Posts Tagged ‘dating and relationships’

Chiron Tears

 

Sometimes there is a gift or two in sadness, suffering and sorrow. We are a society that is constantly searching outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment. But what if it is the constant searching that makes us unhappy? We are always waiting for a better tomorrow and a brighter day but when we do this, we are not being in the moment or being present in our truth ,and the reality that we are currently facing. I have been doing this by telling myself that when I meet my soul mate my life will begin again. I have put myself in a frozen holding pattern by telling myself I will not be fulfilled unless a man loves me romantically again. I have wanted to prove to my ex husband that I am lovable by finding a man to love me the way he refused to do. But then if I believe this I am not loving myself and I will not be loving the man I could be with. I would just be in love with love or romantic notions rather than with myself or with the person that I am with.

I have been doing this with my book as well. Telling myself my life will begin as soon as I reach the success of having a publishing house publish me, and by reaching public notice, that my life will then begin. But the truth is my life and I have always been here this entire 8 years since my husband left me with our three kids. The truth is just the fact that I wrote a book and self published the bo0k has been a level of success that few people ever reach. The truth is that happiness has not evaded me but I have been finding excuses to ignore it.

I learned this lesson from the last man I dated just a few days ago. I fell into the online fantasy again and did what I said I would never do. That was texting and face timing with a man for hours before meeting with him in person to see if there was a physical connection. In the last 8 years of my single life it has always ended badly. You see it is easy to construct a romantic fantasy online. It is easy for men and women to profess to be much more online than in person. It is like building a castle in the clouds. It is nothing but fantasy that cannot be in reality. When I was on my way to meet him I felt a deep sadness because inside I knew what was going to happen. It crashed and burned. He told me he didn’t find me attractive by text message afterwards. I felt the fall again. The fall from the castle in the clouds. I went over everything he said to me in my head ” I really feel like something amazing is happening between us, something very special.” that’s what he said; and I fell for it like a total fool. Like I said, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I have had so many of these meet up dates over the last 8 years I can’t possiblily remember them all, it must be over 100. Yet here I was falling into the same patterns of longing and yearning for the fantasy man who would ride in on his white horse and save me from loneliness.

One of my worst fears is dying before I am loved by a man

But then what if I drop the false hope? What if I drop the yearning and the longing and I let myself fall deeply into the wound of loneliness? What if I stay in the wound for awhile and explore the pain? What happens when I just allow myself to be in the reality of being alone? What if there is never going to be anyone? Can I be happy just being alone? Can I learn to except myself as the loner, weird artist, spiritualist that has always never fit in? What if I just accept the reality of the place that I am? It’s drinking my tears to heal my wound because the wounds of abandonment cannot be healed if I keep abandoning myself in this loneliness. And that is the gift in the suffering, itis  learning to accept myself as I am, it is learning that real love isn’t a fantasy and anyone that tries to sell you on a fantasy isn’t looking for the real thing; and wouldn’t know the real thing if they think a fantasy is love. Because real love is accepting yourself and others for all their imperfections and wierdness. I was willing to look past his imperfections but he was not willing to do the same. Sometimes it is better to be alone. I felt myself fall and get pulled down by crashing reality because I allowed the fable.

Sometimes being hopefull is actually being in denial because my heart knew and my intuition knew exactly what was about to happen because my subconscious was waking up to my denial. So there is no fairytale ending but there is a real and honest happiness in facing the truth. No one can make me happy but me and no one can heal my emotional pain and wounds but me. My happiness is my responsibility, moment to moment because the moment is all we have.

My book is available on amazon.com ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ by Gracie Ackerman

That one in a million guy will get me

 

Driving with my son this afternoon from Vernon back home to Armstrong, we had the windows rolled down as if to welcome the sunshine and spring into the car. The sweet smell of animal shit came wafting in and I said to my son as he made a face ” That sweet smell of the country.” it was like a welcome home. Both me and my boy are learning to leave the pretentiousness of Kelowna behind us. Later that evening we decided through a friends advice not to dye his hair metalic blue because Armstrong isn’t Kelowna and his farm kids friends just wouldn’t get it. Then my girlfriend said to me ” Gracie the real you isn’t like the person you post online. I mean it is and it isn’t. The Gracie I see is low key and nature loving. You didn’t fit into Kelowna because you are not high maintenance. Like I understand why you do what you do online, but other people just will not get it especially guys. But I get it because I have to run a business and but on my business face just like you have your online profile ego and I know that it is both sides to the coin for both of us, and that we are just country girls at home.. but to other people who don’t really know you they just will not get it.” than I said to her ” But you found a guy that gets it, you found that ( one in a million guy ) that guy that is the redneck, country boy at home but the high flying business dude at work.. so if you can than I stand a chance of meeting a man that can get me and my two sides of the coin just like all of us? Or at least I hope so, because the work I do online is important and I need the ego or the persona to get the attention for the message.”

But yes she is absolutley right, it is going to be very difficult to find the man or have the one in a million man find me going by my online profile. Women’s sexual empowerment and equality, and calling myself a feminist is going to scare off a lot of men or attract men who get the wrong idea. When I was in Kelowna W. Brett Wilson called me crazy and pretentious because he is used to women like that obviously, but I think he spoke for most men who would judge me the same way going by what I post online. He told me I was attention seeking, and by a base line one size fits all defintion he was correct. The online Gracie does want attention to get the message out that a woman getting attention for her sexuality isn’t evil, slutty or shameful; but the Gracie at home in her daily life.. well I am actually quite simple. I am a little jock/nerd/mommy/country girl. Yes I am an intellectual as I can tell you that the feminine archetype I am describing here is the Artemis/Venus. You see Artemis is the other side of the coin of Venus.. so Venus would be high maintenance and very sensual and Artemis is the chaste, athletic woman or girl. A woman goes from both one to the other and that confuses men, a psychologist will know exactly what I am talking about.

I have been in my inner Artemis for a few years now as I haven’t had a sexual partner for 2 1/2 years now. I know that seems like a total contradiction towards what I put out online towards women’s sexual freedom and empowerment. Of course many men and women will assume by my online profile that I have many partners and lots of sex; but it is also my freedom to explore being chaste.

I have had a very similar conversation  with another girlfriend of mine who is working on becoming a psycholigist; as to how in my daily life and upon getting to know me personally how I am both the Artemis and the Venus and as to how I am very much the Artemis right now in my daily life. Artemis is also very grounded and intouch with nature and children.

Another of my girlfriends was telling me how awful it is that a woman cannot say she is a strong woman and than say she also wants a relationship with a man, without the world judging her as weak. She is right. I believe a strong woman can do it on her own but she is also strong by letting a man do for her, and a strong man will not want her to do everything for herself but will want to help her and show her love by helping her. I am not an old school feminist who believes that wanting and having a man in her life is weak, I believe becoming a couple with the right person can make you stronger in many ways. Most men and women will judge me online as not being open towards bring in a masculine man or country gentleman towards me for calling myself a feminist.

I am a very spiritual woman but I can’t handle spiritual flakery; I don’t want to attract a spiritual nutcase either. I think he will be my opposite and even possibly be an atheist to counteract or balance me. That is why opposites attract. I guess my one in a million guy will be like me in the fact that he can be all business and serious about his work out in the world like I am with my book and blog; but be a sweet, and chill redneck country boy at home.. He will be the one that is smart enough and brave enough to understand why and what I am doing online, and stand by me; but also he will have the wisdom and common sense to see that I am really a pure and simple soul.

As a mom it’s really hard to write, it was really difficult to take the selfie I posted here; as I try to write someone always wants and needs something and when I was taking the selfie my son kept banging on my bedroom door. I was lucky to get the pic first try. Trying to edit my blog and to edit the image… ya right.

In real life, my life is very nitty gritty. I don’t party because it’s just too much work and I like my sleep so I can get up and lift and workout in the mornings. I am actually quite basic, very loyal to my friends and family. I have never cheated on a man and I am a one man, woman. I like my daily life simple and sweet. In many ways I  can be quite old fashioned.

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