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I am to old for this shit


The world is totally disconnected and on a smaller scale men and women are totally disconnected, and I am just too old for this shit. It has become much to easy for people to get their fetish kicks off snapchats, Facebook and through online dating apps than to make real, honest and truly intimate, personal connections.. and I am just too old for this shit.  I am too old and wise to go chasing after men and to go bat-shit-crazy over cock, frankly I have better things to do with my time and energy like writing this right now on my blog. I guess the problem is many women think their entire lives and spare time should be spent chasing cocky,cocks and/or competing against other women for said dick.. I am just too damn old for this shit.

As much as I seem like a bad ass rock star for going topless with my images online and having my own personal nudes in my book, I am very low key in my day to day life. I am scheduled and regimented; that means { very strictly organized and controlled } I am a single mother of three kids so in order for me to get my me-time in I damn well better have my shit together. I love my fitness lifestyle and in that I am very military. I could make the time to go out to the clubs to drink and chase after players or wanna-be-players but I would rather get to bed early to get my healing for my muscles so I can lift heavy again the next day. I would rather be spending my time on self improvement rather than being another desperate single older woman sitting on a bar stool. I am not wasting my time, on guys who just want to waste my fucking time.

And then there are vibrators; a very wonderful invention that stops good women from sleeping with assholes, because if you can self pleasure well or amazingly, awesomely well; one can wait for a man to love you rather than to just fuck you and fuck you over. I am very thankful for the invention of vibrators and I think if more women explored their own bodies there would be less desperate women to choose from; so men who play these horseshit games would have to stop games and smarten the fuck up.

One of the craziest things about living in these times of  virtual dating is that both men and women are shamed for saying they want a relationship, as if that makes you desperate and emotionally weak? It’s truly fucked up, just like slut shaming for saying you want and like sex. While wanting and liking sex is a primal need so is wanting a mate. In today’s violent society love and intimacy are seen as weaknesses rather than strengths but being cold and ruthless, self serving or selfish is seen as gangster; and we wonder why the world is totally fucked up right now.. and I am just too old for this shit.

We live in an online world were people can basically pretend to be anything they want; like happily married while they cheat on their spouses. Both men and women can pull off a false persona online while being totally creepy fucktards in person. I have learned not to waste your energy or time texting your heart and emotions to anyone online on a dating site because chances are they are married and want to fuck you secretly or they are just playing ego games with you and will not meet you in person; or when you do meet them in person they don’t want to give you their real name as their motives or intentions were never honest to begin with.

So were does this lead us to again… I am too old for this shit. Do you feel me? It seems like romance is totally dead and in it’s place a false zombie has risen to consume all of our souls. It remindes me of my ex husband’s midlife crisis, it was like ” Where is my husband and what have you done with him, you evil demon?” That is dating and romance today; it is humanity today, it seems our souls and hearts have been consumed with Snapchat filters, dating apps and online profiles that are absolute bullshit.

So what choices does that give me as a non cock chaser? Guess I better get used to the fact that I am going to be alone in the middle of the night writing on my blog….because I am too old for this shit, and too fucking wise.

Motherhood is Messy


It’s funny that once a dog has puppies she is called a bitch.. It kinda works that way. Once you become a mother your less likely to take shit from people.. you go from maiden to mistress.. in that you learn to own it. You learn to own you body for the first time in your life.. you learn about morning sickness and leaky breast.. you are baptized in poop..those wonderful breast milk poops that come out of your babies bottom like hot squirting lava.. you learn about blood.. you learn that childbirth has been made romantic and dreamy by media bullshit.. in birth you learn it’s a blood bath.. it’s all blood and water..birthing water mixed with blood..shit yes you learn to own your body and you learn that you need to be a bitch to get shit done.. to get your message across to your partner when your so sleep deprived that words escape you.. just a grunt and a point .. ” just hand me the fucking bottle!”


My girlfriend and I are both now single mothers; contending with nasty pouting exes.. both of them keeping money and assets away..both of them abusive and controlling .. mine still owns me $24,000.00 My girlfriend is going broke paying lawyers  just to do simple things..  I know that I have to go after my ex without a lawyer because lawyers fees would eat up the entire amount in the attempt to get him to pay what he legally owes. Both of us are concerned for our safety as both of our exes seem to be capable of harming us.. I really am afraid to go after him for the money.. this also is the messy part of single parenting..Divorce and separation of assets..and of course to our exes we are bitches that deserve nothing.


Being a single mother on mother’s day sucks.. both of us didn’t want to take ourselves out for a mother’s day brunch or winery tour.. or buy ourselves flowers and chocolates.. knowing that other married mother’s were being spoiled by family was a real downer for us.. we took our kids to the park.. and when our kids were busy playing we got down to bitchen in a good way.


Both of us are highly sexed women.. meaning that sex means a lot to guess what we talk about most of the time….?? The lack of good sex. How sex deprived we both were in our marriages .. and how on earth were we going to meet someone worth it? Seriously.. we both just want that guy we want to molest constantly..and the guy that takes pride in giving a woman pleasure… not just getting himself off.. no way! There are so many guys like that..


“No overly religious guys” I blurted ” I hate that fucking a good girl and let me be the head of the house shit” My Friend says ” Oh my God.. when they start talking about how God has done this or that.. I run. There is a woman I know that married a guy that was a Muslim..he was so anal.. he made her cover her head and shit.” I laughed ..she said ” I don’t think they believe in divorce.. I would rebel and come home with cum in my hair..” I BURST OUT LAUGHING..the way she said it touching her hair like it had globs of cum in it.. I was rolling on our picnic blanket busting a gut…I said ” Like with cum on your breath?” OMG.. we laughed ” I am gonna pee!” we both said..


Then we talked about living with just enough while or exes had all the freedom to work and play at will..while our entire income went into raising the kids..while they traveled and bought new vehicles.. we talked about the endless cycle of housework, cooking and grocery shopping.. about all the responsibility and about how hard it was to find free time to work, to take care of ourselves, to have any free time..and then the mother guilt that the ex husbands didn’t have..


Than back to sex again.. and eating watermelon and mango..both sexy foods you know? “What kind of sex do your crave?” she asked me ” I want someone who is physical like me and has my energy..someone who isn’t afraid to explore..and who will like it when I tell him what I need him to do.”  ” What about you” I asked her. ” The same fucking thing!” She said.. I told her ” A man that makes  you feel marked by him.. you know he is so passionate that you couldn’t imagine being with any other guy but him.. like he owns your mind and body..because no one can make you as hot as him.” “FUCKING EXACTLY.. that’s fucking you think we can find it?” ..” I hope so.” I said depressed.


” I am so sexually frustrated..doing the passion parties and reading about great sex and even having someone to re-start a spark with.. you know I am so sick of taking care of my own business.. it has been so long since I have been with a man..and then the last couple of guys that I have been with in the last 3 1/2 years since my marriage ended..well they were a disappointment .. I have been deprived for fucking years!”.. I said with utter frustration..” I think I am just so fucking frustrated.. I am on but it’s just yuck..guys that don’t give a shit about their bodies..don’t have my level of energy..they all seem boring as hell.. my vibrator will do compared to these guys.. no fucking thanks!


” Me too Gracie… me too”


So what is the fucking point to this post.. the point is mommies are not all sunshine and cookies.. we are that as well but we are also real women.. with real issues and real bodies and real needs.. that’s the point.









One commonality through my dating experiences this summer was control. Looking at the word <CONTROL> means to command, rule over, run, DOMINATE, call the shots, DICTATE *be in the drivers seat**rule with an iron hand* MANIPULATE.

This pinpoints every date.

The first this summer with a guy off whom I invited into my house to see the pictures and some writing from my book by emails that my publisher sent back to me. The game of control started with making me feel shamed or dirty for my book and work. Then it started at the gym were he chose to ignore some times and say hello when it suited him.. I tried to be reasonable by emailing him asking him what was going on but it didn’t work.. I regained my dignity by telling him not to bother me at all. No games no problems..keep it simple please. By his hot and cold interactions with me he was controlling my mood and was a control game.

Then my next experience with Mr.B.. basically he made me his escort. He had viewed my website and liked what he saw..invited me over knowing in advance that he had no intentions of making me his girlfriend. He ordered up a side of Gracie.. he fed me bullshit about looking for the “ONE” and wanting a relationship knowing that I wouldn’t sleep with him; without that intention. He was manipulating and lying. He planned to feast on me and the nice dinner, and the wine that he had set out for himself. It was very underhanded and undignified of him. He then confused me by email and by text messages manipulating me into thinking that on second thought we could start a relationship..he asked me to send him sexy pictures by text on this precedence ..but of course he only wanted to further manipulate me as to strip me of even more of my diginity.. I regained my dignity by posting his emails on this blog to scare the shit out of him.

Just this last weekend I have had a hell of a time with men..first a man that I had dated back in the spring wanted to have a second chance at me. I had ended things with him on a very angry note as he had stood me up on my birthday. He manipulated me into believing that it was all just a miss-understanding and so I gave him another chance to come to my place. I shopped for and prepared a fancy cheese, chocolate and fruit platter..and he was to bring the wine. When he was supposed to show up he emailed me saying something had come up and he was going to be 2 hours late! My response was simply NO. He then tried to tell me how wrong I was..but I suspected he had simply put me on ICE just for the sake of control and having the upper hand. He has money, and he has told me how he treats his ex girlfriends..offering them a tiny bit of hope.. having them fight over him..and the promise of him settling down with one of them with his money. I just told him.. “you just want to fuck me” ” I am not falling for this crap of chasing after you.. if you want to fuck me then just get over here and do it..stop playing bullshit head games.” but of course he didn’t after I called the game out because the game and the manipulation is the turn on. He loves the fact that he can dictate to a woman or women and have them jump through hoops.. he loves being the puppet master..if I see through it there isn’t the power rush for him…so that was Friday night.

Saturday night I went out to run into a guy that I know has the sweetest loving girlfriend..he is all over her in the clubs when I see them out together and she is all over him..they seemed in love..but as soon as he isn’t with her..he is all over me asking me to go home with him..( fucking jerk).. Like want the upper hand much?

Than another married guy.. yes he wants to go home with me.. yes he has fooled around on his wife he doesn’t want to talk about it or his kids.. I tell him” I have gold body glitter all over me” ..and I ask him ” How will you explain that to your will get all over you too?” He simply says ” I just say the guys and I went to watch strippers.”.. WOW! I am thinking the wife knows and she has decided to turn a blind eye..but I am also thinking “GET A DIVORCE” ” why live a double lie..why live 2 lives?”

At the club I was giving some people my business cards that have the link to this website..some guys asked me if it was a card for an escort service..and it gave me a brilliant idea for this one guy that was a jerk to me.. He was also off of and he had told me he didn’t want to sleep with me at first only be my friend..then on the second date he did want to sleep with me but he didn’t want a relationship with me… he just wanted to have sex with me until he met the woman he was going to marry. Of course my answer was “NO”..I can’t just sleep with someone over and over again with out developing feelings for them and he would just be using me. So the guy who said he was my friend told me he didn’t want any contact with me at all and he stopped text messaging me.. I regained my dignity this way..

I emailed him off of and asked him if he was still interested in fucking me..and that we just had to reach an agreement first.. He asked me to come over to his place to talk about it.

Entertaining the idea of the escort service in my head and just to see what would happen if I turned the game of control onto equal footing I told him that if he wanted to just fuck me..and not offer me any true intimacy, or any sort of future together that he had to make it worth my while to pay me for sleeping with him..after all my time is worth something I am worth something.. I am worthy of being given something back in return for my services and care to him.. but guess what..he had no trouble with the thought or trying to take the action of cumming in my face..and demanding that he should..but he said that he ” couldn’t let me demean myself by taking his money for sex”

Total dictation and control

Needless to say.. I left his apartment before he knew I was really leaving

I have learned something about sex this summer.. it seems through different men from all different cultures and ages.. control and domination of a woman is central to their sexual arousal.

It seems that attempting to take away a woman’s dignity and pride is a power rush..but I feel it takes away from their integrity and their own dignity it is undignified to lie, cheat, shame and manipulate others for external control..

I hope..and all I have is hope.. I hope to meet a real man one day.