Posts Tagged ‘forgiveness’

The Seduction of Kelownafornia

 

Before I moved to Kelowna to start over after separating from my cheating husband, I was the type of person that loved simplicity, nature and spirituality. I loved staying at home with my children and working part time on the family business from our 110 year old farm house. I have always been intensely spiritual and very physical. I really enjoy working outside and being with nature on a spiritual level. I have never been one for crowds nor do I need a lot of friends. My circle has always been small due to my spiritual sensitivity that makes me emotionally sensitive. I had no idea that Kelowna would make me into a monster eventually.

I am not what they made me into. I am a home body; I love to cook healthy meals, garden, and be domestic. I like to keep my home clean and fresh because it makes me feel good, and on a spiritual level it keeps my energy flowing..on the level of intellect and intelligence it is a metaphor for a well organized mind. I am much the same with my athletics, and before I had my children I was also very athletic..and so athletics keep my energy grounded due to me being very whimsical and spiritual.. being physical keeps me here on the earthly plane. I am not what they ( Kelowna society ) made me into.

When I first moved to Kelowna as a single mother who had just lost the baby weight, I came across jealous and catty women. I am not like that and I have been naive to women like that. I honesty didn’t know what to do with the catty and bitchy behaviors and so I sometimes blamed myself. But that was just the beginning.

I am an artist, writer and spiritualist. Since I was a young girl I had the dream and vision of writing my book { The Goddess, and Expression of the Divine Feminine } so when our marital house sold and I had the money to produce and self publish the book I joyfully undertook my spiritual mission. By my unworldiness I had no idea how horribly it would be received by Kelowna society and culture. I was so naive and childlike to think that it wouldn’t not just offend many but intimidate many as well. Not only did it intimidate many but it also branded me as a gold digger and whore..and I was treated as such. I was systematically shut out of society ..now to the point that I cannot be employed due to what I have online to promote my book as the subject matter is freeing women from sexual repression and I am topless in some of the photography that expresses the Goddess in typical Greek fashion. Now I know.. you would think that it’s art and so artist should be free to express themselves and then move about society freely and with all their rights intact.. but women’s rights have so much father to go and we haven’t even begun to free women from repression as my personal story proves.

I also refused to meet personally and alone with a very wealthy man that is basically The King of Kelowna, that own’s businesses and land in Kelowna.. he showed me how powerful and worldly he is by having me thrown out of all privately owned local gyms in Kelowna.. I have had to take down everything I wrote about my experiences with him so that he doesn’t continue to attempt to crush me by attempting to make me suicidal or to actually suicide. So yes in that way he has won. I am the weaker in the fact that he has the ability to pull strings like a puppet master and make people do horrible things for his favor.. but did I miss a golden gold-digging opportunity or did I escape with my soul?

How do I forgive all of these people? How do I forgive a man who could of shown me mercy but showed me only pure cruelty? I forgive them because I have to; I have to forgive them because I don’t want to become them. I was becoming them while trying to fight them. I was becoming them by becoming bitter because justice wouldn’t come.. mercy wasn’t to come to me by them and so I have to have mercy upon myself by releasing them so that I can go back to myself..because they branded me The Seductress while they seduced me into their worldly mess of over competition and affluent-disease. You see everyone wants to be rich here at all costs and they compete against each other ruthlessly to obtain more than others. They compete against each other in the fitness community as nothing is ever good enough and then they make themselves sick by over dieting and over working their bodies..they make themselves sick with jealousy and greed.. and they pulled me in and seduced me with inflicting their ruthless nature onto me..and I lost myself as their names or branding stuck to me like a mask, covering my true divine nature. Kelowna’s spiritual community is also a reflection of Kelowna as those involved compete to be the most enlightened and of course that leads them away from true enlightenment. True enlightenment comes from being present in our humanity not by denying our basic human nature. Spiritual detachment doesn’t mean being detached from empathy and compassion towards other’s struggles or suffering..but we accept suffering to move through suffering; we move through suffering by seeing the gifts of wisdom found in that suffering..and so Kelowna’s spiritual community is lacking in wisdom and true depth.

When I wrote my book I didn’t know what ” Business Branding ” was ? I was just a child-like artist with a wonderful idea; I was just a spiritualist that wanted to gift the world with The Divine Feminine to help humanity find balance and peace. I was just an nerdy intellectual that wished to help educate the ignorant to enlighten..but to them, I just thought I was ” all that ” to them I was competing and trying to reel in rich men like The King of Kelowna..

I got caught up in the rat race.. on a hamster wheel going nowhere because I didn’t ever want to get to where they are.

I am so glad I was pushed out now. I am so glad to be moving out of Kelowna back to me and back to simplicity.

I can hardly wait to find my quiet and solitude so that I can hear my spirit guides and the Goddess speak to me that much clearer.. I finally see though the fog and confusion.. and I am leaving it all behind..

To garden, paint, write and run like a child in the sun.

POWER of the GODDESS

My heart was like an over ripe cherry, that has been rained on in July.. bursting open.. dripping sweet dark juice.. a love for him that I cannot deny..even though I try.  And so I drove into the woods to be with Mother Nature… to rest my heart in the hands of the Goddess.. to give her the love that he wouldn’t accept or acknowledge ..

As I walked upon her; I removed my shoes..to become one with her on the sacred ground..the sacred place I go to feel her the most.. and I said to her ” Great Mother.. I need you.. I need to know you intimately .. I need to lay my heart here so that you may heal it with your love.. my heart is an over flowing cup.. and it bleeds.. I make a mess of everything.. I shouldn’t of told him how I felt.. I shouldn’t of done the things I did in the pain of rejection.. in the pain of his words.. I shouldn’t of said the things I said.. were are you Mother?.. Goddess.. love and creation.. please take my heart and stop the bleeding.” and then I felt her.. I felt her so strongly.. I hadn’t felt her like that since I was a child..when I would wander for ages.. avoiding my abusive father..and she would hold me.. she would touch me with her winds and warm me with her sun..and sing me sweet bird song.. and she would remind me that I was her child..and that I was a Goddess.. and then as I felt her and I remembered .. these memories from so long ago.. I felt her speak to my heart and she said ” I am here under your feet.. I am the ground you walk on and I am the air that you breath.. I am the food that nurtures you.. I am in your mother and the mother of your children.. I am your mother’s mother..and her mother too..and my dear I am inside of you.”

I and I cried..and I was humbled..and I was held in her mercy.. in the mercy that no one has shown me .. and then she reminded me of my own sacredness.. she has no shame in her sexuality.. she has no shame in giving birth to new life..in openin up the doorways to death..and her womb to conception.. she makes love to all things.. to all things she loves.. she loves them with gentleness and with tough love..for she is fierce like me.. she sweet like me.. she gets angry like me..and she gets hurt just like me..and she gives to much to those who don’t deserve it .. just like me.. and she gets used just like me..and she gets abused just like me..but she isn’t a victim.. and I am not a victim of them.. I am a survivor.. just like her.. she storms and she rages..and then she forgives and she blooms.. she loves again even after all the abuses.. even after all hope seems lost.. yet she gives hope to the hopeless.. and shelter to the homeless.. for she is home..she is the heart of humanity..and she is me..and she told me ” Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are and what you survived.. don’t ever be ashamed of showing anyone your heart.. don’t be ashamed of asking for help, for love and for friendship..because you deserve all those things.”

And then I walked with her.. upon her..and she showed me beauty even in death.. she showed me how the deer carcass made the flowers grow… how the sweet stench of death.. is the metaphor for the sweetness of the sleep of death before rebirth..she showed me bone washed clean in the water and the sun..she showed me wild fruit..and and she called the hawk to me to show me how to soar above the pain of other’s words and judgments .. to see that it is their fear..it was his fear.. it was not mine to fear or to blame myself for what he couldn’t see in me.. that unlike the hawk that can see for miles and miles..he saw what his fear showed him..and it’s not my fault.. but my fear reacted to his fear..and so I must forgive myself.. I must forgive him for his own humanity..and she walked with me.. and she held my heart.. and she said to me ” Your heart is full of sweetness.. like the cherry it just wants to nurture someone with it’s abundance..and that is what an open heart exists to do.. someone will come along that sees all of the good and the bad in you..and they will love you anyway..just like you are able to do with others.”

I am a Goddess.. I am like her.. I want to be untamed..and wild.. I want to dance naked in the moon light..and swim naked in the dark.. My house is full of sacred things..bones, stones, feathers.. special things that keep me close to The Mother.. My name means Love, Flower and Farmer.. and it wasn’t given to me by accident..it was given to me by her energy..because it describes my soul.. I want to grow wild things..and I want to lay in wild flowers..and I want to love with abandon.. I don’t want to calculate love.. I don’t want to over think love.. I just want to be love.. to give love..and to be loved..

Like her my body is wonderland.. my body is abundant and decadent .. it is food..it is nurturing.. it is marked by birth and babies.. it is like fruit..sweet, tangy..and I love the scent of myself.. I smell wild.. I am crazy.. I am a gypsy .. I think with my soul.. I am intuition.. I feel so much.. I am so sensitive..my feelings and my body to the touch..

Like her.. my roots go deep..my sensuality is all of me..there isn’t any separation from my sexuality and my mentality..for I am present..as she is present.. in my heart, my soul, my mind, and my flesh..because the forbidden fruit is the one that feeds the soul..

And one day when my bones are made pure by the surf and the sun..I will be reborn through her sweet softness.. I will be in the womb..the womb within the womb..a sweet and sensual dance as ancient as the stars..

This stone represents the sacral chakra.. pleasure

And so my heart..it still runs with sweetness to overflowing .. like a July cherry burst open by tears that fall like summer rain.. but I wouldn’t want it any other way..tis the heart of a gypsy…crazy and untamed.

Stay Sweet

 

We all live in a world were everyone is pretending .. it’s just the way it is. It starts in high school. Everyone wants to fit in.. be popular.. liked and accepted. We are shown through media projections; by branded personalities how to be cool.. how to put on the social masks that everyone worships and adores. But by doing so we loose ourselves and our true identities and so we become bitter. We become bitter by fear.. fear of rejection.. we become bitter because we sell ourselves out.. for social acceptance, and we think social protection. But if one becomes popular and adored by many people for projecting a image that they want.. we are truly not accepted at all..because we are not really being ourselves. So you can have the love of many while not being loved at all..and worse… you not loving yourself.

The most difficult thing to do is to really be yourself and love yourself past other’s insecurities and social rejections… but it is the only way to stay sweet..it is to stay and be vulnerable; to be humble. Courage is putting your heart out there..while knowing far well, that you will probably be rejected. When you are truly authentic, open, raw and vulnerable you are a threat to those who wear the thickest social masks.. because you are their mirror. A truly authentic and raw person is clear and blinding truth to those who are in the greatest denial of the social mask that they wear; and so it is that the nerdiest, nicest, sweetest and strangest people are the most rejected by society. We make people uncomfortable..because conformity is comforting.. the sweetest and most loving people wear their hearts on the outside..so we are labeled as victims by those who would victimize the open hearted for the very fear of being open and vulnerable themselves.

In the worldly way.. being truly vulnerable is labeled as weak.. but who is really being weak? I think those who have lost themselves in groups of people and organizations have lost.. those who are vulnerable and have the courage to constantly lay their hearts on the line.. well this is true strength..to put your heart out, even though it is wounded..bloody and raw from being constantly rejected.. attacked for being open.. seen as a target.. this takes in credible strength.. people like me .. we are true spiritual warriors.. because we are giving the world and example of the compassionate heart.. even thought it is constantly being torn and ripped apart by those who fear true depth and feeling.. those who have been hurt and cut.. sometimes they are the one’s that will cut us the deepest. But being truly vulnerable, real, raw, authentic and open regardless of constant emotional, mental and spiritual attacks, takes the greatest strength.

We live in a very cold and plastic society.. not just in my city.. even though outsiders confirm that their is a higher than normal concentration of assholes in Kelowna BC.. but the only way to open other’s cold and fearful hearts is to stay open and brave.. to stay vulnerable .. raw.. broken .. and compassionate.. it is to do our very best to forgive them..because in their, inner terror, they are lost..lost to themselves.. washed away .. in the conformity of fitting in..rather than standing brave.. being nerdy.. goofy.. making mistakes..failing..being perfectly/imperfect ..

Stay sweet.. stay open.. an love no matter what.. because love favors the brave.

Don’t let fear and bitterness make you bitter.

honesty

 

Compassion or sympathy for yourself is not being weak.. having compassion brings us to the understanding of our feelings.. or our emotions.. this is very important as our emotions are the internal compass that guides us and directs us down the correct path or paths of our lives.. when we turn off our emotions and deny our pain we loose direction in life.. so we must be honest and truthful as to our intentions, needs and wants.

My intention has been to become as free as possible.. it has been to help others experience this freedom with my intention to be as honest and as compassionate with myself as possible by honoring my feelings and my journey..as I am on a very human journey and our journeys mirror each other..there is much in my writing that many can relate too.. I hope to help other’s find their own compassion for themselves..

I have found it.. I have found self love.. I have found it down a very dark and sometimes scary path of intense loneliness.. but we all need to do it..we all need to have an amount of time in our lives to go into those dark places of the soul to mine our treasure.. to find meaning.. without other’s approval and with out material baggage..both of these things we can use to define us..but they truly do not.. for it is the heart and the intentions in the heart..that define the soul.. it is in the heart of compassion that the mind becomes clarified and cleansed of past experiences and traumas.. and so it has been this way for me.. I have found my treasure and it is my strength.. I have not failed.. I thought I had as I was defining myself through other’s eyes.. I was defining myself as the world would define success.. but on a spiritual definition I have found in myself so much more than I have ever thought possible.. I found compassion..and in that compassion for myself.. I have found compassion and the ability to forgive others.. I have learned that forgiving happens it steps and stages.. it takes time..as one has to feel each emotion to follow the pathway to the destination of forgiveness; as it is also a journey along the heart..

I have learned there are many that are not capable of understanding deep wisdom.. the wisdom of the Goddess..and other Divine wisdoms.. and in that knowing I can begin to forgive them ..as they simply do not know any better than what they are able to understand.. with this.. I can let them go and continue down this trail that I am forging.. that I am creating as I go..as it is my Divine Purpose to do so… and with that I can love myself and others… I can love the journey.. I can love the experience..and when I come to those times of intense hopelessness.. ( as I will again) I can forgive again and come to compassion.. I can love regardless of how other’s treat me or how they affect me,, this is true unconditional love.

I have learned not to give myself away to those who do not deserve me.. but I have learned to let them go with love..

Even if my book is not worldly success.. my spiritual journey with The Goddess Energy.. has been my success

As love is the destination.

I Forgive Him

 

 

 

 

 

 

He was told not to cry. He was told to hide his feelings. He was told to be strong. He was told to be a super hero. He was shown how to disconnect from his heart. He was shown that his worth was in the amount of money that he made and the amount of things that he could purchase with his money. He was taught that he could purchase me if he made enough, if he had enough, if he competed enough, if he won enough..he was taught, he was told that this would make him KING. The stress of the world was put upon his shoulders.. his heart wavered. His rational mind took over.. yet all he ever wanted was love.

I forgive him… and I hope he will forgive me.

 

 

 

 

I hope he will forgive me for my anger. I hope he will forgive me for not seeing past the illusion of the world. I hope he will forgive me for warring against him.. and so it is that I disarm him with this love.

He is the soldier, the grunt, the dog-face, the gunner.. he has the blood-lust written on his face..the fight..a constant fight..one that can not be won when the heart has turned to stone.

I soften him now..with this..with compassion..to remind him that he is human and that his heart and the connection to his heart is all I ever wanted.  I am gentle now as I show him that I am his people..that I am the other half of what he has always missed.

I ask him to forgive me too as I have forgotten this..that I am him and that he is me..as the heart has two chambers the brain two sides.. we are one in this life.

I was taught that you are the head..and I am the heart..but this was a lie of religion to split us apart..for we are of the same mind and we are of the same heart..let us never again be torn apart.

We are one..we are solidarity

Let no dogma..no propaganda come between us again

We are love

And I love you dear man.

 

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