protection, the feeling of his flesh mingled with mine brought me comfort and with that a deep love. But this was a love of minds meeting on equal measure; a passion met by both equally. I knew him past words, because not one was spoken but the knowing of each other was complete.. it was completion. There was no need for competition between us.. for my weaknesses were met by his strengths and my strengths met his weaknesses..we were one. We completed the other..but separate we were complete..

We floated effortlessly on the surface of the deep clear water.. as the clouds dropped the nectar of the gods upon us.. giving us wisdom through sacred love.. we held hands as we looked up at the stars and Apollo blessed us.. with hope..and the stars sang of heaven.. the scent of roses and spice filled our senses..and the doves and the eagles soared up to the heavens.” ~ The Dream

The imagery of the dream.. the pool represents cleansing and being crystal clear.. the gold, silver, sun, moon, doves and eagles represent the balance of the feminine and masculine in myself and outside of myself.. the peacock represents royalty and passion but also the all seeing eye or third eye,,or the dream it’s self..the inner vision.. the temple of Apollo represents reaching for your dreams or even the dream it’s self.. the magic in the dream is the representations of the divinity in the dream or the dream it’s self being of divine origin or being sacred..and so it is that I myself see through a sacred lens..

In a prophetic sense.. it could be that I have or that I am manifesting my soul mate..

Looking at it in a practical sense..I have found left and right brain balance.

I like to look at this dream on all of these levels of understanding.. knowledge and wisdom..

Men and women are different..but if they are non competitive they can create a bonding and strengthening relationship by respecting and upholding the differences of the sexes.

 

A nightmare date

 

Ok so follow me on this one.. I am going to be digressing and messing around with your ability to keep track of my spastic thoughts..

I was trail running this morning.. being December I was running over frozen mud and patches of ice trying to keep up my momentum without falling on my ass.. and as usual I was thinking. I am always thinking.. it’s exhausting..seriously wish I could take my brain out of my head and put it on ice. I need a vacation from my brain… anyway.. I was pushing myself though the end of my 15 km run..the last 3 km being the hardest..{thinking} bout people that push themselves to finish.. Steve Jobs flashed into my mind..then the poem ” The Crazy One’s” cause I am crazy one.. I was running 15 km in Dec ( she says sarcastically ) .. or < insert sarcasm here > but then I remembered the DATE.. ” Oh shit.. I believed that jerk for this entire time.. that was like 4 years ago..and I am so gullible I believed him up til this flash of sudden fucking awareness” You see he got me all worked up by telling me he wrote that poem for Steve Jobs ..and I believed him.. he went so far as to pretend to complete the rest of the poem..and I believed him.. gawd I am just too innocent and trusting for my own good.. stupid little Polly-Anna!

you can click on the Steve Jobs image to enlarge it if you like…

I thought this guy was a genius… but in a way he was.. very manipulative..smart enough to see that I was new to dating..newly separated and so I was like live bait… *sigh*

He put Steve Jobs in my head.. he was also an older man.. his pictures on the dating site were great..he kinda had a Spock/Steve thingy going on for him. Chatting with him on the site.. he was very intelligent. He said he was in a rehabilitation center for sleeping pill addiction.. that his work caused him great stress.. and I believed him; because my divorce lawyer had gone through the same thing. But my lawyer was a great guy, had his shit together so I figured this guy was in the same league .. I was so wrong. Your going to laugh at how wrong I was. I was wronger than wrong. I must of been insane.

We then talked for hours on the phone. I thought I was in love with his mind. I loved our conversations about physics/ quantum theory .. religion.. politics.. human rights..and sex. Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy with a huge brain; a distinguished-ness.. or class. Within a couple of weeks of texting and talking on the phone I was ready to meet him. He just had to finish his rehab..

He took a bus to meet me because he said he had to renew his licence..but couldn’t since being in rehab..but he couldn’t wait to meet me. I was so excited! I thought I was going to meet the love of my life. I really truly did. I thought ” This it!”  [ I was so fucking dumb ] Oh my GAWD my dumb blond was showing!

I had planned to have him over to my place for dinner. I was going to pick him up from the Greyhound.. then have him over for dinner..than take him to his Hotel.. but this is what happened instead.. brace yourselves..

The man who got off the bus was not him.. it just wasn’t him ( he had used someone else’s picture ) He sorta looked like him..but he wasn’t him .. the guy who got off the bus.. had a hunched back  —I am not fucking kidding— He had warts all over his face and neck..and hands —I am not fucking kidding— his clothes were worn out.. his sneakers.. yes they were sneakers.. looked like they were 20 years old going by fashion. He talked like a girl — I am not fucking kidding— he looked like the kinda weirdo that masturbated in public washrooms. { Ok now I am so ashamed } not only that..but when I started putting things together in my head it dawned on me rather suddenly that he wasn’t in rehab.. and why he didn’t have a car.. because he was a mental patient on a short leave… It was so HORRIBLE!

You are probably thinking. ” How could he be so smart but be ( I gotta say it ) one of The Crazy One’s?”

Because some of the craziest people are very brilliant.. true story..but incapable of living with the public because of chemical imbalances that cause them to be a harm to themselves or others.. he was that..and it was shocking to me how I had been such a tool myself. I was so fooled ..if I only knew then what I know now about dating and online dating..

We sat side by side in the Greyhound terminal for about 15 mins. I told him as kindly but as honestly that I could that he couldn’t come to my place for dinner.. I asked him were his Hotel was..and told him I would drive him to it. He told me he thought he was staying with me..that he didn’t have any money at all; only a 2 way ticket back to his ” rehab” the next day. I ended up putting him up at an expensive Hotel myself because it was one of the few available; because of a sporting even in town.. it was pricey..I paid for my stupidity..

Not only did I pay for my stupidity with the Hotel room and a very rude awakening to my too innocent and trusting nature ( that could get me in serious trouble ) but I also paid in cell phone bills..my phone wasn’t hooked up to .. wifi

So ya… reality bites!

I haven’t been on online dating for a long time.. just started again in the last couple of weeks..got sorta stood up for dinner tonight by a guy asking me to pay because his soon to be ex-wife just emptied the accounts and cleaned off the credit cards.. guess who passed up that?

I think the world is full of BAT-SHIT CRAZY

 

About the games that he plays

 

I just wanna talk about the games that he plays.. how he takes what is whole to break it down.. just because… he is broken..

I wanna tell you how he is afraid to feel.. to face the emptiness he fills with brutality and cruelty.. just so he doesn’t have to cry.. I know why.. I know why.. why he plays these silly games to hide.. to hide from what he feels inside.. it’s so much easier just to fuck than it is to make love… so much easier it is for him.. conditioned as he is… to run away from a gentle touch.. as it hurts so much to look inside and not hide.. not hide from all the fears buried long ago.. long ago when he was a little boy.. and he was told he was a coward when he cried so now he hides behind guns and knives.

He hides behind the steel and the iron that he lifts to make strong on the outside… but inside he crumbles in the night.. alone with his thoughts he cannot hide.. any longer,.. and that is when he cries.. silent tears full of pride.and shame.. so much shame in having a tender heart.. so much shame in feeling everything.. that when he is given love.. when he is given compassion and a hug… he pushes away.. refusing to give way.. least the tenderness inside she should find… for if she did what would he have, to power play..to game her away..

Under all the steel, the bullets and the blades.. through the razor wire .. through the brutality and the mock cruelty is a little boy inside.. just wanting to be freed from the man in the beast..

But the closer that she gets to setting the child in him free the more he shows coldness and calculations to manipulate her away in fear.. he will do whatever it takes… pulling out his bag of tricks and snakes… anything to get her away..and off the path to his heart least it should break.. but little does he know.. and little is he aware.. that if he should let her in the pieces of his heart she will repair.. but he will not relent.. he has to win. .. he is hell bent…because he lives in the hell that he creates by not turning on the light inside of his own soul that only love can make bright..

And so it is he lets his demons out.. hell fire and brimstone .. bullets blazing, knives glazing soft exposed heart.. bruising and abusing her very soul..and her skin… he refuses to let her in… chasing her away with all it takes.. not relenting not giving in or giving her her a break from the storm within him… and so she runs to save herself from him..

And even though she grieves for the little boy inside of him.. she knows she must surrender ..it is a battle that cannot be won by either one..and so he has the field.. the swords all belong to him..and the knives and the horses and all the men.. and all the metals and power.. but even then.. the battle inside rages on inside of him.. as his heart remains broken..

Shattered and torn, red and raw..bloodied and bleeding sorrows uncried least it should shame him as not a man.. as weak as weakling.. as the boy he has abandoned that was abandoned long ago.. he sits alone… all alone..

A Touch of Madness

 

A touch of madness as he smiles slyly to the side.. looking over his shoulder and I don’t know why.. and then he cries.. as the blood paints the moon.. a ride, a tide of rawness, make vulnerable brute force..  a contradiction, paradox.. a question answered with a question only leading to more questions that have no answers.. a chest of mystery.. red washed in passion and shame.. unspoken broken dreams..shattered hearts..brought together,.. repelling ..and then compelling .. magnetic pleasure and pain.. his expression masked then it falls and I see what he hides… or do I …

When the blood hits the moon.. when the blood hits the moon..

He tells me nothing, while meaning everything.. nothing matters making everything so plain… as there isn’t a tomorrow, the night is day..and what was sane is really crazy or is there no definition to anything.. and then he touches me .. I listen to his heartbeat from the inside.. mighty but exposed, protected but defenseless because I know the unknown.. but yet the thickness of the walls uphold .. the ultra-sensitive genius .. the caul..the mark of the mad, or is it the wise old soul.. the heart trembles as the blood rushes home..

When the blood fever takes hold.. when the blood fever takes hold..

I try to speak but no words can I make as his nakedness presses against mine, and entwined we become nothing at all but seeing more than what we can comprehend .. we forget everything we have ever known..but blood and wine, pleasure and pain, beauty in the brutality of sweet things left alone.. unopened gifts, and mysteries, things yet to be discovered.. to not know them, but the taste is so sweet, and the heartache so bitter, so bitter to know the honey that dwells there in.. there in the nightmare, the hellish places lives a thrill that makes me cry out.. and the tears release the pressure of heart about to explode..

Blood on the moon.. Blood on the moon..

The intensity gravitates us to the emancipation of the soul.. blood and bone.. bruised fruit.. ripened with fear..the emotions exposed..the juice flows and drips.. gushes forth..laughter on his lips.. the potion the poison and the elixir..to drive out the demons.. lovely demons.. the voices that speak quietly when no one listens.. playing games and tickling the lips of words not spoken.. closing in ..a heart again.. mushy and raw..pulp and all.. sometimes the decay is so sweet as it creates the wine that we drink.. it down.. the poison that cures it all.. all but the madness of the blood red moon..

 

Lone Wolf

 

I wasn’t expecting him.. the tall dark man.. but when I saw him I knew him before I knew his name, before I heard his voice or saw the darkness in his eyes. I he was the watcher; watching other humans preform their mating dances, playing out their unconscious dynamics.. and I saw him amused and detached .. just watching and knowing .. like another self in a different form.. another watcher..

He was like the wolf ..the lone black wolf that I stumbled upon in the dark shady forest, in the fall, close to Halloween, the wolf and I …..we knew each other, watched each other, felt each other, knowing we were the same. We were the watchers, the wanderers ..to sensitive to follow the pack, to move in large social circles.. the heart so sweet and sensitive that it must be protected in the most brutal of ways.. seeking out a brutal path .. one of dark lonely nights, seeking a struggle to hide from the waves of over emotions.. to hide from the cruelties of others… it is better to brave it alone.. to howl at the sweet coldness of the moon.. to set up camp on the dark side.. where other’s dare not follow.. him and I …and the wolf..the watchers.

And when he came close.. standing next to me.. pressing his strong thighs against my strong thighs.. he talked in my ear and I knew what he said before he said it.. we hunted each other.. saw the same hunger him and I like the wolf and I … the beast in the beast hiding the beauty behind mange and claw… teeth bared in fangs.. to hide the sweetness of bleeding hearts.. I felt his breath and I knew he wanted to consume me and be consumed by me.. to consume each other’s pain..to dare to feel the surrender.. to bleed against each other.. wolf and wolf.. we watched the humans play their silly social games… the watchers watching..

Then he owned me.. and he marked me with his eyes on fire with a desire so potent if felt like a blade against my mind.. his mind so sharp, like fresh new steel.. like the strength in his thigh against mine.. he matched wit for my wit.. eye for an eye..tooth for a tooth and claw for claw.. me and the beast.. and the beast in me..

I wasn’t expecting him… walking along the same lonely path..seeking the journey, the moon..the darkness.. the shady places were no one would find us..the wild, the primitive..  untamed… bleeding hearts.. protected with the mask of brutality… until meeting one of the same kind…

Knowing we may wander together for but a little while..not knowing how far, or where or how.. to what place.. or to what end.. not even the moon knows ….the path it simply unfolds

Dreaming of Him

 

He was a small boy once.. he missed his mother when he was at school. He was different than many of the other children, from a different culture..his skin was dark. They were not used to him, the small little brown boy..who was sensitive but kind. They ignored him..because they just didn’t know what to do with him. He watched them play in groups..he watched as the birthday invitations were passed out..but most of the time he was not invited. He longed to belong.. being shunned was the worst part. He longed to be heard, to be seen to be loved by them. He would rush home to his mother, to his culture..he would burst through the door to throw himself into her arms ; to press his cheek against her warm skirts that smelled like her cooking. He would nestle himself into his mother’s lap to listen to the sound of her heartbeat.. like he did as a baby. How he longed to fit in… his mother’s love comforted him from the pain of social rejection.

 

It was deeply rooted in him to belong..he decided as a young child that he would learn about people.. he would find out about everyone of them..and he did. He learned about human nature. He learned about love and belonging..he learned how to manipulate them with sweetness.. but it was not to hurt them.. never to hurt them; it was so they would never hurt him again..because he would make them see the love that was in him ..and he did.. he was successful!

 

He grew into a man that glowed with power.. he told them all how to be the best they could be..he gave them advice about how to be successful..and they were..but somehow along the way he got lost.

 

He found that he had built walls around himself.. he couldn’t find away to drop the social mask. He had trapped himself in his own perfection..and slowly he lost the path to his heart. He had money, status, and some fame.. he had external power..but somehow his flame was being smothered..because he had forgotten to build a window in his glass house.

 

Today this day he is in intense pain.. he can no longer deny.. he can no longer lie to himself.. by searching outside of himself .. he had lost the key to his own heart; an now this day … his heart is empty..his mind is busy and heavy.. his flame burning so low.. but there is no one to turn to.. as he is surrounded by those who believe the story he told himself that he told to them .. that he knows all the answers..but now he eats his ego slowly alone.. a quiet long death.

 

He eats his pride, he eats his success, but he is not filled.. he hurts but he cannot cry out to them.. he cannot cry out. Now he sees he is still the small boy that was misunderstood, neglected and ignored..because he didn’t embrace that he was different..they still don’t see him.

 

But sweet man..with the tender, tender heart.. you will transform in your death and in your darkness.

 

As I write this you must know that I am the key to your heart..I love you, I have always loved you.. I always will.

I am waiting for you to come to me .. I will keep your secrets forevermore.

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