Posts Tagged ‘Kelowna’

Entrepreneur .. what I learned about failure

 

 

 

I have failed in attempting to promote my book in my home town of Kelowna BC Canada..

The first thing I learned …what I am made of; I am very tenacious, resilient, and determined. I went through incredible hardships doing my best to bash through social prejudice, sexism and bigotry put upon women’s sexuality. I learned that I am pretty strong.

I don’t think my approach would of mattered. Given the subject matter of the book; given that I am topless in the photography and that I candidly wrote about women’s sexuality and used my own sexuality in the book as an example.. I don’t think I could of approached anyone differently in my community .. or by approaching them differently would I have seen other results. By what I have been through I can see by a couple of years experience that these prejudices and sexisms are very well established in our society.. and they are..

1. To be taken seriously as a professional don’t publish topless images of yourself. But it’s ok to publish them of other women if that is your profession

2. You must have a degree to be taken seriously

4. You must know someone or many people within the professional and arts community to be given any help or press releases

5. You must be a part of a networking click to be acceptable

6. To talk about, write about, be about your sexuality as a woman, you are asking for harassment, bullying and to be shut out.

I failed by not knowing my society. I failed because I was childish in my perspective of others. I failed because I underestimated how conservative and repressed my local society is.

Looking back at what I know now; I wouldn’t of even attempted to retain some ground or a speaking platform in my city. I wouldn’t of put myself through such grief, pain and suffering.

I would simply of kept my work online and kept myself away from all of the ignorance.

I was given a wonderful opportunity from Chapters in Kelowna to have my book put in the local authors section. But looking back now, now, that none of them sold since the book signing and so the contract has been cancelled..but looking back now I wouldn’t of even attempted that.. as Kelowna is clearly not my market.

I know that if I did become successful by chance by promoting my book online; Kelowna would fully accept me..but I will not be accepted by Kelowna in any other way..

So the biggest lesson was to know my market.. but I honestly couldn’t of foreseen the intense prejudice in Kelowna without having directly experienced it myself..and it truly does blow my mind.

I have learned how naive and unsophisticated I am .. I was like a child in creating my book and dream.. like a child in expecting that I had equal rights..that I actually had freedom of expression as an artist in the first world.. instead I found that I dredged up what was at the very undercurrents of western society..and that is we haven’t really come that far at all since the 1950s as far as equality and women’s rights ..or for the rights of minorities in general..

I have learned this is truly why my book is needed..and why a new organization or society needs to take up root..so that we can truly live in our supposed freedoms and equalities ..

Even though I am sad at my failure and that I haven’t experienced any form of success in Kelowna.. I am proud of myself for working as hard as I have worked at it over the last couple of years..

By God what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger..and you sure learn.

 

Purchase my book The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine off Amazon.ca

Follow me on Facebook and Youtube..and here on my blog.

HELL IN DISGUISE

 

 

The seduction is the world, it is the ego telling you your lies are true, it is the ego saying give them sweet lies.. give them words that you don’t live by..and then confuse them by telling them that is how they will find a storyteller; but the entire time it is you..tell them to be kind while secretly you are cruel..tell them to include others while secretly you and them only live for you.. living in a lie, if it is told to a select few it is so easy to do.. give it them with tears in your eyes..being kind to those who don’t need you to..and exclude from your party of fake and phony friends..the real people who need you to extend a hand.. this how you end up in the place were you are.. in a place of the back biting snake den that you thought was heaven but it is really your self created hell. You call them friends, but they only will accept your lies as soon as you try to break free they will be pulling you back in..they will whisper seductions of conformity..they will tell you just to calm down as they like the illusions that you have built with them.. cause you can feast with them, and you can have speaking engagements with them and tell yourself and them it such an important message..that never leaves your circle or your snake den.. you and your fake friends.. no you can never leave magician your caught in your own silky smooth talken..so eat your nice little chief’s surprise..and your specialty deserts.. and stab it with your knives.. and keep living in your sweet seductive lies.. like your bullshit, like your fake friends, like the shiny brass lives you love to lie in.. I would rather die.

 

Hotel California

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
Ad she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted
She got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said ‘We haven’t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine’
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They’re livin’ it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (What a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling
The pink champagne on ice
And she said ‘We are all just prisoners here, of our own device’
And in the master’s chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can’t kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
‘Relax’, said the night man
We are programmed to receive
You can checkout any time you like

To all the fake in Kelowna..fluffy..fluff blowing in the wind.

Prejudice

Prejudice- unreasonable unfair dislike of someone or something, to cause a disadvantage to.

I am writing to you about my most recent experiences of being singled out of society because of my work on the Goddess.

When I first started my blog..well I lost about 40 friends on facebook.. many from high school who wouldn’t accept who I grew into.. when I used my sensual photographs on my blog that I posted on facebook.. I was pretty much ran out of the townhouses that my kids and I lived in..because of course I was a (slut)..a ( drama queen) and a ( unfit mother) to name but a few names I was called.. it became like a witch hunt and it started to trickle down to my kids..and so we moved to a house across town.

But it was just the beginning..as I started to ask around town for a place to do the photography for my website.. my emails were ignored, I was shunned, and shamed.. by local Wineries and local Gardens.. I drove up to one Public Garden to ask them face to face why they had not answered my email..before they new it was me that had emailed them they told me they answered their emails same to next day.. when I explained the content of the email.. I was told ” you are not welcome in our Gardens.” right in front of my kids..when I asked if I could pay like everyone else to just take my kids in to look around..they walked away and ignored us..

I was reading the local paper one day and an write up was in it about the local Entrepreneur Society.. with an email so I emailed him..I sent him the cover shot of the book and I told him what the book was about and what the website was going to be about.. I told him about the problems I was having. I told him I thought his society could help me learn how to network better and that I may learn from others how to promote my book.. I gave him my phone number.. he told me over the phone that the picture of the book cover gave him a hard on.. my thoughts were ( fuck not another asshole) but yes he was.. he wanted to meet me at a nice little coffee and tea house.. I told him that I was bringing my 5 year old son with me..I explained to him that although the content of my book is about women`s sexuality and the website was going to be about sacred sexuality.. that with my son with us at the meeting I wanted the talk to be kept clean. No such luck.. first off my son must of read his energy because he wanted nothing to do with this older man.. right in front of my son.. he used the words FUCKING..and he talked about father`s fucking their daughters.. he went on about native people being the worst for this.. ( he was racist) he wanted to know how I had gotten into sex..why I was so interested.. had my father fucked me..

I left the meeting sickened..and feeling so hurt for my son.. who was sitting there eating his cookie and drinking his milk.. my poor little innocent boy watching his mother being totally disrespected and treated like dirt.. I did write him an email after a couple of days.. I was in shock.. this was in May of 2012.. this next email I am including that I wrote to a friend has been what has happened to me in the last 3 months.. I just don`t feel like typing the same thing all over again so I am just including it..as it is my email to her and I am just leaving her identity out of it..

 

To start off, I used the picture of me nude with the runes to show my self naked and stripped of my ego..that was the symbolic intent. It is to show strength in vulnerability.
*sigh* I have been sad.. the post was to show that I have detached myself from the world and society.. here is why.
To start the man on twitter that proclaims himself an Angel.. turned out to be married for 29 years.. in a sexless marriage ( or so he says) he wanted to skype with me when his wife and kids were busy… my intuition was very clear as to he wanted to have online sex with me.. it made me feel so sad and hopeless towards men.. that even a man that seemed so (good) could want to use me.
I have said somethings to the other so called Earth Angel the European guy on his art page but he is also just a man on a power-trip as well.. he just ignores me after telling me that I was the love of his lives.. having him tell me I was his twin flame is to say as much..and so it is that these men.. drain away my hope.
Then a man that held the Bella Dona event that I read the book at.. was pissed off at me for not wanting to be his woman and to write a book with him.. I asked him for help as to contacts here in my city to hold a Goddess Group.. he became very arrogant and temperamental and insisted that he help to run things with men involved as well and that it wouldn’t work any other way.. when I was polite and wished him well and told him I would go on my own way.. he blocked me on facebook after wishing me a good life.. ( meaning go fuck yourself)
Then a very well known man..that is a patron of the Arts here in my city.. got the wrong impression of me .. we were friends.. I made it clear to him that I only wanted to be his friend.. I am not attracted to him physically as he is much older than me.. any way we went out one day to a winery.. and he started to say some questionable things like ” Gracie you are like a black widow.. ” of course this means that I use and discard men.. I think giving him a reason to not respect me..as it seems they always have to find a reason to discredit you to give themselves permission to treat a woman like shit.. after a day of drinking.. I went to his house..when I was putting my shoes on sitting on the stairs.. he came up behind me and pulled my dress off my shoulder and cupped my bare breast while kissing my neck from behind.. I didn’t know what to do.. I don’t know why but for some reason I was stunned and I let him because I was scared.. I don’t know why but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I gracefully separated myself from him and talked my way out the door.. before this I had given him a copy of my book that he had not read yet as I gave it to him at the beginning of the day.. I thought being a patron of the Arts and being an older man that he would be mature and educated enough to understand why I was giving it to him..as I was looking for support in the Arts due to our very repressed city.. but he started to text message me a few days after with intense sexual messages like ” I want to suckle your breast.” Then when I saw him at a local Arts show..he pretended not to know me.. he wouldn’t give me eye contact not even when I touched his arm..as I am a risk socially to a social climber, mover and a shaker.. I felt USED again.. I talked to him on facebook as I was afraid to meet with him..because I didn’t want to be felt up again.. or have to tell him to back off.. He told me I was ” as sexual bully.” meaning a tease of course.. I wished him well as he continued to tell me off..I unfriended him..I did so before he had recontacted me with the explanation of him ignoring me in public.. what a mess.. what a mess.. I have lost hope in men.
But women have been just as cruel.. I was hushed at a reading..the woman that held the party..that hushed me..because I was offending people.. had everyone come inside so it was more private.. everyone else read from their work..and sang and so on.. I was hushed in the middle of my reading and then once inside not asked to read again while all the other woman had their peace.. I was so hurt..she said sorry to me in hushed way..but I was not given room to read anymore.. she never contacted me on facebook after that.. there was a woman there as well that runs a spiritual business.. ran by her alone.. she told me I was too much of a warrior and that basically it was by my own doing that men have treated me the way they have..my 5 year old son was at this gathering with me..as 5 year olds do he was acting up as he was tired.. he was pushing on my tummy ..because that is how high he is..she said he was pushing on my ovaries as a defense because I was a threat to his little masculinity..then without asking me she felt she needed to do some healing touch therapy on my little boy.. It got worse..she invited me to a meeting with her a couple of days later..were she told me I wouldn’t be acceptable to society because of the pictures on my website..she went so far as to suggest that I was not spiritually enlightened unless I abstained from sex ..and that when I met the right person.. I should wait 3 months before even kissing them..and if the sex was not great that we could create intimacy through just cooking dinner together ( she has been divorced 3x) she went so far as to define the word whore to me and the root of the word..she told me that Woman in Business from my city wouldn’t except me as a speaker or a business woman unless I made myself less of a threat sexually by buttoning up in a business suit..she told me that my thoughts about giving birth to my light body .. well were just my thoughts..and that the proof would be in how I stopped living out of my lower chakra..and that would be when I stopped giving off so much sexual energy..and I was not seen as a threat to other women..as a potential husband stealer.
Before she had said all of this ..she seemed very much like she was supportive of me..she asked me what my biggest sin was sexually.. I felt I could confide in her without being judged .. so I told her.. and she proceeded to shame me..
I unfriended both of these women on facebook.. I stopped following Women in Business on twitter and told them why..that she had told me that I was not acceptable to their group.. I have felt so bullied myself.
My Arts Council took my post off their wall.. that I was looking for a male model..they did so without giving me the common respect of an explanation..and so I unfriended them on facebook as well as I feel I am not respected as an artist nor as a person..
I have been so hurt.. that I have stayed out of society.. do not go to any events.. I do not try.. I am not trying.. because I am only excluded.. labeled.. judged..used by men and as a scapegoat by women..
And then when I have the guts to say that I am hurt.. I am once again labeled a victim..and then of course it is all my fault..because having a so called “victim mentality” I bring their actions on to me..by my own manifestation of them..
And so it is I am in this world but not of it.. as I have to remain detached in order to make my own way through the ignorance of others.
I have always been different.. I have never fit in.. I was born an old soul.. that is the label that they gave me.. or what they called me.. I have run into other old souls.. and we don`t fit in because we see the world as it is..we make other people uncomfortable.. I am a minority and I have always known this.. this why I like other people that are different .. what others see as strange I take comfort in.. I like being around people of different cultures and ways of being..ever since I was a child my best friends were the ones who were real and authentic..but that makes a lot of people uncomfortable because if you are real .. it shows them their fake..so you get shunned and shamed.
I have a gift for my City .. Kelowna.. all the names that I have been called ( Victim, Whore, Slut, Seductress, Bad Mother, Unacceptable, Offensive..etc) this is not my shame this is your shame.. SHAME ON YOU.
This is not revenge.. I am not taking part in your victimization of me.. I will not.
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