Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

The best financial advice for women

When I was 13 my mother died. I went to see a grief therapist who’s name was Dr. Linford. The best over all advice he ever gave me was simply this ” Cover your own ass.”  He then explained himself, he said ” So many girls and women give into the damsel in distress archetype Gracie,and that is how they end up victims of men and society. Never put your eggs in one basket and never leave all your money or property in a man’s hands to do with it what he will. You will be told by society and religion that if you are a ” good girl and a good wife.’ you will trust him to make all the financial decisions and to have the final say with the money.. and that is how you will loose your power. Don’t loose yourself in the role of wife and mother; always have your own passions and money..even if it is just a small part time job..always have something saved away for a rainy day.. that keeps a man in check and keeps him from over powering you. Men are socially programmed to dominate and control women; the easiest and most acceptable way to control women is through the purse strings. To be an equal you must demand and command your equality by covering your own ass.”

I did listen to him. I always had my own income even in common law relationships. I always had other interests other than a man or men in general. I wasn’t boy crazy.. but of course I slipped. When my ex husband and I met he had nothing and his small landscaping business was failing. I helped him up an out of his dept hole by teaching him how to choose better partners, to sell the old business and through my own hard work I was able to get a business grant through the federal government by taking a month long course and writing a detailed business plan.. to get that grant he had to legally sign over 51% ownership of the business { guess the government was onto some guys as I was given the grant for being a young female minority } I had legal signing authority over the bank accounts.. but while pregnant with our second child we moved to a different city and opened up new accounts..and while very pregnant the bank manager asked me in front of my husband while he was holding our toddler ” Would you like a lawyer present for formal legal signing authority over the counts?” My then husband answered for me ” Oh we don’t need that, you trust me don’t you sweet heart?” and so I declined the offer.. my ass was then fully exposed to be screwed over.. and so to make a long story short.. by the time our third child was born he had himself a midlife crisis ” it was my fault of course because I didn’t make like perfect enough for him” he left to Mexico with his mistress and best friends .. and locked me out of the business accounts and drained our personal account to 0.00 balance… point proven right  :(

And then I went through a sexist legal system that didn’t respect my rights and equality in the marriage..by me not respecting myself enough not to give him full financial authority over me..and so I was denied justice and was cut short by thousands of dollars in the sale of the our house that he thought primarily to belong to him..as women’s work doesn’t matter and as women’s time isn’t as valuable as a man’s time??? Or so he thought and still thinks to this day..but men are socially programmed to believe that women are not as valuable as men..and that is why we cannot fall into the trap of believing that ourselves.

I don’t care how long you have been married or in a relationship; you must have your own source of income, you must have your own car, you must have your own interest, talents or intellect on which you can draw upon to guide you towards making an income for yourself. Many women who become newly single through death or divorce simply focus on finding a new man for financial safety and resources .. when they should be working on their own way to generate for themselves.. we see many women fall into the same patterns of behavior with future relationships and then they wonder why they keep getting financially abused?

These are the realities of the real world.. what do you think would happen to Cinderella if Prince Charming decided she got to old and the parlor maid was to hot to ignore? What happens to her then? Cinderella didn’t own the Kingdom .. it’s all in his name and she is simply an item to discard at his will..

So cover your own ass.. I am now, and I will never make that mistake again.

The Other Woman

 

She came to pick up my kids today.. as my ex was ” busy ” As she was buckling them up in the parking lot I was looking at them through the kitchen widow.. and getting my cold chicken out of the fridge.. I was thrust back in time..to 6 years ago.. when she came to our old farm house as an employee to drop off the landscape equipment at the end of the day.. he had just left me and the kids.. he had come to pick up the kids… I was alone crying..eating cold chicken when she drove into the drive way. Guess the chicken triggered the memory. I am sure she could hear my crying as she unloaded the equipment into the shed. We were in the country.. it was secluded and quiet .. I know she heard me crying..and she knew it was because of her and him..all though they were both lying to me about their affair.

When she came to work for us her marriage to an older man..who was an ignorant, in dept..wanna be rich bastard was ending. She was left in dept..she was in a desperate place working for us and a couple of other jobs.. The affair started when I lost a baby at 5 months into a pregnancy. He became emotionally withdraw and selfish.. I was too much work and she offered him solace I am sure. She had opportunity and motive. She was with another man; but he didn’t have any money.. but he had a handicapped child and he was fat. My husband was much better looking, fit and he was good with money. She knew of our struggles..and to her it was an easy in. I was very out of shape.. having had my 2 daughters that were still just toddlers..having lost a few babies.. I was in the ” in between phase ” She didn’t have pretty face, she was of average intelligence but she was very fit. I knew something was up when she wouldn’t wear a bra to work..and my ex said nothing to her.. even though he would of to other employees..he started to come home later.. he couldn’t account for large spaces of time..and he would talk about her to me.. I knew something was wrong. When I was expecting our son.. when it was confirmed that the pregnancy was viable.. he must of had some remorse or guilt..because she quit.. she started to work at the local grocery store. I ran into her once..as she was my cashier; I was very pregnant with my son..my daughters were with me.. they were both very little at the time..I asked her ” Why did you stop working for us?” Her face twisted into a snarl as she said ” Your husband is such womanizer, I just cannot stand how he treats women!” I actually stood up for my then husband at the time..but I realize years later her venom was because she couldn’t manipulate him into leaving me..so she was pouting ..her plan failed for the time being..of replacing me in the food chain. She was so selfish and self absorbed it didn’t matter to her that she would crush his children as well as me.

When our son was a month old.. we were out at the soccer field ..watching our little girls play when suddenly she just happened to show up? She walked over to us..and held our son all the while looking my husband in the eye with a pleading look..it was really quite sickening; that they both didn’t think that I could see what was going on.. all the while holding our little one month old miracle child between the two cheating lovers locked eyes. I was devastated..but when we got the kids into bed later that night.. when my then husband and I were alone.. he called me paranoid.. he denied it with a vengeance. Our son was born in April..she came back to work for us suddenly that spring.. with no bra..short shorts..and full makeup.

I saw them often through the widows of our farm house..as they unloaded or loaded equipment.. I saw their body language and flirting.. but of course he continued to deny it.. he came home hrs late one evening smelling like sex.. really .. he smelled so bad..because it was July and he drove home in the heat with her sex all over him.. even our little girls told him that he smelled yucky.. he said ” I was working in the ponds ” more like he was sleeping with a swamp monster. He changed his clothes..and woofed down his dinner still smelling.. he looked guilty as hell, but smug.

I know by Christmas they were planning .. they were making his great escape from the old ball and chain.. he paced around the house like an untamed jungle cat in a cage. You could tell he didn’t what to be with us.. he wanted his freedom..his hot piece of ass.. he stopped sleeping with me.. he would move downstairs to the couch.. he would pick fights by calling me names and accusing me of laziness.. I was called a bitch often for my anger at him and his undercover affair.. that was obvious..so obvious.

Money started to go missing..  the business files from the home computer were downloaded onto a laptop.. he stopped including me in the running of the business..but I was grieving the loss of my sister..who had just died from a brain tumor.. I was sick with undiagnosed celiac disease.. when some of the money showed up as an over payment to his old high school friends..and they informed me that they were going to take him on a trip to Mexico with it.. for his 40th birthday..a late gift.. ( A plan of escape ) but I was told I was paranoid..

He had been texting secretly outside on his phone all day in the cold of the winter.. because he was texting her.. I could see him smile and light up from time to time as a text came in.. She showed up at the house bringing Christmas gifts..one for me and the kids and one just for him.. of course he was across the property in the shop ( because they were texting the plan to each other ) when she came to the door to give me our ” Gifts” She was dressed in skin tight yoga pants.. stiletto high boots.. red lipstick and hoop earrings ( but nothing was going on right?) she asked me were my husband was { like she didn’t know } I told her he was in the shop.. I said ” You look amazing.. you are really fit ” She said ” I am in the best shape of my life!” and then off she walked to the shop.. a walk of victory to go and claim her man..right in front of his wife ..with our children around my ankles..

I know you are wondering ( Why didn’t you stop her..why didn’t you confront her?) There were many reasons. 1, I couldn’t make him stay 2, I couldn’t loose it front of the kids 3, my pride and dignity wouldn’t allow it.. I just couldn’t fall that low.. I just couldn’t let her or him do that to me..I just couldn’t.. So instead I stayed in the house with my children. With my toddlers and my baby boy.. I stayed strong and let fate just be fate.. but I was dying inside.. I died that year. The old me died.

Now in this present moment six years later.. yes she has all the money..she has the man.. she has financial stability ..she has a man that will walk away from his wife and kids when the going gets tough..she doesn’t have a man at all she has a coward. She has what she deserves..

Yes I struggle as a single mom..and yes this showed me how vengeful and manipulative other women can be..

But I am free of a man that didn’t ever really love me.. I don’t think he ever saw me.. I wonder if he even really sees how wonderful and beautiful our children are..as he is always looking over the other side of the fence to see the grass is greener..he will never be content… his heart is closed..so she got what she deserves..he got a cold hearted manipulative woman.. he got what he deserves. She is ugly on the inside.

But now I am in the best shape of my life..and I have a pretty face and a pretty heart..

I am ready to find a true and lasting love..

I got what I deserve..and so much better is on the way still..

Marriage

It seems like such a sweet thing; two people meet and decide they love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. But……

All the old school traditions of marriage seem to seep in.. a little at a time. Oh I started out a free woman, working along beside him at our family business..but then…

We decided to start a family and that is when the tables turned.. all of a sudden he decided he was the MAN..and he started to make decisions without me..and about me..as if he owned me and my womb..because his unborn child resided inside of me.

Soon he started to slack off.. leaving his messes for me to clean up..and all the domestic work became mine..as all of his REAL work was more important.. he was more important..as I needed to slow down due to a difficult pregnancy ..well you know.. he was doing all the real work now..and I was starting to belong to him.

Within a year.. I had no say.. it was like yelling into a dark cave as he took my voice away. He took advantage of the fact that I was busy with a baby; that I had no family, and no one to take a stand for me. He depleted me.

Next he was looking at other women; fit, younger, single, child free women and he was comparing them to me. But when I started back at the gym; when I went to the gym to take care of myself, to get my body back.. I was selfish..because of course he was doing all the real work.. I was just staying home with a baby.

Soon I was expected to let go of my dreams; as writing a book and being an artist was just silly to him; nope my dreams had to become his dreams, my interest his interest, my thoughts about him and what he wanted..and his wants were to change constantly.. there was no keeping up for me.. I was drained.. I was trapped as he had me lost in him.

He disrespected constantly; he undervalued me, he would undermine me .. he took me away from me.

He left me because I wasn’t good enough.. he left me because we had three kids and he wasn’t getting enough attention from me..because he was the biggest, whiniest, wimp.. our children are growing up but he never will…

But when he left me.. he left me to find myself again..

And I did.

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