Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Married again?

 

After my nasty divorce; after having been married to selfish, mean man, I never thought I would ever consider marriage again. I realize now it’s because I have been afraid the same thing would happen..because I would unknowingly attract the same sort of man into my life again. More than it wasn’t; I didn’t trust men or ever hated men, it was that I didn’t trust myself. Back then I didn’t have the sense of self worth that I have today. I didn’t love myself. I found it very difficult to be alone, I was lonely alone with myself; not anymore. I really enjoy my own company. I take good care of myself for myself. I am not desperately seeking anyone or anything. I haven’t given up on love I just understand what love is now. I know the difference between, romantic love, lust and passion vs an endearing long lasting love. I don’t date men whom I don’t think qualify as long lasting.. meaning I don’t go on many dates. I am selective.. I am looking for quality but not perfection.

I am not qualifying men by looks or money alone; I am looking for a man with heart and soul.

When I do meet him many things will be different from my first marriage.. not just that he isn’t my ex.. but we both will be mature. There will be no babies, no toddlers.. we will have more freedom to do other things. It’s an entirely new dynamic.

I am a different person than I was way back in 1997 when I met my ex husband. I was in a rush, I was 27 and I wanted a family.. I wanted babies and so I overlooked many of his flaws that were more like red flags. He took no responsibility for his short comings, he blamed others for his faults and weaknesses instead of facing them head on and dealing with them. He didn’t want to cook or do any domestic chores; he was controlling. My fault was giving myself away; being too willing to throw myself at his feet because I wanted to be a mother and he was willing to be a father. I have grown so much as a person. I know who I am ..and I know that my strengths can also be my weaknesses. I am very passionate, high spirited, dramatic, emotional, a nonconformist. I need someone who can stand up to me but also let me go .. set me free, accept the artistic, sexy little freak in me.. I know it’s a lot to ask for.. to find that in a man, and to be attracted to him physically, mentally, emotionally and soulfully.. that’s why I am still single!

But I believe for the right guy I could commit for the long term.. I think what is meant to be will be, when it is meant to happen it just will..

I think that putting romance into perspective is the key; it isn’t just about a pretty ceremony .. ( although I would love that again ) it’s about looking at things long term.. being best friends is the key.. knowing you have each others backs equally..

Life is to short to be bitter and to not hold out hope for someone and something better.

Marriage

It seems like such a sweet thing; two people meet and decide they love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. But……

All the old school traditions of marriage seem to seep in.. a little at a time. Oh I started out a free woman, working along beside him at our family business..but then…

We decided to start a family and that is when the tables turned.. all of a sudden he decided he was the MAN..and he started to make decisions without me..and about me..as if he owned me and my womb..because his unborn child resided inside of me.

Soon he started to slack off.. leaving his messes for me to clean up..and all the domestic work became mine..as all of his REAL work was more important.. he was more important..as I needed to slow down due to a difficult pregnancy ..well you know.. he was doing all the real work now..and I was starting to belong to him.

Within a year.. I had no say.. it was like yelling into a dark cave as he took my voice away. He took advantage of the fact that I was busy with a baby; that I had no family, and no one to take a stand for me. He depleted me.

Next he was looking at other women; fit, younger, single, child free women and he was comparing them to me. But when I started back at the gym; when I went to the gym to take care of myself, to get my body back.. I was selfish..because of course he was doing all the real work.. I was just staying home with a baby.

Soon I was expected to let go of my dreams; as writing a book and being an artist was just silly to him; nope my dreams had to become his dreams, my interest his interest, my thoughts about him and what he wanted..and his wants were to change constantly.. there was no keeping up for me.. I was drained.. I was trapped as he had me lost in him.

He disrespected constantly; he undervalued me, he would undermine me .. he took me away from me.

He left me because I wasn’t good enough.. he left me because we had three kids and he wasn’t getting enough attention from me..because he was the biggest, whiniest, wimp.. our children are growing up but he never will…

But when he left me.. he left me to find myself again..

And I did.

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