Posts Tagged ‘fool for love’

Art 4 Love

Over the last several years I realize many of my paintings have been inspired by love; or the lack of it. I did some of my paintings in an attempt to stop my ex husband from leaving me.. trying to cast a magic spell of love and understanding. Of course it didn’t work..by the time we were done renovating or building our new bedroom that I created the art for; I ending up sleeping alone in it. I slept alone totally heartbroken and suicidal, hoping and praying with all my might that it was his truck I heard pull up in the driveway.. of course it never was… I was so cold sleeping alone for the first time in 14 years.. my heart was totally broken..

Then as I went on to date, after being celibate for the first year…to give myself time to heal.. I met many men who played with my heart and emotions.. I didn’t sleep with all of them..( but I did paintings in memory of them..) I just trusted them to be honest, open and caring..but all of them were incredibly selfish..so incredibly self absorbed.. while I was pining over them they were traveling .. hanging out with their friends..seeing other women..getting laid.. living it up in their selfish worlds.. while I was feeling too much.. caring too much.. thinking too much..blaming myself too much..

The guy that I recently fell for and that I am still getting over..same thing..same as it ever was.. they come into my life and pick me apart.. because they are so perfect and untouchable..more like so selfish.. and silly me.. silly dumb me.. I give them room in my heart..I make magic out of bullshit.. I make princes out of bullshitters..

Of course I am stupid. I cannot believe how stupid I am..as I am crying on my pillow..my heart ripped wide open and bleeding like a silly fool.. me painting pretty pictures of love that doesn’t exist ..but in my own head ( making love out of nothing at all ) he is out with his friends.. my heart on the tip of his sword as trophy… just like the rest of them..basking in the glory of my foolishness.. so I guess he was right I am a victim .. for who else would leave their heart open for a good solid kicking..but a silly little victim..

 

I am a silly stupid girl..to be vulnerable..and open to those who wish to steal what they don’t deserve and that is my heart and affections..

When will I ever learn?

I wanted him not Isagenix

 

It’s like a English comedy.. it’s so sad it’s funny. He put up posts on his Facebook about health and fitness.. I didn’t agree with some of the things he posted so I asked him if he would like to meet in person to talk about health and fitness.. little did I know he was sizing me up to become a part of his team..to help him build up his team so he could make money selling a starvation weight loss product. It is much like Herbal life was in the 80s. My dad used to sell that shit. He had his head in the clouds; daydreaming constantly about the millions of dollars he was going to make. My dad yo yo dieted for years on that product.. he spent many hours of his life and energy working his ass off for nothing. Most of the money he made he spent on product. But he would have windfalls now and then..but that was just fuel to keep him going. It was such a waste of time.

But anyway.. I had no idea that was on his mind; I thought when he was critically checking out my body for any imperfections he was judging me because of my book or something? Because I had no idea? He was looking me over to see if I had fat to cut LOL.. it’s hilarious..but so sad. For one thing I am in the best shape of my life.. my body isn’t perfect.. I have had three kids.. I have a c-section scar.. I am not a bodybuilder so I don’t strip all the fat off my body, but I have great muscle tone. I am super fit! But the sad part is.. somewhere in between locking eyes with him and in between our conversation I felt myself very attracted to his soul and personality….he doesn’t look like a guy that goes to the gym.. but that didn’t matter to me.. but the sad thing is..and the funny thing; almost Mr. Bean type comedy .. is that he didn’t see a sexy, healthy woman, who could be a potential mate in front of him.. all he was thinking about was making money!.. It’s just so fucked up! I am not angry when I write this.. I am not mad.. just shocked at what I learned when I went back to his Facebook to find the Isagenix link.. I mean seriously!? I have the worst luck in dating! And it wasn’t a date.. it was a sales pitch! A SALES PITCH! OMG!!

And so I saw the Isagenix link on his Facebook..but I didn’t really research it much until tonight.. just to see if I really missed out on anything big or special..because I met with him again.. not fully realizing that it was all just a sales pitch.. ( I AM SO STUPID ) and I gave him 2 hrs of my time.. and I cut my workout at the gym short to meet up with him on his schedule.. to pour my heart out..open my heart and tell him my sorry about how bullied I have been in my local city promoting my book about women’s sexuality.. I told him in detail ( while trying not to cry ) how I was sexually harassed with my son present by a local business man.. me not knowing that he was just trying to create an emotional connection with me to sell his product to me.. ( I AM SO GULLIBLE )

Then after the meeting I told him by text message that I was attracted to him and that I had romantic feelings for him.. he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship ( no he wasn’t .. he was looking to sell me shit ) So who is the biggest blundering idiot? Him or me? Probably a million guys would think he was an idiot for passing up having a chance with me.. but I bet a million men and women are thinking “Gracie you are so naive!” but I did feel something was up…

But back tracking again.. in our last meeting I read his tarot cards for him ( for free.. I do make a living doing this..so he got my 2 hrs.. cut into my gym time and got a free reading that cost $100 ) but anyway the cards said he had met someone..when I told him he blushed  { so I thought it was me..and that was stupid because a reader cannot read themselves into a reading ..but I thought just maybe it was ) so that’s why I told him I liked him ..but anyway I went back and read my cards afterwards and the reading came up with deception… I confronted him..asking him if he was believing gossip about me from our local community.. he told me I was paranoid and had a victim mind set… { REALLY NOW } I was just wrong.. or maybe half wrong.. cause they probably are gossiping to him..but he was the deceiver; it was him not being upfront and honest with his intentions to begin with..and because of that he triggered my paranoid response..but seriously after all the shit I have been through that I openly and honestly told him about..It’s not paranoid it’s street smarts.. I was right to  be careful..

But the sad part is.. I really miss taking to him. I really liked him..in an honest and open way..I liked him when he was just being himself and not a cheesy sales man..

Not only would I never sell that product; because I don’t believe that starvation diets work. I don’t think they are healthy. I don’t believe in multilevel marketing businesses..only %5 are successful because they were the first %5 to found the top level ( duh ) but even if I wanted to sell the product ( I don’t ) I have the shittiest network in Kelowna.. they have back-balled me for my book..they are totally prejudiced against me..and he knew it! How selfish of him..or just being a blundering idiot..what was he thinking? Was he really that greedy and selfish to use a single mom for just a wrung in his ladder of success.. to play with a woman who is so emotionally raw and vulnerable..so he could manifest his abundance..his convertible?

It’s funny and it’s sad.. just like a comedy of errors..

Guy meets hot bikini clad woman on the beach but can’t see her past his daydream..

But at least my head is out of the clouds now.

In love

 

I didn’t expect it to happen.. I don’t know exactly what happened.. I thought you would just be like the rest of them.. just another guy but you have something so special inside.

It was like an inner, tiny, micro explosion when your eyes locked with mine.. all of the walls that I carefully kept up..that I had built with fear and apprehension.. fell to dust… when your soul met mine.

And now I am confused..so powerful and supernatural ..so transcendental is this transformation of my heart from caterpillar to butterfly.. that I feel so humble as the holy light of dawn rushes in were only darkness once lived.. the melancholy turned to bliss..but a bliss that is so fragile.. leaving me weak and vulnerable.. such is the love of words not yet spoken.. held tenderly in the heart so fearful of once again being broken.. how you have me under your spell.. that I can not believe that you could also love me like this? Could you? Could you love as the moon loves the sun’s first morning kiss?

Could you love in the dreamy dream of the moonstruck madness of love not yet spoken of.. not yet spoken of between me and you.. as a candle freshly lit.. the flame yet to breath in the reality of its own existence.. the miracle of what it is just becoming.. a light to light the world and many candles yet not knowing the joy.. the joy of you ..of your eyes.. the light of your soul that I see dance beneath your diamond irises .. how could you be so beautiful? Could you love my soul as I love yours? Oh how we have lived such parallel lives.. how we walked the same roads and talked to the same people.. never to meet but suddenly to meet like this.. how could you love me as I love you like the beat of my own heart?..  others will divide us.. even though our souls are of the same light.. we are kindred in spirit .. we beat with the same heart..but our lives are so different.. they will tear us apart. But even so.. I love you anyway.. for your love has opened my heart.. your love has set me free.. your love has softened me.. from the brutal cold hearts; the mean and the cruel.. you have given me back wonder and innocence.. wings to fly.. you have unlocked the prison that they trapped me in with their cruelties .. you are poetry..the painter of my soul…you have given my wounds sweetness and balm.. you healed me instead of injuring me.. you my love pulled arrows from the breast of the swan.. you are my song.. music and delight.. you are a pleasure just to behold in the sun’s golden light.. I see your soul glitter through your eyes.. your voice like the warm summer breeze.. sounds so soft as madrigal poems.

But I know this.. meeting you has made my heart so delicate.. like rose petals and gossamer wings… like silken threads of spider’s webs.. my heart it is so sensitive… and so I weep of words I dare not speak should you not feel the same for me..should I break the spell of love so sentimental that the luxuriousness will be lost by your denial..and so I write here.. my heart sequestered .. I hide away in this secret place least the fairy dust should settle.. the fall to earth would be more than I can take..for my heart has already been shattered, I know I would break.

Could you love like this too? Could you love me like such a childish fool? Of all the things I will dare to do.. of all the dangers that I willingly face.. I cannot tell you to your face.. that I love you..

Yes there is love at first glance.. you are the one who showed me that.

Love is all powerful

 

I met someone and I thought that we had clicked… but I was wrong again. I was wrong because it appears that he didn’t feel the same way. I was so sure; that when he didn’t respond like I thought he would.. I cried and I cried tonight. Of course when these things happen I feel so foolish and silly.. I feel so vulnerable and damaged..and I am really. My heart has a million scares and wounds.. I am a bleeding heart.. I am mush. It’s especially sad because it isn’t often that I feel that click with a guy..because I am so different and picky. But I opened up my already broken heart that never really seems to mend ( because I am a sensitive soul ) and once again I found myself in my own pool of tears on my pillow.

It’s a constant craving.. this craving for ” The One ” that I have apparently never met..and then it is a continual heartbreak when I dare hope that maybe this someone new could be him..and then my heart is dashed against the rocks like a ship lost at sea.. and all hope seems lost again..and I must grieve the loss of a love that never blossomed.. a light.. like a lighthouse that seems so faraway .. he is so far away from..so far that I just can’t see.. why is he so faraway from me?

And I say to The Angel of Love..” Why do you play with my heart like this? Why can’t you send me somebody to love? Send me someone to heal my broken heart.. to protect me from others who would see me suffer?”

It is such a dangerous thing to feel.. to open up your heart.. to be exposed to others.. to cry..even alone.. to truly allow yourself to be in sorrow..

Love is all powerful.. men and some women they want money and fame and they think that is powerful.. but you can have all of those things but to not have someone truly love you for all of your faults and strengths.. everything else means like nothing at all.. so love is all powerful.

Love is the muse for the artist.. it is the creative force.. without love the world would be gray and barren.. emotionless and pale.. love is everything..

But even though I feel him in my heart.. I cannot find him..

The craving will never leave.. the longing for his strength and touch.. the sound of his voice.. his scent .. his presence .. this will never leave me..

Until I find him I will be raw..

And the tears will fall..

Like rose petals on silk sheets..

My heart like crushed fruit.

 

Core

 

I exposed my heart to you now what are you going to do..

I am vulnerable, soft and sweet a tender treat..

I shared my secrets; my deepest demons and my angels too..

but I have no regrets in telling you that I love you..

I now that you know that I am broken what will be my punishment..

will there be vengeance from you my darling nemesis?

I am torn in shreds and that I don’t regret, because I have spent all my rage..

my heart is out of it’s cage..

I am crushed like ripe grapes..

my heart is pulp, bloody red and raw..

but the ecstasy has transported me to deep euphoric harmony..

I am enraptured in the depths of ravishment that overpowers me..

how exquisite this emotion like a fine wine drizzled on my tongue..

I am undone; the art of ripping a heart apart..

to the core, to the essence of the center open and sore..

abraded, inflamed by a passion untamed,  that has bewitched me..

but my heart is free from rationality that imprisoned me..

I didn’t know I was ravenous and starving for lust..

so devastate me, plunder and dissenter to liberate me..

break me in pieces so beautifully to be enchanting and ravishing..

I surrender willingly..

Sensitive

 

Love is so painful and raw; no matter how down-to-earth I try to be I cannot help but be swept off my feet..

sensitive

My heart is tender and compassionate and so my passions run free towards sentimentalities..

sensitive

This sensuousness in me stimulates me to deliciousness and it brings me to my knees..

sensitive

So much pleasure brings so much pain but I cannot help but love the sweet punishment that it brings..

sensitive

Exposed, open and bare, ravished by a a hunger that leaves me famished I am engorged for more..

sensitive

There is no rational, no lucid or logical for I am sensual, captivating, eager and willing for the taking..

I am sensitive

I am deep, and awaiting penetrating of his piercing, sharp gaze into my soul he breaks though my defenses..

sensitive

My fragrance is the essence; carnal surrender as I give the core, the thrust towards the sweetness within..

sensitive

I am overwhelmed and overwhelming by the breathtaking way  he plunges in with resolute desire  to enslave..

sensitive

He descends and submerges in his urges as I shiver with pure concentrated pain that becomes my pleasure..

sensitive

And as I quiet, as I sink into the bliss he begins again to take with earnestness what is oh so juicy and tender..

sensitive

I made it all up

 

I made you what I needed you to be..

But it was all my own make-believe..

I told myself that you were like a living daydream or a falling star..

So I could get through another day..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I made you into my Prince Charming; so disarming my fears..

So that I could have this Never,Never Land inside my head..

I needed to lie to myself so I could get bye..

I didn’t want cry and cry..so I..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I lived in fancy place inside my head..

I made you my saving grace to save face..

I didn’t want to face the truth..

That world is cruel full of cruel ones like you..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I needed to spend time in this magic place just for while..

I enjoyed the magic spells that cast even though they didn’t last..

I just needed a rest from the real world..

But eventually reality found you and me..

I made it all up..

I made it all up..

I am so sorry

 

I am so sorry for the harsh words that I said in anger..

I am so sorry for the way I looked at you when I was mad..

It wasn’t even your fault but the words spit out like hot burning coals of fire..

I forgot myself and I fell into the deepest pit of my humanity.. so many mistakes I made, when I should of caught myself.. there is no excuse for hurting you..

And to see you crying because of the words I used with abandon and abuse..

I am so sorry..

I adore you .. and when I hurt you I hurt myself too.. you are the other half of my heart.. the reason that I breath.. please don’t leave..

The thought of loosing you because I lost my cool is more than I can bear.. I can’t spare one single day without you here..

Please ,, please forgive me… I am so sorry..

I humble myself.. I am on my knees.. begging you to please see I was just in pain and acting out that way was my release..

I am so sorry..

I hit the bottom now.. not knowing if you will forgive me baby..

I am so sorry..

How could I hurt such a warm and tender heart.. you’r so devoted and so caring.. I was hateful and so mean, please.. please forgive my brutality..

I am so sorry..

I am lucid now that the heat has cooled in me and I comprehend that I need to mend this rift between you and me..

I am so sorry..

I am so blessed to have you dear.. you are priceless and I cherish this love so much so that I can admit I was wrong..

I am so sorry..

Baby please forgive me

Until love finds away

 

I will do my very best; put on my pink dress until love finds away

I will love myself and everything all around until love finds away

I will make make beauty out of ugliness until love finds away

I will soar with the doves to heaven above until love finds away

I will be like a child and go outside and play until love finds away

I will adore all that I see with child like eyes until love finds way

I will be grateful for all that have until love finds away

I will seek health and happiness until love finds away

I am going to be just sweet little me until love finds away

I am putting on my make up and flowers in my hair until love finds away

I will be sweet, kind and gracious until love finds away

I will be all that love seeks so that love will find away

All I ever wanted..

 

All I ever wanted was your heart

The diamonds, the sapphires, rubies and sparkly things couldn’t fill my arms ..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Just sit and stay with me; talk with me and walk with me and hold me closely ..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I wasn’t like the rest; I really was looking out for your best..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I didn’t need the big parties; I didn’t want everyone to see the things you bought for me..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Sit with me by the hearth; in your arms I have everything I have ever wanted..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I know you worked so hard to show the world what a man you are..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I didn’t need the fancy gowns or a golden crown or the crowds..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I was the one that waited alone in our bed for you to finally come and rest your head..

All I ever wanted was your heart

Oh I how I cried and cried and cried when you just would walk on bye..

All I ever wanted was your heart

I would beg and I would plead “Baby please stay a while with me..”

All I ever wanted was your heart

Now time has gone bye and we are far apart..

All I ever wanted was your heart

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