When I wasn’t even fully awake this morning; my eyes not yet even open, the thought that came into my consciousness was ” No more assholes.” I was waking up in the country to open my drapes to see the snow covered mountains to the sound of the early morning train. I love the sound of the train at night and the coyotes. The coyotes sound so hauntingly beautiful and mysterious on the cold and snowy winter nights. I woke up to waking up; to a feeling of coming back to my senses or the center of myself. It was a peaceful yet a radical awakening as I realized I didn’t ever have to fight anyone for anything when I was living in the city of Kelowna. I realized I didn’t even have to move to Kelowna to create my book and I realized, I can and I will, create whatever the fuck I want, whenever I fucking want to. When I left the city I left them to their own devices and I realized upon awakening that I always should have. I should of never cared what they thought of me or how they labeled me to suit their own purposes and insecurities. There ignorance was theirs to own not for me to trouble myself with even addressing, towards giving them or their issues any of my time.
My soul feels nourished once more and I do feel whole once more and reborn into myself and my own internal power. It is like I walked back into a mirror to walk into myself. All the names that they called me and all the things that they would have me believe myself to be, have fallen away and they are with them in Kelowna.
Before I awoke to my thought of ” No more assholes.” I had a dream. In my dream I was in a hologram and I was erasing parts of the illusion until it was gone. I stepped out of the hologram and back into my own life.. and so it was that Kelowna, I was in a 6 year bad dream that I allowed to be real by accepting the illusions that others projected towards me. My dream was my subconscious becoming conscious and awakening me to myself while I awoke. It was a dream of everyday magic; and that my friends is true awareness.
I have a new attitude towards my life now, I have a new attitude towards others who question my life and me as a person ( You are not my problem and I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you about my choices or my life )
I don’t need to fight anyone to be heard. If you don’t want to hear me that is your choice and it’s my choice not to give a damn and my choice to move towards life and happiness and way from assholes.
I am not going to waste my life and that is my time here on this planet, attempting to be the asshole whisperer. I am going to walk towards the light and happiness and teach my children to do the same. I am going to spend my time and energy on people who respect me, love me and who want to hear my message. I am turning my attention towards love, hope and joy. I am being fully emotionally present with my children, as in the past asshole’s nasty energy took my energy and time away from my kids. Not anymore. I am turning my back on all those who don’t matter and giving my love and attention to those who do..including myself.
I know logically it will take another 100 years or so before women have the same sexual freedoms and rights as men. I have done my part for society and for the human race upon writing my book ( The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) available on Amazon.ca
So now I am going to let it ride on the hands of fate. I will keep writing, but I am not pushing and I am not fighting.. what is meant to be will be.. I am going to enjoy my life and peace.
I watched a documentary about ancient Buddhist monks. They spent their entire lives eating twigs, berries and other herbs that would mommify them or start to preserve their flesh while they still lived. They spent their entire lives meditating on overcoming the urges of the flesh. I know some so called spiritual people in my local area that deny the flesh as well. They tell themselves they are moving into their ” Light body ” so they don’t need to eat very much.. that they are needing less and less food.. while they only do yoga for spiritual enlightenment, meditation and for mild fitness. I have had them say to me ” I believe in the future that we will not need to have sex.” once again this is denying the present and the flesh; yet ironically they quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book ” The Power of Now” a book about being in the present moment. It seems to me that these spiritualists are mixing religion with spirituality..and of course religions view the flesh and earthly needs like sex as sinful ..of lower urges. Many spiritualist say they want only Agape love..vs Eros love.. there are many types and stages of love.. but Agape, they feel is the higher-self or God form of love.. yet were are here in this reality to experience all of love in all it’s forms including lust.. we are meant to master the emotion of love by tempering it with logic.. yet we see this great imbalance..this denial of life in spiritual belief systems and groups.. the denial of transmuting light and shadow to transform or rather balance spirit and flesh.. this isn’t enlightenment this is ego.. this is an ego using spiritual impunity to compete against others for the title of Guru. But just like someone doing a 24hr race.. running themselves into and early grave.. wearing their bodies away ..burning the candle at both ends.. to walk away with a title.. this is truly a meaningless waste of time and energy..the ancient wisdom of ” all things in moderation” holds true.. You have won nothing but an empty cup..or in the spiritual sense an empty title to feed a struggling ego..this isn’t strength..it is weakness..the truly enlightened know that life is for living.. that it isn’t the destination but the journey that matters..and the meaning of life is in the moment..for that is truly all we have.. all is for naught.. all the posturing and the struggling.. the funny flaky talk, the hemp clothes.. the endless yoga poses.. mean nothing at all if you are not in the still center of yourself..because the universe burst forth from the inside out..
They try to brand the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine .. yet these aspects of nature and humanity cannot be owned ..they are wild..and they exist in the moment.. they are raw, wounded, vulnerable, sexy, free, untamed ..they can be owned by no one.. every man that lives to love and uphold women is him.. every woman that wishes to love and up hold men is she.. and they are aspects or archetypes that shape shift within each and every soul..and that is what makes spirituality so different from religion..it is an individualistic personal perspective on how the viewer views reality.. it is your own lens of perception.. and so no one woman or group of women can say ” Be the Goddess like this” and a singular man or group of men can say ” Be your inner God like this” and that is how The Divine says wild.
Denying the needs of the flesh is futile..and in essence it is self harm..as the flesh and spirit together are the alchemy of the self.. sex, love.. lust.. passion and peace.. are all meant to be experienced .. hence the term ” lust for life” or ” The newborn’s first cry was a lusty cry” We are meant to burst forth.. we are meant to sow our wild oats..and then settle when we feel it is time to take up root .. and then seed out our dreams.. we are of the earthly realm.. we are children of her..we eat of her..sleep on her.,drink of her and make love on her..
And so I will dig my feet into the earth..and I will run with the sun in my hair.. and wish for a good man.. a Divine Masculine man to be between my legs and in my heart..and I will drink up life.. I will eat up life..and I will be in this moment.. moment to moment.. I will love every sunrise and sunset..every changing of the seasons..and I will cry tears of passion, frustration and joy.. yes I will cry and I will sometimes laugh in the same moment..for this life.. and it is for the living..