Posts Tagged ‘mother’s love’

To Kiss Him

 

My heart will not forget him. I try so hard to harden my heart as his heart is hardened to me.. I tell myself ” What is meant to be will be.” but oh how I miss him..

Spring..a warm day as we sat on the beach.. and I looked into his sparkling, diamond, green eyes.. to see his soul.. a soul so sweet that I was swept off my feet.. and the walls around my heart; they did crumble and fall.. leaving me vulnerable and weak.. oh, how I miss him.

And the words ” I Love you.” they wanted to cascade off my lips like waterfalls of bliss.. but I caught them before they fell.. before they made a sound..but my heart still yelled ” You love him.” and I wondered what it would be like to kiss him..?

I watched his lips then, as he spoke his words then ..and I wondered ” How soft they seem to be.. how sweet and tender .. how would he taste to me ?.” and my heart broke wide open.. weepy and sweet like honey at his feet.. yet he seemed not to believe me..and why should he? So many bitter and broken women had come before me..speaking sweet words that were just candied poison..and so he miss read me.. for my heart is true.. and I am truth.. and I fell in love with the god within him..

And so he cast me off as days went on.. thinking me like the rest.. like the women who whispered of love and passion but hid the blade until he feel upon it.. leaving him bleeding and broken. I saw the wounds .. I felt his pain and with all my heart I wanted to mend them.. to hold him in my arms like a newborn babe .. to give him love to heal them.. to bring him light and love..to bring him joy and bliss..but he thought me to- good- to- be- true..and so he pushed me away from him.. and he did to me what they did to him..and because I understand; I forgive him..because I love him.. like a mother loves her babe.. because I know the soul within him..

So spring turned to summer..and summer to fall..now fall to winter.. under the Christmas moon.. my heart longs for him..and I wonder ” What would it be like to kiss him?” and I felt his soul brush with mine..or was it just wishful thinking.. and I saw him in my imagination.. his fuzzy beard.. his wavy hair..and then I kissed him..

The Goddess

On a personal level Gaia or Mother Nature is another powerful archetype for me. I am an Aries but 4 of my astrological houses are in Taurus .. my Venus, Mars, Mercury and Saturn .. I am an nurturer by nature. I love the idealism of purity by organics. To me dirty is clean living. I have always loved the smell of fertile soil and getting my hands dirty in it. In the photography of me as, Gaia I had to fight my own ego.. I had to step into being round, plump and soft to show fertility; I had to channel or step into character of The Great Mother..so I had to release the image of myself as the athlete .. to be fully in her.. she is the VOID.. the womb.. the waters of all creation. Love the Earth..for she is your MOTHER. I am sharing this chapter of my book on the day of the Full Moon Blood Eclipse in Aries.. I hope that it creates MAGIC and CHANGE.

From the book ~ The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ Available on Amazon.ca

click on images to enlarge 

Mother Nature

 

Mother Earth manifest herself through every woman and through every female aspect of nature as, she is the seed and the womb; she is pregnant with ideas as well as her children; she gives birth constantly like the Queen Bee in the honey hive. She nurtures life at all cost and her creations that spring from her life giving forces. Her opposite is Father Sky; like her, Father Sky manifest himself through the masculine forces of nature that seek to impregnate the feminine force for the pure sake of the expansion of all life. Father Sky holds Mother Earth in his constant embrace of enduring passion and love for one another; hence we are reminded through our feet on Mother Earth and our eyes on Father Sky, of the divine force within us.

 

She is endless abundance; she adorns herself with her creations; her butterflies, flowers, ladybugs, snowflakes, and waterfalls are her jewelry. She has no need for the superficial as she is pure and sweet in her natural beauty. She is beauty. She is life. To her the man-made world is needless as she supplies through her breast ( heart ) all that is needed to nurture and sustain life. She feeds the world as she is everything in everything; even what has been perverted by mankind through the manipulation of her elements comes from her as all matter; comes from her source. As we can pervert anything through the perception of the ego we pervert her landscape and we make her dirty with our greed.

 

As she is all women and all women have manifested from her energy we pervert a woman’s sexuality as we pervert our earth with our pollution. When we pervert something or someone we alter it for abnormal purposes; this means that we manipulate what was once pure to suit our greed or lusts. Having lust is not necessarily a bad thing; it is healthy to be passionate and lustful towards life our one’s lover; but it is when lust turns into obsession and a need to control or own another, or an aspect of society that greed turns lust into perversion. It is this perversion that causes us to hurt, destroy, control, manipulate or take away the rights of others, for the sake of selfishness. This selfishness has been inflicted on Mother Nature since the Industrial Age; since this time we have concentrated our pollution on what was once a pure landscape.

Our return to Mother Nature is to respect the abundance of what has always been; not to take her for granted or use and abuse her resources as we have come to use and abuse her manifestation of womankind.

 

Gaia’s Song

 

 

 

In your greed you have forgotten,

 

In your greed you have lost your way,

 

In your need to be put above others,

 

You have gone astray.

 

 

 

In your race towards fame and fortune,

 

You have become bitter and selfish,

 

You have put your wants above justice,

 

You have learned to lie so well,

 

You don’t even see yourself.

 

 

 

Your need to own me and society,

 

Has brought such great suffering,

 

Your children are raped and beaten,

 

Your women are owned and berated,

 

The old are put away and forgotten,

 

You have brought in shame.

 

 

 

My skin you have polluted,

 

You pour oil in my waters,

 

You spill your chemicals in my veins,

 

You build up concrete on my meadows,

 

And you alter what was perfectly made,

 

You say you do these things to make life better,

 

But you believe your own lies,

 

As all you do is just for your own gain,

 

Everything is just to own the masses,

 

But evil is what you have created,

 

 

 

Children starve worldwide,

 

They are left in graves unmarked.

 

You will never know their names,

 

You will never feel their mother’s pain,

 

As you turn a blind eye,

 

You are cruel and so jaded,

 

 

 

I call to you my children,

 

I call to you as it is almost too late,

 

In these unmarked graves of your women and your children,

 

I have placed your name,

 

I am Mother Nature,

 

I will have the final say,

 

 

 

You have been so arrogant,

 

You have turned into my cruel children,

 

Do you really think that it can go on much longer?

 

You have become my cancer,

 

This disease you have created,

 

You are my cancer,

 

With your evil cruelty to one another,

 

You have polluted reality,

 

I will shake you from my skin,

 

As all creation must go on without you,

 

 

 

Did you really think you are my only children?

 

The world is teaming with life other than yours,

 

I will cut you out like a bad cancer,

 

Like the parasite that you have become,

 

I will do away with this evil.

 

 

 

You fear hell,

 

You fear damnation,

 

But it’s your fear you have created,

 

You have dug your own graves,

 

You have created your own karma,

 

And I will give you your way,

 

 

 

You can save yourself by your own hand,

 

If you learn to become a hero,

 

If you do to help others,

 

If you lift up the weakest ones,

 

If you can feed the starving children,

 

By loving the women that created them,

 

 

 

This is how you will change this imbalance,

 

By doing good just for the sake of doing,

 

By spreading love instead of greed and hate,

 

Stop trying to own the world,

 

Stop trying to take all there is to take,

 

Share with one another,

 

This is the only way,

 

 

 

Greed is your undoing,

 

Greed has caused this hate,

 

Greed has caused all the killing,

 

Religion has just been your excuse,

 

To execute the blameless,

 

To bring the balance back you must be honest,

 

 

 

Be honest with yourself,

 

Be honest with your ego,

 

Be honest with your manipulations,

 

Be honest with your motivations,

 

Bring up the weak,

 

 

 

Bring up the meek,

 

Bring up the sick and the broken,

 

Bring up you women, your aged and your children,

 

This is the only way,

 

To a new day,

 

To clean your soul,

 

You will clean the world,

 

To save yourselves,

 

Please listen, my dear children.

 

Retreat

 

Sometimes I get so tired of the world. I hear young people say all they want is to make lots of money. I think to myself; they are missing the point of existence. I think we have all been put here to make the world a better place.

 

There is so much selfishness; and we are groomed from the time we are young to think and act selfishly. We learn that all the popular kids are the best looking and they wear the most fashionable clothes. My children are starting to inform me of this as they approach middle school. It makes me feel so sad; what happened to making your mark by what you do, not by what you look like, what you have or who you know?

 

I just need to turn the TV off; it makes me sick how we are so brainwashed; everything is just so disinfected and so fake and perfect, we have forgotten how to be organic. We have become artificial; like the food that we eat; like the plastics that store our food and that we wear in our clothing, we have forgotten about the soul.

 

So I turn off the TV and I stay away from Facebook and I stay away from the mall; because it starts to make me feel so hopeless; it starts to make me physically sick. I get pulled into the undertow; just like everyone else, before I know it I am watching what I say, what I do, what I wear, so that I can fit in and not be judged too. It is such a hard thing to walk away from, to retreat from; the worldliness it surrounds us.

 

Even the artificial spirituality wants us to believe that if we only concentrate on happiness it will magically come to us. If we only say nice things and think nice thoughts; we will manifest a magical world, but this too is artificial; because we have to FACE what is WRONG to make it RIGHT! It will not fix it’s self. It will not go away if we ignore it! This is not organic thinking this is not real; this is not facing reality. Problems must be dealt with; they must be worked through; emotions must be felt, vented and expressed to be released. We must clean up our messes to get rid of them.

 

For the world to come into NEW REALITY we have to face the one we live in to make the world what we want it to be; what is it that we all want? EQUALITY! We want everyone to have a fair chance at life; we want everyone to succeed and grow into the fullness of who they are.

 

But we are shown through the world we should want fame and fortune only for ourselves, we should want to stand out of the crowd; of course it means that others should have less than us; it means they should be and feel beneath us. It isn’t that we shouldn’t have what we have worked for; it isn’t that we should give to others who are lazy and would just use us; but we should share and bring other’s up who need and deserve a break; others who work hard to make a difference but don’t have the opportunities that we have; so we should share our good fortune to make the world a better place.

 

Real spirituality is real; it’s not fluffy words; IT IS WORKS! What are you doing to make a difference that doesn’t just make you money? How are you reaching out to others instead of just reaching out your hand to receive for yourself; how are you giving back? Words are empty without ACTION; simple as that, Meaningless dribble without participation! ACTION WITH INTENTION IS THE CHANGE.

 

I am human too; I get sucked in too; to the artificial, superficial, fake and faceless world; so I retreat to take the time to get myself strait again.

 

I hope that by writing my book I help to make a difference it the world; I am not looking for fame and fortune; I am not looking to feed my ego. I am hoping that bring the Goddess Archetype into the awareness of society will bring about compassion, justice and equality.

 

We have forgotten mercy, grace, love, empathy; we have forgotten how to feel for strangers; we have forgotten that everyone is us. If we cannot feel for others than how will anyone feel for us?

 

What is more organic than kindness?

 

My soul longs for tenderness; my soul needs mercy; as I am a part of you, the world longs for mercy.

 

I wish to help end suffering; through love.

The sigma of mental illness and suicide

Crease Clinic/Riverside Vancouver BC Canada

 

I think this will be one of the most vulnerable posts I will ever write; and so it will leave me open to personal attacks online;I will have to prepare myself for such. I came upon another blog about a female performance artist.. she was testing out human nature. She put herself in a crowd of people, topless.. exposed and vulnerable, with various objects beside her on a table. She vowed to remain motionless, exposed to the crowd. She was treated with cruelty. Her experiment reflects on the online world, or mobs of people.. I have proved as much with my blog, with exposing my vulnerable-ness, by being open and honest with the human journey or struggles… many have seen my open heart and mind as an open target.. but it is for the greater good.. to show by actions how to be more human..to have compassion towards the self and others.. so here we go again.

Me at 1 year

My mother and her identical twin sister were stricken with schizophrenia at the tender age of 14, that same year my grandfather, their father died of black lung..my poor grandmother. My mother was a very beautiful woman from the inside out.. a tender heart much like myself. My father was an abusive man; he made her illness much worse, but than I suppose it is easy to reason that a cruel person would be drawn to an easy victim. I think my mother would of spent a lot less time in the hospital and off of drugs; and shock therapy treatment if she wasn’t terrorized in her own home. I had a very tough childhood. I have been shamed and judged by others for it; and to remain silent about it.. I married a man that shamed me into silence.. I was unconscious to the fact that I married an emotionally abusive man.. like a toned down version of my own father.

me and my sisters.. Sharon to the left..me in the middle..Christina on the right

My mother spent a lot of time in Crease Clinic in Vancouver or Riverside .. I remember it very well. As a child I attended one of the best Halloween parties at Riverside; as it was held for the female patients and their young children.. this was the place were my mother eventually took her life. My father had moved us hundreds of miles away from our mother; he was cruel and selfish. My mother had to travel with a social worker or nurse to come and visit us; my father never took us too her. I think social services was also at fault; I think they allowed the emotional abuse by allowing our father to move us away from her. With government funding cut backs, my mother hadn’t seen us in a year. That time away from her four children pushed her over the edge. She had written letters to us that our father hadn’t given to us. We read them years later. She expressed how much she missed nurturing us; her children.. my mother’s astrological sign was a Cancer..she loved to cook and clean; she loved being mother. She told us how she missed baking apple raisin pies..she missed seeing us wear the mittens she knitted for us. The letters were heart breaking. Without us her life was dark; meaningless..and the voices in her head took over. My mother hung herself by the sleeves of her shirt. I had just turned 13.. as she was committing suicide hundreds of miles away from me.. unknown to me.. I had an unexplained panic attack.. I know now it was because children have an unexplained connection to their mothers.. I know that now as mother; it’s just a knowing. When the local preacher came to our house to tell us the next day.. every time I closed my eyes I felt myself falling..

My Mother March of 1983..she took her life April 27 1983Rest in Peace Mommy

My father took us to go and view her body lying in state. She looked as if she was sleeping.. I hadn’t seen my mother in so long. I longed to be held by her and to hold her.. but it was just her body.. she was gone. On her finger she wore a ring that I had given her. The ring was out of a Cracker-jack box; it was a gold northern star. I had told her we were all just stars; that we were just human for a little while and then we all just went back to being stars ( the wisdom of a child ) I remembered how she let me put it on her little finger. I pulled out some of my hair and placed it in with her when no one was watching; because I wanted some of me to go with her. I will never forget how I longed for her to come back to life..how unreal it was to see my mother’s body. My father didn’t let us stay for her funeral; I think it was because he was truly ashamed of what he had done to her.

There were happy times between them; when my mother was on an upswing .. when my father wasn’t being a beast.. they both made a princess birthday cake for me.. I had wanted the moment to last forever

 

But moment’s like these were far and few between..love was very rare in hour home.

Now fast-forward to my marriage 1999. I had thought I was marrying a great guy obviously. I was unconscious to the damage of my childhood..but I also know that there isn’t a single one of us that isn’t damaged or that hasn’t been broken.. I had a lot of things go wrong all at the same time.. it was like a catastrophic natural disaster. My husband had started having an affair when I was pregnant with our last child, our son. He became frustrated and angry with me because we had four miscarriages after having our two daughters. One of the miscarriages was quite far along .. five months into the pregnancy. I had gone through horrible grieving and depression; my husband checked out emotionally then..and began to blame me for his inability to be present emotionally though the lows in our marriage. By the time I was seven months into the pregnancy with our son.. he was totally gone emotionally..he didn’t even show up for the ultrasound. I saw him talking with her outside in our yard through the dinning room widow when they didn’t know I was watching.. it was clear by their body language and loving, lustful looks that they were sharing that they were intimate. But I had to push it down into my subconscious to stay pregnant ..to give birth to a healthy full term baby..and so the affair continued unchecked by me..I couldn’t confront it.

My mother and her children.. I am the one in the tree with the flowers!

When my son was born I went into a deep dark postpartum depression ( I wonder why? ) I spent many hours talking to the Pacific Postpartum Hotline ladies.. they coached me about self care..the guided me towards getting myself and my husband into marriage counselling.. but then my sister was diagnosed with a stage four brain tumor .. My son was still a nursing baby and my sister was dying.. It took all my strength to keep her in the hospital way from her abusive husband..so that she could die with proper care and dignity. It was January.. and I would drive an 1 1/2 hours in horrible conditions to spend hrs with my sister..to care for her..to spend her last hrs with her.. my husband resented being left with the baby and our two very young girls.. he resented the attention that I was giving my dying sister and then the attention that I was giving the baby and children over him.. he was doing house renos.. and he wanted to get shit done.. me and my sister..the kids were keeping him back ( and stopping him from having sex with his mistress ) The day after my sister died my ex husband emotionally abused me.. he screamed at me because the bottom of our son’s playpen had scratched the new wood flooring he had just put in.. he called me a selfish bitch..

My marriage was over.. even with marriage counselling.. with me getting talk therapy for my grief.. I was sick and depleted .. I didn’t know I had celiac .. I was a burden to him.. he left me to got to Mexico..with his friends ( mistress ) I put myself in the hospital so that I wouldn’t take my own life..I willingly had myself committed to be here to write this story..

Life is like that.. for many people.. one day everything can just crash and burn.. it’s like a bad country/western song.. his dog dies, his girlfriend leaves him..he looses his job.. and he is thinking of just putting one bullet in his gun.. just for him..

The point is this.. it can happen to anyone of us.. the wheel of fortune can take a horrible turn.. your child could be born with mental illness.. anything good or bad can happen..

I am also pointing out the differences between a deep mental illness and depression.. depression can be treated.. circumstances can change for the better given time and work.. some mental illnesses cannot be treated the same way.. my mom’s identical twin is still in a care home..I just went to visit her a few days ago. She needs to be kept safe from herself and other cruel people in the world that would hurt her because she is vulnerable..

If you are reading this because you are depressed and feeling suicidal.. please know you are not alone.. many people have the same thoughts and feelings.. you are not crazy or a bad person.. you are a person that needs TLC.. some love and compassion.. please have compassion on yourself and tell somebody.. anybody..and keep telling people until someone listens..it’s not weak it is brave to get help.. you are just experiencing an intense low in your life.. it will get better..it doesn’t seem like it now but time does heal all things..time and work..

If someone comes to you asking for help.. call 911.. call the crisis line or the hospital..they will guide you towards helping them..

I ask people to stop shaming people who ask for help.. stop shaming the mentally ill that need to be in care homes.. they need compassion not judgement.. they are vulnerable..they need to be protected.

The craziest thing in the world is the lack of compassion and tenderness.. the lack of humanity.

Written in loving memory of my mother

The Single Mom Struggle

 

My rose colored glasses have fallen off my face once again. When you’r a single mom and an artist you don’t get to stay in the rosy glow long enough. So what happened today? Were do I start..?

I have this fucking car.. it has some fucking problems that I cannot seem to get a permanent fix for.. electrical problems that they cannot seem to nail down. This is what happens to the fucking car. The throttle starts to drop from highs to lows.. up and down ..and then I know something shitty is starting to happen.. then the wipers come on by themselves when I start the car, then the radio changes stations,, then it turns off an on by it’s self when I start the fucking car.. then a few days later a bulb that I have just had replaced again! ,,it fucking burns out.. then I know for sure the car is about to go through an electrical shit storm..so I take it in.. they hook up to the computer.. nothing.. just something reading on the throttle.. but I am told the electrical crackling sounds I am hearing from the steering wheel are just cracked plastics rubbing together when I turn the wheel.. so I am like ” OK” leave.. drive the fucking car around for a few weeks.. then the back light burns out that I just had replaced.. then it starts making the weird clicking sounds and the front lights flicker even though they are turned off.. So I am like ” Fucking car.” Then it did it today.. ( electrical shit storm from hell ) lucky for me my kids were with the ex still.. and I had just driven into town from being up in the mountains hiking.. cause the throttle went fucking nuts.. turned right up.. the lights were flashing and the dash was clicking and the steering wheel was crackling like a fucking gawd damn nightmare.. meanwhile I am trying to calmly pull into the grocery store parking lot.. while trying not to panic and have a fucking heart attack .. did that.. got the car in a fucking stall.. didn’t run anyone over with the throttle thrusting the car forward.. parked the fucking car.. left it in park but still running to get out to look at the lights flashing like a son-of-a-bitch.. so I went to the dash and turned the fucking head lights all the way on.. it stopped clicking for a few seconds..then it fucking died.. yup.. just fucking died,, the car had a fucking heart attack… fuck!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

So I went into the grocery store.. did the shopping.. sucked up my panic and tears.. didn’t cry.. got it done.. called a cab.. told one of my mom friends as I took the groceries out of the cab.. ” My car broke down again” paid the cabby and then went inside and cried and screamed..and cried and screamed and cried and cried and cried.. because I am so fucking mad and because it makes me feel so vulnerable because I don’t have family to help me and because I saved up some fucking money.. and now I have to spend the fucking money on what is or was suppose to be fixed the last 4x I took the fucking car into have them fix the fucking car.. FUCKING CAR!

On top of all that.. my ex wouldn’t keep the kids an extra day..even though he has the day off.. just to be a prick.. and he sent our son home from his house for the 3rd time with living lice in his hair.. each time I clean him up he comes home with living lice in his hair..and each time my ex doesn’t tell me he has it..but my 7 year old son brings it up over dinner.. all innocent to his dad’s conniving bullshit.. seems he likes the thought of sending his son to his ex wife infected with lice.. cause it’s funny to make me suffer..and it doesn’t seem to matter to him that he is making his little boy suffer to make his mother suffer.. so as you can imagine this time my text messages were not polite at all.. nope.. the went like this ” What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking insane? You don’t deserve your kids asshole.” now that is some hard cold single mom reality..

Then the memory of when I bought the fucking car.. you see he set out some dumb ass stipulation in the settlement of the assents that if I didn’t purchase a car with in the week of him giving me a part of the monies from the sale of the marital home that he wouldn’t give me the other monies from the other assets.. so I rushed out to buy the fucking car..not having a male friend or relative with me to help me get past the sleazy used car sales men that will sell a single mom a lemon with no remorse what so ever.. and that is the shit that happened..and so the anger in me burned to a rising crescendo.. so intense I thought I was going to blast off!

Thank gawd for other single mom friends..and single dad friends that helped to talk me off the ceiling .. cause holy fuck!

The prevailing thought had by us all..” We need a good drunk!”

I don’t drink often but when I do.. it’s because of.. the single mom struggle.

Fucking CAR!

Why it is getting easier and easier for me to stay celibate

 

 

 

It’s getting easier because I am seeing what is out there in society today. Even at my gym I watch married people flirting ..attempting to carry on ( at the very least ) emotional affairs so that they don’t have to face the responsibility or take ownership of their own integrity in their relationships to their spouses. People want fluff, they don’t seem to want anything deep and meaningful. It seems both men and women don’t understand that the spark ( the Ideal) of the relationship cannot last forever..it usually only last a couple of years ..then the rose colored glasses dim..and you are faced with loving the real person not the ideal that you thought they were..and if you cannot do that..then have the integrity to leave the relationship before side-stepping into another one with someone else.. and then those who flirt with married people.. wtf are you doing? Have the integrity not to allow yourself to be played into someone else’s games.. the game of hide and seek from their own truth.. of not wanting to grow up and face their own problems.. that is what a real meaningful relationship teaches us.. others show us our strengths and weaknesses.. it isn’t meant to be easy .. sometimes it’s damn hell.. It is supposed to be both heaven and hell..as both the light and dark lives in each soul.

Now switching over to men.. this is what I see.. selfish men who don’t actually want a woman that is equal to them..they are macho not masculine.. macho in that they need a woman to fill a role and to complete an emptiness that is inside of them.. that emptiness is caused by men who need a woman to dumb herself down..so that she doesn’t challenge him into evolving into a full manhood. A dumb woman that knows her place in his life.. as a servant to his ego; doesn’t cause him to question his own selfish motives.. What I see are men intently and with greed, accumulating their own social status and toys will giving as little of themselves and their time, their emotions or intellect to a woman as is possible.. They don’t want to be truly intimate, to share their lives or resources..what they want is to get as much as they can from a woman while giving as little as possible.

I see men being boys..breaking a woman’s sense of her self worth by playing her against other women .. making her feel easily replaceable unless she gives herself up to him.. I will not give a guy like this my time, my energy or even a thought.. he isn’t worth it.. he is not worthy..

I see lots of men.. who say the are men, who profess to have courage..but when the the time comes to show courage by action..the use excuses or remain silent, or make themselves scarce.. What I am saying..is that I see boys fooling themselves into believing they are men. I see boys who are afraid, afraid to stand by one good woman, who are afraid to go into emotional depths, who are afraid to invest their hearts into the heart of one good woman.. Instead it is easier to date and sleep with girls who are not real women..because a real woman wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like second best..a second, third or forth place on his list of priorities.. a real woman would make sure she was his first priority, and the he was her’s.. but what I see are people who are settling ..to be treated without dignity or respect..

This makes it easier and easier for me to remain celibate.. I will not be treated with coldness or brutality, I will not be put last on his list, I will not allow selfishness and immaturity into my life.. and I will not show my children by bad example how to be treated with disrespect..

I respect myself .. I respect my kids.. and I respect the good man that is out there somewhere.. I respect him enough not to settle for anything less but him..if he manifests into my life or not.. I am not giving myself away to little men who are not worthy of a good woman. I will do for myself.

For My Son

 

 

 

My Sweet Son;

 

The moment you were born the sun came into my life; as you emerged from the darkness of my womb, with a splash into the doctor’s lap my life became enriched and all the more meaningful. Upon your first cry, before I even had a chance to gaze upon you, my heart swelled and burst with love and pride. As the nurses cleaned your tiny little body, as you screamed out the cry of new life my heart exploded; when they placed you into my arms, I looked into your eyes to behold the wisdom of a newborn soul; I placed you onto my breast, and the feel of my body nurturing you was pure bliss.

I knew your name before you were born, I just knew as a mother knows things that your favorite color would be yellow..and so it is. I felt your athletic little spirit and I knew you would be mischief..and so you are.. today my son you are 5 and what I am writing here are my wishes for you as you grow up, and become the man that you are intended to become.

My darling son, I hope for you this, I hope that you will never fight in a war and I hope that you will never seek out violence. I hope that you question everything, do not take orders from authority that go against your heart or your moral code. Do not fight in war that is war of greed, only fight to bring up the people in need. I hope that you will never grow up in a world were you have to point a gun or use any weapon against another human being.. I hope for you a life of peace.

My son, I wish for you to seek out wisdom and love above all else, seek out wisdom and love over material wealth. I hope the person you compete against the most is simply yourself, I wish for you to become more of the best that you can be in every given situation in your life. Do not compare yourself to others, do not wish to take what others have, only work and work hard to make more for yourself..and then learn to share your wealth .. always give to others. Give your time, your wisdom and your love as well as your material wealth.

Always respect the opposite sex, always make a woman your equal and never let her use you for status or wealth, and do not use her as a trophy, do not use her for sex.. I hope for you a partnership of equals, I hope for you a lover and a best friend. Hold each other up when times are tough and share the joys of life when times are happy. If you decide to have children, be the father that changes many a dirty bum, be the man that cooks and cleans, share the parenting as one. I hope for you a mate that is your equal, so that when you are weak she is the one to be strong as you should be as well. I want you to experience and share true unconditional love with another. I hope you are the father that has the strength to confront his emotional problems so that you can be emotionally available for your loved ones.

My son do not always follow logic but learn to follow your heart. Have the heart of the lion, the heart of true courage, the heart of a man that brings up the weakest ones.

You are in a world that uses and abuses the weakest ones in our society.. I hope you have the strength to blaze a new trail.. I hope my son that you will become and show the world what a real, true and honest man is like.. he leads by example, with love, kindness, wisdom.. and a strength that shines from the inside out. The greatest gift a man can give the world is his heart.

Follow your heart.. my sweet son

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