Posts Tagged ‘make believe and art’

Art 4 Love

Over the last several years I realize many of my paintings have been inspired by love; or the lack of it. I did some of my paintings in an attempt to stop my ex husband from leaving me.. trying to cast a magic spell of love and understanding. Of course it didn’t work..by the time we were done renovating or building our new bedroom that I created the art for; I ending up sleeping alone in it. I slept alone totally heartbroken and suicidal, hoping and praying with all my might that it was his truck I heard pull up in the driveway.. of course it never was… I was so cold sleeping alone for the first time in 14 years.. my heart was totally broken..

Then as I went on to date, after being celibate for the first year…to give myself time to heal.. I met many men who played with my heart and emotions.. I didn’t sleep with all of them..( but I did paintings in memory of them..) I just trusted them to be honest, open and caring..but all of them were incredibly selfish..so incredibly self absorbed.. while I was pining over them they were traveling .. hanging out with their friends..seeing other women..getting laid.. living it up in their selfish worlds.. while I was feeling too much.. caring too much.. thinking too much..blaming myself too much..

The guy that I recently fell for and that I am still getting over..same thing..same as it ever was.. they come into my life and pick me apart.. because they are so perfect and untouchable..more like so selfish.. and silly me.. silly dumb me.. I give them room in my heart..I make magic out of bullshit.. I make princes out of bullshitters..

Of course I am stupid. I cannot believe how stupid I am..as I am crying on my pillow..my heart ripped wide open and bleeding like a silly fool.. me painting pretty pictures of love that doesn’t exist ..but in my own head ( making love out of nothing at all ) he is out with his friends.. my heart on the tip of his sword as trophy… just like the rest of them..basking in the glory of my foolishness.. so I guess he was right I am a victim .. for who else would leave their heart open for a good solid kicking..but a silly little victim..

 

I am a silly stupid girl..to be vulnerable..and open to those who wish to steal what they don’t deserve and that is my heart and affections..

When will I ever learn?

The Goddess in the Little Girl

When I was a little girl I knew I was a Goddess; I knew it wasn’t evil to feel that way.

I just knew; and I don’t know how to explain it.

I felt that nature was magic; I just knew that all the ancient symbols of magic came from nature. I just knew that the Earth was a feminine force. As adults we like to label and place everything in neat tidy spaces within our minds..but as a child you walk with magic.. as a child the veil is thin..because you still have one foot in the infinite. As a child you haven’t yet been fully tainted and poisoned from dogma and by other’s beliefs ( fears ) the innocence is so sweet.

My earliest memories were of not belonging to my birth family; I was called a wise old soul by many. I was thoughtful and quiet.. often adults forgot I was in the room. But I was also high energy.. I had to move and go places.. I was always wandering off.. off with my horse..with the dog.. off to find wandering brooks.. rolling meadows..big sky..with big thunderheads .. and in the night I could be found looking up at the stars feeling homesick. I thought I was from the stars; I was sure of it.. that I was a star that had fallen in the wrong place.. at the wrong time.. to people who didn’t see the magic.. let alone stars.. if I would shine too brightly I would scare them.. if I spoke too deeply I would offend them.. when I asked meaningful questions that other’s wouldn’t dare even think to ponder.. I ¬†would bother them.. so off I would wander.. sometimes I would find other children like me.. not often.. but when I did we would wander off together to be Gods and Goddesses..we would disappear into our magical land.. and our powers would save the world.. we were safe with each other in the place of Amazons and Knights.

There is nothing new under the sun.. all the magic was always with us..and always will be.. but when we grow up it usually starts to fade.

Many artist manage to not grow up all the way; actors still play make-believe. Artist still see the magic; we manage not to trip into the traps of dogma.

But it’s difficult.. so many fully grown up gown-ups want us to give up..and they label our art as demonic or selfish.. evil and profane.. we are called lazy and crazy.

And I am crazy because I still see myself as a Goddess.. born on a star from a distant galaxy .. I think I was a blue star.. like Sirius..

And when I walk through the wild roses.. when I hike to the beach in my bikini.. my bare feet dirty and dusty.. feeling the Earth Mother become one with me..

I am an Amazon Goddess..and the wild roses grow like magic before me.. just for me

 

For more about the Goddess follow this link to my book

http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx

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