Posts Tagged ‘female psychology’

That one in a million guy will get me

 

Driving with my son this afternoon from Vernon back home to Armstrong, we had the windows rolled down as if to welcome the sunshine and spring into the car. The sweet smell of animal shit came wafting in and I said to my son as he made a face ” That sweet smell of the country.” it was like a welcome home. Both me and my boy are learning to leave the pretentiousness of Kelowna behind us. Later that evening we decided through a friends advice not to dye his hair metalic blue because Armstrong isn’t Kelowna and his farm kids friends just wouldn’t get it. Then my girlfriend said to me ” Gracie the real you isn’t like the person you post online. I mean it is and it isn’t. The Gracie I see is low key and nature loving. You didn’t fit into Kelowna because you are not high maintenance. Like I understand why you do what you do online, but other people just will not get it especially guys. But I get it because I have to run a business and but on my business face just like you have your online profile ego and I know that it is both sides to the coin for both of us, and that we are just country girls at home.. but to other people who don’t really know you they just will not get it.” than I said to her ” But you found a guy that gets it, you found that ( one in a million guy ) that guy that is the redneck, country boy at home but the high flying business dude at work.. so if you can than I stand a chance of meeting a man that can get me and my two sides of the coin just like all of us? Or at least I hope so, because the work I do online is important and I need the ego or the persona to get the attention for the message.”

But yes she is absolutley right, it is going to be very difficult to find the man or have the one in a million man find me going by my online profile. Women’s sexual empowerment and equality, and calling myself a feminist is going to scare off a lot of men or attract men who get the wrong idea. When I was in Kelowna W. Brett Wilson called me crazy and pretentious because he is used to women like that obviously, but I think he spoke for most men who would judge me the same way going by what I post online. He told me I was attention seeking, and by a base line one size fits all defintion he was correct. The online Gracie does want attention to get the message out that a woman getting attention for her sexuality isn’t evil, slutty or shameful; but the Gracie at home in her daily life.. well I am actually quite simple. I am a little jock/nerd/mommy/country girl. Yes I am an intellectual as I can tell you that the feminine archetype I am describing here is the Artemis/Venus. You see Artemis is the other side of the coin of Venus.. so Venus would be high maintenance and very sensual and Artemis is the chaste, athletic woman or girl. A woman goes from both one to the other and that confuses men, a psychologist will know exactly what I am talking about.

I have been in my inner Artemis for a few years now as I haven’t had a sexual partner for 2 1/2 years now. I know that seems like a total contradiction towards what I put out online towards women’s sexual freedom and empowerment. Of course many men and women will assume by my online profile that I have many partners and lots of sex; but it is also my freedom to explore being chaste.

I have had a very similar conversation  with another girlfriend of mine who is working on becoming a psycholigist; as to how in my daily life and upon getting to know me personally how I am both the Artemis and the Venus and as to how I am very much the Artemis right now in my daily life. Artemis is also very grounded and intouch with nature and children.

Another of my girlfriends was telling me how awful it is that a woman cannot say she is a strong woman and than say she also wants a relationship with a man, without the world judging her as weak. She is right. I believe a strong woman can do it on her own but she is also strong by letting a man do for her, and a strong man will not want her to do everything for herself but will want to help her and show her love by helping her. I am not an old school feminist who believes that wanting and having a man in her life is weak, I believe becoming a couple with the right person can make you stronger in many ways. Most men and women will judge me online as not being open towards bring in a masculine man or country gentleman towards me for calling myself a feminist.

I am a very spiritual woman but I can’t handle spiritual flakery; I don’t want to attract a spiritual nutcase either. I think he will be my opposite and even possibly be an atheist to counteract or balance me. That is why opposites attract. I guess my one in a million guy will be like me in the fact that he can be all business and serious about his work out in the world like I am with my book and blog; but be a sweet, and chill redneck country boy at home.. He will be the one that is smart enough and brave enough to understand why and what I am doing online, and stand by me; but also he will have the wisdom and common sense to see that I am really a pure and simple soul.

As a mom it’s really hard to write, it was really difficult to take the selfie I posted here; as I try to write someone always wants and needs something and when I was taking the selfie my son kept banging on my bedroom door. I was lucky to get the pic first try. Trying to edit my blog and to edit the image… ya right.

In real life, my life is very nitty gritty. I don’t party because it’s just too much work and I like my sleep so I can get up and lift and workout in the mornings. I am actually quite basic, very loyal to my friends and family. I have never cheated on a man and I am a one man, woman. I like my daily life simple and sweet. In many ways I  can be quite old fashioned.

Coming To My Senses

 

When I wasn’t even fully awake this morning; my eyes not yet even open, the thought that came into my consciousness was ” No more assholes.”  I was waking up in the country to open my drapes to see the snow covered mountains to the sound of the early morning train. I love the sound of the train at night and the coyotes. The coyotes sound so hauntingly beautiful and mysterious on the cold and snowy winter nights. I woke up to waking up; to a feeling of coming back to my senses or the center of myself. It was a peaceful yet a radical awakening as I realized I didn’t ever have to fight anyone for anything when I was living in the city of Kelowna. I realized I didn’t even have to move to Kelowna to create my book and I realized, I can and I will, create whatever the fuck I want, whenever I fucking want to. When I left the city I left them to their own devices and I realized upon awakening that I always should have. I should of never cared what they thought of me or how they labeled me to suit their own purposes and insecurities. There ignorance was theirs to own not for me to trouble myself with even addressing, towards giving them or their issues any of my time.

My soul feels nourished once more and I do feel whole once more and reborn into myself and my own internal power. It is like I walked back into a mirror to walk into myself. All the names that they called me and all the things that they would have me believe myself to be, have fallen away and they are with them in Kelowna.

Before I awoke to my thought of ” No more assholes.” I had a dream. In my dream I was in a hologram and I was erasing parts of the illusion until it was gone. I stepped out of the hologram and back into my own life.. and so it was that Kelowna, I was in a 6 year bad dream that I allowed to be real by accepting the illusions that others projected towards me. My dream was my subconscious becoming conscious and awakening me to myself while I awoke. It was a dream of everyday magic; and that my friends is true awareness.

I have a new attitude towards my life now, I have a new attitude towards others who question my life and me as a person ( You are not my problem and I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you about my choices or my life )

I don’t need to fight anyone to be heard. If you don’t want to hear me that is your choice and it’s my choice not to give a damn and my choice to move towards life and happiness and way from assholes.

I am not going to waste my life and that is my time here on this planet, attempting to be the asshole whisperer. I am going to walk towards the light and happiness and teach my children to do the same. I am going to spend my time and energy on people who respect me, love me and who want to hear my message. I am turning my attention towards love, hope and joy. I am being fully emotionally present with my children, as in the past asshole’s nasty energy took my energy and time away from my kids. Not anymore. I am turning my back on all those who don’t matter and giving my love and attention to those who do..including myself.

I know logically it will take another 100 years or so before women have the same sexual freedoms and rights as men. I have done my part for society and for the human race upon writing my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) available on Amazon.ca

So now I am going to let it ride on the hands of fate. I will keep writing, but I am not pushing and I am not fighting.. what is meant to be will be.. I am going to enjoy my life and peace.

She isn’t safe to express her sexuality because….

I was just having a conversation about women’s sexuality with my 16 yo daughter over a dinner of homemade nachos.. she came out of her room demanding to be fed just half hour before..saying ” Mom when are you going to make food?” Teenagers are strange animals. They hide in their rooms until feeding time. ;)

So as we ate we talked about ” The Game of Thrones” about how she and her 14 yo sister are not allowed to watch it because of the almost pornographic sex scenes. Then my oldest said ” We watched people actually have sex in a documentary at school mom; penises and vaginas are not pretty and romantic at all..” then I said jokingly ” It depends on who’s junk it is.” my 14 yo thought that was funny. Then my 16 yo said ” Girls don’t want or like sex as much as guys do mom.” I told her this..

Most women and girls do like sex just as much as men and most women and girls are just as visual as men. Penis size does matter to most women unless she actually does have a lower sex drive .. that does happen to some women and men equally, but most of the time women need an average size penis to be satisfied. The problem with dating or being in a relationship with a man that has a much smaller than average penis is that he will more than likely be very insure and suffer from having a complex. Complexes make people act out, or project their insecurities onto their lovers.

The difference with men and women is due to how society portrays both the sexes sexuality. Men are free to express their sexuality and by watching porn and other media they are taught and encouraged to put women into one of two categories ( Good Girl or Bad Girl ) women are also slut shamed into seeing themselves as being possibly branded by society into ( Bad Girl or Slut.. asking for it..that is disrespect ) if they should express their sexuality as freely as a man would..

For instance a woman is judged for showing too much skin..even at the beach were she is expected to wear a swim suit..but a man can walk out in public topless just about anywhere and not be stared at or glared at.. he will not be given negative body language or told to cover up. A man can freely brag about his sex life and talk openly to others about his conquest ..he is free to adventure into many sexual appetites .. while women are given the magic number of 10.. { There was a movie made about that } if a woman sleeps with more than 10 men in her lifetime she is easy and not respecting herself. A woman is judged as not being respectable by how she does or doesn’t control her sexual appetites ..and so we come to the issue of her feeling safe..

If a woman doesn’t feel safe she cannot mentally give herself permission to be sexually aroused. A women’s sexual arousal starts with feeling safe and secure around men. The problem in our society is that men are given the entitlement through being socialized by religion and media to sexually discriminate against, become sexually violent against ( Rape ) or verbally abuse women whom they deem as disrespecting themselves by how they present themselves to them..and so most women would be just as ready to have sex as most men are, if they had the same freedoms to express their sexual nature in our cultures. Of course the more extreme the culture is against women’s sexual expression and therefor freedoms or personal rights.. the more likely it is that these women themselves are sexually repressed from within due to fear.

My daughter also expressed that the girls in her school that only date girls seem to be freer in expressing their sexuality among themselves .. I told her ” It is because other women are less likely to shame their same female partners whom they are having sex with, because they are women to women; they understand the need to feel safe and nurtured to be turned on. It is also much less likely that another women will beat or rape another women due to using sex as a weapon of control. It is quite possible that, that is the reason most girls experiment with girls or even prefer girls to men.. it is because they feel safe.”

So how do we stop this from happening?

The answer is by me writing things like this; society needs to be educated. Also by women like me walking free in there sexuality.

I had someone ask me today if I do sex work because I told them my book and website are based on women’s sexuality and sacred sexuality.. but do you see how ignorant the question was? To assume that I sell my body because I write and talk openly in a mature and cultured manner about sexuality.. just shows how far the social stigmas have to go before they are broken down.

But if I was a old lady with a million PHDs.. basically not sexy .. it would be acceptable of course.. because society views women’s sexuality as too potent and hot.. too taboo..

How silly is that?

So we have made women world wide stifle their sexuality in fear and then men complain when it’s hard to get some.. oh the irony!

The Goddess in Every Woman

 

The simplified definition of a Goddess is a woman who lives her life in balance.

The opposite of a Goddess is a woman who is a martyr. A martyr is someone who suffers for others. A woman in her Goddess or who has brought her Inner Goddess to the surface ” made conscious of the fact that she deserves love and respect ” refuses to allow herself to be used or abused. She isn’t going to attempt to save others who are not worthy of her time or energy; she will not give herself or time to others who take her for granted.

A Goddess understands that she needs to fill her metaphorical cup first to overflowing before she can nurture others with her love and time. A Goddess knows that she deserves the first sip of her cup of love; simply because she must love herself first to truly love those around her.

We see society making women into martyrs by socializing women into being nice girls that give and give and give until they are totally depleted, bitter, frustrated { including sexually frustrated } and angry.. an unheard anger that can simmer under the surface as rage.

I have been researching other authors or bloggers post about how they believe a Goddess should be ” She would walk with her heart fully open. She should be full of grace and sweetness. She should give unconditional love. She should be very beautiful. She should always be forgiving. She should be giving always. She should wear light make up. She should look natural. She respects herself by not having sex with multiple partners as she is saving herself for The Divine Masculine man.” etc.. etc.. these so called Goddess attributes or characteristics are not of the Goddess archetype but rather of the Saint or Martyr archetypes .. The Goddess would be considered to be more hedonistic as she has an appetite for pleasure. Yes she is compassionate, loving and beautiful within the right context.. but she is also assertive, strong, powerful and a force to be reckoned with. We must also reason that beauty is in the eye of the beholder .. and so the Goddess is analysed into or organized into multiple templates of archetypes…because yes that is how complicated womanhood is.. she is the trinity; The Maiden. Mother and Crone.. Daughter, Mother and Grandmother.. and she is also

Mawu or Gaia – Mother Earth.. all that is natural

Artemis – Guardian.. huntress

Ishtar – Sacred Whore, lover, Mother and Savior

Sophia – Holy Spirit, wisdom and female God

Freyja – Female Warrior

Kali – The Beginning and the End, the infinite of death and life. The Destroyer!

Maat – Justice and fairness; the Universal Law

Bast – Independent and vengeful

Isis – Mother of Creation and Culture

Vesta – Domesticated house wife

Venus – Love, lust and beauty or hedonist

A woman in her Goddess is authentically who she is with out apology, she is her own beauty in it’s unique form; she is an individual. A Goddess has learned her lessons from the Crone aspects of her own psyche..from the Baba Yaga within her, that has shown her the world is full of beauty and ugliness.. that a wise woman doesn’t leave her heart open to strangers.. first she tests them with riddles and waits upon their responses and actions.. in other words.. you have to earn her total trust..and because she is wise to the ways of the world by trusting her own intuition she trust herself above all others.

As you see it has very little to do with attracting men.. that was another post that I read written by a man. She isn’t enlightened, awakened or walking in her Goddess for a man as his approval isn’t needed..and that is essence is a true Goddess.. Your approval isn’t needed!

A Goddess isn’t ashamed of her body, or her sexuality, she doesn’t hide or make small.. she isn’t here to save your ass.. or to entertain men’s fancies.. she is here to save her own ass. The Goddess will not carry your cross ” Your inner baggage.” nope..she will set it down beside you and leave you to it while she continues on her own path of spiritual enlightenment.. she isn’t Christ or a Saint .. she is Goddess..

She has sex the way she wants to with whom she wants to, and spends her time the way she wants to with out feeling any martyr guilt.. why should she; that’s your shit?

She values herself by knowing her time is valuable so don’t count on taking up space in her head either.. she has better things to do. She knows the value of the moment.

So as you see this is a very realistic definition of a Goddess.. and I think really one of the only true definitions that you will find online..that isn’t flaky and hokey.

Imagine a world were women stopped allowing the world to use them? A world were women’s time was just as valuable as a man’s time? Imagine the balance outside in the world if it was within each and every woman? Imagine her taking time for self care and nurturing? Imagine women satisfied in and out of the bedroom? What a happy world this would be.. but it starts with women drawing boundary lines..it starts with women saying ” No! I don’t have endless time and energy to give away.. I am saving some of me for me!” We would all be better off.

Of course we need men to balance their inner Goddess so that she can be a God too.. it’s perfectly acceptable for men to nurture themselves by expressing and exploring their inner emotional worlds. So as you can conclude being of The Divine Masculine and Feminine simply means to balance your inner world or archetypes { Anima and Animus } to find inner peace or enlightenment… this isn’t just flaky spiritual stuff, this is psychology..

So to those who put on the mask of being enlightened .. who call themselves Goddess of this that or the other, or Shaman so and so.. have you really done the inner work?

This isn’t just about just being pretty or sexy .. this is about healing yourself to heal the world..

It all starts within ..as Carl Jung said ” He who looks outside of himself dreams.. he who looks within awakens.”

That is the path of Gods and Goddesses.

 

You can find my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) on Amazon.ca under Gracie Ackerman

When She Own’s It

 

How many times do I have to write about this topic before it will sink into the collective consciousness of humanity? Women’s bodies and wombs are regulated by government, a government that is male based or strongly influenced by mainly men.. we call that The Patriarchy. The Patriarchy isn’t just in religion as religion is steeped into government mandates or rules and regulations.. hence abortion always being on the table or the mandating of the womb. The control of the hand that rocks the cradle..for as the old saying goes..an old saying put froth by the Patriarchy centuries ago

” The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” and so it is that men { generalizing here} do everything to control the hand that rocks the cradle. Funny that the word ( Man ) is in ( mandate ) meaning to give over one’s authority to another. And so it is that a woman’s sexuality is only permissible if it passes through the gates of a male lens or certain standard. If a woman own’s it; if she is free with her own sexuality she is labeled as obscene and indecent. Such as the issue of women breastfeeding in public or going topless on public beaches. I suppose we need to mandate this in order to make men feel that they will not loose their sense of freedom by allowing women to have theirs.. did you notice the word ( allow ) and isn’t that just the core of the issue? How do men retain this control of women? It is simply through abuse. It is physical, financial, mental and emotional abuse.. many of these abuses we see present in the average daily relationships between men and women..but wait.. is it all his fault?

No it’s not entirely all his fault as much as it is the faulty way that society has taught all of us to view women’s sexuality through this tainted and unhealthy lens.. because these abusive patterns are rigid belief systems.. such as RELIGION .. stagnate us as the entire human race towards moving forwards to enlightenment or becoming conscious of our unhealthy and hurtful nature towards what is simply natural. A woman’s body will not make a man do evil things, or render him helpless to her sexual power.. that only happens if he tells himself that it will happen.. therefor using it as an excuse to loose power over his own common sense and better judgement not to be responsible for his own behaviors.

Quite simply the abortion and birth control debates are based on fear level thinking..not on fact or science. Seeing the human body as evil and or sinful for it’s nudity rather than seeing it as the natural beauty of art and science is also ignorant fear based thinking.. by those brainwashed by old and outdated social norms that create anything but normalcy. Shaming, blaming, controlling women and girls with the fears of violence, rape ( rape is sexual violence ) and it isn’t her rape to own.. it is his sickness to own .. financial manipulation by controlling a woman’s money .. ( society propels this by not paying women equal to men or making child care affordable.. or abortions legal..or birth control easy to access.. and then of course their is the emotional abuse )

” You crazy slut. Put some clothes on you nasty bitch. Wanna fuck whore.. you must wanna fuck because you look like you are dressed to fuck.” need I say more??? Seems I always have to say more.. falls on def ears.. ignorant ears that see my work about women’s sexuality as {Putting it out there}.. because * SHE SHOULD HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR HERSELF* I want to know how people equate a woman using her body as art in photography as me or other women not having respect for themselves? I don’t understand why you can’t be intelligent enough to catch yourself in your own knuckle dragging ignorance to not be able to see that I am doing this to prove a point here..and that is to expose ignorance and enlighten and educate the ignorant by living the message of women’s sexual freedom by being free.. so if you have half a brain you should be able to put 2 and 2 together by what I wrote above as to why I wrote my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) and as to why I use my own image and story in the book.. let me go over it once again for you ” I am owning it” do you get it now?

And of course because of doing my best to expose ignorance..to turn the light on in the dark ages, to bring about the golden light of intellectualism .. the ignorant zombies came at me x3 fold.. funny how that works.. ” Don’t make us think and evolve it’s painful.. we like our stupid stupor .” And so I have met with sexism and hatred ..with name calling.. being blacklisted and black balled ..even by those who profess spiritual enlightenment, to promote equality, women’s rights and even intellectualism.. but dysfunction dies hard..and to deviate from the norm brings social ostracization .. even if the normal in society is sick with abusive behaviors.. even if society is killing it’s self by not living to it’s full potential by keeping half the gender down and enslaved by sexual shaming and perversions..

As we know women’s sexuality can be sold by men or the Patriarchy within what they deem as worthy of sale..and so with that women are enslaved by chains around the ovaries .. by their body image being sold back to them as an impossible ideal to obtain.. we are either Madonna or Whore..Good Girl or Bad Girl.. seen through the lens of the Patriarchy a woman’s psyche is torn in 2 ..as she is no longer the Earth Mother… the natural nurturer.. she not allowed to move in her full essence and so she is drained of her full power by men who are not true men ..as mature men welcome and relish in the full essence of woman’s juicy ” Owning it.” And  also she is drained by other women shaming her due to socialized patterns of behavior ingrained into them by a sick society, they rob themselves of the Goddess within them..by denying the Goddess in other women.

And so ” When She Own’s it” when she steps into her skin unapologetic.. when she redefines the word ” Bitch” as ” Queen” and that is “”Queen Bitch to you!”" she steps into her Goddess.. and that is what frail men..insecure men are terrified of because once she own’s it, he has to grow up and own his own shit.

So if the pictures that I am using in this post offend you.. it’s therapy .. the question to be asking yourself is ” WHY?” what are your issues?

My mind is full..and it runneth over

 

Have you ever tried to see yourself outside of yourself? Have you ever tried to solve a problem with the solution? How do you begin with the end? Have you ever attempted to soar so high above your own identity that you were able to see the great big, grand scheme of the Universal plan of intelligent order outside of the human perspective?

Does your brain hurt yet by these questions?

Do you really think that the life your living today will really matter 100 years from now..? How about 1000 years from now? And does it even really matter? What makes it matter? I think it is just changing things for the better.. like quality of life for all living things.. for future living things.. but to be able to make that ripple in the order of things one has to be aware of what causes the quality or over all functioning of life to be stunted, harmed or even plunging towards it’s own demise .. or am I digressing.. or is digressing the answer or the solution .. or is it even really a problem…because what if it is meant to be that life as we know it has to end so that a new life or way of being can be birthed.. or is this more thoughtful digression.. needless to say I have lost about 50% of my readers who cannot be bothered to go this deep.. so onto another topic that sorta links up to this topic.. just down grading a bit to common everyday life problems.. that is how to  change a society that is rowing merrily down it’s own stream of dysfunctional patterns ..

And so it is that I was having a cup of chia tea ..with almond milk at a local coffee shop with a local guy friend talking about our local society..and about my book and this website, through these writings.. me attempting to change society or put a positive ding in the Universe by educating people towards sexual equality.. women’s rights, sexual maturity, sexual repression though religion, arts, the science of psychology ( the study of how people think ) and the sociology ( the study of social behaviours and organizations ) We talked about how I wasn’t accepted or seen as acceptable by our local society because I dared to ” Put it out there” or to bring any of my new readers up to speed.. I published topless pictures of me in my book to show freedom of women’s sexuality or a mature sexuality by being a Goddess or Goddesses in my book through the writing and imagery. What I did was become what was considered to be unacceptable by society to prove the prejudices and social immaturities by society towards women’s natural sexuality…but by doing this I became un-networkable by organizations based upon outdated beliefs and patterns that no longer function to create a stable environment for all the members of society.. or more than %50 whom are women and their children. What is really an irony is that I have been told by these organizations including arts councils that they must protect children in our society from me and my book or the sexual content of the work.. when it is the children who will benefit the most from the change the work could promote for future generations.. sexual shaming or an immaturity towards sexuality is something that is socialized into children from birth into adulthood.. but the problem is if the adults are steeped into this dysfunctional perspective towards a natural and healthy sexuality ..then how can we break this cycle for future generations?

And so he asked me ” Will you show up to any of the networking and arts events to show them that they don’t own you?” my answer ” There isn’t any point in speaking to a def crowd. Putting myself in a positions to be further abused and bullied by those fearful and lacking in maturity towards me and my message would be self abuse. There wouldn’t be any ground to be made, and it would do the opposite towards me standing my ground as it would only depress me. ” Do not cast your pearls upon swine ” is a biblical saying that holds ancient wisdom.. or ” he who hath an ear let him hear.. he who hath an eye let him see” They have no ear to listen and no awareness to see.. to go to those meetings would be futile.”

So how does one change a society that is steeped in the trenches of deep dysfunction towards seeing women’s sexual freedom as dangerous, sinful and immoral? How does one break out of the cage of conformity?Were is the key? Who is the jailer? These questions are answered in my book… it will take many women to step up and out to break down the walls of conformity..but I haven’t found these women in my local community.. I have found the opposite.. those who are afraid of change or who are so unaware they are not even aware of their captivity through the shame imposed upon their sexuality,, they are ignorant..

Looking at the book in marketable terms.. it isn’t marketable in Canada as Canadian society is highly Christian conservative.. meaning that the book and the sexuality of the Goddess Movement is highly repressed and miss understood by the ignorance of sin placed upon the wombs of women.. or that a conservative society sees that the virtue of society balances upon the sexual morality of women..and that morality is based upon a society that is over 2000 years in the past..and so it is Canada hasn’t evolved past those patterns of thinking and behaving. The book is marketable in the United States .. in places like New York and California that are much more progressive; but I am unable to travel because my young children are in public school and I cannot afford it.. I have done my best to network online but this venue is saturated ..it’s like being in a crowed subway screaming over masses of people trying to be heard 200 ft away..

And so here we are down to earth again..swimming in the deepest depths of the problems and the issues.. so was the solution to the problem never to attempt such a feat of change in the first place? Were the components to the problem to varied and complex? Did we get lost in equating the equation? Because the unknown variable or X amounts to = ignorance..and so here were are again back to the beginning .. shall we wipe the board clean and try again.. or was the solution the problem?

I digress and my mind is full and it runneth over once again…

Life at the gym; I am not fitting in

 

To get to the point, I am going to stop trying to be likable and acceptable at my gym and everywhere else for that matter.. because I don’t fit into traditional patterns of anything.. including how the fitness world views fitness.. including women’s fitness.

How I don’t fit in, in general it is my book, breaking taboos by going topless in the photography and talking candidly and maturely about women’s sexuality and my own broke with tradition.. in my fitness, I don’t fit in to a role..of say just someone coming to the gym to loose weight and be moderately fit, nor am I just doing it for looks.. I actually train like a competitor and or a trainer without being either.. how confusing not to fit into a category ..for those who follow group fitness themes.. but off I go being me, learning and taking from each and every sort of fitness.. that suits me.. because I don’t follow.. I lead..and I lead by example. Many members in my gym have told me that they love what I do and that I inspire them and get them fired up.. but I think .. I know that I make others uncomfortable..

Having the meeting with the management.. were they told me that my book and website were a threat to the gym’s professional reputation and the reputation of the owner of the gym.. put a stigma on to me, as to how the trainers and competitors in my gym see me as a professional threat to them and their professional and athletic reputations. Having it said to me in the meeting that I was spreading rumors..and that they were told by inside information that I was trying to smuggle photography out of the gym by suggesting a fitness calendar be made up.. maybe with me in it with the other fit women and other members in the gym.. only added to making me not trust anyone at the gym.. because who would say such things about me behind my back..but the one female fitness trainer that I told in depth..who then after the meeting posted a post on her twitter..saying ” I feel sorry for myself watching you feel sorry for yourself” when I confronted her about it on social media she told me to ” Drop it like a squat”.. once again I was meet with condescension. And the female competitors that I asked to be in the photography with me.. stopped showing up at the gym at the time I go to the gym..and stopped answering any of my facebook messages.. and stopped making eye contact with me at they gym.. pure avoidance and subterfuge. This is typical behavior for women and girls .. avoidance and then exclusion.. and then to have the photographer that I wanted to do the pics with show up at the time I go to the gym..to take images of women who are competitors and trainers.. to further show me how unacceptable I am..that I do not fit in to what is deemed as acceptable by gym society..

 

Further more.. I realized that I was the one who sent a friend request to all of them on facebook..that I am the only one who has reached out to any of them.. including my gym management and owner..to just be further excluded. I realize that these people are not my true friends.. because I cannot ask them for anything..and they would be embarrassed if I mentioned them on facebook..if I tagged them..and they will not like anything on my facebook.. even my fitness post.. there was only two of them that wished me a Happy Birthday..or hit like on the rare occasion.. I realize that I am giving my power away..by attempting to reach out..and reach out..and be friends with people who really don’t care about me at all.. even though I have seen them looking at my facebook regularly ..as they are up on my most recents list..but it seems I am but a strange and fascinating thing.. or maybe I am just fuel for further gossip.. and so I took them off of my facebook.. my power is eroded by this constant guessing.. by wondering.. but rumors have a way of returning back to the person who is the reason for the rumor..and of course once that happens who is to say what the truth is.. and so this is what I did to get my power back from a battle that I simply cannot win..

I unplugged, I stopped following my gym’s page.. I stopped following any of them on social media.. even the ones that seemed to be nicer than others.. not to be vengeful or hateful..but to be neutral..and to accept that it is what it is..whatever it is..it isn’t my business..

My business is going to the gym to workout..not to fit in and to try to convince others that I am a good person.. if they don’t see that I am then they don’t..

I am just going to workout and find my power in flying solo..

Drama free..

Bitchy, Mean Girls

http://kelownawomeninbusiness.blogspot.ca/2012_09_01_archive.html

 

Bonita and I met at a Goddess Party.. held by a woman who really didn’t understand what it meant to be a Goddess.. turns out the Goddess movement in Kelowna is pretty wishy-washy.. just like Kelowna.. When I read from my book at the party..full of women.. I was hushed..as I was reading a piece from my book about religious repression of women’s sexuality and religious repression against sexuality as a whole.. The Goddess is all about women’s sexuality, exploring women’s sexuality and about women expressing their sex through the archetypes of all the ancient Goddesses.. but not in a bible belt.. in a bible belt speaking about such things is offensive..and so I was shushed.. while the other women went on to sing their songs..and read their writings .. I was hurt and shocked.. at the repression and the immaturity of these grown women.. but Bonita wanted to meet with me..

The next day.. we walked together down the lake front to go and have our dinner meeting.. it was October 2012.. it was a full moon that night.. during our walk I made a joke about loving to be naked..as I am topless on my website.. right away I saw Bonita cringe.. she didn’t get the joke..and she said something as to how it made her uncomfortable.. I could sense the stick up her ass..but my curiosity got the best of me.. I wanted to know what this was all about.. She started to tell me on our walk that other women were uncomfortable with my body language .. that I had a raw sexuality about me that they found threatening.. she told me that other women would fear for their husbands around me.. she said ” See how other women grab onto their men when you walk by?” She said..” You should dress like me, like a professional..than other women will not be offended and men will take you seriously.”

I thought ” This is going to be interesting..and this is getting catty and bitchy… I wonder what she will say during dinner.. ?” I just had to know.. this was fucked up..

During dinner.. she told me that other women she knew ( meaning Kelowna Women In Business) wouldn’t want to network with me with “those pictures on your website” She told me that I was seen as a whore..she then went into the etymology of the world.. going back to German roots.. saying it meant a lewd, prostitute.. VULGAR.. She told me that I was sexually injured.. that my chakras were all lower energy.. meaning I live in my crotch.. that I am not spiritually tuned into the universe like she is.. that I am not as evolved as she is..

She told me that if I wanted to network in Kelowna with women in Kelowna that I had to button up.. wear a dress suite.. be just like them to fit in and not be seen as a threat.. she told me TO STOP WEIGHT LIFTING!!! She said I should have a yoga body like hers..she told me that my muscle is a threat and not feminine to men..she told me I threatened men by my warrior like energy..that I am too strong, my personality is a turn off to men..because I have such a hard body..that women and men are both threatened ..

It became clear to me that she was speaking for Kelowna Women In Business..and it seemed as if Melonie Dodaro had sent her with instructions.. ” Get her to blend or push her out.”

With that cattiness and bitchiness coming at me I intentionally planted a seed.. just to see if it would grow into a rumor .. I thought ” I will give them something to talk about” I have had that mischief in me since I can remember.. it amuses me to tinker with small minds and fearful people.. so I told Bonita that I had slept with a married man.. I told her I did it just to see what the power trip would feel like.. I thought ” If they are so afraid for their husbands this rumor should spread like wild fire.” So I wonder.. did it? I bet as soon as she left me she got on her phone texting ” What a slut..she does sleep with married men.”

Anyway.. I wasn’t root chakra damaged before the meeting with Bonita..but I was afterwards..and I still am.. I hope writing this helps me heal.. I haven’t been with a man since or even really tried to date.. This entire experience of attempting to network with such cruel people.. has made me feel like there isn’t any love in this city..there certainly has been any for me..

I am including a piece from Psychology today about Feminine Foes.. why women do this sort of shit to other women..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201401/feminine-foes-new-science-explores-female-competition?tr=HomeEssentials

“”According to Benenson, a common way women deal with the threat represented by a remarkably powerful or beautiful woman is by insisting on standards of equality, uniformity, and sharing for all the women in the group and making these attributes the normative requirements of proper femininity.

Third, in extreme cases women may guard against potential competitors by means of social exclusion. If a new attractive woman shows up in the neighborhood (or school, or club), all the women in attendance may turn their backs on her, compelling her to withdraw from the scene, thus increasing their own chances with the surrounding males.”" ~Psychology Today

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