Posts Tagged ‘Mother Earth’

Don’t let them dull your sparkle

 

It really felt like the last day of summer in Kelowna BC today.. because of the intense smoke from the forest fires the beaches were almost empty today.. not normal for the end of August in a summer tourist destination.. My kids were away for the entire week on vacation with my ex husband; their father.. I hit the gym hard.. and stayed in to work online. But it being my last day of freedom I decided to brave the smoke.. get off line..and out of the gym and get the hell outside.. I just wanted to get one more paddle boarding in before the weather cooled down. I didn’t want to rent from this one woman because she is in with the clicks in Kelowna.. the snotty bitches and the snotty bastards.. those people who judge me for my book.. for the topic of sexuality.. who just judge me for being different period; but as I drove from beach to beach they were the only rentals that I could find that were renting.. and that’s what I told the young woman working for the snotty woman.. she told me that she wanted to pack everything up and not rent to me.. but I told her ” You have all your rentals out.. your trailer is open.. you haven’t packed anything up..it’s only 1 pm and I ready to give you my money.” Unbelievably she got her “boss” on the phone to ask her if it was ( Ok) to rent to me.. I haven’t ever experienced such rudeness as a customer in my life!.. Then she only wanted me to rent for 1 hr.. even though I am a paying customer, I had to talk her into letting me rent for 2 hrs { I NEVER! } I just couldn’t believe the rudeness as she tried to guilt trip me of the likelihood that I could loose a $200 paddle and end up owning them? It was truly twilight zone material.. the shit just blows my mind.. but fuck them.. “rent me a board ..get your drama and your bullshit outta my face.. “and then off I went..off to open water and the wild blue yonder .. but what a bunch a shit..

The beginning of my stay vacation on the paddle board, I was thinking about my Summer of Fuckery in Kelowna BC.. 2015 Summer of Fuckery.. first it was the photographer on the first day of summer…that pretended to be my friend.. to have me believe that he was going to take lovely well finished professional shots of me for my Free The Nipple post on this here blog.. to send me totally unfinished shots just to fuck with me for his snotty Kelowna connections.. of snotty bitches..and other snotty photographers..and other snotty artist .. etc.. etc.. that blew my mind.. Oh the fuckery..from the fuckers..

Then it was meeting with a local man ..who was oh so charming at first.. and I fell for him hard.. I feel in love at first sight.. Like a stupid, childish girl.. only to see that he met with me and followed me on facebook to get revenge on me, for his snotty friends in Kelowna Society.. and I was heartbroken.. truly broken by that.. I cried.. I wept.. I got angry.. I was shocked.. I was metaphorically run through by an arrow well aimed .. not for love or passion ..but for the pure sake of feeding his ego..and his friend’s egos..for the sake of fuckery.. from the fuckers.. I thought as I paddled ..

But then something wonderful happened after I paddled under the bridge.. I found a spot were the water was greener than green… and as I sat down on the board I felt like I was looking into a perfectly decorated fish tank.. long green underwater plants spiraled up to meet me and little blue minnows danced between then.. and I was present with them..with the peace and serenity .. the tranquility that I craved.. that my soul needed to heal.. to breath .. to let go of them.. and I thought ” Fuck them ” Fuck them and their bullshit posturing for social popularity.. I am Amazing Grace.. I am peace and I am Grace Under Pressure.. I am beautiful despite their nastiness and pettiness .. I am like these little minnows swimming sweetly in their bliss.. I don’t care what they think.. I just don’t care..” just give me the board and the paddle and get the fuck outta my face.’” And then I came to a place were the osprey nested..and they called out ..and I called back to them..and they got louder and I sang back to them..and they swooped and swooshed over my board.. and then a flock of Canadian geese flew big circles around me before deciding to land close by me..and I heard the music in their wings..their perfect timing.. and the water ripped greens, purples and blues..the smoke from the fires didn’t bother me at all..as I sat in a yoga posture..to meditate in nature.. the board under me rocking in the soft waves like a cradle..and I knew they just didn’t matter.. not at all.. not at all.. I am in my center.. in my own still center.

When I brought the board back..they were just as rude.. they had packed everything up.. I brought the board in 10 min early..but the didn’t even acknowledge me..they practically ignored me.. they didn’t even hand me my belongings from their trailer.. I had to reach in and grab my beach bag and purse myself..and then search for my shoes ..

I sat on the park bench to put on my shorts, shirt and shoes..I said to an older man sunbathing ” I will never rent from that woman again.” I told him what happened.. we talked for a bit.. He was a real estate developer from Montreal .. we talked about my book.and his business.. he asked me ” Should I buy some land here.. ?” I told him too.. I said “Kelowna is a goldmine for real estate development .. everyone wants to retire here or own a summer condo.. if you have that kind of money.. you should do it.” he told he was traveling all over Canada looking for land to purchase for developments.. then he said to me ” You are someone very special.. you sparkle.. your energy is amazing.. you have that certain something..a star quality that not many people have but wish they had.. when you first started talking to me, before you told me about your troubles here in your city.. I thought you were already a famous person on vacation here.. you don’t fit in here because your energy and sparkle are bigger than here.. you belong in high places.. you shine..don’t let them dull your sparkle.” he proclaimed in a thick French Canadian accent .. the he said ” Beat them with gratitude .. you are beautiful, healthy and very intelligent..be grateful that you are not like them.” And then he shook my hand.. he had a nice firm hand shake… and as I left we wished each other well and blessed…

And then I stopped to smell the flowers.. because I am grateful for the tiny bit of summer we have left..

I am grateful.

My Grandfather’s Native Wisdom

 

My earliest memory of my Grandfather.. My mom and dad were staying with my grandparents in Carson City Nevada.. I was sleeping in my grandparents bed with my sister and I think my cousins ( it was such a long time ago so I am doing my best with my cloudy memories ) I woke up with a start as I heard my grandfather Cecil exclaim loudly ” Holy Mackerel ” ( he loved to say that when he was excited ) I remember reaching for the glass of water that my grandmother had placed on the night stand, to find it full of small floating, dead bugs .. my grandmother then burst into the bedroom ..she leaned over us and said softly ” Your grandpa wants you to get up and come outside to see the meteor shower.” I remember how excited my grandfather was; when we all sat on the front porch at his feet to watch the stars fall.. he was the biggest kid of all..and he said ” Father Sky is showing Mother Earth how much he loves her ” My grandmother loved that because she hugged him.. it was magical.. my grandfather had a way of making nature magical.

Around that same time; way back in the very early 70s.. my grandfather decided one night that we should go for a drive in his beat-up pick-up truck to go and chase the full moon.. I remember how he stuck his head out the window to howl like a coyote.. but he got the real coyotes going.. I remember that desert night being so bright with moon light and magic..and my grandfather saying ” You could drink the Milky Way through a straw tonight ” and it was like that in the desert ..back then anyway.. there wasn’t any artificial light .. just the stars and the moon…and on some nights the desert storms would cast their natural fireworks..

My Grandfather taught me much about the sacred… he loved to build a fire… one night in Washington.. we camped by a swamp.. it smelled so bad. I complained and complained about how much it stank.. he said to me ” That isn’t a bad smell, it’s the smell of life.. White people think everything should be perfect.” ( When I refer to my grandfather saying white people.. he meant tamed and overly domesticated people..or conformist..to him ” The Man” meant people who invented the plastic world of consumerism ) He said of the swamp ” Everything must rot and die back to make room for new life.. that smell is life.. with out things decomposing .. that would be the real crap.. Mother Earth is completing a cycle.. that smell is the smell of green ” It was from that moment on that my favorite color became green.

As we sat by the fire and it sparked up into the sky.. my grandfather said to me ” Do you see how the sparks are like the stars Gracie? Do you see how you are like the stars Gracie? Do you see that your ancestors are like the stars..do you see that the stars.. the fire is inside of you.. do you see that you are your ancestors Gracie? We are ancient.. do you see that Gracie?” I was about 9 years old..and I said ” Yes grandpa.. you helped me see I am the stars.” I could tell he was pleased.. He then picked up his banjo.. and he started to beat it like a drum.. like a heart beat.. and I knew it was the heart beat of the earth that he was playing.. my heart, his heart, your heart, the universal heart.. he began to play the strings.. and then the music took him away.. you could see his body but you knew his spirit traveled on the musical vibration.. to become one with the cosmos.. he was like a whirling dervish.. he was reaching a state of ecstasy.. he was in a trance and in communion with The Great Spirit.. The fire crackled and sparked.. orange and yellow.. black and red..and my grandfather hunched over his banjo..his long hair falling over his face.. he was star traveling.

My grandfather smelled like sweet pot and zippo lighter fluid..and he always had zig-zag rolling papers on him.. he was a hippy.. but he said.. ” Native Americans were the first hippies..the real hippies. We are not vegetarians.. that’s hippy dippy shit.. we hunted for survival not sport.. we didn’t waste a thing… our ancestors only took what they needed.. and they only left behind the hides they took.. their bones and foot prints( meaning no living will or belongings ).. that’s a real hippy.. everything else is bullshit. The White Man has to own the land; they took what was perfectly imperfect and made it into sparkly shit.. they depressed us with taking our Mother away from us.. we are wild in spirit and need to roam .. but they took that away from us and domesticated the land.. they domesticated us..and our true spirit grieves the freedom of the land to be one with the earth.” He told me then, what many people are just understanding now ” Pot, mushrooms, peyote isn’t bad; it helps us connect with The Great Spirit” ¬†As a child I loved the scent of pot and zippo lighters.. because they reminded me of my grandfather’s hugs and laughter. My grandfather’s laughter was so honest..and explosive.. it wasn’t tamed or toned down..and when he laughed everyone around him laughed.. I haven’t seen many domesticated white men laugh like that.. their social masks are too thick… they might crack.

My grandfather would tell me how much I was like his mother..he explained to me that she was like a medicine woman.. because she saw between the worlds; she was wild inside.. like a wild dove; wild woman.. she could see through people and she knew when they had bad spirits ( when they were crazy )

One day my grandfather and grandmother came to visit us in Canada.. we were living in Langely BC.. I was 11 .. It was August..and I was outside on my own collecting snakes and grasshoppers. I was a tomboy.. so sometimes I played alone because the other girls.. including my sisters didn’t like to get that dirty ..or collect snakes and bugs. I wore my bikini out into the open fields and streams .. nothing but a walking stick and a bucket to collect creepy crawlies in.. My grandfather came looking for me..and when he found me he had such a look of love on his face.. he said ” Look at you being like your great grandmother.. a wild child with dirt on her face and grass in her hair! Now show me whatcha got in that bucket!” He was like a child again..as we sat in the long marsh grasses.. feeding the snakes in the bucket grasshoppers.. I could tell he was proud of me then.. and he said ” I am so glad to get way from all the chatty women .” it was our moment.

My grandparents divorced..and my grandfather became truly free.. he was like the wind..sometimes no one would see him for long spaces of time.. I don’t think I saw him again until I was 19..he came to Canada..by that time I was living here in Kelowna BC Canada.. He met my then boyfriend..and I could tell he didn’t like him.. he said to me ” Gracie, lets for a walk in the open hills above you.” I knew he wanted to talk..and to be out in nature.. what he said to me was truly prophetic .. he said ” That boy you are with is an asshole you deserve better.. you will leave him ( I did a few years later ) Gracie what do you want from life? ” I said ” I want to get married, have some kids and own a home.. I want some land and horses.” He said to me ” You think you want that shit but you don’t Gracie.. you will get those things and you will think you are happy for a little while.. you will find a man and he will try to tame you..and he will think he has.. but he will be wrong.. because you have an ancient wild spirit within you.. The Wild Woman.. she cannot be tamed or domesticated.. you are your great grandmothers .. great grand daughter.. she had the same look in her eyes.. one day that spirit will come to a knowing of it’s self..and she will roar like a flame with in you..and he will run ( and he did ) but you will be free..and the next one who comes will be free..and he will have the wild within him” and then he continued on..” Gracie were do you think you go when you have an orgasm?” I was speechless..because I don’t think I had really had one yet..and because I had spent too much time away from my grandfather ..and so I wasn’t used to his honesty and openness anymore ( my white was showing .. I was somewhat domesticated to white shame ) my grandfather was wise..he knew it.. so he said to me ” Marriage is bullshit.. it condones ownership .. and it sexually represses..and teaches sexual shame.. there isn’t any shame in sex Gracie.. when you have an orgasm.. even if you just give yourself an orgasm..you are becoming one with the cosmos.. that is sacred..sex is sacred.. not shameful..it is natural and beautiful.. religion is bullshit.. there are no rules or doctrine to becoming one with The Great Spirit.. Nature is the only church you need..and your body is the temple.. the orgasm is the bridge to the cosmos.. ” And so it was my grandfather gave me a spiritual sex education.. he said ” One day you will walk away from this shame Gracie and when you do you will know you are a medicine woman just like my mother.. your great grandmother..and when the shame of nature and all that is natural is cast aside from society..all nature will heal.. including the Native Peoples.”

And like the wind..like the gypsy he was.. I never saw my grandfather again..and years ago he passed on.. but under the full blue moon.. while I was skinny dipping alone in the wilderness of Okanagan Lake.. I heard him speak to my soul.. and I heard him say as I stood in the hot night wind..naked and wet.. alone .. he said ” Wild Child.”

And I was reminded that I must write about him..and his ancient wisdom.

{ In memory of Cecil Ackerman }

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