Posts Tagged ‘fitness’

A Woman’s Worth; Body Image

How much is she worth? If she isn’t young, if she has ” Been around” If she carries a few pounds, if she has had a few children? How much is she worth?

Sad and depressing for us women, sad and depressing for young girls.. we are fed this constantly, our virtue, our sexuality, our purity.. or worth based on what others judge as external beauty.. this amounts as to what we are worth.. those things are weighed and judged before intelligence, humor, empathy, talents or any other ability when a woman’s worth is calculated.. My teenage daughters are going through this right now as they reach the cusp, of the transformation of girlhood into womanhood.. and the insecurities mount.. even still I fight them..

I am in my 40s and ageing, I have had babies, I have a c-section scar.. I am into fitness but I have to stand my ground about how I want my body to look; as I don’t think body building is healthy for many reason..or the competing in beauty contest or body building contest.. I find them to be emotionally self defeating.. but people assume because I workout that I am looking to become this ideal..and I am just halfway there.. but I am not. I am competing with myself..

I not ” all that” I don’t think I am ” all that” I know I am very imperfect..but even with writing my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) and doing the photography in the book, being the model and showing my imperfections.. I still have body issues. I struggle with them. I struggle with the imperfections, and doing the self talk of ” I don’t have to be super skinny or super muscular to be beautiful and healthy, I can be my own version of me.” Yet going to the gym I am constantly shown women with this perfect fitness type of body… but many of them don’t seem too happy because it is a constant struggle.. I want to workout for the joy of moving my body and pushing my body to higher and higher limits.. I want to age gracefully.. I want to respect and honor were I am at this time in my life..not fight it or run from it..but honor my journey.. but also I know that age is just a number.. by doing this I am showing my daughters the way to self love and acceptance.. not body hate disguised as arrogance and false pride. I think being in this place of moderation but physical acceleration ( always pushing my limits with in my limits ) is truly healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy..


Like almost all women I have my body issues; of course I am shy about sharing my body with a lover for the first time, showing all my physical imperfections without perfect lighting or clothing to hide the parts of ourselves we all hide away. I have those days were I feel fat and bloated, wrinkled, and tired looking.. and I catch myself in negative self talk.. that is just being human.

The thing is this if women rate other women by looks we are keeping this insanity going; what does that mean ” Strong is the new beautiful or strong is the new skinny” ??? How about healthy is beautiful..being as healthy as you can be with what you are given is beautiful, smart is beautiful, being loving is beautiful, being caring is beautiful.. being talented is beautiful.. being your own unique self is REALLY BEAUTIFUL..

I think that when a woman owns her body, her sexuality, her life .. past any template, or perfected social image..when she owns herself.. that is truly beautiful..and that beauty never ages.

EGO LIFTING; Gym drama


Ego lifting is lifting weights to impress other people in the room.. one way to tell and ego lifter is to watch how they preform when they don’t have an audience. If there are not as many people in the room they don’t perform.. and ego lifters have to out lift someone who is lifting heavier then them. Ego lifters don’t respect their own bodies, they don’t respect the iron nor do they respect the sport. I have seen this in both men and women; they lift to compete with the same sex and they lift to get attention from the opposite sex, if it be just their own girlfriend or boyfriend or every other opposite sex member in the gym. They brag constantly. Everyone has a right to be proud of their achievements in the gym.. and to tell others of their achievements, but with ego lifters it is relentless.. they lift to fill a hole, they don’t lift to love their bodies..secretly they hate something within themselves so they cover it up with muscle and bravado .. they are full of shit.. Ego lifters eventually hurt themselves while trying to impress others.. because THEIR FUCKING HEAD and HEART IS NOT IN THE LIFT!.. so they are going to fuck up..

Ego lifters cause gym drama due to their insecurities.. they posture, they threaten others with their body language..they make snide jokes, fuck everyone in the gym, and treat people like shit that don’t live up to their supposed level of fitness..they do not inspire others to work harder.. they discourage others by telling them they will never be able to reach their level of elite fitness.. they make fun of others body types, they group together in clicks.. I have seen trainer clicks like this.. working out together on their down time.. posturing.. swearing, showing off.. ego lifting the entire gym!.. But it’s just a matter of time until they fuck up and hurt themselves.. they don’t respect the steel.

Don’t be one of these fuckers.. lift for the sport, respect the metal.. respect your own body.. respect other members..

Go ahead and fucking grunt, lift heavy.. be proud of your accomplishments .. be proud, happy and satisfied..but be a good sport.. and remember someone started with little to no weight just like you.. everyone has their own story and injuries.. lift to become a better person from the inside out..

Don’t be a dick

Life at the gym; I am not fitting in


To get to the point, I am going to stop trying to be likable and acceptable at my gym and everywhere else for that matter.. because I don’t fit into traditional patterns of anything.. including how the fitness world views fitness.. including women’s fitness.

How I don’t fit in, in general it is my book, breaking taboos by going topless in the photography and talking candidly and maturely about women’s sexuality and my own broke with tradition.. in my fitness, I don’t fit in to a role..of say just someone coming to the gym to loose weight and be moderately fit, nor am I just doing it for looks.. I actually train like a competitor and or a trainer without being either.. how confusing not to fit into a category ..for those who follow group fitness themes.. but off I go being me, learning and taking from each and every sort of fitness.. that suits me.. because I don’t follow.. I lead..and I lead by example. Many members in my gym have told me that they love what I do and that I inspire them and get them fired up.. but I think .. I know that I make others uncomfortable..

Having the meeting with the management.. were they told me that my book and website were a threat to the gym’s professional reputation and the reputation of the owner of the gym.. put a stigma on to me, as to how the trainers and competitors in my gym see me as a professional threat to them and their professional and athletic reputations. Having it said to me in the meeting that I was spreading rumors..and that they were told by inside information that I was trying to smuggle photography out of the gym by suggesting a fitness calendar be made up.. maybe with me in it with the other fit women and other members in the gym.. only added to making me not trust anyone at the gym.. because who would say such things about me behind my back..but the one female fitness trainer that I told in depth..who then after the meeting posted a post on her twitter..saying ” I feel sorry for myself watching you feel sorry for yourself” when I confronted her about it on social media she told me to ” Drop it like a squat”.. once again I was meet with condescension. And the female competitors that I asked to be in the photography with me.. stopped showing up at the gym at the time I go to the gym..and stopped answering any of my facebook messages.. and stopped making eye contact with me at they gym.. pure avoidance and subterfuge. This is typical behavior for women and girls .. avoidance and then exclusion.. and then to have the photographer that I wanted to do the pics with show up at the time I go to the take images of women who are competitors and trainers.. to further show me how unacceptable I am..that I do not fit in to what is deemed as acceptable by gym society..


Further more.. I realized that I was the one who sent a friend request to all of them on facebook..that I am the only one who has reached out to any of them.. including my gym management and just be further excluded. I realize that these people are not my true friends.. because I cannot ask them for anything..and they would be embarrassed if I mentioned them on facebook..if I tagged them..and they will not like anything on my facebook.. even my fitness post.. there was only two of them that wished me a Happy Birthday..or hit like on the rare occasion.. I realize that I am giving my power attempting to reach out..and reach out..and be friends with people who really don’t care about me at all.. even though I have seen them looking at my facebook regularly they are up on my most recents list..but it seems I am but a strange and fascinating thing.. or maybe I am just fuel for further gossip.. and so I took them off of my facebook.. my power is eroded by this constant guessing.. by wondering.. but rumors have a way of returning back to the person who is the reason for the rumor..and of course once that happens who is to say what the truth is.. and so this is what I did to get my power back from a battle that I simply cannot win..

I unplugged, I stopped following my gym’s page.. I stopped following any of them on social media.. even the ones that seemed to be nicer than others.. not to be vengeful or hateful..but to be neutral..and to accept that it is what it is..whatever it isn’t my business..

My business is going to the gym to workout..not to fit in and to try to convince others that I am a good person.. if they don’t see that I am then they don’t..

I am just going to workout and find my power in flying solo..

Drama free..

Fat Shaming vs Fitness Shaming


This is going to be interesting…. because I have experienced both.


When I was a young teen and woman I was very fit.. I started into my first real relationship when I was 18.. the first guy I was intimate with. We lived together common law. I was going to college, working and doing everything around the house, including all the yard work..because the young guy that I was living with was making his way into becoming a drunk. I started eating my feelings and denial. I loved him, but there wasn’t anything I could do for him. I found myself overweight for the first time in my life. It was at the beach that I had my first wake up call.. it was a bunch of young children talking about the “fat lady” ..they were talking about me! Was it fat shaming..? .. or just plain honesty. At the time I thought their mothers should of killed them at birth..but in the next couple of weeks it started to sink in. I left my dunk.. to go and live with my sister ..and I lost the weight. I got honest with my feelings, with my diet and with my activities. It came off pretty fast too..

I went to the gym..and I found my love of pushing myself..but then what I got was the opposite of fat shaming… I got fitness shaming.. from people who just didn’t want to reach for that level of fitness and health.. I was told I was a fanatic ..

In that time I met and married my now ex husband. I was super fit and healthy..when I gained weight in my pregnancies .. my ex turned into a jerk. I was told I couldn’t work out due to my very low blood pressure.. My husband at the time couldn’t stand my weight gain, all though I couldn’t do anything about it. I had to eat tons of salt to keep my blood pressure up, and I would faint constantly. I was bloated and ugly.. and the way he looked at me..and flirted with other women ..told me so.

After having my second daughter, I remember my worse fat shaming experience. I had been on bed rest through that pregnancy. I had morning sickness 3x a day, I was hospitalized for dehydration a couple of times. I was in rough shape at the end of that pregnancy. But off to the gym I went, and that is when I experienced the meanest guy ever. As I ran/walked on the treadmill he loudly made fun of me to the other men at the juice bar. ” Look at that one, trying to run..she is going to shake the entire gym down guys.” I was shocked..and full of nursing hormones. It was really easy for me to cry. I did start to cry, I just couldn’t help it, my hormones took over. I missed my babies at home, it was hard for me to do something just for me. I got off the treadmill and walked up to the man with tears streaming down my face..and I said ” I shouldn’t have to explain to you that I just had a baby, that I was sick in my pregnancy and that is why I look this way.” I noticed that he was not in perfect shape, I saw a bit of a beer belly..and then I said pointing to his belly. ” do you miss your baby too.” It was funny, but the guys around the juice bar were to ashamed to laugh.. I never went back to that gym.. I switched to another one. I never wanted to see that man again. It was fat shaming at it’s worst. You just never know what another person has gone through.

Yet I do know people who smoke, eat fried foods, fast food, drink like fish, do drugs, and sit on their asses all day watching TV and playing video games..that get up my ass for being to into fitness..

At this time in my life; I am very fit. I love the gym, it is my home away from home. I have a gym family, I enjoy pushing myself and learning as much as I can about fitness. My friends say I should become a personal trainer.. I am thinking about it. The whole student loan thingy doesn’t appeal to me..but it is my one of my major passions.

People have said to me in round-about ways that I am shallow for being so into the body..that it is all about looks..but for me it is about is about health, it is about pushing the ultimate fitness..but I get shit sometimes for my fitness post. I get told to slow down, that I am obsessive.. is this fitness shaming?

Lets be honest.. you are what you eat, but sometimes your health can be out of your control..but you can work yourself into a heart failure.. high blood pressure and obesity if your not honest with your lifestyle.

I do get fed up hearing people bitch about how shitty their health is .. yet they still smoke, drink, eat shitty food and refuse to get off their asses..

I see people at my gym who have been in car accidents, had major surgery..yet they refuse to give in..they will be their best self..

As far as the kids that called me fat.. I think they called me only children’s honesty can do..

Is my body perfect? Hell no.. I am I healthy and fit.. hell yes..

Am I ashamed of my fitness lifestyle.. hell no.

If I was a personal trainer and I knew you were bullshitting yourself.. It would be my job to call you out.