Posts Tagged ‘loner’

I am so lonely


I am so lonely because I am just not good with people; I am not good with people because I think to much. I am not good with people because I feel to deeply. You would think my curses could be blessings.. but it’s been out of balance. I am too different. People say ” Be unique ..shine ” But honestly people don’t like it when you do.. it makes people uncomfortable so when people are uncomfortable they get annoyed; when people get annoyed they lash out..and because I am very sensitive and I over think everything..I take it too hard I guess?

I have learned freedom is an ideal and that there is a price to pay for real freedom.. it means you will not be accepted; sometimes you will even be hated.

Artist are often not acceptable; unless they are creating works of art for mass market production.. like nice coffee table books, or singing already popular lyrics.. because people have already become comfortable with the ideal.

I don’t know.. maybe secretly I purposefully pushed people away from me.. writing the book that I have written; about women’s sexuality.. pissing people off using my own image in the photography.. taking apart religions?

But even if people don’t know me for my book.. maybe I give off ( Don’t touch me ) Don’t touch me because I don’t want you to hurt me. Don’t look at me that way… because it hurts me ” Wtf are you looking at?” ‘” Stop judging me with your glares and stares because I don’t look like you; move like you, think like you or talk like you” ” Just leave me the fuck alone if your going to be a fake asshole”

Of course I do the same thing to men.. I mean it’s not like I haven’t tried to let a few into my heart and bed.. but they lied and they hurt me… They say whatever you want to hear.. or they get insecure and the judge me.. because how dare I take such good care of myself.. it must be because I want lots of men..not just one good man. I must be a slut or fucked up somehow.. it’s like that.. I scare the good guys with my ambitions and attract the bad guys with my ambitions.. so now I don’t trust any of them.. the good guys say things to hurt be because they are being defensive and the bad guys tell me what I want to hear just to get laid.. so I am touch deprived.

It’s only human to want affection and attention.. it’s only human to want to be social and to socialize.. but I just don’t know how to do it. I can meet people and carry on conversations but I go too deep after a while.. I am too deep.. I am too much. I am too smart..and they say it most of the time like it’s a bad thing for a woman to be that smart.. for a woman to be intellectual and philosophical.. to be that into health and fitness.. I annoy people.. I make them uncomfortable..

But I get so lonely from time to time.. when my kids go to their dads..and I have time to realize how alone I am.. I see couples every where I go.. I see groups of people with tons of friends.. they are all so normal.. and they are happy that way..

I guess the only hope for me getting a man is to meet another weirdo like me.. another eccentric.. freaky, overly sensitive artist.. that needs to be alone sometimes.. and then needs love and affection sometimes..

Another gypsy perhaps..

Or maybe I am just being a delusional dreamer again.. that cannot spell..has horrible grammar.. who goes from highs and lows.. because artist are not too horribly stable sometimes..

Until then I will just keep myself from the desolation of horrible loneliness by writing and taking selfies. ( that will piss some people off I am sure )

oodles of onomatopoeia

Luv.. sounds like love.. represents it somehow but isn’t quite it.. like the hope of it..but it never quite materializes into the object that one desires.. dating.. it’s fucked.. so you follow?

It’s like you meet someone and everything seems like ” Ya this is the one” it’s like a click and whirl.. a spark and a ” Thing.. thingy..thing” and like wow! ..but it falls before it walks..then it crawls and then you hide..because the whole fucking episode was so fucking disappointing because it seemed to have so much promise {hope} and then you’r like crawling away with an arrow suck in your fucking heart..that you thought was going to be all sweet and romantic like.. ya know what I mean? But it’s a fucking arrow .. and you’r metaphorically bleeding all over the fucking place because that stupid little bastard Cupid got his shit all wrong again.. ” What the fuck kinda drugs does the little retard take?” and you’r like.. ” I would rather be alone.. fuck this shit!”.. Yup that’s dating!


Then you think.. ” Ok I can’t find anyone to be in a relationship with.. just maybe I can handle just having sex with that hot guy/girl.” But no.. no… NO.. that shit never works for anyone.. if they say it does..they are heartless or lying.. cause shit gets messed up when you start messing around with that.. you get emotionally attached to the wrong person.. and they are the wrong person.. yes they are because you cannot find love and intimacy with them.. just sex.. just cold sex. And so there is all that karma** always something ** like** cause and effect.. yup~~~~~ what cums around goes around~~~ and it”s like a bad rumor it comes back at you like a wave that started as a gentle little wave.. just gentle like great sex with no strings attached ( ya know ) but then it gains momentum and like a tidal wave comes crashing down and with a destructive force that creates drama and heartache .. ya it’s good stuff.. sounds like great sex.. ends up a fucking Jerry Springer Show.. so I would rather be alone..

Sounds like cuddles.. but it’s not.. nope it’s just PJs worn alone with some popcorn.. alone..and a movie you watched a million times.. things you have done a billion times ALONE..

Looks like a smart sexy man.. sounds like a smart sexy man..but it’s not.. it’s a messed up loner.. with a boner.. who just wants to get it on and then get gone_ _ _ _ _ hit the road jack and don’t ya cum back no mo no mo _ _ _ _ _ don’t cha cum back no mo!

Sounds like a single dad.. nice single dad.. but nope he bad.. bad.. bad man.. who tells you what you wanna hear when you wanna hear it to >>>>> slip it –  INto – gear – dear

I would rather be alone..

Sounds like adventure.. looks like the exciting type..but nope it’s all hype..  con.. con.. con.. convict! ========= RUN!

Sounds like Youth Group Leader.. seems like caring type.. but he liked his under-age step daughters more than his ex wife… sounds like Youth Group Leader really means child molester….

I would rather be alone at home and like refrain from all the bullshit.

It’s just me and my dictionary.. my vibrator.. chocolate and planning my next training session at the gym.. It sounds like’s just grunting and sweating..well it kinda looks like sex with my clothes on in public sounding like a porn star.. pounding the shit outta heavy metal.. but it’s like not sex..but it’s a good sub for sex..

Cause like at this point.. it’s safer than sex..

Because sounds like luv.. looks like love..but doesn’t end up being love..

And that really is just too gawd damn bad.. fuck.. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!