Posts Tagged ‘love’

Healing The Divine Masculine

 

The Divine Feminine cannot rise up or be fully awakened in women unless The Divine Masculine is healed and awakened within men. The Divine Masculine and The Divine Feminine exist within each of us as archetypes. When we find balance within we begin to create balance outside of ourselves in our daily lives and in all relationships.

Society as a whole; worldwide has suppressed The Divine Masculine by encouraging and shaming men away from their true authentic feelings. Men are shamed away from expressing their feelings and taught to deny their emotions of compassion and empathy or sorrow by those emotions being labeled as weak. When men are brainwashed into believing that their more feminine emotions are weak then society as a whole labels femininity as weak. When the feminine aspects of the soul or psyche are denied and suppressed we see this manifesting into society as the repression of women by men. With the repression of the feminine psyche we have created patriarchal rule. Basically without men being able to freely express their own inner goddess like qualities we have a society that has become highly destructive, violent and brutal.

We talk a lot about feminism and the inequality towards women but until we acknowledge the repression of true masculinity, the macho and destructive, dark shadow of repressed male emotions will continue to wage war outside of it’s self. Macho has become an entity that has taken on a life of it’s own.. it has become the monster outside of men that is the greedy corporations and warring nations. It simply stems back to all of the emotions repressed throughout the decades in each and every individual man.

How do we heal The Masculine? The Divine Masculine, the soul of man will be healed through each man on an individual level. It will be healed by the man who is authentic and truly brave enough to express his emotions, who will not deny or bury his compassion, empathy or sorrow to make other’s in denial of themselves more comfortable. The New Man .. The Divine Man .. redefines bravery as having the courage to feel and to express his feelings freely. The Divine Man will not allow other’s to define him or his emotions as weak, once a man has allowed his own inner goddess to become intimate internally with his inner god he is risen into his Divinity.

The Divine Man or Divine Masculine makes room or makes away for The Divine Feminine to rise up beside him as an equal; he is not threatened by the female power and respects her voice and power rather than repressing her emotions for fear of facing his own.. Because he has no fear of the flow of the feminine energy.. he gives room for authenticity because he is authentic within himself and true to his own Divine Nature.

A women rises into her Divine Feminine by also healing her own inner god or inner masculine by allowing herself to be angry, by not denying her own sexuality or sexual energy as being just as potent and as important as male sexuality. When both sexes heal and entwine the anima and animus within the world will know balance and peace outside of the individual as micro and macro.

Both sexes have the feminine qualities of ( feeling, expression, artistic creation, abstract and flow ) and the masculine qualities of ( action, focus, logic, strategy and organization)

When men heal their Divine Masculine and start to support women on an emotional level because they are emotionally tuned into themselves.. women will begin to rise into their Divine Feminine because they will be supported and safe in doing so. Women have had to become more masculine to protect themselves from the destructive macho energy that abuses and represses them..but once they feel safe with men who have healed themselves they will start to allow men in again and be freed from their over masculinity. Many women long for this to happen, many women long for a truly emotionally intimate connection with an awakened and aware man who will protect them so they can nurture him..

Our society has become intimacy starved by the injured masculinity on our planet. For us all to find balance, love and peace we must make a conscious space for The Divine Masculine to transform in all men..so that The Divine Feminine may nurture us all once more.

How Sacred Sexuality Promotes Healthy Sexuality

Unhealthy sexuality is defined by the fact that it causes sexual dysfunction like perversion. Perversion can be defined as obsessive and repulsive acts like having sex with animals, pedophilia, necrophilia, rape.. etc. Sexual addiction is also unhealthy sexuality as it becomes self destructive. Sexual addiction completely takes over a person’s life, like all other addictions they live their lives totally out of balance for the next rush or high that they get from sex. Sexually transmitted diseases are obviously another form of unhealthy sexuality and the more random one’s partners the higher the risk towards becoming infected with multiple STDs.

Sacred sexuality teaches us to temper our lusts with wisdom and love. Through a spiritual lens we understand the body and it’s practical functions as also sacred and holy. Sex is never just sex as it is the energy of two souls becoming alchemised as one. Lust for the sake of just pure animal impulses is seen as lower or dense energy.. lust that is channeled into love through the bridge of emotional intimacy can be used to create a long lasting and meaningful relationships. By seeing sex as sacred we make what would be seen religiously as profane, holy. But by being selective with whom we share our bodies and soul’s energy with we also create a physically healthy sexuality and emotionally healthy sexuality.

Sacred sexuality isn’t steeped in the dogma of religion or even in the dogma of tantra …. but in the practicality of the wisdom of seeing the flesh and soul as one.

The issue with having too many sexual partners is becoming numb towards true intimacy.. seeing sex as simply a physical act can make many people learn over time to push away or deny their emotions towards the people that they are having sex with.. and that is why in today’s ” Hook up ” culture society as a whole has become intimacy deprived or even retarded. By calling society emotionally retarded it means that we have become impaired towards making emotional and even intellectual connections in our personal romantic relationships, because we have learned over time to deny our emotions. We have learned through the hook up culture to deny our hearts desires to deeply, and intimately connect to one another on a soulful level.

With leaving the heart and soul out of sexuality we have forgotten how to be sensual and empowered by our sexuality rather than to be driven by it, channel it rather than have it drive us off course towards dysfunction and addiction.

Sex is powerful energy and we must learn to use it wisely and to respect it as a force of nature.. much like fire ..if you play with it and handle it without respect and care you will get burned by it.

The rule of sacred sex is that it does no harm to you or to others; not just on a physical level but on an emotional level. The problem with having sex for just the sake of lust is that eventually someone gets hurt physically with disease or emotionally by being denied the love of the other. There is always cause and effect in the Universe.. eventually the karma of what you have denied for the sake of lust will catch up and connect with you towards an intense spiritual lesson.. so be responsible towards how you play with the deep cosmic energy of sexuality, by being conscious and aware we can use our sexuality to create a heaven on earth.. in a practical and spiritual sense.

 

To Kiss Him

 

My heart will not forget him. I try so hard to harden my heart as his heart is hardened to me.. I tell myself ” What is meant to be will be.” but oh how I miss him..

Spring..a warm day as we sat on the beach.. and I looked into his sparkling, diamond, green eyes.. to see his soul.. a soul so sweet that I was swept off my feet.. and the walls around my heart; they did crumble and fall.. leaving me vulnerable and weak.. oh, how I miss him.

And the words ” I Love you.” they wanted to cascade off my lips like waterfalls of bliss.. but I caught them before they fell.. before they made a sound..but my heart still yelled ” You love him.” and I wondered what it would be like to kiss him..?

I watched his lips then, as he spoke his words then ..and I wondered ” How soft they seem to be.. how sweet and tender .. how would he taste to me ?.” and my heart broke wide open.. weepy and sweet like honey at his feet.. yet he seemed not to believe me..and why should he? So many bitter and broken women had come before me..speaking sweet words that were just candied poison..and so he miss read me.. for my heart is true.. and I am truth.. and I fell in love with the god within him..

And so he cast me off as days went on.. thinking me like the rest.. like the women who whispered of love and passion but hid the blade until he feel upon it.. leaving him bleeding and broken. I saw the wounds .. I felt his pain and with all my heart I wanted to mend them.. to hold him in my arms like a newborn babe .. to give him love to heal them.. to bring him light and love..to bring him joy and bliss..but he thought me to- good- to- be- true..and so he pushed me away from him.. and he did to me what they did to him..and because I understand; I forgive him..because I love him.. like a mother loves her babe.. because I know the soul within him..

So spring turned to summer..and summer to fall..now fall to winter.. under the Christmas moon.. my heart longs for him..and I wonder ” What would it be like to kiss him?” and I felt his soul brush with mine..or was it just wishful thinking.. and I saw him in my imagination.. his fuzzy beard.. his wavy hair..and then I kissed him..

Unconditional love

I think I have discovered it.. for someone other than my children..

It’s been 6 months since I met him.. we hardly touched.. it was a spiritual connection.. a soul to soul thing that I really wasn’t expecting and that I have no control over..

He didn’t feel the same.. but the feelings haven’t left me..and so it isn’t an ego thing of expectations.. as romantic love is defined.. you see it has no definition at all..

It’s a letting of everything that love is supposed to be..

You know.. because we think it’s supposed to bring a future..but there isn’t one here… it’s just an energy thing..

My ego doesn’t get it.. because the ego needs to define everything.. and so I can’t but a finger on why.. or how it came into being.. what it is cannot be described at all..

But the feeling is total free fall into intense vulnerability .. there is no bottom..

It’s like your heart just being broken open.. just exposed, raw and bleeding gold.. it’s just like that..

It’s the feeling that makes you choke.. sob.. and contemplate the meaning of life..

But I suppose..as I am only guessing .. just maybe..that is the reason for it.. I don’t know..

Because it’s better to feel than feel nothing at all..

And then my ego wants to believe it’s a reflection of the purity of my heart..

But is it so pure.. or do I just want it to be.. or just maybe I want to hang on to the fantasy of what I think he is..or hoped he was..or wanted him to be..

Or maybe it is pure.. maybe I am just glad he is here.. somewhere just being..

I don’t know.. it’s just frightening ..and infinite ..so big that it makes me feel so small

I feel so tiny and fragile at the enormity of it all.

The Goddess

Venus is the other side of Artemis; she is the softer side of the huntress. All of the Goddess archetypes are present in all women; but they all ad up to one Great Goddess, just as one great woman expresses her many Inner Goddesses through her daily life or at different times in her life she may express one Goddess more strongly than others. The injured Venus exists in many women today; the woman with the Inner Injured Venus is sexually inhibited by religion and the sexual repression put on women to be nice; to be good girls. Many women are sexually injured due to sexual harassment, rape and slut shaming..and so their Inner Venus is like a seed inside of them that has yet to take up root, grow and bloom.. many sexually injured women must first heal themselves by finding the root cause of the sexual injury..and then they have to give themselves tender loving care.. healing starts with self love and self acceptance.. many women have yet to embrace their own flesh and sexuality past social stigmas so that they can let their Inner Venus rise like the phoenix.. as women we need to feel and be safe to express our Divine Feminine.. so it is that we need men to rise into their Divine Masculine and protect and honor; respect and uphold the Inner Venus in each woman so that she may rise into her Divinity..and with that he rises also.. because the archetype of Venus is so buried and shamed in modern day patriarchial society.. the world has become a brutal, ugly and cold place.. we need her; her love and beauty to bring us to grace.

From the book ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine~ Available on Amazon.ca

Venus

 

Goddess of love and beauty; she represents the feminine charm and emotions.  Venus is the queen of seduction; with the magic of her charms she turns animal lust into romance and love. She takes a man’s heart with her innocence and sensuality. To the cold hard world she brings softness and tenderness.

 

She is the Goddess that rings in the spring; she represents fertility and joy; the joy that only love can bring. She is born from the foam of the sea; this shows that she is deep with emotion and quite unfathomable to the male understanding. She is an emotional mystery.

 

Venus is proud and dignified; the Golden Goddess as she shines with her attractiveness; charming men so intensely it is as if they have been filled with venom; filled with a sweet seductive poison. The poison of her charms arouses men, causing them to be won over in spite of themselves. This is the man struck with love; like the love of Cupid’s arrows, struck so hard he walks in circles, this is what sweet Venus does to him.

 

She causes men to become aroused with one look or just one sound; the smell of her perfume drives him wild and with one gentle touch he is brought down.  Venus needs him to worship her; she needs him to swoon at her touch; she loves his love and his lust.

 

She seeks a man that is her direct opposite; as she is soft she needs a man that is a strong masculine man; to her, his masculinity makes her feel even more feminine and desired; she loves to watch him make love to her. Venus loves to temper his lust; as she fills life with her beautiful touch. She loves beauty so much that she surrounds her world and his with art; music and good food. Venus thrives in the differences of the sexes.

 

As a woman she has a very open heart and a gentle touch; she loves sex so much. She loves to play it up, to build the momentum throughout the day; teasing him and pleasing him and herself. She sets the scene for love. She lives for love and loves to live; Venus is in love with love.

Make Love to Me

 

Take me with one look, across the room, I see you

 

My heart speeds up, my breath quickens, my knees feel weak, my blood peaks

 

Make love to me

 

Kiss me, softly, firmly, hotly

 

Make love to me

 

Throw me down, crush me with your body, I taste you and you taste me, I smell your scent all over me

 

Make love to me

 

Penetrate and thrust, beg me not to stop, pull my hair, and roll around everywhere

 

Make love to me

 

I want to hear you scream, I want here your release, I want to know I please, when you please me too

 

Make love to me

FLESH

 

Sweet and tender flesh

How I love the feel of a soft caress

To watch the candle light dance

To taste the finest wine

The flesh it is divine

 

My soft round breast

I hold my babe close

I nurture life from my own

Little one drink from me

From my soul

 

My breast they hold you

I hold my lover within them

I hold his head so gently

Within the warmth of me

Lovingly I expose my vulnerability

 

My supple body brings forth life

I feel it take up inside

The quickening of tiny feet

I feel the fluttering deep in me

Nothing more could feel so right

 

I love the sunlight on my skin

The green grass beneath my bare feet

The wind it touches me

The sweetness of abundance nourishes me

All is right

 

Velvet skin holds my soul in

Satin hair crowns my head

My delicateness is wonderful

My existence is bliss

Oh how I love my skin.

BEAUTY

 

The beauty of a woman’s nature is in her strength,

 

It is in her way to fight the good and true fight,

 

It is in her way to listen to her heart.

 

To quiet the suffering soul,

 

It is in her nature to nurture and put love first,

 

This is the beauty of a woman’s soul.

 

She makes the brutal world a beautiful place

 

She makes beauty from her grace,

 

She is the tree that bends in the winds of change

 

She is soft strength, she doesn’t break,

 

Somehow she finds a way to make it all ok,

 

She is the soft and tender heart,

 

She is the place to rest your weary head,

 

She brings you sweet love from nothingness

 

All of this lives within her heart,

 

A heart so boundless and abundant that she makes love from hopelessness,

 

She is a Goddess

 

She is in your dreams and in your wakefulness

 

She is the reason you exist

 

She brings her heart to you wide open

 

And it is her body that you crave

 

It is her soft sweet skin and the smell of her silky hair that you can’t resist

 

To not have her is to have nothing at all but emptiness

 

She is the one to come to when you need to cry

 

She will meet you with arms wide,

 

She is all that is wonderful to you,

 

To not have her is to have ugliness

 

To not have her is not to have a reason for life

 

To not have her is to have the world cold and hard,

 

She is the softness,

 

She is the tenderness,

 

She is the sweetness,

 

Her sensuality,

 

Beauty.


In a world of my own

 

I found my happiness… it was in acceptance. My dream about Albert Einstein helped me to become conscious of the unconsciousness of others around me..and that I cannot help them.. it is what it is. I had to learn the hard way.. like Alice falling down the rabbit hole and then attending the Mad Hatters tea party.. she realized they were all mad and incapable of seeing or becoming aware of their own madness..and so she had to leave them to it… and so I am. I had to go out into the mad world of my local community and try to attempt to be a part of society; to see that I don’t want to be a part of it.. I want to be a part from it.. I want none of it. It’s funny that they thought I was causing drama because I was drawn into their dramas.. but such is madness..

But one day.. just the other day, as I lay on the grass listening to my son’s joyous laughter..and the laugher of the other children.. I realized that I liked this world so much better.. that there is happiness in letting go of caring what other people think of you..and I realized I wasn’t ever meant to fit in to their world… my level of consciousness is much nicer..and my nightly dreams are now getting even more trippy as I let go and just go with it.. my mind is free of them and their babble,, my spirit is soaring once more… and I am back.. back to myself..and I know now what happiness is.. it’s finding yourself.. your inner bliss.. it’s the love of the simple, sweet moments I spend with my kids.. it’s my workouts,, it’s cooking wonderful organic meals… and sunrises and sunsets.. it’s writing here on my blog..it’s putting paint on canvas.. it’s the deep conversations I have with my teenage daughters about growing into womanhood..

I feel down the rabbit hole..and I fell for the madness.. but now I am back to my senses..and back to myself..and I realize now I shouldn’t of ever trusted madness to define consciousness..there is madness of doing and doing and getting nowhere..but right back were you started…and then there is the good crazy.. and that is being in a world of my own.. the place deep inside of myself.. were I make magic into art.. I give method to madness..now that is my kind of crazy..

let them have their nonsense.. it’s a long road to nowhere..

I will be baking pumpkin pie :) and enjoying life

I wanted him not Isagenix

 

It’s like a English comedy.. it’s so sad it’s funny. He put up posts on his Facebook about health and fitness.. I didn’t agree with some of the things he posted so I asked him if he would like to meet in person to talk about health and fitness.. little did I know he was sizing me up to become a part of his team..to help him build up his team so he could make money selling a starvation weight loss product. It is much like Herbal life was in the 80s. My dad used to sell that shit. He had his head in the clouds; daydreaming constantly about the millions of dollars he was going to make. My dad yo yo dieted for years on that product.. he spent many hours of his life and energy working his ass off for nothing. Most of the money he made he spent on product. But he would have windfalls now and then..but that was just fuel to keep him going. It was such a waste of time.

But anyway.. I had no idea that was on his mind; I thought when he was critically checking out my body for any imperfections he was judging me because of my book or something? Because I had no idea? He was looking me over to see if I had fat to cut LOL.. it’s hilarious..but so sad. For one thing I am in the best shape of my life.. my body isn’t perfect.. I have had three kids.. I have a c-section scar.. I am not a bodybuilder so I don’t strip all the fat off my body, but I have great muscle tone. I am super fit! But the sad part is.. somewhere in between locking eyes with him and in between our conversation I felt myself very attracted to his soul and personality….he doesn’t look like a guy that goes to the gym.. but that didn’t matter to me.. but the sad thing is..and the funny thing; almost Mr. Bean type comedy .. is that he didn’t see a sexy, healthy woman, who could be a potential mate in front of him.. all he was thinking about was making money!.. It’s just so fucked up! I am not angry when I write this.. I am not mad.. just shocked at what I learned when I went back to his Facebook to find the Isagenix link.. I mean seriously!? I have the worst luck in dating! And it wasn’t a date.. it was a sales pitch! A SALES PITCH! OMG!!

And so I saw the Isagenix link on his Facebook..but I didn’t really research it much until tonight.. just to see if I really missed out on anything big or special..because I met with him again.. not fully realizing that it was all just a sales pitch.. ( I AM SO STUPID ) and I gave him 2 hrs of my time.. and I cut my workout at the gym short to meet up with him on his schedule.. to pour my heart out..open my heart and tell him my sorry about how bullied I have been in my local city promoting my book about women’s sexuality.. I told him in detail ( while trying not to cry ) how I was sexually harassed with my son present by a local business man.. me not knowing that he was just trying to create an emotional connection with me to sell his product to me.. ( I AM SO GULLIBLE )

Then after the meeting I told him by text message that I was attracted to him and that I had romantic feelings for him.. he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship ( no he wasn’t .. he was looking to sell me shit ) So who is the biggest blundering idiot? Him or me? Probably a million guys would think he was an idiot for passing up having a chance with me.. but I bet a million men and women are thinking “Gracie you are so naive!” but I did feel something was up…

But back tracking again.. in our last meeting I read his tarot cards for him ( for free.. I do make a living doing this..so he got my 2 hrs.. cut into my gym time and got a free reading that cost $100 ) but anyway the cards said he had met someone..when I told him he blushed  { so I thought it was me..and that was stupid because a reader cannot read themselves into a reading ..but I thought just maybe it was ) so that’s why I told him I liked him ..but anyway I went back and read my cards afterwards and the reading came up with deception… I confronted him..asking him if he was believing gossip about me from our local community.. he told me I was paranoid and had a victim mind set… { REALLY NOW } I was just wrong.. or maybe half wrong.. cause they probably are gossiping to him..but he was the deceiver; it was him not being upfront and honest with his intentions to begin with..and because of that he triggered my paranoid response..but seriously after all the shit I have been through that I openly and honestly told him about..It’s not paranoid it’s street smarts.. I was right to  be careful..

But the sad part is.. I really miss taking to him. I really liked him..in an honest and open way..I liked him when he was just being himself and not a cheesy sales man..

Not only would I never sell that product; because I don’t believe that starvation diets work. I don’t think they are healthy. I don’t believe in multilevel marketing businesses..only %5 are successful because they were the first %5 to found the top level ( duh ) but even if I wanted to sell the product ( I don’t ) I have the shittiest network in Kelowna.. they have back-balled me for my book..they are totally prejudiced against me..and he knew it! How selfish of him..or just being a blundering idiot..what was he thinking? Was he really that greedy and selfish to use a single mom for just a wrung in his ladder of success.. to play with a woman who is so emotionally raw and vulnerable..so he could manifest his abundance..his convertible?

It’s funny and it’s sad.. just like a comedy of errors..

Guy meets hot bikini clad woman on the beach but can’t see her past his daydream..

But at least my head is out of the clouds now.

In love

 

I didn’t expect it to happen.. I don’t know exactly what happened.. I thought you would just be like the rest of them.. just another guy but you have something so special inside.

It was like an inner, tiny, micro explosion when your eyes locked with mine.. all of the walls that I carefully kept up..that I had built with fear and apprehension.. fell to dust… when your soul met mine.

And now I am confused..so powerful and supernatural ..so transcendental is this transformation of my heart from caterpillar to butterfly.. that I feel so humble as the holy light of dawn rushes in were only darkness once lived.. the melancholy turned to bliss..but a bliss that is so fragile.. leaving me weak and vulnerable.. such is the love of words not yet spoken.. held tenderly in the heart so fearful of once again being broken.. how you have me under your spell.. that I can not believe that you could also love me like this? Could you? Could you love as the moon loves the sun’s first morning kiss?

Could you love in the dreamy dream of the moonstruck madness of love not yet spoken of.. not yet spoken of between me and you.. as a candle freshly lit.. the flame yet to breath in the reality of its own existence.. the miracle of what it is just becoming.. a light to light the world and many candles yet not knowing the joy.. the joy of you ..of your eyes.. the light of your soul that I see dance beneath your diamond irises .. how could you be so beautiful? Could you love my soul as I love yours? Oh how we have lived such parallel lives.. how we walked the same roads and talked to the same people.. never to meet but suddenly to meet like this.. how could you love me as I love you like the beat of my own heart?..  others will divide us.. even though our souls are of the same light.. we are kindred in spirit .. we beat with the same heart..but our lives are so different.. they will tear us apart. But even so.. I love you anyway.. for your love has opened my heart.. your love has set me free.. your love has softened me.. from the brutal cold hearts; the mean and the cruel.. you have given me back wonder and innocence.. wings to fly.. you have unlocked the prison that they trapped me in with their cruelties .. you are poetry..the painter of my soul…you have given my wounds sweetness and balm.. you healed me instead of injuring me.. you my love pulled arrows from the breast of the swan.. you are my song.. music and delight.. you are a pleasure just to behold in the sun’s golden light.. I see your soul glitter through your eyes.. your voice like the warm summer breeze.. sounds so soft as madrigal poems.

But I know this.. meeting you has made my heart so delicate.. like rose petals and gossamer wings… like silken threads of spider’s webs.. my heart it is so sensitive… and so I weep of words I dare not speak should you not feel the same for me..should I break the spell of love so sentimental that the luxuriousness will be lost by your denial..and so I write here.. my heart sequestered .. I hide away in this secret place least the fairy dust should settle.. the fall to earth would be more than I can take..for my heart has already been shattered, I know I would break.

Could you love like this too? Could you love me like such a childish fool? Of all the things I will dare to do.. of all the dangers that I willingly face.. I cannot tell you to your face.. that I love you..

Yes there is love at first glance.. you are the one who showed me that.

Listen to the music

I created these art selfies in the park while being inspired by the piano man. I wanted to show you what the music looks like.

So many things and so many people have broken my heart.. my mind has been greatly troubled and my demons had their way with me.. Everything surfaced when I met with another person who is quite popular and well know in my local community. I knew our experiences were night and day.. I knew that meeting with him would prove to be painful.. yet I had to try.. just try. But afterwards I saw that he was very good friends with many of the people who deliberately hurt me.. by excluding me from organizations.. by being prejudiced against me as an artist..because I don’t create safe wine art..or coffee table art..or decor.. my art is raw and meaningful..sexual and passionate.. intellectual and intelligent .. my art is controversy and so I am controversy.. but the old wounds that didn’t have time to heal..that were still seeping in pain..burst open.. and my mind was filled with the worms that came from the can of worms that was reopened.. upon meeting with a man who has so much more than I have.. one that is my direct opposite in comparison towards being fully accepted vs being labeled as inappropriate..

musical magical spell

So I finally cried myself to sleep last night.. finally the damn burst inside of me..the frustration weeping from me ..turning into silent hot ..scolding tears of the words that couldn’t give verse.. to expressing the rage..that words cannot explain..but only hot silent tears can tell.

I was still in my funk when I took my kids to city park.. my oldest daughter wanted to sunbathe as she did her sketching..and my son wanted to skateboard with the big boys.. I was bitchy from feeling surrounded by Kelowna..feeling sick of Kelowna; as we drove up to find some event going on in the park.. but as we set up..and spread our blankets..unpacked our snacks..the music started to play.. live music..and I felt my self .. start to relax.. I felt the anger start to leave me.. as my children played..and the music played..and the burning sun, kissed my shoulders..

musical bliss

Then a man who wrote his own music and lyrics started to play the piano..it was only him..his heart..and the piano.. and he played it will all heart..

the music in my heart

I felt the tears well up..and my heart climbed into my throat.. his music was so rich.. opulent .. he turned joy to sorrow and sorrow to joy.. it was as if his fingers played the keys and then my heart at the same time.. it was the music.. it broke the evil spell that was cast over me..by me comparing myself to them again.. knowing that they all laugh at me because I am nothing like them.. I, myself knowing, I couldn’t ever be like them.. knowing I will never fit in.. I will never be accepted by them or be appropriate to them.. but somehow the music cast a new spell..a sweet spell of magic that brought me to my knees on the inside.. I prayed to the music as I was present with each note.. fully there on each scale..and then the crescendo broke my heart wide open.. raw and vulnerable .. pure but damaged.. I was with the music..with the passion and purity..with the sweetness and the rage.. ripped apart..wide open ..a bloody heart full of feeling..ripe and bleeding..

music

And I knew this artist playing.. I knew he knew that none of this shit matters.. none of these people matter.. it’s the art that matters.. it’s the music.. it is the creative bliss that makes one bleed on the keys of the piano.. they all listen to him..but it is just him and the piano and they are one.. one with the universal flow of creative energy.. the life force.. and so artist die to their craft to be truly alive…

crazy artist

Every artist walks with a heart that is never fully mended.. we take our pain and we use it to paint our bliss..

blissful surrender to the music

Many who read this will never understand what it is like to walk the earth with your heart bleeding droplets of ruby red…

Manifesting My life Partner

My sister 1986 at 17

I should start this with the dream visitation I had from my dead sister last night.. but I am going to start with the Instagram conversation I had with a relationship coach; who is in a great relationship..and tells people how important it is to have great sex everyday. I told her that I don’t have a soul mate to have sex with everyday..and that it’s getting on my sexual frustration nerve that everyone is bragging online about the great sex they have. She suggested that I am responsible for my own lack of manifesting my soul mate. I found this pretentious because ( it is ) and because of all of things that I have done to manifest said soul mate.

First I had professional counselling to help me heal from the affair and the abandonment of my ex husband ( because it’s important not to be bitter when manifesting love )

Then I made up a manifestation board suggested to me by a relationship coach who gave me a reading using love cards.. So I made up this poster board full of pictures of how I wanted my next relationship to be. Lots of travel and spontaneity; I want to live in sin and be like gypsies. I want him to be kind, funny, talented, passionate and eccentric.. spiritual and romantic.. someone who would be great to my kids but know that he didn’t have to pretend to be their daddy.. someone who could handle my passion, temper and fire.

Then I had some professional boudoir photography done; to help me get in touch with my inner Goddess.. my Divine Feminine and this led me to using boudoir photography in my book and then writing about the Goddess.. ( You think that would of been enough to manifest a great man right there! )http://bookstore.balboapress.com/Products/SKU-000576933/The-Goddess-an-Expression-of-the-Divine-Feminine.aspx  link to my book

I purchased loads of lingerie.. I have a drawer full of it..

I hit the gym hard to ground myself into my flesh and sexuality ( and because I love to be fit just for me ) I took belly dancing, pole dancing and burlesque classes.

I decorated my bedroom using feng shui colors and placements to bring love and money into my bedroom.. I have two treasure chests by my bed .. one is for me and one is for him..one full of feminine decorations and one full of masculine decorations. I did paintings with romantic ancient symbols for lovers .. so many paintings that they are all over my home.

I purchased crystals and tantra candles..and with two heart shaped candles I did a ritual for manifesting my soul mate.. in my bedroom is a brass cupid with a crystal in his bow and arrow.

I purchased angel love cards.. and from Italy I purchased the heart shaped tarot..so I could place the lovers card by my bed with a rose quarts heart on it..to manifest this soul mate..

It has been six years and he hasn’t manifested.

I took action by joining several different dating sites.. sometimes I would go on fifty quick coffee dates in sixty days.. but these dates were funny, sad and even sometimes creepy.. after a couple of years of trying to date online and meet someone at local events.. I just went off line and stopped trying..because it was all the same guys.. just pointlessness..

So either manifesting doesn’t work..or I just suck at it?

But now to the dream of my sister that I had last night.. in the dream…

( My sister who had died of cancer was somehow in my bed; she held me close as I wept on her chest.. I cried so hard because I knew it was just a dream.. I was lucid dreaming. I wept because as she held me I could feel how tiny the cancer had made her.. how weak her muscles were..and in the dream I relived in an instant the terror of loosing her..of feeling helplessness towards a disease that had complete control of her body..of me keeping her safe ..” I just didn’t want you to suffer .. I just didn’t want you to suffer.. It isn’t fair how you suffered and died like that ” I bawled in her arms.. she said to me ” You did everything right Gracie. Everything we talked about when I was dying.. you lived your dreams.. the dreams I didn’t get to live because I was afraid.. you were so fearless writing your book.. doing what you did to help all women..it was a true sacrifice and the karma has been building over here in the spirit world for you.. you have good karma on the way..great karma Gracie.. just hold on a little longer. Did you feel me on your walk yesterday? In the wild roses? I was the roses that surrounded you to remind you of your childhood dream.. you know they are my birth flower.. and my birthday is on the 2nd of June..it’s my birthday soon.. I used the roses to show you how much love there is for you.” and then in my dream I cried harder knowing that I was going to wake up soon..I could feel it..” but they all hate me now for writing my book.” I wept.. tying to hang onto the dream..to her.. ” Just a little longer Gracie… just hang on”

And then I awoke in actual tears.. but I felt her spirit and the dream linger… ” just a little longer…”

So just maybe this manifestation thing might work after all.. or maybe I am just dreaming?

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