Posts Tagged ‘Grace’

Grace is hard to find

 

It is interesting.. I say it is interesting because my mind works that way. Somehow I am able to rise above emotions and see things just in patterns or circumstance..so it is interesting that people have labeled me a victim due to my book and website that are about the freedom of women’s sexuality and about creating women’s equality through their sexual freedom.. it’s interesting because this is what makes all women victims of society and because I spoke out about it, I am about it; the victimizations have been placed on to me.. interesting yes?

I have been shunned by the professional community, I have been labeled as ” inappropriate ” for speaking out about those who sexually harassed me, who spread rumors about me, have outright told me not to show up at professional events, or who have ignored my request to join organizations or who have outright denied me the same rights as others, or equalities because I dared to show them what was unequal. I brought to their attention ( Rape culture thinking and attitudes ) to have them, then express them to me.. and then upon speaking out about these people and the inhuman things that they did to me I was then labeled as enraged, crazy, vengeful and revenging.. when simply I was pointing out the facts of the situations and behaviors. Interesting how blind people are to patterns and behaviors.. how blind we become to thinking something highly dysfunctional as normal and rational.. then calling the person who is being rational .. crazy.. but isn’t this the ” Crazy making behavior ” that is placed on to women by emotionally controlling and abusive men? To answer the question.. yes it is.. it is even a relevant term. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.

But it is a cruel and unforgiving world for most women who exist and express themselves outside of social norms and nice-ities .. niceness is treasured regarding women. Without male approval the world becomes a dangerous place and love and acceptance are held back from the woman who steps out of line; who miss behaves past the lens of male approval.. and so it is she becomes a victim by straying past her allotted boundaries .. how dare she. But isn’t that much like an abusive relationship? To answer the question.. yes it is. Because a man must control his woman by societies standards to be a real man ( bully ) because society bullies women, abuses women, we are not safe without male protection but then society makes sure we are not safe from him.. because he has more rights than she does..and so Grace is hard to find..

Love is hard to find if it doesn’t include equality..than and even then..is there love without equality?. How civilized are we that men do not truly protect women but instead use their physical strength as a brute force measure to keep women world wide in line? ” You have come along way baby.” is a farce.. women’s rights a joke.. smoke and mirrors as we are not truly free. Every woman; should she be like me is one small step away from victim blaming, slut shaming and rape culture thinking..that is ” your asking for sexual harassment, your asking for rape and at the least disrespect..”‘ because your skirt was to short, your make up to dark, you were out to late at night, you were having sex outside of marriage, you were raped on your date or beaten because you asked for it… ”

So the interesting thing is to look at my book and website, the photography the entire creation of expressing a woman’s sexuality; using myself as the control group..and you can see by the way I have been treated.. how I cannot be successful with this creation due to a male power based social system that will not allow it..because I am asking for it..for disrespect, to not be taken seriously..and then I am victim shamed for the victimiztions placed on women’s sexuality as an over all..

And so love is hard to find, as vulnerability and a soft heart are not protected by the male side of the human species .. but instead fed upon by inflated egos, lack of emotional intelligence and overall immaturity and ignorance.. yes Grace is hard to find

Near Death Experience and the Ego

 

I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.

I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.

In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.

What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)

I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..

As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!

But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom

I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.

As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.

Wedding Bliss

 

 

I have searched for love out side of myself.. only to find it evade me like the mist… to evaporate as I tried to grasp at it.

I have listened to others tell me who I am and what I want.. only to be left wanting.

I have had my emotions controlled by men who tell me what I want to hear..as they feed off of my my energy.. and I have been left ..not empty..but with just parts of me..as I have given away to them what they truly stole away from me.. and so it is that I have searched for the key..but I have searched for this key outside of me.

I blamed myself.. for their lack.. I saw this lack as something lacking in me..and so again the pattern emerged inside of me..as pieces that I missed.. ohhh how I missed myself ..all the time thinking that it was someone else that I missed.. feeling lonely for what I thought was him.. but all along it was me I missed.

I listened to words of idealized romance.. I listened to him speak only of himself.. I listened to him tell me what his needs were.. I listened to him as he told me who he was and what he believed in.. I listened to him as he tried to make me into what he thought was his ideal.. I listened and I listened as I was nothing but stealing away from myself..but I blamed him.

And so it is just very recently it happened again..a man that seemed like a God.. who told me when I was dreaming of Angels it was him I was dreaming of.. he told me he was the other half of me..and he believed that women were empty without men but men were filled endlessly.. yes he said he loved me, yes no one could compare to the love that he had for me and that I should have for him.. just believe in him..and only him, faithlessly as this would prove my enlightenment and that I am indeed worthy of such a great love that only he.. my Twin Flame could give to me and I to him..and so it is the power began to shift from me to a man. It was all to be on his timing and his plan.. as it was all in his sense of good timing that we should be together..and then I felt the drain again… but this time..a light came on.

I found the key..to my patterns.. I found my heart.

I found that love has always been with me and that I have never been empty.. and any man or person who needs to steal energy from me.. has not found this key.

I found the love.. I found that it exists in the moment..of gratitude for all that is.. I am complete.. I am in contact with my higher self.. I am the Angel in my dreams..not him or anyone else.. I am the love that I seek..and it has always been so.. am The Bride and The Groom..in knowing this I am whole.

I walked in to the shadows.. In the light of my awareness of who I truly am..my shadow self becomes so much less..as I am so much more in my new awareness.

My Angelic Self.. lifts me up from the ashes.. as I am transformed.. I am that I am.. there needs be no more..than this.. I am love

And so it is…

I wed bliss..

Links