Posts Tagged ‘Inner Demons’

I Dream of Buddha

I have had a very difficult few days promoting my book online. I have been called many names, and I have learned of lies and gossip spread about me; and I have learned of those believing the lies instead of listening to the truth. I have been directly contacted and told by some how horrible I am. How I am pretty but it is a shame that I am so negative. I am negative for telling the truth about those who have discriminated against me. I have been told I am an unhappy person in denial by those in denial of the truth of their own behaviors, actions/in-actions towards me. Many allow the discrimination by turning a blind eye to it, because to admit that it is happening would mean they would have to do something about it. They don’t want to help me because it would disrupt their comfort and positions in society..

I experienced a huge range of emotions.. from hopelessness, sorrow, shock, anger and then my in my conscious defense ( humor ) humor to fight the ignorance and stupidity.

Last night before falling asleep I asked the Universe or the Divine for a dream to help guide me or to help me.. this is called lucid dreaming. I have been able to lucid dream since I was a child; but I am not always answered by the Divine or Universal Energy.. but I was last night.. I am finding as my struggle with society begins to become even more heated that I feel the presence of the I AM.. with me directly. The dream I had last night almost feels miraculous ….

” I sat still and motionless on the lily pad.. I was the small green fog. I was still within the pod.. I floated without effort..I was the lily pad. I quietly opened to the sun..as my petals peeled back one by one and my fragrance filled the air.. I was the lily. The light breathed through me.. I carried it with in me.. I was the air. I burned my warmth forth without effort.. I was the sun. I looked within.. I was in everything; I wasn’t trying, I just was.. the Buddha.” ~ The Dream

I hope you can see the beautiful humility in the words. Humility is the greatest force of The Divine.. it is only through humility that we find the God/Goddess within us. It is only through humility that we are able to see through or own egos and the egos of others..

The Buddha didn’t speak to me but spoke through me and through the peace of tranquility .. The Buddha carried both the masculine and the feminine in my dream… this represented balance again..or the still center. In my dream the Buddha was blue.. this is the color of truth.. and the Buddha was showing me it’s eye wide open.. it was the color of tropical waters or turquoise.. the spiritual meaning of turquoise is peace.. meditation, mediation, protection, comfort, calm, stillness, healing.. turquoise is the color of basic truth and deep wisdom.

The Buddha was telling me that I am dealing with ego’s that are steeped in illusions .. My society and all society is mesh of illusions projected by ego.. the emotions of these egos.. or their projected perceptions of how they see themselves and how they see the world is being projected onto me..as they attempt to label me to fit me into their illusions. I am provoking their response by not allowing myself or them to tangle me up in their illusions.. to be my truth or the truth is highly offensive to them..as their illusions give them great comfort, status, wealth or prestige in society..the only way for them to find Nirvana was for the Buddha to find Nirvana.. by seeking only the truth past illusion or ego..

If I were to accept their illusion.. I would be crushed by it.. as they seem to have to put me into the victim role for them to excuse themselves from their own dysfunctional attitudes and behavior… and that has been denial of their own egos..

And so it is that I find Nirvana.. by seeing the truth.. for truth ..by the stillness and humility of internal balance.. meditation.. by being the Buddha within all things..

And so it is that this dream brought me peace, protection, tranquility..and the power to keep being the truth.

{ 3 things cannot be hidden long;

The sun

The moon

The truth } ~~ Buddha

My Inner Demons

 

I couldn’t sleep last night because my inner demons tormented me.. I crunched numbers in my head.. trying to figure out how on earth I was going to pay all the bills on time and have extra money to buy my kids the extra things that their dad refused to buy.. I cried and my heart raced with panic. My inner demons screamed at me ” They would be better off with their father, he has all the money, all the luck and people love him. No one will ever love you, you will never be successful.. people can’t stand you in this city.. you should give up. Give up everything, no one wants you or your message. Remember they told you that. They think you are a whore. They think your a looser, single mother, they think your crazy. GIVE UP!!!” I cried as all hope left me.. “What if I am a fool, what if it is all true.?” My demons screeched back to me ” Of course it’s true, your own brother and sister hate you. Your ex and all of his family deserted you. People will never understand you; you have never fit in and you never will, no one will every get you. Your not lovable, your detestable.. you are a social reject, no man in his right mind would want to waist his time with you and your bad luck.. GIVE UP!!”

I told my demons ” Shut up, stop jumping on my heart, stop trying to break my heart and my spirit.. I need to sleep.. I need my health.. I need my piece. I will ask at my gym for a job tomorrow.. I will find a part time job somehow.. I will get by… I will.”

I had nightmares all night.. of all the people in the professional community that despised me.. all the people that made cruel comments on my blog and facebook.. all my struggles.. nightmares of my ex and loosing my children.. nightmares of people breaking into my home to hurt me.. I woke up a lot.. in the morning I was sad.. so sad, tired and drained from stress and sorrow.

I did go to the gym.. I did ask for a job.. It is so hard for me to ask anyone for anything..even work..but there was no position available until maybe September.. then my demons started at me through my work out ” Your ex will not pay for school supplies and school clothing for the kids.. your fucked, the kids are better off with him, you can’t do it.. no one wants you to work for them.. ” I kept working out.. I kept at it.. I did my deadlifts .. increasing my weights up to 45 on each side of the barbell.. should be more than 100 I am lifting with the barbell.. My trainer told me I am pretty.. another lady at the gym told me I am looking good.. ” Hang on to that Gracie” I think to myself.. ” Hang on to the positive.” my demons say ” They are just being nice stupid.” ohh how they are tormenting me like never before..but I work through my entire workout..and no one knows the conversations within; as my nasty, rotten ego pounds the shit out of me.. I cry in the shower at the gym..were no one can hear me.. I give in and break under the torment.

” Hang on” I think.. ” You can do this, you can make it through this.. remember the facebook message..the guy who said he has a business opportunity for you.. maybe this will be the thing to get me through this.”

I got home and I called him.. but .. but.. but

He wanted me to help him promote his online escort service through my erotic writing.. ” It can make you a lot of money.. a LOT OF MONEY$$$$$$$$.. It’s not about pornography” he said.. I questioned him with ” Is it legal?’ ” Yes he said..and don’t over think it.. that’s your problem your making it too complicated.. you think to much.. this can make you a ton of money ..think about it with a business frame of mind.” “but” I said ” My website and book are about sacred sex..about sex for love..this will go against everything I stand for.”.. ” Just think about it .” he cautioned me..” Be wise and give it some thought.” So I did.

Driving to pick up my kids from school my demons said ” You need the money to support your kids.. just think about having more money than your ex.. just think about the exposure on a world wide market selling your writing and getting your name out into the world.. think about fame and money..think about supporting your kids properly.. sometimes you just have to give in and do what the devil does.”

It was raining..as my children ran out of the school doors..but they wanted to stay and play as usual.. I sat under my big green umbrella ..hiding myself even after the rain stopped.. because I didn’t want the children playing to see my sad face.. I thought to myself ” look at them all innocent, beautiful and sweet.. I don’t want them growing up in this world were integrity is sold out for money.. were sex is a commodity that is stripped of love.” I hope no one saw the odd tear that slipped down my face.. I was so ..so filled with sorrow..

I remembered the day that I took the pictures for my website.. I saw myself then.. filled with hope..filled with divine inspiration to unite love and sex.. to bring back the sacred..even when those dirty old men hid behind trees to see me naked.. I knew what they didn’t know.. I was swimming upstream.. like the little salmon.. swimming up to the future to deliver the next generation to hope..to dream .. to aspire.

And I knew I couldn’t sell out..

Just then my son came running up to me for a hug.. my little kindergartener.. his hood up to protect him from the rain.. his blond, scruffy bangs blowing in the wind.. his bright blue eyes filled with wonder.. his sweet little pink cheeks and lips.. and he put his cheek into my hand..and said ” Mommy I love you.”

The demons were silenced.

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