Posts Tagged ‘Dating after Separation’

Chiron Tears

 

Sometimes there is a gift or two in sadness, suffering and sorrow. We are a society that is constantly searching outside of ourselves for happiness and fulfillment. But what if it is the constant searching that makes us unhappy? We are always waiting for a better tomorrow and a brighter day but when we do this, we are not being in the moment or being present in our truth ,and the reality that we are currently facing. I have been doing this by telling myself that when I meet my soul mate my life will begin again. I have put myself in a frozen holding pattern by telling myself I will not be fulfilled unless a man loves me romantically again. I have wanted to prove to my ex husband that I am lovable by finding a man to love me the way he refused to do. But then if I believe this I am not loving myself and I will not be loving the man I could be with. I would just be in love with love or romantic notions rather than with myself or with the person that I am with.

I have been doing this with my book as well. Telling myself my life will begin as soon as I reach the success of having a publishing house publish me, and by reaching public notice, that my life will then begin. But the truth is my life and I have always been here this entire 8 years since my husband left me with our three kids. The truth is just the fact that I wrote a book and self published the bo0k has been a level of success that few people ever reach. The truth is that happiness has not evaded me but I have been finding excuses to ignore it.

I learned this lesson from the last man I dated just a few days ago. I fell into the online fantasy again and did what I said I would never do. That was texting and face timing with a man for hours before meeting with him in person to see if there was a physical connection. In the last 8 years of my single life it has always ended badly. You see it is easy to construct a romantic fantasy online. It is easy for men and women to profess to be much more online than in person. It is like building a castle in the clouds. It is nothing but fantasy that cannot be in reality. When I was on my way to meet him I felt a deep sadness because inside I knew what was going to happen. It crashed and burned. He told me he didn’t find me attractive by text message afterwards. I felt the fall again. The fall from the castle in the clouds. I went over everything he said to me in my head ” I really feel like something amazing is happening between us, something very special.” that’s what he said; and I fell for it like a total fool. Like I said, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I have had so many of these meet up dates over the last 8 years I can’t possiblily remember them all, it must be over 100. Yet here I was falling into the same patterns of longing and yearning for the fantasy man who would ride in on his white horse and save me from loneliness.

One of my worst fears is dying before I am loved by a man

But then what if I drop the false hope? What if I drop the yearning and the longing and I let myself fall deeply into the wound of loneliness? What if I stay in the wound for awhile and explore the pain? What happens when I just allow myself to be in the reality of being alone? What if there is never going to be anyone? Can I be happy just being alone? Can I learn to except myself as the loner, weird artist, spiritualist that has always never fit in? What if I just accept the reality of the place that I am? It’s drinking my tears to heal my wound because the wounds of abandonment cannot be healed if I keep abandoning myself in this loneliness. And that is the gift in the suffering, itis  learning to accept myself as I am, it is learning that real love isn’t a fantasy and anyone that tries to sell you on a fantasy isn’t looking for the real thing; and wouldn’t know the real thing if they think a fantasy is love. Because real love is accepting yourself and others for all their imperfections and wierdness. I was willing to look past his imperfections but he was not willing to do the same. Sometimes it is better to be alone. I felt myself fall and get pulled down by crashing reality because I allowed the fable.

Sometimes being hopefull is actually being in denial because my heart knew and my intuition knew exactly what was about to happen because my subconscious was waking up to my denial. So there is no fairytale ending but there is a real and honest happiness in facing the truth. No one can make me happy but me and no one can heal my emotional pain and wounds but me. My happiness is my responsibility, moment to moment because the moment is all we have.

My book is available on amazon.com ~ The Goddess an Expression of the Divine Feminine ~ by Gracie Ackerman

Too fat and fucked up to be his girlfriend

 

Doesn’t seem to matter what a woman does, it’s just not good enough for many men. It seems to me many guys have this make-believe perfect, weird science bitch living in their heads. I think she is different for most men; but she has similar traits expressed by most men. First off she is calm and kind ( a push over ) and she has the perfect body type. She isn’t too tall or too short; she isn’t too muscular or too thin.. and she never ages. She never gets mad and she does what he expects her to do without having to be told what to do.. she just knows exactly what he wants ( mind reader ) she is a lady in public but a sex freak in private for him.. but not too freaky least she should make him feel insecure ( that she may of had better than him or that he isn’t enough to satisfy her ). She doesn’t ever upstage him.. she gives him all the glory and the limelight .. she worships him and treats him like a GOD.

I am not her. I have my good moments I guess ???…but I have a temper..my temper is like a summer storm; it’s hot, fast and then it blows over just as fast.. makes you wonder if it even happened at all. I am short, I can be shy and then I can be a show off. I like the little bit of fat on my tummy.. it’s just a little bit..but I find it feminine. I am fit and I think fabulous but I am not a bodybuilder chick.. I train for strength and conditioning..but I am the one who will save us all from the zombies when they attack. I am not going to starve myself or go on ultra strict diets to please men or any man.I like my curves and my muscle.. I am aging and I am going to do that gracefully. I am not going to lie about my age and I am not going to feel shame about my body changing.. I am not going to compete with other women for a man’s attention of affections.. I have too much dignity and self-respect to jump through hoops like a trained poodle to coddle some guys ego.I am strong willed and strong minded.. I don’t want some guy in my head taking up all my intellectual space .. I have better things to think about then what the fuck he might be thinking about..

It’s so ironic that people preach about being authentic when they are too chicken shit to be truly authentic..being authentic means accepting your imperfections.. if they be physical or personal..

I just cannot imagine ever being in another relationship with a man who has to pick me apart to feed his own fragile ego.. I was married to a guy like that.. always looking over the fence to see how much greener the grass was.. because he wasn’t taking care of our relationship or putting his full intentions into our relationship..and I find that most of the single divorced men my age still haven’t taken full ownership of doing that themselves in their last relationships.. yet they say ” My ex wife was a bitter angry woman ” my thoughts on this ” Yes I bet she was since you were always comparing her to that make-believe, weird science bitch that lives in your head.. and you were always comparing her to every perfect looking or seemingly perfect woman that walked by.. yes I bet she was right pissed off at your shit ” I am thinking as he sits beside me on our coffee, meet up date..and he weighs and judges me with his eyes.. seeing something or hearing something from me that just doesn’t look or sound perfect enough.. because I am too short.. or my hair is the wrong color or length.. my boobs are not perky enough.. my teeth are not strait enough and I have a blemish on my chin… I am bloated because it’s the first day of my period..and no, I don’t want to body build and shred my body fat to look like the bitch in his head…

I wonder how many men have passed up some pretty damn amazing women because they can’t get past their own bullshit and insecurities..because they are getting older, and fatter and shorter.. because things are sagging on them…and their male hormones are making them softer..they just ain’t as hard as they used to be.. I think if they came to their own acceptance and grew the fuck up.. they would find that imperfections are uniqueness ..and character.. imperfections are endearing .. and imperfections are sexy ..

So I guess I need man who just as fucked up as I am… I am sure he going to be sexy as hell.

Married again?

 

After my nasty divorce; after having been married to selfish, mean man, I never thought I would ever consider marriage again. I realize now it’s because I have been afraid the same thing would happen..because I would unknowingly attract the same sort of man into my life again. More than it wasn’t; I didn’t trust men or ever hated men, it was that I didn’t trust myself. Back then I didn’t have the sense of self worth that I have today. I didn’t love myself. I found it very difficult to be alone, I was lonely alone with myself; not anymore. I really enjoy my own company. I take good care of myself for myself. I am not desperately seeking anyone or anything. I haven’t given up on love I just understand what love is now. I know the difference between, romantic love, lust and passion vs an endearing long lasting love. I don’t date men whom I don’t think qualify as long lasting.. meaning I don’t go on many dates. I am selective.. I am looking for quality but not perfection.

I am not qualifying men by looks or money alone; I am looking for a man with heart and soul.

When I do meet him many things will be different from my first marriage.. not just that he isn’t my ex.. but we both will be mature. There will be no babies, no toddlers.. we will have more freedom to do other things. It’s an entirely new dynamic.

I am a different person than I was way back in 1997 when I met my ex husband. I was in a rush, I was 27 and I wanted a family.. I wanted babies and so I overlooked many of his flaws that were more like red flags. He took no responsibility for his short comings, he blamed others for his faults and weaknesses instead of facing them head on and dealing with them. He didn’t want to cook or do any domestic chores; he was controlling. My fault was giving myself away; being too willing to throw myself at his feet because I wanted to be a mother and he was willing to be a father. I have grown so much as a person. I know who I am ..and I know that my strengths can also be my weaknesses. I am very passionate, high spirited, dramatic, emotional, a nonconformist. I need someone who can stand up to me but also let me go .. set me free, accept the artistic, sexy little freak in me.. I know it’s a lot to ask for.. to find that in a man, and to be attracted to him physically, mentally, emotionally and soulfully.. that’s why I am still single!

But I believe for the right guy I could commit for the long term.. I think what is meant to be will be, when it is meant to happen it just will..

I think that putting romance into perspective is the key; it isn’t just about a pretty ceremony .. ( although I would love that again ) it’s about looking at things long term.. being best friends is the key.. knowing you have each others backs equally..

Life is to short to be bitter and to not hold out hope for someone and something better.

Just another bad date…

 

It started out well enough..

We met at a local coffee shoppe.. I liked his eyes.. his smile.. he was very intelligent.. intellectual actually.. clean.. presentable.. and he looked at me with appreciation .. like he was very attracted to me..

We stood in the line-up for a while talking.. It was great.. but then when he paid from my chai tea.. he complained to the girl about the cost.. then as we went to pic up or teas at the other end.. he asked exactly how much mine cost vs his.. then jokingly complained again about me being expensive..then he complained again! ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this you sound cheap..and it’s rude)

We then found a table of his choice.. as he wanted to sit at the table were he was closer to me.. I wanted the comfy arm chairs..

Then he told me about how much he liked my book.. but then he went on about how bad the photography was compared to what he could do.. ( even though when reading my book it was clearly stated that I kept the images imperfect so that every woman could relate as The Goddess) he stated he knew that but he wanted to see ” Better” images of me..and that clearly I could model for better pictures.. I suppose this could be taken as a complement yet it was not a complement, towards the work and meaning of my writing.. Then he showed me the models on his phone that he had taken images of.. then he told me which ones he had .. had sex with during the shoots ( note to guys.. don’t ever do this..as this is clearly in poor taste.. he may of being trying to impress me with the quality of women that he could get to sleep with him, but I found it rude and it grossed me out.. not mention very unprofessional) He told me he could do better images of me.. and would I pay him to do them or make some sort of trade for them..I told him I don’t sleep with men for favors… to make that quite clear…and put on the spot I told him I would think about it…

He then went in to his veganism.. he was very passionate about this.. and during the discussion ( there really wasn’t a discussion) he became very condescending .. he started to talk to me as if I was a small ignorant child when I questioned him about his facts.. when I asked him about soya protein and it’s health issues and then asked him were he got his protein he became very defensive and very annoyed with me.. even angry.. When I told him I believed that animals were being farmed unethically .. and that I agreed with hunting for food.. and clean ethical kills.. and free-range and organics.. he asked me would I think it was OK if someone raped and murdered me? That one shocked me!

He told me a deer isn’t food for a mountain lion.. that it wasn’t put on this earth to be hunted and killed by other animals..when I told him animals eat meat.. I asked him about the ecosystem ? The nature of life and cycles and such things.. I told him your asking nature to rearrange it’s self towards your theories.. asked him what he thought of that? He became more defensive and clung to his studies and theories. I told him I wasn’t dismissing what he was saying only attempting to discuss science, evolution, nutrition, nature, the animal kingdom, instincts.. etc.. and that I was open to what he was saying only that we should always look at things with objectification.. I asked to change the subject.. he wouldn’t change the subject.. I asked him if he did this with all of his dates.. if he was trying to convert them to veganism? He then became even more frustrated and decided he had other things to do… but prior he had planned to spend the entire afternoon with me.. but I was glad that he had other things to do now. I didn’t loose my temper once.. but I found myself counting to 10-30-60 at times.. I was so controlled..

So we ended the coffee date early ( thank GOD!) As I walked away from him I was like sooooooo glad to get away.. I thought to myself ” WTF was that?!?”

I walked away wide -eyed in disbelieve of my fucking luck on dating..

Then I went on a long drive down a country road..and stopped at my favorite place by the lake ..and looked at the deer poop and thought.. “if I was going to be eaten for meat.. just free range me like the deer ok..then one clean shot..and we are good..”

But nature is what nature is.. mankind just has a responsibility to treat animals with respect like other animals treat other animals with respect.. it’s like ” You go about your business.. like your life in your natural state..and then we will do what nature does..but respect the freedom of the life we have while we have it”

After that I went to the grocery store and got myself some free range organic steak.. and then the health food store to get my whey powder and protein bars..

So ya.. he may not be a Christian fundamentalist and claims to detest religion..

So he doesn’t want a good Christian Girl..but he needs a good Vegan Girl who will do as she is told..

And that isn’t me..

So glad I am home alone..

A nightmare date

 

Ok so follow me on this one.. I am going to be digressing and messing around with your ability to keep track of my spastic thoughts..

I was trail running this morning.. being December I was running over frozen mud and patches of ice trying to keep up my momentum without falling on my ass.. and as usual I was thinking. I am always thinking.. it’s exhausting..seriously wish I could take my brain out of my head and put it on ice. I need a vacation from my brain… anyway.. I was pushing myself though the end of my 15 km run..the last 3 km being the hardest..{thinking} bout people that push themselves to finish.. Steve Jobs flashed into my mind..then the poem ” The Crazy One’s” cause I am crazy one.. I was running 15 km in Dec ( she says sarcastically ) .. or < insert sarcasm here > but then I remembered the DATE.. ” Oh shit.. I believed that jerk for this entire time.. that was like 4 years ago..and I am so gullible I believed him up til this flash of sudden fucking awareness” You see he got me all worked up by telling me he wrote that poem for Steve Jobs ..and I believed him.. he went so far as to pretend to complete the rest of the poem..and I believed him.. gawd I am just too innocent and trusting for my own good.. stupid little Polly-Anna!

you can click on the Steve Jobs image to enlarge it if you like…

I thought this guy was a genius… but in a way he was.. very manipulative..smart enough to see that I was new to dating..newly separated and so I was like live bait… *sigh*

He put Steve Jobs in my head.. he was also an older man.. his pictures on the dating site were great..he kinda had a Spock/Steve thingy going on for him. Chatting with him on the site.. he was very intelligent. He said he was in a rehabilitation center for sleeping pill addiction.. that his work caused him great stress.. and I believed him; because my divorce lawyer had gone through the same thing. But my lawyer was a great guy, had his shit together so I figured this guy was in the same league .. I was so wrong. Your going to laugh at how wrong I was. I was wronger than wrong. I must of been insane.

We then talked for hours on the phone. I thought I was in love with his mind. I loved our conversations about physics/ quantum theory .. religion.. politics.. human rights..and sex. Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy with a huge brain; a distinguished-ness.. or class. Within a couple of weeks of texting and talking on the phone I was ready to meet him. He just had to finish his rehab..

He took a bus to meet me because he said he had to renew his licence..but couldn’t since being in rehab..but he couldn’t wait to meet me. I was so excited! I thought I was going to meet the love of my life. I really truly did. I thought ” This it!”  [ I was so fucking dumb ] Oh my GAWD my dumb blond was showing!

I had planned to have him over to my place for dinner. I was going to pick him up from the Greyhound.. then have him over for dinner..than take him to his Hotel.. but this is what happened instead.. brace yourselves..

The man who got off the bus was not him.. it just wasn’t him ( he had used someone else’s picture ) He sorta looked like him..but he wasn’t him .. the guy who got off the bus.. had a hunched back  —I am not fucking kidding— He had warts all over his face and neck..and hands —I am not fucking kidding— his clothes were worn out.. his sneakers.. yes they were sneakers.. looked like they were 20 years old going by fashion. He talked like a girl — I am not fucking kidding— he looked like the kinda weirdo that masturbated in public washrooms. { Ok now I am so ashamed } not only that..but when I started putting things together in my head it dawned on me rather suddenly that he wasn’t in rehab.. and why he didn’t have a car.. because he was a mental patient on a short leave… It was so HORRIBLE!

You are probably thinking. ” How could he be so smart but be ( I gotta say it ) one of The Crazy One’s?”

Because some of the craziest people are very brilliant.. true story..but incapable of living with the public because of chemical imbalances that cause them to be a harm to themselves or others.. he was that..and it was shocking to me how I had been such a tool myself. I was so fooled ..if I only knew then what I know now about dating and online dating..

We sat side by side in the Greyhound terminal for about 15 mins. I told him as kindly but as honestly that I could that he couldn’t come to my place for dinner.. I asked him were his Hotel was..and told him I would drive him to it. He told me he thought he was staying with me..that he didn’t have any money at all; only a 2 way ticket back to his ” rehab” the next day. I ended up putting him up at an expensive Hotel myself because it was one of the few available; because of a sporting even in town.. it was pricey..I paid for my stupidity..

Not only did I pay for my stupidity with the Hotel room and a very rude awakening to my too innocent and trusting nature ( that could get me in serious trouble ) but I also paid in cell phone bills..my phone wasn’t hooked up to .. wifi

So ya… reality bites!

I haven’t been on online dating for a long time.. just started again in the last couple of weeks..got sorta stood up for dinner tonight by a guy asking me to pay because his soon to be ex-wife just emptied the accounts and cleaned off the credit cards.. guess who passed up that?

I think the world is full of BAT-SHIT CRAZY

 

Pure as fresh fallen snow..but

 

Writers block for a few seconds.. did you feel the silence?

I am pure because.. hahaha just flipping through my dictionary and it opened up to the word LENT LOL..I was looking for pure.. now going to my SUPER Thesaurus.. hmm I like undiluted, natural and genuine,real..hahaha.. downright thorough, celibate, decent, good, wholesome, moral.. why.. ? To purge.. oh have I purged.. purged my demons on this blog.. brought them downright, thoroughly into the light of my own awareness..we are buddies now..but I had to purge.. expel..cleanse away all the negative people and experiences I have had since starting my blog and website.. so I had to concentrate my energy in on myself..becoming pure unto myself.. it was needed so that I could protect myself from all the negative influences coming at me because of my work on women’s sexuality.. so as far as looking at pure in purification rituals.. I am so purified. My diet and lifestyle have been super clean. The people I allow into my life.. or near me in my daily life ..I have purged those who are toxic to me. My life has been very ritual based..and I have been very strict with myself.. so that I could stay on a clear path.

So here is the but..in the title of this post…but it is wearing thin now..

It is very difficult for me to find a life partner or a man who wants to be in a relationship with me in the town that I live in.. simply because of my lifestyle, and because many men are not mature enough to understand what I am doing with my book and online profile..and many good men are afraid to socially interact with me because they are afraid of how I will affect their social reputations and professional reputations..

I want a man that lives a fitness lifestyle; that is kind and real..that will be a good example for my children. I don’t drink and party.. I want someone who is wants to be with me at home in the evenings cuddling most of the time..but has his own things going on too.. he doesn’t have to understand exactly what I am doing with my book.. just support my dreams..and I need him to protect me from all the outside negative influences coming at me because of the controversy surrounding my blog.. I need a man that can take care of himself financially and who will eventually be willing to pool resources..

I am not looking for Mr.Perfect.. I am just looking and have been waiting for a decent guy..

How sad is it that I have had to wait so long.. and it’s frustrating.. emotionally and physically frustrating.. sometimes when I get out of the shower and look at myself naked..I think ” What a fricken waste!” because no man has touched me in a very long time..and there seems to be no end insight..and I think to myself  ” Where the hell is he? I am not getting any younger here!”

But .. ( There is the but again) I have learned not to settle.. I have settled before..and it just turned into intense regret..and being lonely with someone.. it’s better to be lonely alone than with someone..

So I suppose there is nothing to be done about it?

 

The Game

I think I chose a really good title for this post .. considering Canada just blew the world away in Men and Women’s Hockey cleaning up all the Gold!

 

If games are upfront..and center .. it’s fair play.. but when one person isn’t aware that they are even playing .. then it is subterfuge: deceit used in order to achieve one’s goal.

 

What I is even worse .. when someone shows the are vulnerable.. and the other person who is being deceitful uses it as a springboard or leverage.. that is the cost of being authentic..be it online or in daily life..there are always people out there who are tempted to use it to achieve a one sided goal..

As a woman.. it makes me very sad..and it makes me feel somewhat hopeless towards men in general.. as to..

Is there any fair play???

 

This is my letter to a guy that I have known for years.. I didn’t use his name..as I am not trying to play a game of vengeance.. I am sharing this as an example of how to PLAY FAIR.. in The Art of Love and Relationships…

 

“”Now that I have had sometime to think about last night.. and to listen to my instincts .. I really don’t want you to contact me.

I knew when I saw you by the bar that you were watching my facebook.. and that is why you showed up to a place you haven’t been to in years.

I like I told you I have had that happen before. Even before I set up my website or wrote my blog about sacred sex and women’s sexuality..

I know your type well now. You see my pictures on facebook and some sexual content and that is all you are drawn to.. you see a single woman who is craving intimacy thinking that I will fall for a few lines.. be fooled into thinking something wonderful will happen when your just looking to use me for sex.

That became very apparent to me when I played pool with you.. you didn’t even know what my book was about.. yet you have been on my facebook.. probably a couple of years..

You didn’t know about my struggles with the local networking community..with their prejudice against me.. as to why I needed to be online to promote my book.. you didn’t even know why my book was so controversial..

This told me that you didn’t and don’t give a shit about who I am as a person.. all you see is a sex toy.

Being a smart woman has it’s perks.. studying human behavior and psychology has it’s perks as well.. I could see through all of your small talk..as you attempted to make a superficial emotional connection with me..by saying things like ” I hate how fucked up society is too ” I watched you watch me for a reaction.. as you tried to create a false bond,,of fake trust.

I suppose it could be.. that I have lived a few years now..and I can see where this is going ..I can see it around corners now.. I have met many guys like you.. who will say anything to get laid..

I know that you were not “Kidding” when you asked me to go home with you because you won the game of pool.. I know that when you were touching my hair and earrings that you were tying to get me to kiss you..

You can’t blame a guy for trying… But you can call out the game..

If you are just looking to have sex with a woman you should be upfront with that.. don’t tell women what you think they want to hear just so you can score..

You are just recently separated.. so if your just looking for sex.. be honest with women and show some respect for their feeling and needs.. you would be shocked to find that there are some women who just want sex.

Playing me was very disrespectful.

You clearly have no interest in me as a person.. not caring enough to find out about who I am when the information has been made available to you on your facebook for years..

You didn’t even know the title of my book..

I am blocking you for these reasons..

Because their isn’t any point to having a man on my facebook who isn’t intelligent enough to see me as a person past my sexuality..

Boys will be boys..

But I am looking for a man..

I hope you have learned something from this..

Try to pick up less intelligent women.. or man up..

Just being honest.. good luck”"

 

There is this weird things that some guys do.. a tell-tail sign that they are looking for a reason or an OK.. to treat a woman as just sex.. the ask things like ” Why are you hear?” like asking did you come out to a club to find sex.. I had a guy ask me once ” Why did you move to Kelowna?” I told him ” To get away from my ex and find work or opportunies in a big city.” he said ” I bet your looking for men.” it’s like they are looking for a reason to treat a woman with disrespect..as if to say.. “You have low morals, so I am going to treat you like that.. cause you deserve it.” .. it is to admonish them from being responsible for hurting or using woman..as if to say ” You asked for it.”

All men are not like this of course.. this post is to educate my readers as usual.. to teach people about the conscious and subconscious games that we play..and that we can let ourselves be played by not listening to our intuition.

 

I stopped dating because….

 

I can’t handle the bullshit.

I am a single mom with no family to help me; a nasty ex that uses the court system to bully me.. and I am trying to promote a book and website..and because I am a attractive woman talking about sexuality, sacred sex and women’s sexuality.. I have lots of haters..

So I don’t need head games from men..

I am not chasing after a guy like some lost puppy just to feed his ego.

I am not waiting around for him to call me when he gets around to it because he is just being a selfish, self absorbed dick.

I don’t want to compete for his attention with other women.

I don’t want to hear about the girl he never got over that still texts him.

I don’t want to be ignored for his friends.

I don’t want to be ignored for his interest.

I don’t want a fucking little boy.

When I go out to clubs and others social thingys to meet guys.. I get the same shit.. ( the lets just hook up and fuck and see what happens) we all know what that means.. ” I will keep on fucking you until something better comes along.”

Or those guys that brag about all the hot girls they have fucked before they even touch me..and of course after that they don’t get to touch me.. why would I let a guy into my body who sees women as fuck toys?

I can’t handle this shit..and I don’t want to.. It’s just not worth getting all dressed up to have a bunch of creeps treat me like am just one of many treats on the desert table.. please just fuck off.

My logical brain wishes that I could just cut out my heart like I would cut off a bad limp at an accident scene.. just hack out my heart and my sex drive. Or I wish I could go back to being a little girl.. just carefree .. I would just play road hockey with the boys..go fishing and call it day.

Links