Posts Tagged ‘meaning of death’

The Intimacy of Death


The first time I personally experienced death.. I was 13. It was my mother’s death at her own hand. She had been suffering from schizophrenia; the demons in her head had tortured her endlessly from the age of 14. As a child I wanted to protect my mother from this unseen force; that was very real to her. I would stay up with her in the middle of the night, to comfort her. When she took her own life; I understood why. She was having compassion for herself, it was not an act of self hatred ..but and act of relief.. it was then I was initiated into the underworld and caressed by death. I sat in the lap of death, in death’s embrace I found myself in desolateness in hopelessness and in a deep longing of intense loneliness. No one my age could possibly understand the gravity and the depth of death. Death held me with an authority of it’s intimacy between the two of us..

I learned how to free fall.. I learned that nothing stays the same, that nothing last forever but love..because love doesn’t die with the flesh.. my love for my mother lives on. I still dream of her, and miss her..but I know she in a better place..where ever that is.

There were other deaths later on..not to far behind the first..deaths of those to young to die..sudden unexpected deaths..

Down in the underworld of grief I learned.. death comes unexpectedly.

After having my first two daughters.. I found myself unexpectedly walking down a path of I lost a my first pregnancy..and then another..and another.. As I lay in the hospital bed bleeding out; looking at my baby boy that didn’t get to take his first breath..death and I had a talk.. I said to death ” I will have my son; I will fight you.” Death said to me ” You will have to go through me first.” and so I did.. I sat in the lap of death as another unborn child died inside of me.. I walked right through death as the 5th pregnancy brought forth life..the life of my son..

But I learned about the contrast of life and death; I learned that death made life so precious, so fragile and so very meaningful..death gives life meaning.

Death came unexpectedly again; to me in a dream telling me that death was going to take my sister.. was it that my many journey’s into the underworld had given me the gift of deep intuition and forewarning? This death was my sister’s to own; as the intimacy of death is that it is your’s and your’s alone to face; to experience the letting go of all that you know. It was my gift to nurture her by giving her dignity in her dying. It was my gift to give deep compassion and empathy..and to learn how deeply and completely love goes..because I would of died for her; I would have suffered for her if I could of..

Death taught me the depths of deep is love that even death will dare not go or be able to touch it’s depths..for love is all there is. In love there is no death, but death teaches us how to love..such is the intimacy of death.